Glad I wasn't a jerk about her leaving me

In many of past relationships from years back, I never handled breakups well. Like most people, I made all the classic mistakes of either begging, arguing, or pleading for them back; or breaking it off in a cold and rude manner. In the end, some ex's finally showed up again, and I reconnected with them, but it certainly resulted in an uncomfortable reconnection for me because I always had something to be embarrassed about.

In 1998, I married for the first time, thinking I was finally done with breakups. I was naive, and lived my marriage as if it wouldn't end. Although I didn't realize I still had (and have) a lot to learn about handling a relationship, I was relieved to believe I didn't have to worry about breakups anymore. In 2011, on a night I took her to a special hotel to celebrate our 13-year anniversary, my now ex-wife told me she wanted a divorce. Rough night to say the least, and a shock to the deepest part of my sole. Naturally, I slowly turned from still being in love with my ex, to completely hating her for what she has done to me, the kids having to go through this, and hearing comments like "I was never in love with you".

Because we had two kids, I knew it was best to find a way to handle the situation in a way to hopefully minimize the damage to everyone. I made it my goal to handle things with a much class as I could, and try to keep control of the situation. In the end, I worked with my attorney and came up with an amicable (no one is happy, but both are willing to move on) divorce agreement, avoiding court hearings. She wanted to start her new relationship as fast as possible and I wanted the new problem in my life out of the house. I never called her an ugly name, but I simply resorted to only saying what needed to be said, saying it with respect, and ending all conversations as quickly as appropriate. I was devastated, but at least I got it done with as little drama as possible, and I was fairly proud of how I handled the situation. From announcement of her wanting a divorce, to her moving out, it only took a little over 4 months.

As she has with me over the past three years, I've kept the ex at arm’s length. We have remained professional when together in functions for the kids, and neither of us have had negative remarks about the other, with occasional kind conversations. However, I haven't gone to any extent to wish her a happy birthday, or holiday, which would have been nice, but that’s a choice I’m allowed to make. For the most part, she only knows me by my name on a check.

A few months back she had emergency surgery, so I took the kids to her hospital bed, since it was my night with them, and had flowers and a gift for her, from them. We had a nice conversation, but I let the kids spend time with her and her now husband while I stepped out for a cup of coffee. I think that moment was a turning point because a very surprising event just happened. Yesterday my son informed me that she has invited me over to have Thanksgiving with them this year, so I won’t be alone while they (the kids) are with her this Thanksgiving. Never in my wildest dream would I think she would be comfortable being around both her ex and her husband at the same time. I said I really appreciated it, but I already have plans to be at my brother's this Thanksgiving. I’m not sure I could do that anyway, and I'm not sure how that invite ever processed inside her head. Maybe it's a natural turn of events. Or, maybe she actually mastered the Jedi art of being nice to me. Who knows? But seeing she is the mother of my children, I'm glad this is one ex I have few regrets about how I acted with. I’m flattered by her act of kindness to me.

My recent breakup last March is another disappointing ending relationship in my life. I did my best with that one too by letting her go as nicely as I could, and walking away without looking back. I have little to no interest in hearing from her again, but I'm curious if my refusing to be a jerk about it will show itself in the future. Right now I don’t care if it doesn’t, but it has me curious. Regardless, I feel good I wasn’t a jerk.

I just got done with a break up and I wondered if I handled it terribly. I cried, he tried leaving, and I made him stay extra long while I said my piece. Told him that I loved him, and then... fell asleep on him. He waited for me to wake up and even though I told him he could stay over, he left. It was entirely too dramatic (and funny for my friends), but he wasn't a good communicator and this was our chance to be honest with each other. I really admire how you handled the situation, and I do hope you find someone that you wouldn't have to go through this with again.

Sounds like you handled your divorce with dignity- not easy, especially with kids involved. But what a gift to your children that you were able to do this. Congrats

Sorry to hear about yoru divorce but congratulate you for handling it with class, dignity and in the healing process looking at the situation with insightful reflection. Break-ups are never easy, divorce are devestating and the issue of kids is very delicate. No one wins and all you can do is try to cut your losses, reflect on your mistakes and move forward with an open mind.

I think you are on the right course. But in the journey remember, you are not alone. You are not the first nor the last. In addition, at least you have two great kids who are a part of your life.

When you walk away from a relationship with class it will not be forgotten. Nevertheless it is best to move on and never return to such troubles.

Good for you. I guess you learned something Re: that (neediness.. desperations etc.) Me too.

It takes our own 'control and self respect' to respectfully accept what is and walk away. Knowing whatever we may do/say. It may not help anything- but end in regrets.

Yes, it is very hard.... to say good bye to someone who meant so much to us.

tc