weird signals, confused

Here is my story. My gf of almost 3 years broke up with me. Said she lost respect for me, feel out of love. We bought a house, in her name, and we lived together for over a year. I stayed there three weeks after the breakup, till I found a new place. She was distant and cold. After I moved out, we got kind of flirty, she was on match, we winked at each other etc. Flirty texts. Two weeks later she told me she was seeing someone. It was someone she new.

Two weeks after she told me, I went to get the rest of my stuff from her house. He was there, but I didn't see him. Now what confused me.

I was in the basement packing the stuff. She came down and stayed telling me that she was very hurt by the breakup, that she was being cold to help her cope. She was crying very hard. Then she went up stairs, and came back down later, crying again, telling me how much I had hurt her with some of the things I had said, I apologized, and left it at that. Later she came down again, and just was looking at me. Not saying anything. I asked her what was up and she said nothing, and just stood there for a few minutes.

As i was leaving, she came and hugged me, longer than I expected, I just one arm hugged her back. She reached up and ran her hand through my hair, and kissed my neck. She didn't say anything. I didn't know what to think.

I told her anything that was left she could have, or throw away. The biggest thing was a table saw that wouldn't fit in my car. She told me it wasn't going anywhere, which is a change from her telling me that she was throwing everything away.

The next morning she called me. Crying again, told me she was sorry that she hurt me. Told me I looked really good, I have lost about 15 pounds, got a haircut, wore her favorite jeans and cologne. I just said thank you and we ended the call.

No contract since, 5 days as I write this, not sure what to think. It has gotten me so confused. Any thoughts?

Sorry for the long post.

Why isn't your name on the house?

Credit issues

She is seeing someone else. There isn't anything you can do about that.

Why did she lose respect for you?

You were together for a long time. Of course she is going to feel sad that things had to end, regardless she did pull the trigger and end things. She also moved on pretty fast, which means that she had been checked out of the relationship already for a long time before cutting that last cord. Seeing you pack your last things and knowing this is it, is going to be an emotional moment. That's only natural, but it doesn't change anything. Her silence afterwards is telling you that regardless of having an emotional moment, things are over.

She lost respect because I couldn't quit smoking, lost my job and couldn't help with bills for a few months.

I understand that we are over, and have started moving on, just felt really weird the way she was acting when I was there. I'm probably reading to much into it.

She sounds like a mess and she is uncertain and insecure in her actions. I wouldn't put a lot of faith or trust in her actions. 3 years together was a quite a long time and to have purchased a "house" together, I wonder why you never were married? But with that being said, that sounds like a good thing, as your hands are washed clean of her antics. You dodged a bullet quite frankly...and after her antics of having someone over why she is acting the way she did...did you even gain respect for her? I don't know about all the issues you may have had...but this doesn't sound like a relationship worth rescuing....it ran its course.

We were engaged, but I think her heart wasn't wholly into it. Our relationship got stale, I should have seen it. I was happy, just being with her, she obviously wasn't, she never really talked, we never had an argument in the last year. She just let things build up. nothing we couldn't have worked out, she just have up I guess.

Well, go get a job, workout, pay all your bills, quit smoking, become super awesome, and she will come running back. Don't get complacent, even when you're married!

You can still turn this around!

To be honest, it's been 3 years now, and being the breadwinner with a mortgage is stressful. I am now translating my husband not working that he's a horrible provider, and becoming his mom who can't get a job.

Now if you were playing video games, not networking to find work, not helping at all with the household, or doing a majority of the chores while she was paying all your bills, and had no savings...you are being a deadbeat.

So, get your stuff together. And go get her!

I'm not sure I can turn this around, from what I heard she pretty much had this guy moved in.

You mean as a rebound?

If you didn't care about you, and had already checked out, she wouldn't have hid him from your view as you packed, and wouldn't have cried and watch you go.

She would have just left while you were there, and saying in her mind as she's sipping a margarita with her new man, going "Good riddens!"

The fact that you're kind of just rolling over, and letting it happen - maybe you are kind of dead-beat-ish. You have such easy fixes, and instead of addressing them, you just lay down like a potato.

What do you suggest I do? I have one more chance to see her, when I get the last thing I have at the house. After that I won't see her.

I was going to not contract her till next Friday/Saturday, see if she contacts me. Then tell her I'm getting my stuff on Sunday. I don't know what to say when I see her. I don't know what's going on in her head. She obviously still has feelings. Any advice?

I don't know I'd it's a rebound. She swears she never cheated, and days they went planning this before their breakup, that it just happened. I don't know what to believe.

Yes, she still has feelings. They don't go away in a week.

It'a a difficult adjustment for both of you. Which is why this could be a rebound for her as she is NOT ready emotionally or mentally to move on already.

All you do is contact her when you know you'll be getting what is left. Until then you do NO more contact.

You two are apart now so you each have to learn to respect this fact and work on accepting things and healing. Which can take months.

So, from now on have no more to do with her. It's hard to do, I know....

One day at a time... you're not alone. Just take care of YOU now.

Well, what's going on here will not get fixed with some magic words or magic beans. If you want her back, you need to get your life in order. Put away the video games. Get a job, quit smoking. Love yourself again. Go be awesome in the world. Then, when you are feeling awesome, reach out to her.

Just because there's some dude in the picture...he's a REBOUND. Rebounds are people you hook up with after a break-up to fill the void. It's not from cheating. Cheating is when you are in a relationship, not broken up, and banging someone behind their back.

And when I go get my stuff? Say nothing? Just get it and go?

It took months for your behavior to have her leave her. It will take months of you getting your butt in gear to make her want you back.

No one trusts overnight 180s. And overnight 180s will do nothing for you. All good things take work and energy.

When you get your stuff, you say things are good, and you hope you both can be friends one day. Then leave, and go get your groove back.

Everyone on this page is right on the money about the situation. Im going to put part of my own experience her in hopes that you can relate and maybe take something away from it. I had ceased communication with my ex since Saturday. This morning i got a text from her at 3 am saying, "This is the first time we have gone this long without speaking to each other" I waited till i was at work to reply and handled the situation as best i could given that enough time has passed for me where i feel in control. I think it caught her by surprise to see how mature i responded and we ended up having a meaningful conversation for once where we were both on the same page! I also told her i think its best i distance myself from her from this point onward because ultimately it will do us both some good because if theres ever going to be any chance of having a successful friendship we both need to get our hearts and minds in the right place. For the first time in a while we had communication again, and i took control. So its kind of a leap of faith and you have to trust even though it hurts that no matter what you'll be better for it. Either you come out a lot stronger or she sees the changes you have made and you can build from there. Best of luck!

So I texted her last night asking if I could get my stuff today. She said it wasn't a good day. I said ok, have a good night.

Texted this'd morning asking what day/time would be good. Told her I just rant to get my stuff and be done, close the door and move on.

Her reply: U said you took everything you wanted. Jared the door is shut. The last time you were here was the last chance. I told you .....I will not discuss this anymore. Have a good day.

I said: Ok... I heard what you told me last time I was there. It's fine though, I did say I didn't want it, You kind of implied that I could still get it. I understand though. Goodbye Debra.

So. I am walking away with three theories.

1) seeing me last Sunday was to hard on her emotionally, she can't go through it again.

2) she really has moved on, though unlikely given the way she acted last week, and the length of time we were together.

3) the new bf told her to say this to me. This thought only crossed my mind because I think it's easier for him if he doesn't have to deal with her emotions of seeing me again, thick it may be a stretch.

Either way I'm accepting that the stuff is gone. I'm going into NC. I'm moving on, and for some strange reason, at least at the moment, I am alright with it.

So should I just stay NC forever?

Yes...NC forEver. Also known as "getting on with your life".