My boyfriend broke up with me out of nowhere...trying to understand why? Drugs?

I'm new to forums...but I have been driving myself crazy over this and I really need advice aside from my family and friends advice.

This is going to be a little lengthy but its the only way I can get everything accross.

My boyfriend, well ex, and I have been together almost 2 years. We have never broken up, we have our fair amount of small, usually stupid arguments. We have had a few serious arguments and it always had to do with XANAX. He liked Xanax and I believe has a slight addiction to it regardless of what he says. In the beginning he would pop multiple pieces of the xanax bars a day. Starting when he got up in the morning and throughout the day. He was in between jobs. He gave it up for a while. He always said he prayed for someone like me and that I have helped him be the man he wants to be. I have helped support him through everything...never did I give up on him. Now, he is in school for massage therapy (which I was kinda iffy about but I supported anyway), works full time, and makes decent money while doing so. BUT, every so often he will relapse on xanax for about a week and won't do it again for about 3-4 months. Same old cycle every time. We'd argue, he'd say he'll stop. I tell him how it changes him and makes him totally opposite of the guy I fell in love with. Well, the last time he relapsed (about 1.5 months ago) we tried a small intervention with his parents and I gave him the choice of the pills or me. His parents told him if he does it anymore he will be kicked out of their house and not welcomed back. Obviously he chose me, because things were pretty good. He is a very hard worker, keeps a 4.0 GPA and I know the stress gets to him sometimes but again, I'm there for him every step of the way.

So, a few days ago I was diagnosed with a kidney infection, so I had to call off work and I have been in bed since. The day after I got sick, he texted me that he was going to come over and we could watch movies and he'd take care of me. He was coming over after school so around 10:30 pm. Everything was perfect before this. We are in love. We are each others support system, emotional crutch, best friend, we practically lived together. We missed each other too much if we went one night of not sleeping in the same bed. Before he went to school that day he was fine. He called me multiple times during the day to see how I was doing and everything. Well at 10 pm class had ended and he made his way to my house. I was so excited as I hadn't seen him since the day before. He came in the house went to my room and threw his phone on my bed where I was sitting, gave me a quick hug and kiss and said he had to run to the bathroom. Well, the second he left his phone went off with a text message. When he got back I told him he had one and he refused to check it. I said check it, could be an emergency or something its kinda late now. He still wouldn't. Eventually I told him check it and it was a text from a random number who he had claimed he had no idea who it was. Turned out to be a girl he had just met in class nearly 3 hours ago. Turns out HE asked for HER phone number.

May I add that this is extremely out of character for him. He hardly texts anyone, even his friends. He has always been loyal, and always told me he could never hurt me or cheat.

As he looked I grabbed his phone and scrolled up. The first texts were from him and were in the time span from when he had left school to when he had arrived at my house, so about 40 minutes. They were texts to her how he thought she was very attractive and she said thanks you're really cute yourself and all this flirtatious texts back and forth. I was so upset. So shocked. I didn't yell, I couldn't even cry. All I did was ask why, why are you talking to another girl. His response was "it just happened". Of course that made me mad so I started to get a little angry. I was doing all the talking, he just sat on the bed and wouldn't say anything, wouldn't even look at me. The only thing he said was it was a girl that he just met in class tonight. I ended up calling this girl from his phone and I talked to her, she said he gotten her number and she had no idea he had a girlfriend. She apologized to me and after I hung up with her sent him a text saying "I cant talk to someone who has a girlfriend or who would do this to their girlfriend"

About 15 minutes later, he says " I don't think we should be together. I love you but we shouldn't be together. I have to walk on eggshells and cant do what I want"

After having a couple days to rack my brain over and over, literally driving myself insane, I realized what that phrase could mean. Did he not want to tell me hes back on pills? He knows I would either break up with him or lecture him yet again? Afraid I would tell his parents and he'd be out a place to live? Was this all basically just a set up because he chose the pills over me? Mind you, he seems to relapse when I am sick and I'm not around. When he first came into my room that night I was looking at him, analyzing him, because I can tell right away when hes high on xanax.

The xanax makes him totally opposite of who he truly is. He has no regards for anyone or their feelings. He says and basically does what he wants. Becomes the most rude, stubborn person to deal with. It is hard, but I love him. I cherished the moments, days, months, he wasn't on pills.

Basically, I took it as he broke up with me out of nowhere for some girl he had literally met and started talking to hours before hand. I cannot believe this has happened. I'm having a really rough time because in most ways we were perfect. My family loves him, I'm close with his mom. He always talked about marriage, how when he graduates in the spring we can find a place since he'll have a better paying job, and I'll almost be done with school. He talked about kids, and how he wants to be married in the next couple of years (to me). I had never expected this. When my friends and family found out they were just as shocked as I was...there were no signs, he didn't distance himself, it was the same it had been since our first date.

He had been starting to hang out with some of his older friends, who he was trying to stray away from because of the influence of the drugs. He was trying to better his life for not only himself but for me also. How could he throw it all away in practically the time period of a few hours? I don't understand? The only explanation I have for it is the drugs have made their way back into his life and he didn't want to face me with it so he used this to break it off. I know this wasn't him. It was not the guy I have spent the last 2 years of my life with...he was just, different that night. Now, i'm stuck here devastated. Gave him some time and he texted me yesterday saying that I could come pick up a few of my things I still have at his house. For a minute I thought if it were the pills making him this way that he would have a moment of sobriety and realize what hes doing. I guess not. Seems he is sticking with his decision.

I am still so shocked and devastated I haven't left the house or my bed in 3 days. I don't understand what could have happened in that short period of time. The only explanation I have is drugs, and him choosing them.

I am lost, I don't know what to do. This is the man I wanted to spend my life with...we were doing so good. We have great careers going, the same goals, same ambitions.

What happened? I'm heartbroken.

He is an addict. It is that simple --- and that complicated. And until he addresses that, the rest of his words are meaningless.

I just don't want to jump to conclusions and assume. That is just the only logical explanation I have. Everything else just seems like an excuse. I don't see how he could end a relationship like ours over a girl he met hours ago? Although, like I said the pills make him do or say anything...he's never done this before. Its almost like a relapse/mental breakdown. I am devastated.

It isn't a "mental breakdown". It was a choice. He asked her for her number and came to your house. And if she hadn't texted in that moment, he wasn't

going to tell you.

You can't be his jailer/mother/nurse.

It is a relaspse, as he has done before. And likely, he has been hiding it from you and his family. And feels like he is walking on egg shells.

I just love him too much. I keep thinking Im going to get a phone call or text saying Im sorry, or lets talk.

He is now feeling free from hiding his drug use. I would not expect a call, text or apology.

Why the other girl then? I'm not understanding why he didn't just break up instead of feeling the need to start talking to another girl.

I have no idea --- he found her attractive? She has no idea about his drug use so found him charming?

It doesn't matter.

And isn't XANAX an anti-anxiety medicaiton? So it's prescription?

Yes it can be prescribed, but if it is its in really low doses. He would take quadruple what someone would be prescribed. In his case, he bought it off the street. Its sold on the street. He buys from his so called "friends".

What is his behavior on 4x the recommended dosage?

Well I'm thinking that it was the drugs as well and that he literally just can't stop taking them. Addiction is completely ruling his life and since he knows you'd ask him to choose between you and the drugs, he had to choose the drugs. Maybe simply because he can't give them up. As for the other girl, I don't think he'd have broken up with you solely because of her, but I think it's true that he must have fancied her. He may have also just used the other girl to get out of your relationship, just as an excuse. I can only imagine how much emotional pain you feel right now but I really think that unless he can get proper help for his drug addiction and stop using the meds, you are better off without him. He needs to do this for himself and get help. And if he doesn't want to do that and he'd rather lose you in the process, then there's not much you can do.

Very irrational. He gets cocky, becomes a straight up A-hole. Says what he wants, does things without thinking. Makes him sleep for 14 hours at a time. Makes him out of it, you can't talk to him about anything because he's right, you're wrong no matter what. He gets an attitude and doesn't even realize that anyone can tell hes on them. Thinks they don't change his entire personality. Goes from being so caring and compassionate about things to not caring at all. The pills basically do all his thinking and talking depending on how much he takes. He'll buy 10 pills at a time and they'd be gone in 2-3 days. Every 3-4 months or so. There's been less time in between relapses the last time though.

The pills change his filter --- they don't put words in his mouth!

Those thoughts are in his head ---- they just don't come out of his mouth.

And, as the time in between relpases is shortening --- the addiction has never been addressed. And he doesn't have the will power (nor desire) to stop.

I didn't dawn on me until last night. Usually if we argue and he's sober he does anything to just end the argument so we can be back to our happy selves. He never just doesn't say anything but this time he just couldn't even look at me. I feel like the addiction finally got the best of him, all the time we've spent conquering it went to waste. I did try to get him help and he didn't want it. He likes the pills he says and he thinks its not a big deal because he doesn't do them all day every day. Its only once in a while. I think he knew I would see that text...I guess it was the easy way out instead of admitting to the drugs again. I am very devastated just because of how it happened and how it was out of nowhere...usually there's signs and sometimes you can sense it coming. I know that I shouldn't put up with it, but its always been the times hes sober that overpower the bad times I was really hoping he'd come to his sense and realize what he's doing. Especially since he's the one always talking about our future and he knows and acknowledges the fact that we both rely on each other for practically everything.

"We" didn't conquer anything....he didn't conquer anything. He likes the way he feels on the pills --- so like an alcoholic who can remain sober for days or weeks,

until they can't --- neither can he.

You need to learn to rely on yourself for pratically everything. Because when the pressure hits --- he runs for the pills.

Very true. He thinks its not a problem/addiction. He has recognized that it causes tension between us. In addition to that I would always worry what hes doing, if hes out I wonder if hes buying pills...or if I should let him drive when we're out in fear of him passing out behind the wheel. It hurts when you love someone so much but the addiction trumps the love...I have never not trusted him with seeing or talking to other women, instead it was about the drugs. Maybe he used the other girl to distract me from that so I couldn't say it was the actual pills.

Why the other girl then? I'm not understanding why he didn't just break up instead of feeling the need to start talking to another girl.

There are a lot of people that do this. My ex-husband for example. It's the "high" of feeling wanted, desired, flirting, being validated, etc.

Sometimes it's because they want to feel free, sometimes it's just the "thrill", and sometimes there are people who are always "looking"- it doesn't matter if they are in a relationship or not. It doesn't even always matter if they are happy or not. Though I tend to think that if someone is truly content, they don't desire more.

IMVHO, when most people want to break up, they have been thinking about it for a while. I'm sorry to tell you, but in his mind it probably wasn't "out of nowhere". So, the process isn't- I am not happy. I should break up with my partner. Now, I am free to look for other girls. I think many women want guys to think this way, but it's usually not this cut and dry.

My ex-husband would actually get MAD at me, and also used the phrase "Walking on eggshells", because I expected him not to flirt with other women, take his wedding ring off, pretend he wasn't married, give other girls his phone number, etc. and I would get angry when he did.

He actually called me "controlling" for this. IMVHO, you dodged a bullet. This isn't just about the Xanex. He seems to have an obsessive need to control every aspect of his life. He CHOSE to give that woman his number. He wasn't thinking of you. He CHOSE to flirt with her, and not tell her he had a girlfriend. He wasn't thinking of you or respecting you. He was not going to tell you if you hadn't found out yourself.

Be glad you DID find out before he started dating her or sleeping with her.

As far as the addictions go, you CANNOT stop an addict from being addicted- THEY have to do that. You can't do it for them, and please don't believe that they just magically "wake up one day" and realize the error of their ways.

You can encourage, but it's up to them. He needs help for this, but only he can do that. Not you.

Addiction is a serious problem, and often a deal breaker for people.

I know you are hurting, but honestly this guy sound like a total narcissist. Take it from someone who was married to one, you made a narrow escape. Trust me, there ARE better men out there. Men that will treat you with respect.

Good Luck!

Yes. And I know right now he's very stressed with work and school. He has a lot coming up in regards to his career. I just always thought id be the one who could help him not some fricken pills! Honestly I feel though, that since I am no longer there that he's going to end up losing everything...starting with me.

I was thinking about that too. He is slightly cocky without the pills. He thrives on attention so maybe this girl gave him attention and he liked it too much. I'm glad I found out when I did.

We are each others support system, emotional crutch, best friend, we practically lived together. We missed each other too much if we went one night of not sleeping in the same bed.

This doesn't sound healthy. It sounds codependent.

I think right now you are trying to blame the pills when the fact is he just doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore.

I'm sure taking 4x the amount of Xanax prescribed doesn't help the situation, but I don't think it's the whole picture.

I also think that the longer you analyze him, the longer it will take to heal. Maybe put the energy toward some self-analysis instead.

I understand. I just always tried to look past the addiction and I THOUGHT that I was enough to make him quit. Just sucks when you waste a lot of time and energy on someone you thought was going to work out and instead I feel slightly used. All I thought about was how I helped him and was there through everything the past 2 years and it seemed like none of that mattered to him the night all of this happened.

You can't look past an addiction. Addictions run the lives of addicts ---- EVERY THING else is secondary.

You were not used. You knew about the addiction and you wanted to be the one to save him from himself.

It wasn't a winnable situation. But you weren't "used".

I just feel as though hes looking past everything and forgetting about anything and everything we had. As well as what we have done for each other, along with the memories,etc. Just doesn't seem normal to do this out of nowhere or act like you never cared in the first place.

He isn't acting like he never cared. He is staying away from you because of the new gf and he doesn't want to hear about his addiction.

Attend a Narc-Anon meeting or an Al-anon meeting. You will find that your situation is, sadly, very predictable.