Should I break up? So confused.

I don't want to go into too much detail, but basically, my boyfriend and I have been sort of breaking up, since Thursday night.

There are a lot of external pressures, which is why I originally wanted to break up. But I really do (did?) love him and we talked things out and decided we could keep going despite the pressure.

And then on Sunday night he said something which truly terrified me and I just wanted to end it all. (Unrelated to the other pressures that we'd already dealt with.)

We've been debating this issue all day to the point where I am thoroughly confused. He said it was a 'shame' that we didn't see eye to eye on this point, but he couldn't hide who he was. Then later he started saying that he wanted to change and would I help him.

I just don't know if I can trust him. Does he really want to change and it took until now for him to admit it? Or is he just saying he wants to change so that he can keep me?

I have no clue. I can't let go, but I can't go on like this.

If anyone can offer me any sort of advice, I would appreciate it so much. Thanks.

No one can offer advice to your scenario because we have no idea what the external pressures are, what the terrifying statement was, what the "point" was.

If you don't think you can trust him, don't stay with him.

We also don't know what he has to change about himself, and whether whatever it is can be changed.

Wow those external pressures are huge, or maybe they're small

And that terrifying thing he said sounds bad, or not.

But I can say with absolutely no confidence that he will change, or maybe he won't

I just don't know, I'm so confused. Stop toying with me and tell us what the freakin problem is.

I would advise you to provide more insight. If you can not provide more insight, then I would advise you to trust your gut on the situation you find yourself in with your boyfriend.

Ya how is anyone supposed to give you advice with absolutely no clue what's going on? Unfortunately detail is what helps us help you.

Thanks for replying, guys. Sorry for being so vague. I was just so confused and hurting and didn't pause to think what my post would look like to outsiders.

So. The external pressures are family. They do not approve of the match. As I said, we agreed to work through that, and came to a satisfactory conclusion.

But then it was just a day later when he asked me if I would trust him if he was holding a knife to my throat. Of course, my answer was he could bet his ass no way, and I couldn't continue the relationship.

He said I misunderstood him and he was just trying to illustrate trust. Then, through the course of our debate over the point, he changed and said that it was an appalling thought and he needed me to help him get rid of his 'dark side.'

I feel like I shouldn't ever trust him again after suggesting something like that, but what if it's true that he wants to overcome this twisted thought?

Thanks again, everyone. I am just so confused and need some help. Because all family and friends are so clearly biased on one side or another, I feel I wouldn't get objective advice, hence posting here.

Family influences can be huge...definite red flag.

Holding a knife to your throat....nuclear bomb.

Walk, don't run, to the nearest exit.

He actually said that to you? Why in the H in what freaking universe does anyone think holding a knife to your throat could be even remotely related to trust??? Jeez, no wonder you were terrified. I'd have smiled, made some excuse about going to the bathroom, locked the door and bolted through the window for home if someone said something like that to me. Run, run and don't look back. The only people I know who would say something like that are people who are a) mentally disturbed in some way b) have an abusive personality and are sussing out just how far they can take their abuse of you c) are using veiled threats to try and keep you with them and scare you into not leaving them--i.e. a form of bullying and manipulation.

Tell this guy if he wants help with that to go see a freaking therapist, you can't help him with something like that, he needs to seek out a professional if he's at all even remotely serious about that and not just manipulating you. You won't do anything, but give him permission to now try his little knife theory (my hair stood up on end when I read that BTW) if you stay.

No wonder your family and friends want him gone. They see the danger, can't you? Just curious what other abusive or scary things has he said that put them so off they're all telling you to leave him? I'm a stranger though and I'm telling you dead honest having worked in a women's shelter for 16 years him saying that is a giant red flag. And I'm betting something about him is already scaring you and everyone else around you besides that--that's just the icing on the cake.

Also when someone terrifies you the relationship is over and dead in the water. Get gone before you are too.

And if he really wanted to overcome that kind of thinking he wouldn't be asking you to stay and "help him" he'd be hightailing it to therapy ASAP. He admits to having thoughts that are dark, he goes and tells that to his therapist, not you.

Thank you so much, mhowe and parispaulette. I knew I should leave, but I guess my love for him (or the man I thought he was) was clouding my common sense. My immediate reaction was to leave immediately, but for some stupid reason I can't now comprehend I debated the issue with him for a while which is why I ended up confused enough to wonder if I should leave a guy who suggested holding a knife to my throat.

The weird thing is that he's never been like this before. I always felt I could trust him, which is why this was such a complete and utter shock. As for my family, their problem is that he is of a different religion and they didn't think our personalities matched. No one suspected this kind of crazy and then just BAM. It's like all of a sudden the man I knew and loved was replaced by a madman.

I have, of course, ended things, but I miss him so much already. It's so hard to carry on without him, even now that I know what he's truly like. It's like I fell in love with a man who doesn't exist.

Anyway. Sorry for the ramble. Thanks for confirming that I was doing the right thing. Much appreciated. Xx

I'm glad to hear you decided to end things. Unfortunately that can happen, but I think as you maintain NC you'll start seeing little things you missed previously or even excused away. And I know well the pain of realizing someone didn't show you their true colors until the chips were down and then they gobsmack you between the eyes with something. It's why so many people don't spot a cheater until after the fact. It sucks, I can't say any different.

The good news is time and NC will heal it. As to the issue of differences in religion and your family at some point you are going to have to decide what's most important to you on that front and what you choose to do independent of what anyone else thinks. Again, that's not an easy choice. Ever. But I think you'll figure it all out and be okay. Good luck and do post here when you're having trouble or just want to chat. It's what eNotalone is for.

Thanks...

I'm afraid this goes on.

So he emailed me this morning saying that he's seeing a psychiatrist. If he follows through with that and there was no physical contact, would it be worth trying again? I feel like I should give him the chance, if he's going to work on the relationship and my physical safety is not at risk...? Is it wise to give this another shot?

No. Seeing a psychatrist is not a "one time" thing. It may be moths or years to figure out his dark side. Move on.