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This is the first time I have ever turned to the internet for help. I'm skeptical, but I'm also desperate, so.. Here goes.

I will try to keep this short, and hope that someone out there is feeling charitable with their perspective today. If you do decide to reply, please be gentle.

 

 

After 2 years of being single, I decided it was time to move on from my last relationship, so I did what any twenty-something who's lonely and looking for love does - I signed up for online dating. After pouring over the question and answer sections of countless profiles - I found someone who I began chatting with, and over the course of several weeks developed feelings for them. She was unbelievably beautiful, smart as a whip, and so, so funny! Can I call her "S"?

 

At the same time, there was flirtation happening between myself and a girl I worked with at the time. Her name was "A".

A had been through a lot in her life, and though she appeared crazy (had 16 cats and 2 dogs, cared little about what others thought about it) she was also profoundly caring, insightful, and genuine. We would walk together daily, and I developed feelings for her as well. Different than the ones I had for A, but very strong.

 

Fast forward 8 months, and I am in a relationship with A, but continuing to see S, and feel like the scum of the universe. I never meant for this to happen, but I couldn't muster up the nerve to break up with either one of them. A gave me the nurturing comfort I craved, and S was exciting, sexy, and above all else: so funny.

 

I don't want to waste any nice person's time explaining why both of these women are good women. They are. Too good, really. Frankly, I don't deserve either of them - I'm a garbage person for letting this happen, and after 8 months, I can't exactly hide behind the facade of a caring person who's just 'afraid to hurt someone else's feelings (though I am terrified of that) as a reason for not ending things properly.

 

I am having my cake and eating it too, and hate myself more than I ever have. I don't know how I became this way, but I don't like it.

 

I am lying like a dirt bag. I am heartbroken, because I don't want either of them to be gone forever, like I know they will be. I know I have done wrong, and am continuing to do wrong, but can any one point me in a better direction? To be honest, the guilt is getting hard to live with, and I have no one else to discuss this with.

 

How can I navigate this situation without causing further harm to either of these women, when I feel like I don't want to be without either of them, which is so, so selfish?

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I'm glad you've come to realize what you've done. Playing both of them

 

When I feel when you had that interest in A, you should NOT have gone anywhere with S! It is not fair, you met up with her and already had that interest in A.

(But then again.. how's going to end up when **** flies and you WORK with one you're dating? Not such good results there, either)..

 

I don't think one can live a double life forever. It's just too much. So, yes time to deal with this.

Thing is.. you've messed both of them around & haven't been honest. So, may be best to remove both of them.. get over this mess- take a few months alone.. then consider finding a date again.

 

IF you feel you can't do it face to face.. maybe an email? Honestly tell them this isn't going to work out and you are going to back out.

 

I think it's up to you on whether you'll actually tell them about the 'other'. But, yes time to act.

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33, I really appreciate your words of encouragement.

 

I definitely feel it's time to act. Do you personally feel it's worth explaining that I've been having an affair to either of them? Would there be a point in unnecessarily hurting them? I can process my own guilt, I just don't want to hurt anyone, though I realize I already have.

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You will be hurting both these girls in the end. Your selfish reasoning is not going to matter to either of them. I think you need to 'sit in the corner and think about what you have done' so to speak. It is evident that you don't like doing it, but you will not cease from doing it either. I recommend you reflect on the hurt you could cause them individually. Because of you, they will have trust issues when someone worthwhile comes along for them. It is time to stop your games and either pick one and hope she never finds out, or (my personal favorite option) stop seeing both of them. It's obvious that you are not ready to give a real relationship what it demands and you are hurting these ladies along the way. Take a good look at the damage you can cause and re-evaluate your situation.

I am not judging you by any means and I'm sure you do know how to be monogamous. But now is the best time to stop what is going on, before the situation gets even more complicated, ie, someone ends up pregnant or wants to get married.

I wish you well and hopefully you make a decision soon

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I'm sorry but did you just describe both these women as somewhat of angels and you yourself as, rightfully so, selfish, but you still don't know what to do?

 

You muster up what little pride you have left, tell them the truth and let them live a life with somebody who is worthy of their time and who doesn't go and pick the good traits of people to build one superwoman out of several people.

Also not somebody who can't choose between two people because he thinks it's okay as long as he feels guilty about it or knows it is selfish.

 

If these women knew what you were up to they wouldn't be with you.

You are postponing the inevitable for your own good.

 

I didn't want to be harsh but you are asking advice on how you can keep doing what you are doing without hurting somebody.

You can't, because even without telling them, you already have.

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Perfect Life, thank you for thoughtful response. I really don't want these girls to have trust issues. Especially not S, who has never been with another man before - and I've f****ed it all up for her. I want to be with S, but I can't feature having "the conversation" with A. I will strongly consider leaving both - I think it's probably most decent. Thanks again.

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Please don't be with S either. If you are her first man now, let her have a second who will do it right from the very beginning so she doesn't move on always thinking she is/was (no difference there in the mind of a person) number two. You'll never convince her, ever, that she is a number one in your book. Ever.

 

What has been broken in that regard, especially if you are her first, can not be undone. I have been number two. I have tried to overcome that. It can never be undone.

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Staysound, thank you for your insight. I have never been in the absurd situation I have put either of these girls in, so I really appreciate your input. Also, I am sorry that people (and men) do these types of things. I hope somebody special has made you their number one.

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