Im in shock, devastated that he's gone. Please help, Im lost

Hi Ive just registered as I don't what to do, or even think, my mind is wandering, Ive been sick, cant sleep properly, struggling to work. I could really use some advice please. We've been together 18 months.

I met my gorgeous guy online, as soon as I saw his photo I felt Id seen hime before, it was an overwhelming feeling. We arranged to meet and within a few days he said he felt it too. We believed we met before in a previous life.

He had been alone for five years after going through separation and a breakdown, was out of work, on antidepressants and in large debt, living in a small rented flat. My circumstances were that I had broken up in my relationship four months previously and was in the process of selling our joint home. He helped me with everything, packing, moving he was so wonderful, patient, loving, caring, always texting me and telling me how much he loved me, he was a great cook, that he'd never had this before. I felt the same and everything was amazing.

But then something I said he took badly, all it was was I mentioned he was spending a lot of money on his son when he visited when we had to be careful as he was put of work. I suppose I was jealous that he couldn't take me put. He blew his top and ended things with me instantly over the phone! It took to his bed depressed and saw his doctor (I found out later). I was heartbroken but desperately tried to sort things out, finally he agreed and everything was wonderful again.

Well, this was the start of this happening, again and again, 14 times he's done the same thing. Each time he packs up all the things he leaves at my place and leaves, he doesn't drive so he either cycles, late in the dark 12 miles, gets a train or taxi. Each time he says its over, and not to contact him. I always do, I love him so much, and we have managed to sort things out. He tells me he gets scared and has to go away to feel safe. He cant seem to deal with disagreements/arguments, he shouts and swears at me and always tells me its my fault, and is really awful. Im quiet at these times, which I think makes him worse.

Two weeks ago the same thing happened, its always my fault he says, something I say. He says he only reacts. I went to his as he agreed, but he said he wouldn't talk, just eat dinner and hold each other. I was nervous driving there, my instinct told me it wouldn't work. I said to him I wanted to talk and we crazy, shouting and swearing at me, complexly over the top. He asked me to leave, I said I just wanted to talk, i was calm. He said if I didn't leave he would call the police, i didn't, so he did! He started to tell them that I wouldn't leave. When he got to the point of giving my address I got scared so I went. It was torrential rain and together with my tears I could hardly see to drive. I couldn't believe what had just happened.

After a few terrible days i asked if he would meet me somewhere neutral to talk. He agreed, which surprised me. I asked him to move in with me, get engaged. I said I would try really hard not to say the things that upset him, not always sure what those are if Im honest. He was so happy, ecstatic, and things were fantastic again.

One week went by. He arrived at mine for the weekend as usual, with flowers, telling how happy he was and how much he loved me over and over, cooked wonderful meals. We went out and bought a puppy, ordered a static caravan together for breaks, we have a holiday booked abroad for new year, and were planning to go through all our finances and he was going to give notice on his flat.

What happened next.....we'd just eaten a lovely meal he made. Sat down and decided to watch a comedy programme. He started looking up details about an actor in the show and I said....are you going to watch this as you're missing it..... Thats all! He went crazy saying Im a control freak and he can use his phone when he wants and I had to apologize. I didn't, I tried to go in another room to allow him to calm down, btw my little four year old grandson stays with me every other weekend and was asleep in the next room. He followed me, banging door and swearing. I picked up the puppy and took it into my grandsons room and sat against the door. My partner was crying and stomping about, threatening to leave. I tried to talk but he wouldn't listen. Again he packed everything and left, saying its over.

I couldn't sleep and was physically sick. I texted to say what happened doesnt warrant a break up. What I got back from him was horrible. He said its over, Im the cause, not to contact him or he will call the police for harassment, he's deleted all our photos, blocked me from Facebook...again, All the things at his place he will throw on the street (he's not actually done this but now put them in an outhouse). I called him and he didn't pick up, I was upset and asked to talk. He texted back virtually the same as above, said goodbye and he will fall put of love with me, and hopes I get the help I need, and he will find someone who will make him happy.

Im too scared to contact him again due to him calling the police before, Im heartbroken, and still sick. I can imagine how the above sound but I love him so much, when its good its amazing, he's so kind, gentle, loving, thoughtful. I really want to try and save this, what should I do next? Can anyone help me, please?

Ive just had a complete meltdown at work, couldnt breath, sick, scared. Ive had to come home. I dont want to go on like this im a mess. I texted him to call me saying it was urgent but nothing.

Sorry but I'm afraid this relationship just won't work. I don't think he's an inherently bad person but he needs help and he needs to see he needs help. Without external help he cannot function as a human being, let alone be in a relationship. I'm also sorry to say that you are going the same way. I'm not criticising either of you here, in fact I'm off work with stress and getting professional help, too, so I know what you are up against.

While he's like this, you cannot be near him. If he doesn't take steps to sort himself out, you should leave for good.

Sorry it isn't what you want to hear but I wish you luck and courage.

How much of your life are you willing to spend walking on eggshells trying to avoid triggering someone's mental illness?

You don't seem willing to see the impossibility of this.

My heart goes out to you.

Thank you for replies. I hear what you are saying but its an unbearable pain, i feel so alone. Im at home just sitting in the corner, cant move. Although my breathing is abit easier. Im struggling with the puppy we got as im not really up to it, poor thing. What I dont get is how hes so happy and in love with me one day then so cruel the next. I dont want to be alone, and ive walked out of work too.

Hang in there, it will get better. Unfortunately you will have to go through some pretty painful time before you start to improve.

Stay as active as you can, avoid alcohol, and just realize that there are much better days to come.

We've all been there and survived, you will too.

Thank you , i am trying, I did go to work but cant seem to focus on anything as I just need to see him and sort this out. I know I cant accept its over .

You will come to that acceptance eventually, we all do

And when you look back in time, you will realize how bad the relationship was.

No no no no no no no Don't see him, there is no sorting this out. Get someone to collect your things and move on from this guy. Just because you love each other (and I am not convinced he loves you) doesn't mean you work together, and this does not sound like it is working. Assume that he is always going to blow hot and cold and gas light you and blame you and leave you and tell you that is Your fault, we have no reason to think he will change.

And if you can bring yourself to rise to the challenge of the puppy, channel all your love into that dog. Puppies need more love than anyone and the dog will love you back, unconditional, unwavering, for life.

I know in my head you are right but my heart hurts so badly Id forgive anything. Im thinking he didnt really love me if he can do this and call the police to stop me talking! What would they do anyway? Yes the little puppy is so sweet its not her fault but we got her together, hes missing what should have been a lovely time.

>>he's so kind, gentle, loving, thoughtful

Sorry, but no he's not consistently that way. He's a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde type person, and you can't wish away that crazy, abusive, overly dramatic part of him just because you don't want him to be that way. And if you have your grandchild on weekends, you absolutely cannot be living with a man who terrorizes people and is so out of control as this guy is. He would be doing psychological damage to the child, and might eventually work up to physical abuse for the both of you as well.

btw, i think you need to take a cold hard look at the reality of this rather than the fantasy you are spinning in your head of him being Prince Charming. He behaves in an unstable and abusive way, and you respond to that in a very inappropriate/unrealistic way yourself. As in, he calls the police on you, then you turn right around and call him and ask him to get engaged and move in with you? That is it's own form of crazy, where you are so desperate not to be alone that you constantly put yourself in harm's way contacting a man who is behaving like a lunatic and threatening to put you in jail.

So not all the issues are his. You have your own personal issues (abandonment fears) that you can fix yourself in therapy for yourself. I suggest if you can't function, you call a counselor and start talking to them for support and to help you see how crazy and dysfunctional this relationship really is. You can't build a relationship on love feelings alone, there has to be stability, treating each other with respect and kindness, absence of drama etc. for it to last and work out.

And frankly he sounds like he has some serious mental issues, and even if you did get with him, i suspect it will end up the way his prior relationship did, but this time he would put you massively into debt, lose his job and you'd end up supporting him and his spending sprees, and having his out of control rage rain all over you constantly until you had a nervous breakdown. He's already put you on the verge of that, so you need to stop reminiscing about the fantasy of what you hope that relationship would be and really look at the reality of it, how unstable it was (and how mentally unstable he is) and recognize that you are strong enough to survive on your own and meet a normal guy who doesn't go bonkers with regularity and intensity.

So it is time to focus on YOU now and not him and not the past. Focus on your children, your grandchild, your puppy, your job, your home, and time will heal you. Do not allow yourself to fantasize about how 'great' he was when frankly he sounds like a lunatic and you may have loved some parts of him, but other parts of him are frankly intolerable and severely abusive. You need to let the Prince Charming fantasy go, and reclaim your own life. You've shifted the center of your world to dealing with him and his problems, and you need to refocus your life back inside you again and you won't feel so lost. This Prince Charming didn't come to rescue you, he is frankly destroying you and your present mental state is clear evidence of that.

You've been in a whirlwhind of drama and chaos the entire time you were with him, and now he has smashed you back into the ground. It will hurt for a bit, but you will get your wind back and your feet under you again. Relationships with crazy people can be very intense and dramatic and excitement, but ultimately they implode as yours has done because he IS very unstable and mercurial you can't ignore that or change that just because you enjoy other aspects of the relationship.

But do not jeopardize the important things like your job over him. You need to support yourself and your family, so call a counselor today and set up an appt. to talk to them about this if you feel you can't function. You might be able to get a little medical leave time off to pull yourself together and work with the therapist, but if you do nothing and run away from work, you'll get fired which will put you in a worse situation. So focus on the real world, not the fantasy of a life that is never going to happen with him because he has a side to him that is an absolute crazy ogre that is impossible to be with. You can't fix him or ever live happily with a man who acts like this.

>>es the little puppy is so sweet its not her fault but we got her together, hes missing what should have been a lovely time.

and this is the core of your problems right now. You are a person with a high fantasy quotient, who thinks if you have all the trappings of romance (getting engaged, bringing flowers, living together, getting a puppy) it will all work out and be 'perfect.' You really badly want him to play a role in that fantasy, but the reality is he is totally unsuited to live that life with you because he's crazy and abusive when something triggers him or he doesn't get his way.

So stop casting him in that role in your head, how everything would be perfect 'if only' he did this or that or you did this or that because there is no basis in reality for that. he's shown you again and again that he is a volatile and abusive mess, and you keep telling yourself that part of him is going to stop and go away 'if only' you live together or 'if only' you get a puppy, or 'if only' this or that happens. He is who he is, and he's crazy abusive.

He can be sweet and bring flowers around sometimes BUT that doesn't mean the crazy ogre isn't lurking under the surface waiting to emerge again and again. He is the ogre as well as the flower-bringing guy. You can't separate them, and you shouldn't fantasize about that ogre leaving your relationship because it never will. That is who he is and you need to stop the fantasies of what 'should' be and see what really is.

Ive just had a complete meltdown at work, couldnt breath, sick, scared. Ive had to come home. I dont want to go on like this im a mess. I texted him to call me saying it was urgent but nothing.

You are dealing with anxiety. You have to try and calm yourself down a bit.

I suggest you get in and talk with your doctor. About something for this and ask about therapy as well.. to help you out.

It is really rough for a while.. Emotions going nuts.. so broken. I understand- been there

Sadly, he IS toxic. None of this behaviour is healthy. You don't treat your partner this way or the relationship.

It will take some time to work on healing from this mess.. but is IT best for you it is over. You don't want all of this to continue on in your Life.

To actually 'agree' on getting a puppy, planning a getaway.. him moving out of his flat? Too much, too fast.

HE is damaged good and you two just are NOT compatible.

This will be an eye opener for you. To learn, from now on.. what kind of 'red flag's to watch out for.

From now on.. you do NOTHING more. Leave him be. Back off, totally!

Go No contact so YOU can deal with this... ****. That's all he's been feeding you.

Sorry, but you DO require much more stability from someone.. than what he's given you. I know right now you don't see it, but in time, you will.

Believe me.. you need respect from a partner.

Slow down... work on you now. I know you're affected now as well from his behaviour.

Thank you soosad33 for taking the time to reply. My head tells me you are right. Im normally such a confident person hes knocked that out of me, im a nervous wreck and feel worthles. I did arrange a call from the doctor, put my make up on and went back to work. People were kind and I did manage to work until 5pm then play with the puppy, she was so happy to see me. The doctor called me & I explained what had happened, she said it was a panic attack & my symptoms were anxiety. She made me an appointment fir Tuesday & suggested councelling too. Trouble is there is a long waiting list. I will ring though. Im a little calmer, if exhausted, but Im planning to have no contact. Thank you so much.

What I dont get is how hes so happy and in love with me one day then so cruel the next.

He's mentally ill. It's not your fault and maybe not even his.

I understand the cycle of pushing and pulling all too well, and it's devastating how they can be so loving one moment and so cold the next. It sounds like he's struggling with his own issues and his love for you, but if he can't see it and won't get help or change on his own then there's nothing you can do, nothing you can say to change anything, because you can say and do all the right things, but if he doesn't get help for his issues then it won't change anything. It's hard to come to terms with, but the only person you can change is yourself, and you taking care of yourself and getting yourself back to a healthy spot will give him two options; get healthy himself or go his own unhealthy way now that you won't take part in it.

Ive had a more positive day today. A friend took me out for sone fresh air and a quick meal last night and with all the responses I dont feel wuite as bad about myself as I did. Then I get s call from a cillkeauge asking me to dinner on Saturday, he had adked before but I said I was in a relationshio. I hesitayed but said yes, do feel unsure but I would onky be sitting here alone!

Whoops ladt thread went before I was ready, sorry about spelling of hesitated, I wanted to ask if this is a goid idea or not? I do feel more together than I did yesterday, surprisingly, i do not want to be treated the way he treated me again. Ive had a good day at work and met a friend for dinner after.....love my friends.

So glad to hear you're meeting this head on. The world is full of potential

Yes absolutely good idea. You aren't obliged to get romantically involved with colleague just because you have dinner. But dinner is a great sounding board for any potential friendship or romance you two could have.

Hi Faye, I'm so sorry as I have no words of comfort just to say I KNOW what you're going through, I'm seriously struggling too. It's the worst pain I've ever known.

Thanks Daisy, I know I really feel for you. Ive just had two text messages which have put me back when I was starting to feel slightly better. The first asks me to cacel the holiday we have booked for new year, or get someone else to go with me & pay him his money back ( hes only paid me £250 out of £1,100) the next said hes in pain but has to do this as I will never change!! He also said to let him know when I want to collect my stuff from his place. I can honestly say I wish I hadnt heard from him, im churned up again and dont know what to reply? Can anyone help? Please

You need to settle the practicalities as fast as you can so that you won't keep having this kind of contact with him to upset you.

So you respond by keeping it business... set up a time to get your stuff and if you can't face him, have a friend go pick it up. or tell him to box it up and mail it or drop it off on your doorstep and text you after he's done that.

re: the holiday, see if you can cancel the trip and get a refund. if not, try to find a friend who will go. If you can't find anyone, then you just respond that you couldn't find anyone, and you can't cancel the down payment, so he'll have to write it off.

My suggestion is that you try to change the dates on your trip (i.e., see if they'll let you move it to another time or place if they won't refund your deposit), and he can do the same with his trip. You don't owe him the money just because he wants you to cough it up, that's between him and the travel agency.

I paid for the whole holiday on my card £1,100. If i cancel now its a £564 loss. He has paid me £250 towards this so i will lose the rest. Travel agent wont change it & i dont know anyone who could go with me, not sure Id wabt to go where we had planned together really. I want to reply that he needs help as hes unstable, but I think I would just get further hateful replies, which I dont want. I know I cant face seeing him & dont want any more contact as it just makes it harder.

Well, he can't make you refund the money any more than you can make the travel agent refund the money.

If it's a nice holiday you really should try to go, but if not, go ahead and cancel so you don't lose the full 1,100. Too bad if he loses the money too. Nothing says you have to pay it all if he is the one who broke up with you.

Block him totally and he can't bother you. Or if you want to, send him one email where you say you can't find someone else to go so you're cancelling and you're both out the money because the travel agent won't refund. Too bad if she doesn't like that either.