I feel like I can't give someone else a chance.

So anyone who's read my stuff before knows that obviously I had extremely strong feelings for my ex. Recently I blocked her out of necessity. But I miss her almost constantly and it sometimes starts to make me feel broken. (She's the first person I've ever felt that way for, but I'm not sure I'd say I was IN LOVE with her...)

Anyway,

It's been about 2 months since we broke up, and I've met a new girl. She's very sweet, and I think she's into me. I'm taking her to dinner on Tuesday. We get along really well, have a similar sense of humor. etc. I also don't know her that well yet, so I have to give her time to grow on me. But I'm afraid I wont be able to stop myself from stacking her against my ex, which isn't fair to do to her. That also makes me feel badly because they're mostly superficial things (She's in good shape but my ex had a fantastic body, my ex was a little more playful with me, ex was a really impressive artist). I feel like I'm still stuck on those things that I loved about my ex, however I'm also in a place where I feel very lonely and like I need to try something new to prove to myself that I can heal and start to have feelings for someone new.

Should I let this pan out and see where it goes? Do you guys think those feelings for my ex will continue to diminish? I often find myself thinking about the idea of her with another guy, and it kills me... even though I can't check up on her, I just assume she's found someone else. I almost feel in silent competition her her. Well, enough of that, I'd love to hear some of your thoughts.

Thanks!

Hey there itsallmental,

Take the advice of your username! =)... You've given yourself a few months alone which is important. If you honestly feel you are getting along with this new gal, take things slow. Don't feel pressured that you're going to be starting a relationship right off the bat and have to instantly overcome any past struggles that have been ongoing since your breakup. I would recommend to, as you put it, let things pan out and see where things go - just take it at your own pace. As hard as it is to let go, remember that you're doing this for YOURSELF and no one else.

I am in the exact same boat as you, my friend. My ex left me two months ago for another guy, in fact, and I actually have a date with someone really promising on Tuesday as well! Funny how that works. My approach is to take things slow, get to know the lovely girl I will be taking out, and go from there. It isn't fair to compare your ex to your date. She may, in fact, be the one you've always been waiting for. She has her own unique personality, her own strengths, and her own weaknesses. The fact she is different from your ex is hard, and I understand that. You had grown so accustomed to accepting your ex for what she was that it is hard to make that mental adjustment.

Best of luck to you. You'll be fine! Remember, relating this to your topic title, that if you don't give this new girl a chance, you're really not giving YOURSELF a chance.

Edit- Also, with regards to feeling that you're in 'silent competition', I understand that feeling. Try to let that go. Pretend your ex doesn't exist... if she reaches out to you, at some point, you will wanto be strong enough to handle it. If reconciliation is on your mind, wouldn't you feel so much better knowing that you've lived your life for YOU and met some new people? Based on your post, I can tell you're a good person and very thoughtful. I am as well, which makes things hard, moving forward, because it almost feels like we're betraying our exes (who left us) by moving on. Try not to think about it. Focus on you and, hey, have fun!

"I'm also in a place where I feel very lonely and like I need to try something new to prove to myself that I can heal and start to have feelings for someone new. "

- You are still hurting and affected from your BU. I suggest you do NOT rush into anything right now. You don't want a rebound relationship.

Being 'lonely' is a normal feeling so don't 'use' someone to try & help you get over that feeling.

I feel it's still best for YOU to deal with that on your own.

It's possible you may not even have any real feelings for this one you want to meet up with. Then be honest with yourself.

Stay on your own and heal

If you date now it's just because you're desperate and can't handle being on your own

You'll likely end up screwing over anyone you date now so just relax and go through the healing process

You've given yourself a few months alone which is important. If you honestly feel you are getting along with this new gal, take things slow. Don't feel pressured that you're going to be starting a relationship right off the bat and have to instantly overcome any past struggles that have been ongoing since your breakup.

Thanks for the awesome response man! That seriously was exactly what I needed to hear. And you're right, there's no reason to rush things, or assume that right off the bat I'm going to feel similarly to how I felt about my ex. These things take time, and she's her own person. I think she deserves a chance, but I think it's also my responsibility to take things at a reasonable pace, and not jump into anything. As SoSad33 said, I don't want a rebound (neither does she deserve to be a part of one).

It's good to know that someone else is in a similar situation too. And I really do think I'm a good person. I don't want anyone to get hurt, especially not at my expense, just because I'm in a uncertain situation.

It's so hard to find a balance between between doing things for myself like working out and focusing on school, and not worrying about finding someone new, or thinking about what my ex is up to. I wish things could be black and white, bus they never are. Thanks for the good wishes, I think I will do just fine, but I also need to keep things in perspective.

Good luck to you too man! I'd like to hear how things turn out!

Stay on your own and heal

If you date now it's just because you're desperate and can't handle being on your own

 

You'll likely end up screwing over anyone you date now so just relax and go through the healing process

That's probably true, I also think at this point it wouldn't hurt to continue feeling things out a little bit. But I definitely don't want to end up hurting her. It's just so hard to go through the process of healing, when I know my ex is moving on so quickly.

Then again.. I don't really know that to be the case, but the last time we spoke before I had to just block her for my own sake, it certainly seemed to be the case. I have to find a way to stop comparing myself to her.

That's probably true, I also think at this point it wouldn't hurt to continue feeling things out a little bit. But I definitely don't want to end up hurting her. It's just so hard to go through the process of healing, when I know my ex is moving on so quickly.

 

Then again.. I don't really know that to be the case, but the last time we spoke before I had to just block her for my own sake, it certainly seemed to be the case. I have to find a way to stop comparing myself to her.

You're right. Don't compare. That's all wrong.

I knew both of my ex's had someone else (which was cause for our BU). BUT, I still took 'my time' to work on accepting & healing. ( Months), before I'd think of moving on again.

You do when YOU are ready. Not to be avoidant of your emotions or fill that void. Okay- be careful. This is about taking care of YOU.

Best to be of sound mind when looking to get involved again. Not bring in to much baggage/problems.

You're right. Don't compare.

It's almost unavoidable though, It's like saying "don't think of an elephant". I can't help but subconsciously make those comparisons, as damaging and unnecessary as I know they are. Maybe that's just part of it all though, and something that will fade with time.

Until you don't care how the current girlfriend stacks up against the ex, stay single

You're welcome. It's great to hear that there are others in the same boat as you, isn't it? I will let you know how things go tomorrow night! I can definitely relate to the balance aspect of things. There are those rushes of sudden motivation with regards to working out, moving forward, being yourself, having fun with friends, etc. Then, seemingly at random, there are bouts of uncertainty and longing for your ex to reach out to you. It is hard, but that is life. It is even harder after having the high of being so in love with someone with plans, goals, etc... to have it all taken away truly is heart-breaking.

But, remember; you can find it again. For me, I've used the last two months to improve and set NEW goals which I'd like to reach. Meeting a beautiful young girl, the one I am going on a date with tomorrow, may just be the universe's way of telling me that it is okay to let go. And, it's okay for you too!

Best of luck with your date as well.

Best of luck with your date as well.

Thanks! As many times as I've thought all this trough, you seem to be able to write it out so well. I hate going in circles, so it's great to read through something so straight forward. You've pretty much summed up all the thoughts I have that get lost to those moments of weakness for an Ex. Lemma ask you this though, since I blocked her about 2 weeks ago, it's been easier to get along without checking in on her. However I have this fear that one day, somehow I'm going to get a glimpse into her life and see that she really is with someone else, or what not. And I feel like that could be extremely detrimental for me to see, or for that to hit me all at once. In some respect I wonder if it's really best to have blocked her. But I also don't want to second guess a decision I made based on my need to heal without her presence in my life. What do you think man?

Thanks!

I would just remove any chance of ever getting a "glimpse" of her because it could be a potential set-back. I deactivated my Facebook for awhile, but have since brought it back. I do not have my ex blocked, although I haven't ever checked on her and have no idea what she is up to (we aren't friends on FB). It takes strength to combat the curiosity, but it helps.

The main difference between our situations, I suppose, is that you THINK your ex is with someone else where I KNOW my ex is with someone else. The fact I know, in a way, allows me to move on a bit 'easier', as strange as that sounds, because I am not ignorant to the actual reality of things. However, because you DO NOT know, I would not go searching for an answer. If she is - she's probably just rebounding. If she isn't - then not knowing what she is doing will just help you with your healing. Curiosity will always find a way to creep into your mind. For you, it is "is she with someone else?" - for me, it's "is she still with someone else". Taking that a step further, if I KNEW she wasn't with someone else, it would be "is she thinking about me?", =P. You see? No matter what there will be a question as to what an ex is up to. Just ignore it.

If blocking her made things easier for you then keep it that way. If you unblock her, you may catch a glimpse of a profile picture change or a comment on a mutual friend's post, etc, and it could derail you or set you back. Just keep on keepin' on! Don't worry about her. If she comes back to you, she will not know if you're keeping tabs on her or not. So why keep the tabs? Don't give her the satisifaction.

Focus on you and let her keep the tabs, if she so desires. Improve yourself and if she "creeps" on your page or something let her be the one who regrets the decision. She doesn't exist anymore. Focus on healing!

I would say give yourself sometime before you start to date. Funny how time heals and erases memories of your ex. I wait until iam sure 100% to date and know that my ex is completely out of my mind.

Wise words my friend, you strike me as incredibly intelligent, and I truly appreciate the insight.

I went out with that girl tonight, it went really well, and for the first time in a long time I spent an evening NOT thinking about my ex. I'm definitely going to take things slow but thankfully she doesn't seem like the type to rush into anything. Its great just to be out with another girl, having experiences which mean something to me, and are devoid of any relation to my ex haha. Hope things went well for you too.

Wise words my friend, you strike me as incredibly intelligent, and I truly appreciate the insight.

 

I went out with that girl tonight, it went really well, and for the first time in a long time I spent an evening NOT thinking about my ex. I'm definitely going to take things slow but thankfully she doesn't seem like the type to rush into anything. Its great just to be out with another girl, having experiences which mean something to me, and are devoid of any relation to my ex haha. Hope things went well for you too.

Thanks for the compliment! Don't mention it. I, too, had a great evening and I didn't think about my ex a single time during the course of the date. In fact, my ex actually, after almost two months of no contact, reached out to me as I was DRIVING to meet my date. What are the odds? It didn't phase me at all and I had a wonderful time.

I hope everything goes well for you and the girl you're seeing. The girl I am seeing, too, doesn't seem like the type to rush into anything which is a breath of fresh air. We're planning on seeing each other again this weekend and we'll see where it goes from there.

I've been in your shoes before as I have also tried to date other guys while I was still comparing my ex to the new people I've met. It didn't turn out well - if you haven't healed properly, the closer you will get to a new person, the more you will miss your ex. It's a very lonely and empty feeling and it postpones your healing.

Also, if you are getting into a relationship driven by a desire to quickly forget your ex, you will disregard all "red flags" that the new girl might be giving out. And you might end up in a very miserable and completely wrong relationship for you. So, I'd say do not date yet. If you need sex - find girls who are looking for one-night-stand only and leave it there. But much rather read books/watch movies (these will help you analyze your past relationship), find a new hobby, go to a gym and treat yourself well. You need to have a clear head when you enter next relationship, otherwise you might end up with the same type of person or repeat your previous mistakes.

Omg yes. I'm in this same exact situation.

I really want to give the new girl a chance, but I'm finding it weird that I don't have the same feelings of "I really want to chase you and fall in love with you " like with my ex and previous relationships