If They Leave You To Go Back To Something Worse, Possible Theory As To Why!

First off I hope everyone out there is having the best day that they can have for themselves, I know breakup's and such are hard, and if your one of the ones having a bit of a tough time, I hope and pray that things get better real soon.

((This topic area might be long, I apologize for that, but I have never seen what I'm going to bring up here ever brought up around these parts, nor at any other breakup related web sites I've visited. I hope this can benefit someone out there.))

Next, there is something that I would very much like to bring up and possibly discuss. For recently, when talking with one of my breakup friends, via private messaging, I had brought something up, something that was brought to my attention via a very good friend of mine, little over a week ago on one of my late night walks. I told myself today, rather than just sharing some of my new founded perspective about something with just one person, perhaps share it with all, maybe someone out there can take something away from this and help them.

What I'm going to talk about is not a "one size fit's all" kind of a thing. There are many different elements and situations that lead to a breakup, not everyones is the same. What I'm bringing up is for those people out there, who have had loved ones leave them and choose to go back to worse situations than they are leaving. This is for those people who have provided their own loved ones a little slice of heaven, and their mate chooses to leave them and departs the slice of heaven and chooses to go back to something that is more like a person hell. This example is for those who stand there after their loved one leaves to go back to something worse, and might be scratching his/her head wondering why?

I'll give as brief of a history about my ex-fiance as I can, as to sum up her into my example.

My former fiancé came from a very troubled home, full of dysfunction, full of chronic alcoholism, prescription pill abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, possible sexual abuse, a home that had been exposed to her parents domestic violence, her Dad's fits of rage to the point shoving a handgun into his wife's face, my ex-fiance being pulled out of school in the second grade, for reasons not yet made clear to me, my ex-fiance's admitting of "gaps" in her childhood memory's, her being a "cutter" in her early teenage years and damaging her body's vaginal area, my ex-fiance being tormented and teased by her Sister's for all her life, her never being allowed to return to school and never being allowed to seek out therapy for her troubles, never being allowed to call her own shot's with her own disability money, her lack of being able to transport herself anywhere, from the ages of 0 to 26 never living outside the home, always living life 80% to 90% up in her bedroom, her lack of "real world" friends, she doesn't have a one, her pertinacity to think that the Internet is real and sometimes real life is fake, her mother suffering mental issues due to battered wife syndrome, never really being allowed to seek out and get world experiences, like exposer to different cultures and such, her Father's purposeful manipulations of both the SSI and V.A. systems like false information and fudging on dates, the cheating, the lies, the stealing and her Father sometimes using the word of God for his own selfish and self seeking ends and uses the word of God to control situations that he doesn't like, like to throw out a lot of God related guilt trips on people, as so that they stop doing what he doesn't like and makes them comply to what he wants......ect. ect. ect.

This person some time later comes into my life, a very normal life, a life that for the most part has never seen any of the bad situations that she had been exposed to growing up. For the first time she had a man like me in her life who unconditionally loved her and could through himself and his family give her "the world", she was exposed to having personal freedoms, freedom to handle her own money, freedom to call my home her's, freedom to buy what she wanted, freedom to buy things from where she wanted, freedom to have her very own kitchen and run it as she liked, freedom to set her own schedule! Also she was exposed to my friends and family and got to see what a non-dysfunctional family looks like, she was given by way of myself and my family ton's of worldly experiences, which were all "1st" in her life, this list could just keep going on, but you get the point, with me and what my family could provide her, she had her own little slice of heaven here.

This is where it gets interesting, on that walk with my friend the other night we were talking about all the information about the breakup that we had, we also talked about what we knew her to be doing after getting back home in Ohio. I just kept throwing out there that she was just a dysfunction person and knew no better. My friend didn't agree, actually he one upped me a little by presenting me with a new perspective.

He told me that everything started to go very much "down hill" in the relationship after I put my foot down, months before the breakup about how there will be no more sending any more money to her parents. Which offended all of them. Then he said the late night private phone calls started between Daughter and Father, the intimacy started to fade, our ability to have good conversations dried up, basically by me doing what I did, I drove a wedge between myself and her and her family. So in the end, a choice either by way of her exercising her powers of choice or her Father telling her what she's going to do because a "higher power" told him to do so, regardless the breakup happened and she choose or was instructed to go back to the environment I stated above.

I was told that my ex-fiance had been exposed to the environment that she was going back to all her life, he suspected that her mind and her heart became so desensitized by all the chaos, the trauma, the abuse, the violence, the alcoholism, the pill abuse, he told me that at some point her mind convinced her that what she was living thought was "normal", so at some point, and without question, she came to a mental place that what her family did were the ways a normal family, and that what she was exposed to was just how a normal family operates, and there's nothing that no one on the outside could say to her to prove her otherwise.

My friend summed it all up for me like this!

He told me to look at the situation as being in the shoes of a prison inmate, the inmate is locked up, in his or her cell all day, is exposed to inmate abuse, be it verbal, physical or sexual, after time they become desensitized to it all, after time they come to a mental place that everything bad their exposed to is normal, is exposed to power hungry prison workers and the warden, get's accustomed with being told what to do all the time, get's accustomed with being told where to go all the time, get's accustomed to being told how to do it all the time, basically my friend told me that dysfunction has very little to do with it, but the label of one being "institutionalized" does!

He told me that my former fiance's house is the "prison", that her bedroom is the "prison cell", that her Mother is another "inmate" and her Father is the "jail warden", he told me their older model Dodge Durango is the official "inmate transport vehicle", he told me that when the warden authorizes, the inmates are allowed to use the inmate transport vehicle as to leave the prison on a temporary work release program, and as long as what their doing serves the warden like food shopping and such, if it serves the warden then they are allowed to use the vehicle. When they return back to the prison , it's back to their appropriate cells, the Mother, back into the home office and get back on Facebook and play Candy Crush all day! My ex-fiance, back upstairs to her cell, where she'll log back on her computer and resume talking with my former gaming group and game all night. I was told that my ex-fiance uses her computer as an actual prison inmate would use an old fashioned phone, it's their only real link to the outside world.

He told me that she went back to her old environment because my ex-fiance suffers from the condition of being mentally "institutionalized"! She knows really no other way of life, and I was told that in some cases, when a real prison inmate is released, by either time served or parole, if that inmate can't handle things in the outside world, if they can't handle the new founded social aspects of freedom, or the new founded choices to make with their own money, or it's that the sensations of new founded intimacy with a loved one are to much, that inmate will throw it all away because of how uncomfortable they are in the 'real world" and choose to possibly commit another crime, a crime that they know will land them back into jail or prison , and they are okay about it, because, after all, their going back to a way of life that they think is "normal"!

So to end this example, and again this isn't a "one size fit's all" kind of a deal, but if any of you have had loved one choose to leave you and maybe go back to environments such as my ex-fiance's, and you stand their scratching your heads thinking "wow, they had it all with me, a safe home, a safe loved one, plenty of freedoms, plenty or worldly experiences, ect. ect. ect. if you think they are "nut's" or "crazy" or "mentally irregular" for leaving the little slice of heaven that you both created for yourselves and they choose to go back into questionable situations, that are far more dangerous than anything you had provided for them, and if by chance they appear to be 100% "A-okay" with it, and act like what their going back to, like my ex-fiance's is business as usual and it doesn't affect them much about the slice of heaven that their choosing to leave , if this is all the case, then you might be dealing with someone who has a real bad case of "institutionalism" and that condition is what their comfortable with and perhaps all they've known through out their lives and in the end, what their going back to is all normal to them!

I think this example has been my missing puzzle piece, I think due to the fact that I didn't look seriously at someone who suffers "institutionalism", I just kept throwing out labels on her like psychopath, narcissist, sociopath, whatever clever label at that moment might be, and that I thought fit, I never looked at the label of "mentally institutionalized", for me this examples almost answers it all.

In the end it's just so very sad, I'm suspecting that my ex-fiance really doesn't know what she's done, what she's really given up by leaving me, I think she's been so programed into her ways of thinking, that what she returned to and lives everyday in, I think it's pathetically sad that she thinks it's all normal. We all tried to help her look at what she was going to leave behind, none of it worked, all the while she gave us the impression that she was totally fine going back into a dangerous environment, in some aspects she even appeared to be excited to do so!

No matter what we say or do to try and convince a truly institutionalized person that what their doing is wrong, like going back to dangerous places, it's no use, no words or actions will change the truly institutionalized person!

Sad part is, they don't even know to be sad for themselves, after all, the bad things they went back to is all normal to them, so why should they be sad about it, just business as usual to the institutionalized person! :sorrow:

Thank you for expressing some of your concerns, although I have to admit it was extremely challenging to read due to the flow of your post and the very very small font. In the end, she is an adult and she went back to what she was used to. I think you both come from very different moral foundations, right or wrong, healthy or unhealthy. The fact is that you both have different values and perspectives on life. You had each other in your lives for a period of time, but the stars were not meant to align for a life time. She went to where she came from and you stood firm on your morals and beliefs. This isn't a rarity in our world. With all the different cultures, customs, religions, beliefs, etc... it is rare that one finds another with similar foundational morals and beliefs. In the end, you both were just not meant to be. I understand you are confused, upset and wish you could find the solution. But you can't always make sense of how the world happens. You should be proud that you stood up for your beliefs in the end. Wouldn't you feel much better by finding someone that shares the same outlook on life? Let her live her life. If you think you could have provided her a better life, let her be the one to decide that. Whatever her decision is, don't deny her the right as a human to move forward with how she sees fit. respect it. I am sure there were many red flags in throughout the relationship that you were willing to turn a blind eye too...time to focus on yourself and heal yourself...don't try to heal her, because she doesn't want to be healed as you see fit.

I think it more simple than that... no two people are alike, and they are influenced by all kinds of things including their personalities and backgrounds.

But people do what they want to do and gravitate towards things they want/like and away from things they don't. and they gravitate towards what is familiar and comfortable for them. An old expression goes, one person's trash is another person's treasure. She is not going to live the life that YOU want her to live, but the life that SHE wants to live. Her choices may not make sense to you, but they will to her. Maybe she found trying to live a drama-free middle class life oppressive and realized she preferred her previous life so went back to it.

In other words, maybe you think her life with you was a 'slice of heaven', but to her it just wasn't. different people seek/value different things.

I wouldn't waste my time trying to label her. You seem to be trying to assign psychiatric issues to her where probably none exist.

The simplest explanation is usually the right one, she just didn't love you. That's sad for you and I sympathize but it doesn't make her institutionalized.

We all like to demonize our ex when they leave, but most of them have done nothing more than stop loving us.

Better they leave and give us a chance with someone else who might truly love us though.

I know you're hurting right now but hang in there, it gets better

I could be wrong, and as the pun goes, I could be making mountains out of mole hills here! I was just simply going off the recent example that my good friend had brought to my attention. Like many around me, myself included, we at various times try to make sense of it all. We have had plenty of scratching our heads moments and wondering why? The example that I brought before everyone was just a theory, I'm not claiming it to be the 100% answer to it all, it was just an example that was brought to my attention and some how, some way, the puzzle pieces of "why" just kind of fell into place, it made sense to me! But like many have said here, we only know what we know, and I guess my ex-fiance is entitled to that concept as well.

As Clinton said : " Better they leave and give us a chance with someone else who might truly love us though."

Your right, probably after I invest more time in my own personal healing and keep going to my support groups and my psychiatrist, and keep reading my self help books and keep talking to people, perhaps after the dust of everything settles I will be in a better position to realize that perhaps my ex did me an awesome favor by being uncomfortable with the life me and my family were able to provide and she choose to go back home. As Clinton said, it will then give me a chance to find someone else who might truly love me and be comfortable with all that I can provide.

And Dcgent hinted around to the possibility of some "red flags" that I was blinded to, your correct, there were many that I choose to turn a blind eye to, all for the mire fact that I was in love! In one of my posts I described right from the words "get go" two big and huge "red flags" that were there. But alas, I had the blinders of love on and was looking at life through rose colored glasses and by what ever means made the choice to be blind to them, in the end I'm learning that by making a personal choice to have chosen to be "blinded" by many red flags, I have some of my own self to blame as to what I'm feeling now. If I would have thought more objectively and thought more logically and would have acted my age I might have never gotten myself into the situations of the heart I'm dealing with now.

And as Lavanderdove ​eluded to, perhaps she didn't like the "slice of heaven" that we all were providing for her. Maybe I was trapped inside my own arrogance to see that perhaps she was uncomfortable living an upper middle class freedom filled life. To me life in the "maggot bowl" as her family calls it is alien to me, it's like a foreign landscape that I had been exposed to for two weeks while I was there back in May 2013. Maybe I just have to face the facts and realize that everything me and my family can provide a person might not be for everyone.

This is all given some new things to ponder, thank you all for giving me the new ponderments!

>>o me life in the "maggot bowl" as her family calls it is alien to me,

Many people unfortunately choose to stay with abusive spouses, families etc. To drink and do drugs and live off welfare or a life of crime in a cesspool while they do that, when they could make a choice to get an education, get a job, quit their addictions, and live a normal life. But to them, what they are doing may be exciting, familiar, easier, less boring, whatever, but something they prefer to do. To some people, a 'normal life' feels stifling and flat. Not everyone is interested in living a balanced or 'normal' life.

To use your friend's analogy, we all live in our own prisons. Your upper middle class life is not a freedom filled utopia by any stretch of imagination. It only seems that way to you because that's how you were raised, that's how you are used to living, those are the rules, walls, customs and limitations you understand to such an extent that you don't even see the barbed wire fences. They make you feel safe rather than threatened and stifled. What you are doing is in fact very arrogant, but very human - my prison is better than your prison. She simply decided that it's not the case for her. Your utopia are her barbed wire fences.

Cool post DancingFool.

It's hard to have such a lopsided relationship, where your life experiences and perspectives were so very different. Even though your world was "better", it was also unfamiliar, and not really a part of her identity. She may have felt that she didn't really deserve it, and that kind of thinking can only be changed from within, it can't be changed from the outside. By making her choose your world over her old one, you made it into a kind of ultimatum, and she wasn't ready to completely abandon the old. A healthy relationship (at least in my opinion) is not about one person saving the other, but about two people who complement each other working to build something new. They both have to do some giving up of their old world to embrace the new one that is being created, but if one person has to do much more changing and growth than the other it will be difficult.

I think it's good and natural for you to explore some of the mysteries that have come up pre and post breakup. I remember having a lot of loose threads that I had to untangle. Allow yourself to work through it at your own pace.

Just be careful - that missing puzzle piece is more elusive than you may think. You stick it in there and things seem to make sense, but then you notice that there are pieces missing in other parts of the puzzle. It's a fools errand to keep working on it hoping to finally understand everything that happened. Things can get so wrapped up in strong emotions that cannot ever truly be explained by reason, that at some point the struggle to understand can actually make healing harder.

Eventually I realized that rather than pulling the loose thread to see where it goes, it was better to just get the scissors out and cut it off

Thanks for sharing your views and story with us all. Here's hoping you can heal, and get to a point of being able to create a new slice of heaven together with someone who wants to stick around and build that with you.

By making her choose your world over her old one, you made it into a kind of ultimatum!

That's kind of the problem here, I never once gave my ex-faince "one" ultimatum! I never, nor any of my friends, nor any member of my family ever put in a position that she had to choose between our life style or the one she grew up in!

I know it's a super long read, but if one wants to get a good grasp on how my breakup really went down, than help yourself to it.......

You will find out that I never backed her into any type of wall and forced her to choose anything, you'll see that her Father in the end made all the choices, and in the end his own Daughter had to play "good solider" and follow out her Fathers requests, darn shame, 27 year old adult being instructed by her father as if she's 13, all to get his meat hooks into her disability money, damn shame!

Just out of curiosity, you state her age, but how old are you?

Just out of curiosity, you state her age, but how old are you?

I am 44 years old, a product of the year 1970!

Thank you for posting some of your relationship details on a separate thread as well. I wanted to ask your age, as at times that can be a determining factor in maturity and short/long term goals. Perceptions on life tend to be vastly different as well. I still think that you were both not a good match from the get go for a few different reasons:

Age differences

Socio-economic differences

Morals/Values differences

crash and burn pace of relationship

I have to admit, it seemed like you guys moved quite fast in the relationship to go from online conversations/video conversations to a first time visit and having her move back with you from that first visit. I know butterflies were in the air and rainbows were abound, but how much did you really get to know about her before bringing her home with you to live, especially if there was no commitment like marriage? Personally, i would be put off by people taking photos of me seeing someone for the first time and calling me "son"...but that is just me. I would have boarded the plan back home at that point as it would be very uncomfortable. Also, when it appear the relationship was failing, you decided to propose to her to fix things? Did you guys discuss marriage in the past? Was she expecting it? If it only took a week or two of being together for the first time, to qualify as enough time to have her become your live-in girlfriend....why did it take over a year to propose to her?

With your difference in ages, did you have much conversation about where you each saw yourselves in the future? What were her goals and your goals in the future?

You both obviously come from very different background, from how you describe things. Did you explore each other moral beliefs or what you each valued in life? I also have to ask if you flaunted the fact that your family may have more money than hers. You speak of showering her with gifts and trips and dining etc... Where you delivering unrealistic expectations to her? Where I am really confused is could you even afford to do so if you are dependent on your mother to pay for such a lifestyle? Did you promise her, intentionally/unintentionally, a life of trips, presents, and money to toss around? I have a feeling if this is how the first year of the relationship was conducted, this was her expectations. Quite frankly, it sounds like there might be some similarities between you and her family. No offense, but you are upset that her family is asking for money to live their lives, while you are also asking your family to live your life? Why do you need your mother to rent you cars? Why do you need your mother to subsidize your lifestyle? And if you are having issue paying the bills, yet you live in a place that has a spa, etc... are you living beyond your means, but flaunting a lifestyle that is in fact not a reality? And if your ex found it to be normal behavior to be dependent on your mother for your lifestyle...why should she see a problem for helping her parents get by? At any rate, this situation is a bit confusing for me from an outside point of view. It just appears that both you and her parents are living parallel lives of being dependent on others for money and living beyond your means. One final note on that, if her families perception of you is that you can wheel and deal and go on trips all the time...maybe they did not think much of asking for some financial assistance because you have money to throw around on these trips and presents.

Did you ever think that maybe she was put off by the fact your lifestyle suddenly changed and you were just her girlfriend, so what obligation did she have to you if she uprooted her life to live with you? That you went from polar opposites of living loose, to living frugal? Maybe she saw the charade and this wasn't what she signed up for. Not that she was expecting to live an easy life, but fortunes changed and she was still just a live-in girlfriend...

I also get the sense that you wanted to be a "saint" by taking care of someone that you perceived had a less fortunate life than yourself. Like you want to be a caretaker and take in a charity case. You both come from such different backgrounds... And you struggle to analyze in detail her behaviors and her families behaviors...why are you wasting your time on this. They live thousands of miles away and you think you know them? Your posts lead me to believe that you are also living off of rumors and innuendo. Friends and family are telling you their perceptions and apparent interactions that may or may not be true. Maybe they are just feeding you B.S. At this point, you need to cut off any form of communication with anyone associated with her and live your own life. Quite frankly, I think you need to stop trying to diagnose the behaviors of others, but turn that energy to focusing on yourself and understanding your current status and who you live your life. How do you need to move forward in the future to avoid situations like these?

I once got out of a long relationship...and after that relationship ended, I tried to diagnose behaviors and where did things go wrong, etc..., etc... In the end we have different morals/beliefs and different perceptions of the world around us. I learned to respect that and move on. In the end, I need to worry about myself most and if someone is adding a toxicity to my life, I need to create distance and surround myself with like minds.

Maybe you need to seek out a therapist that can help you get your life back on track so you stop ruminating on a relationship that was most likely doomed from the get go. I am certain that a well qualified therapist is going to tell you to stop over analyzing others behaviors and figure out a course of action to live your life as you seem fit.

You trying to figure out how this relationship in such granular details is like trying to touch your right elbow with your right hand....its impossible.

I wish you good luck and I really hope you can let go and expend your energy on something more positive.

Dcgent : Thank you for you very informative and insightful post! Yours was the first forum post of any kind that I read in the morning and couldn't respond until night time, I needed time to process what you said and get back to you on it. So I took some time today, but while I was going about my daily routine I was thinking about all of what you said, and in the end, I had to come to realization that for the most part your right on just about everything you touched on. The part that first hurt the most was being compared to some sort of "care taker", trying to be a "saint" or taking on a "charity case"! That all hurt at first, but as I took the time to process that through the day I came to realize that you might be some what right, not all, but some what. Yeah, I like to be looked upon with just about everything I do for people as the "nice guy" or the guy who always does the "right thing" or the guy who is "charitable to the needy" and so forth. I think the part of me that likes to present the "nice guy" took offense to your comments, but as time went by I realized that yes indeed I did take her on and bring her into my life out of some what feeling sorry for her and wanting to help provide her better. So yes, I'm guilty of that, I can now own that and say yes, a part of me might have taken her on out of concerned and caring charity.

And you and several others around these parts are correct, that I've sure done a whole lot of analyzing the situation and doing a lot of over processing of it. In the end, I'm just going to have to with some discomfort and face the facts that I probably will never have all the answers to why this all happened. Your right, everyone I've talk to "post situation" may or may not be correct with what they've shared with me, and the information I've gotten from her two different family members could in the end prove to be nothing but bull sh*t! So I agree with you, my energy might be best if aimed else where, maybe here in a short period of time I can work more so on letting all this go and perhaps jump starting my life back up and start living again!

But as I end this post I would like to make one thing very crystal clear, we might have been from two different world, we might have been from the opposite sides of the tracks, she might have been born with an aluminum spoon and I might have been born with a silver spoon, we might of had 18 years of age difference between us ect. ect. ect.

But regardless of any of the differences or the worlds between us, at least both of us can say one thing, even with the huge differences.......At least we tried!

I guess it's time to move on now, work on myself for a while, stop talking to people now about everything, including her two family members, I guess just try to do the best I can and know that possibly I might meet someone else, someone who might be more compatible with me!

Again Dcgent thanks for facts, thanks for your post and thanks for possibly kicking me in my crotch for my own good!

I am 44 years old, a product of the year 1970!

Sorry to add, but I think 44 is way too old for a 27-year old. Aside from the age, it's a gap in life experience and perspective. For her side, it's possible that with her daddy issues that you became a surrogate. On the other side, men who date troubled girls so much younger sometimes have a myriad of issues themselves.

I know I am too old for a 20-year old guy. It would feel like I am dating a kid. I also know I am too young for a 50-year old man. It would feel like I am dating my father.

Sorry to add, but I think 44 is way too old for a 27-year old. Aside from the age, it's a gap in life experience and perspective. For her side, it's possible that with her daddy issues that you became a surrogate. On the other side, men who date troubled girls so much younger sometimes have a myriad of issues themselves.

You know something Ms Darcy little over a year ago I would have been so totally offended by such statements, that it would have made my head spin! Because in the beginning, when I thought I was so called "madly in love" both my ex-fiance and myself were subjected to the important people in our lives warning us about how people are going to judge us, how people will not look fondly upon you due to your age differences. I was warned by some that to the public it would appear that you would be walking around with say a Daughter, not a fiancé!

At first I didn't heed the warning and cautions because after all is was "in love" and at first the age thing meant nothing! But as time went on, your perspective Ms Darcy came more and more into play. Where as she might want to fire up Netflix and watch some old re-runs of Pokemon, where I on the other hand would have loved to fire up Netflix and perhaps watch a good World War II documentary! Where as time went on she was more prone to want to go to local video arcades to play games and hang out. Where I on the other would want to go to say the museum or a local park and hang out and enjoy life separate from video game technology! When my well educated friends would come over and we would talk about some pretty detailed and in depth kind of stuff, she would be more prone to inject things of a more emotion based nature, rather than the logic based nature that the conversation was running on!

But you get my meaning, and a year ago I would of told you that that your perspective was flawed and "how dare you", but now, I have to be honest with myself and say that you pretty much hit a "bull's eye" when it comes to what you told me. Enough time has gone by since the breakup, that the dust of the situation is settling and now being able to look at things more objectively, I can agree with you, age was a very large part as to why things didn't work out.

Also while I'm being so honest here and willing to agree with different people's perspectives, yes, your also right, I do have my issues and problems, some of which probably contributed to the start of a relationship, that normal people would not have attempted. Since the breakup and since joining several local weekly support groups, one being a codependent 12 step program, I have learned that in many regards my issues contributed to the start of my prior relationship. My issues pertaining to child abandonment, my issues with insecurities, my issues with acceptance, my issues with self worth or self esteem, the list could go on! But at least I'm at a point where I've put pride and ego aside in regards to even joining a couple support groups and seeking out some professional help, at least I know enough today to litely realize that I really had no business in that style of relationship.

In the end, as I've learned from some friends, have learned from some family and have learned by my own thoughts and learned from people like you.......it just wasn't a good match, to many way different variables to champion and get over. I'm now in no rush to get myself into another serious relationship, right now I have told myself that the mature and sensible thing to do is work on myself for a while and try to learn from my mistakes and get to a point where they might not be repeated in future relationships.

But thank you very much Ms Darcy for your perspective and for being right on a couple things here!

I wish you luck on your healing. No matter the circumstances, breakups are very difficult to deal with. Good luck.

I wish you luck on your healing. No matter the circumstances, breakups are very difficult to deal with. Good luck.

Yes, regardless of situations and circumstance, at the end of the day, regardless of how much wisdom I've gained by my groups, web sites like this, from friends, from family, from my shrink, from people like you, your right, breakup's are very hard to deal with! I miss some aspects of her so very much, then on the flip side I am so thankful to not be subjected by some of her anymore, then there's that gray area in between that makes you stuck between two worlds of thought, ect. ect. ect.

But yeah, it's been hard, but even through the pain, the hurt, the doubts, the worry, the "second guessing" and chaos, I'm still here without her, I'm still breathing without her, eventually my mind will hopefully get totally comfortable with the whole "being without her"!

Time will tell, but thanks for your comments, it's very much appreciated!

I am glad to hear that some or my thoughts, advice are useful, or enlightening and not taken as offensive in nature. Sometimes it can be hard to take an outside perspective, when you are so immersed in the emotion of the situation. You are correct, you both tried...but ultimately it just didn't work out. You tried to make it work for over a year and the relationship just didn't have the strength to continue, but that doesn't mean the love and effort wasn't there. Now it is time to separate yourself from this time/experience in your life and move forward.

Your additional posts about her wanting to watch cartoons, but you wanting to watch more adult style programs I think highlights some facts that you were both had very different tastes. This isn't even necessarily an age thing per se, as you could have both liked pokemon or both could have liked WWII documentaries...but you aren't the same in the end and had very different ideas of how to relax and enjoy TV. So in the end, I think this goes to show where you were both polar opposites.

I would think the future, also look for relationships that are moving forward...progressing. i.e. relationships that have a common path forward. Living in limbo or uncertainly makes any sort of future cloudy and this can put stress on a relationship. Why be with someone if it isn't going any where. While it is fun to live in the spur of the moment...there does need to be time in which partners are assessing the relationship together as well as independent in order to establish a path forward. The proposal during a shaky time of the relationship gives me the impression of desperate to maintain a relationship slowly dying because no concrete goals in the future have been discussed or established...these knees jerk reactions can happen when trying to take control of a dying situation.

At any rate, I hope you are progressing, as I am sure you are. I am pleased to hear you are open to others thoughts and advice.