Why don't I want to go anymore?

A lot of my friends are at the stage where they are getting married or are married and are having kids. The ones that are single no longer live locally so a lot of the times I don't see my friends because they are always with their spouses or families. Once in a while my single friends will want to go out but its always things like the bar scene or places we went to when we were in our 20's and in college. At this age, I've outgrown that but I used to find myself home a lot or bored or with family.

So last year I went about meeting new people male/female basically making new friends who were both in relationships or single...who were new in town or just looking to meet new people because they were in the same predicament I was in. I meet new people through places such as link removed or through new hobbies like crossfit gym, volunteer work etc. so I made alot of new friends last year and dated someone too. But since then everyone's flaked away becuase they either meet someone and are focusing their time on their new relationships or they just went MIA and no one knows where they are. So for the most part my new friends and I just keep in touch through text/fb and maybe hang out once every several months but I find myself back home again alot.

So during the summer I set about meeting new people again through link removed or through hobbies I had or people via work or whatever and while I've met nice great people I find myself not wanting to go do these things anymore but I know if I don't make an effort at meeting new people and be out and about I'll never establish new friendships or new potential partners and I won't have new memories to make. But the past month I would agree to go to these places and just decide to cancel my attendance last minute and just not go and instead I'd go out and do things with my immediate family instead.

Today for instance, I am going to go to this Halloween event with new friends which I was excited about but then up until 30 minutes ago I decied I didn't want to go and started dreading going. I'm not depressed or anything but I don't know if its lazyness but what could be the problem and what could I do to get myself out of feeling dread?

If you do go, do you end up having a good time, or do you just hate it the whole time you're there?

I think that you have to treat this in part like a part time job - you do have to force yourself to go to these things if you want to improve your social life and do not cancel unless it's an emergency if people are expecting you to attend - you don't want a reputation of being a flake. Cut yourself some slack, too but also force yourself at least once a week. Tell yourself you can leave after 45 minutes as long as you speak to at least 3 people (not including the event organizer!).

If you do go, do you end up having a good time, or do you just hate it the whole time you're there?

This is a good question. I'd also consider that you may not feel all that motivated by the people with whom you're making plans, while you love your family and do enjoy showing up for them.

You may also just need a rest.

What are your thoughts?

If you are content to hang out with your family, and don't really enjoy these meetups, then I don't see the problem. Maybe meetups just aren't your thing. Perhaps you could find another type of club or organization to join that isn't connected with meetup.. I've only been to one meetup ever but maybe a certain type of person whom you don't connect with is the 'type' normally found at those.. I'm not sure.

I think it can get exhausting sometimes. You're allowed to take a break.

Maybe you should shift the focus also so that it's less about meeting people and more about only engaging in events that you're very interested in personally.

Is there anything you've always wanted to try/learn/experience?

@jenny_mcs, I guess it just depends on the people or the activity i guess. Or both.

I think that you have to treat this in part like a part time job - you do have to force yourself to go to these things if you want to improve your social life and do not cancel unless it's an emergency if people are expecting you to attend - you don't want a reputation of being a flake. Cut yourself some slack, too but also force yourself at least once a week. Tell yourself you can leave after 45 minutes as long as you speak to at least 3 people (not including the event organizer!).

It does feel like an obligation/work to me. But I know its important cuase the flip side of it I stay home bored or contact friends who may or may not be available or live far away which if we had plans require a few hour commute.

This is a good question. I'd also consider that you may not feel all that motivated by the people with whom you're making plans, while you love your family and do enjoy showing up for them.

 

You may also just need a rest.

 

What are your thoughts?

If its a meetup thing and it doesn't really matter if I've met them before or not...usually about 1-2 hours before I start to not want to go...feelings of dread happen.

I think it can get exhausting sometimes. You're allowed to take a break.

Maybe you should shift the focus also so that it's less about meeting people and more about only engaging in events that you're very interested in personally.

Is there anything you've always wanted to try/learn/experience?

It does get exhausting and I'm usually doing activities I love or i wouldn't sign up for membership or go on link removed but even if its activities i love...the feeling of dread kicks in.

It could be that the people are just "new" to me and if i stay up with it they'll become familiar...i dont know.

It does feel like an obligation/work to me. But I know its important cuase the flip side of it I stay home bored or contact friends who may or may not be available or live far away which if we had plans require a few hour commute.

What are your goals -short term and long term -do you want marriage? new friends? just not to be bored?

It could be that the people are just "new" to me and if i stay up with it they'll become familiar...i dont know.

Yep, this is what I thought, and you also sound exhausted.

You know, JG, you can always take a break and allow the merry-go-round to spin without you for a while. It will always be there. Some names will change, but when you're in the state you're in, the names don't matter all that much, anyway.

You're not bonded or inspired by this round of people, and you're discouraged because the last round panned out with no offerings of any real connections to keep you motivated.

That happens, and it's the nature of adulthood where we don't soak up best friends the way we did when we were kids. Our slates were blank back then, so it was easy to homogenize with others and like the same things they liked, and we could focus on just about anyone to be our everything. But adults need to compartmentalize friendships to extract one or two small points of connection over which we can bond--so the tennis friend might be a poor conversationalist, and the book exchanger might be great to speak with on fiction but not real life, and the old friend who's neck deep in diapers has turned into a one-note about the baby...

So we need to diverge from certain people at certain points in our lives to focus on more me-centric bonding with Self and family, because we can't always keep all the plates spinning, even while we're afraid to drop any in case this might mean we might miss something!

IMO, you won't miss anything. At least not anything you're meant to encounter. When things turn stale, indulge your inner desire to cocoon a bit--because you've got a new butterfly to hatch.

It's true, the world will not stop spinning, but none of that matters when you have an inner world to tend to. If you won't take the solo time to embrace that, you won't revive and recharge to a state that will open your appreciation of external interaction back up for you again.

Your rest could take a week, a month or a year--it doesn't matter. If your ideal lover is on the horizon, you'll bump up into him anyway in the grocery store or while out at the movies with your Ma. This is the stuff excited people scream about after they meet the love of their lives "once they stopped looking" and, if you're not bowled over by a thunder bolt when you least expect it, you can always get back on the social train any time you want.

Bottom line: you will never miss anything that you must experience. You are allowed to stop paddling and relax and f.l.o.a.t. for as long as you wish. You can always resume paddling whenever you want, except you may find that a private metamorphosis has occurred that will open new currents to carry you beyond your present point of focus.

Head high, and enjOy.

What are your goals -short term and long term -do you want marriage? new friends? just not to be bored?

Long term wise I'd eventually like to make new friends..maybe they'll turn into great frienships. I'd eventually like to meet someone I end up dating that could end up long term. I'm not really rushing into those things.

I just get really bored and lonely being home almsot every night. THat's no way to leave.

Unless my friends whether the ones from work, those that are married/taken or the ones that live far away have money to do so...I have no one to travel with. My birthday is coming up, with everyone's distance from me or obligations with family or whatever...I'm not sure other than family if I'll have anyone to celebrate with.

Those thoughts are sad. That's what I'm trying to fix.

I love your metaphors...so what your saying is...whatever is meant to happen or whoever i'm meant to meet is gonna happen anyway whether i'm out running errands or hanging with family.

That I can't force it so much?

I love your metaphors...so what your saying is...whatever is meant to happen or whoever i'm meant to meet is gonna happen anyway whether i'm out running errands or hanging with family.

 

That I can't force it so much?

Well, you ~can~ force it, but it doesn't get you anywhere but burned out and bummed.

When you can relax and tune into your own rhythms, you'll find your own inner motivations for stretching yourself socially--and those will drive you appropriately.

Sometimes my inner motivation is to just show up for the people with whom I've made plans. I could take or leave the event, but I want to make a nice memory for the person I've committed to, and this enables me to take my 'self' out of my own way--and I'm repaid by having a wonderful time, even though I showed up on only one cylinder.

Sometimes my inner voice just says, "Staaap!" and I know that I need rest. I listen, and I'm careful to carve myself out a day free of commitments, and I either spend that time tending to personal care or housecleaning or relaxing. This revives me to ramp up my calendar again when I'm ready.

The stuff that you believe is your driver can change. Slow down, rest enough to tune into that shift--until you loose the chatter that keeps you on edge and uncomfortable about relaxing. Once you can trust that you're not missing out on anything important, the stuff you do opt to schedule will feel voluntary and important to you again--often for reasons quite different than the ones that drove you to run yourself down.

Head high.

Okay I'll try that. I'll try and focus on what feels right for me at that time and trust that I am doing what needs to hapen and that I'm not missing out on something if I don't go. I don't want to become a hermit either so I'll try and balance or do what feels right like I said.