I think I am healed, but my heart never recovered..

Just wondering if anyone else is/ went through this.

It's just a few days short of 7 months since we broke up. Took me almost 4 months to finally cut all ties with her as I kept on swallowing her breadcrumbs from day 1. It's now been 3 months since we met or even spoke and this all came after 2 days of spending every minute together. Then when all seemed to be going well, she actually took a phone call and planned a date with some guy (who is now her new bf) right in my face! I kicked her out that instant and never looked back.

Have to say that I learned a lot about myself, life and the mistakes I made as well. When we first broke up, I was spiraling out of control with alcohol, drugs and seemed to be on a mission of self-destruction. Then from that day on (3 months ago) I stopped all the stupid things, started living a healthy life and been going to the gym every single day. I actually gained 26 lbs of muscle and now have the body I never believed I could. I eat only healthy food, almost no alcohol and no more drugs either. Been going out with plenty of women and enjoying myself and doing great at work too. But....

When it comes to women, and I've dated quite a few now, I just cannot see past "just having a good time" and this worries me. Friends told me "its just until you meet the right one" but in all honestly, out of the women I have dated, 3 have been more than great. Amazing chemistry, attraction, and character match. Sex was great too but when it comes down to taking the next step, (ie. be exclusive and start talking about what could possibly develop) I step back and come up with all kinds of excuses in my head why I shouldn't commit. Deep down having a stable relationship and family (I'm approaching 30 now) is what I want but I can't just picture it anymore... One girl was better than my ex in each and every way and this amazed me as I always thought she was perfect when we were together. I was clear from the start with this girl that I didn't think I can do more than just have fun and she said it was fine as she too didn't want a relationship! But after 6 weeks of dating, she wanted more and God as my witness I really wanted to, but I couldn't so I ended it as I didn't want her to get more hurt.

My ex is totally out of my head and I consider myself healed and looking forward to my future but it feels like my heart never really 'made it home' and I see this as becoming an issue to me soon.. Anyone been through this?

The true break up is only 3 months old. That isn't that long.

If I were you, I would take a break from dating, as you don't have trouble finding quality women. You just don't want them now.

Be solo ---- and when you get to that place where you ARE thinking.....hmmm, time to find a mate......then go looking again.

The true break up is only 3 months old. That isn't that long.

 

If I were you, I would take a break from dating, as you don't have trouble finding quality women. You just don't want them now.

 

Be solo ---- and when you get to that place where you ARE thinking.....hmmm, time to find a mate......then go looking again.

That is what a few people have said to me as well. I do agree to some point but the thing is I live alone and all of my friends (which isn't a big list) are either married or in serious relationships, which means I have a lot of alone time unless I go out. When I stayed home alone, I always ended up drinking and doing stupid stuff and I am scared that by 'staying alone' again, I am risking the downward spiral once again. Very tough situation

Actually --- it is time to learn to be alone without resorting to "hiding".

If you can be happy being alone (which is not the same as staying in your apartment alone)---- you can do ANY activity alone, without being "in a relationship",

whether it is travel, or sports, or movies ---- dinner out.....

Make life a "solo adventure" ---- talk to people, learn something new.

One of the best periods of my life was the three years I took off from dating after my divorce. I went anywhere I wanted when I wanted

If I felt like taking off to another city at a moments notice I went

I fished, canoed, hiked and climbed to my hearts content

It was AWESOME. I'm in a committed relationship now and very happy but every once in a while I do miss that kind of freedom.

Take advantage of your time alone and enjoy it. It may not come again.

and you know what's also good about being alone, especially after a breakup or in between relationships, and especially if the previous relationship was a hand full to deal with:

no drama!

Drama free life for a while!

When you get to the stage where missing your ex becomes bearable, that is the first thing I enjoy the most.

You are not healed or over your ex if you are able to calculate down to the hour and day when you last did x y z that involved your break up. You will be over her when you don't even worry about these milestones. Obviously she still runs through your head and you are ruminating over these dates and times and occurrences. Quite frankly, whey are you so worried about finding the "one" right now. have fun dating...who cares if you can't progress on to a relationship. That basically means you are not finding someone that truly captures your heart. When I ended my last long relationship, I found myself so relieved and didn't date for a few months. Then I decided to start dating again...a month in, I found my future wife. It wasn't intended, I planned to date and have fun. I met some great people, but I wasn't dead set on finding the one...and suddenly she appeared and the rest is history. At any rate, quit stressing about it. If dating feels unhealthy to you, then stop. If dating is fun, then do it.

""My ex is totally out of my head and I consider myself healed and looking forward to my future but it feels like my heart never really 'made it home' and I see this as becoming an issue to me soon.. Anyone been through this? ""

Well . . maybe she's out of your head but the experience isn't.

You seem to be a little guarded and I would find that totally understandable 3 months post breakup.

Take the others advise. . Take it slow, enjoy your time alone, if you do date, don't put so many expectations on yourself.

Just know that these things take time.

I've been starting to date after 6 mos of NC. I still feel my self resistant to take it any further than a casual date or friendship.

I trust I won't always feel this way.

You're not over it IMO, perhaps you're forgetting about her more and more as time goes on, but the whole break up, you still have some ways to go. It's very rare we stay broken (unless we force ourselves to or hang on it).

Just live your life, it sounds like you're on the right track. You will know when you're truly healed.

Thank you for all your thoughts, it does make me think about certain things which I previously overlooked.

I am not worried about not finding the one, if something is meant to be it will be. I am worried about not allowing it to be and perhaps I am not at the stage of trusting anyone with my feelings again. As long as any girl I date is OK with not being serious, I am happy as I don't want to hurt anyone. However, I will be taking a break from all that now and focusing, like many here suggested, on having fun on my own. I plan to go to dinner tonight and then a movie, just hang solo and try and enjoy the freedom.

As for still marking the date of BU or NC, I think it is my way of protecting myself from being vulnerable again so you are probably right in saying I am not 100% over the previous relationship, though I am 100% over her. Trying to make some new friends too and see what new experiences can come up along the way. Will see what happens but it helps to read other people's experiences and knowing they made it through a similar situation, so thanks again!