the ability to be who you once were

Just wanting opinions. I chronicled the end of a long relationship right here on ENA. I have had time to heal, and sadly, I have to say that I am not 100%. I say this because:

1. I still remember the person (I really wish I could totally forget)

2. I still miss his family and child and him at times

Luckily, I don't have any romantic feelings for him now. I guess it's more like nostalgia, or just wishing we could "catch up".....or maybe just knowing that we have no hard feelings....Anyway, just a question....

For those of you that have been through devastating break ups that took longer than you would like to admit to heal...were you ever able to really love again to the degree you did before? Did you have walls up (I do- big time)?

In some ways the changes in me are good. I am not the sweet, do anything for you girl I was. I don't wait by the phone so to speak. I don't get upset if plans don't work out. All that is good....But, at the same time, I don't feel that I can love a man like I once did. does this make sense to anybody?

Thanks guys

You will get back to the place where you can love again. It just takes a while...

I was in a long relationship, longer than it should have been anyway (8 years). So it was a few years before I was ready....but when I entered into this

new (5 yrs and counting) relationship, I was able to do so with an open heart.

I think you set some impossible goals by wanting to forget your ex completely. Of course there were good times and connections made through your relationship with him. But the stars are aligning for something better in the future... Don't be so hard on yourself. Relax and find love when you are ready to give love.

Thanks to you both. sadly, mhowe, it has been almost 3 years. We were together 3.5 years.... He was not good for me or to me, and I am better off.....much better off. All of this I realize, but I feel like everything ended badly, and I hate that. I know you shouldn't have frequent contact with exes, but we aren't allowed to speak per se. I know I have to get it all behind me and forget it.

I was just wondering. does that "giddy" feeling go away as we get older and have been knocked down a few pegs???

I never spoke to that ex again ---

That "giddy" feeling doesn't go away, after "love" has knocked us for a peg or two.

When I first started dating my current beau, I had the butterflies, and the "I can't wait to see him" feelings. And 5 years down the road, seeing his face still puts a smile on mine.

BTW --- I was single for more than 3 years. And it is precisely because it wasn't good to you/for you that it is taking longer. Because you lost your confidence and self esteem by being in that relationship.

thank you, mhowe. I am currently dating a good man who is good to me. I do care about him, but I feel that I have erected these huge walls. Although I am very close to healed, I know I am not completely all the way. He and I have discussed this. I didn't want to hide anything from him. I did lose a lot by being with my ex, for sure.....

My hope is that I can put the same energy into my present fellow that I once showed to the past one, who did not deserve it; while still maintaining the good changes. I made some torrential mistakes with the ex, such as "overtexting" or trying too hard to hold on to something that I knew wasn't the best for me. I will never walk those paths again. so, at least I learned

Gardnergirl, are you as passionate about the new guy? All around is he a better person than your ex? I went through a bad break up and I am embarrassed at this point as to how much time I wasted being miserable. And, my new partner is 100 times the man my ex was. I think you need a partner who is "better" than your ex. And you can define what "better" is. My ex was a complete loser compared to my new guy, so I found that helps healing.

The new guy basically washed all my issues away. Perhaps you are turning inwards with these problems because your new guy is similar to your old? Overtexting is not really an issue if there is mutual love. Your new guy should be really into you, and is he is not, he is not worth your time.

Gardnergirl, are you as passionate about the new guy? All around is he a better person than your ex? I went through a bad break up and I am embarrassed at this point as to how much time I wasted being miserable. And, my new partner is 100 times the man my ex was. I think you need a partner who is "better" than your ex. And you can define what "better" is. My ex was a complete loser compared to my new guy, so I found that helps healing.

 

The new guy basically washed all my issues away. Perhaps you are turning inwards with these problems because your new guy is similar to your old? Overtexting is not really an issue if there is mutual love. Your new guy should be really into you, and is he is not, he is not worth your time.

That's the thing, sadchick. The guy I am seeing now really cares about me, and he is 100 x the person the old ex was. I am not just saying that. The old ex was an alcoholic (he denied, but a weekend without alcohol and plenty of it was not a weekend to him). He wasn't the world's best father, boyfriend, etc. He was emotionally very cold.. Even he admitted this. He had been diagnosed early in life with social anxiety disorder. Still, I loved him.

I want to feel the same things for the guy I am seeing now because I can truly see a stable future with him. He is a good dad, no substance abuse issues, we share the same faith....etc....... I feel that I was so burned by the last one that I am terrified of going through that again. I cried every day for 6 months after that break up and felt so rejected and so alone. I am terrified to go there again. Yet, I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone, nor do I want to let the ex "win" so to speak. This new guy has already done more to show care for my son than the ex ever did, and he is kind hearted. compared to him, like you, my ex was a total loser. Why....why....can't I get over fear? I am a middle aged woman who works a FTJ and has a small business on the side. I do my own home repairs, I don't rely on government handouts or mooche off anybody. I guess what I am saying is.....I am always told I am strong.....this situation makes me doubt that....thanks to everyone for their words of advice. I am ready to defeat this in my life completely and move forward.

Just for background purposes, sadchick, I was with ex 3.5 years. We broke up, and 3 weeks later, the new one (a mooche, convicted felon, non custodial mother with no valid driver's license) moved in........from what I hear, the ex has tried to get rid of her with no luck.....Oh well........

I totally get it. And thanks for explaining. Was there a big enough gap between the two partners? You know I had the same issue. I was well raised, had great parents, great job etc., but for some reason I would allow myself to become attracted to losers, or they saw me, and hooked themselves into me before I could run.

I think you need to experience one really good guy. Im not trying to put down your new guy at all, but it seems to me like you are just going through the motions, or, like I said, you haven't had enough time to yourself, to be single and heal completely. Personally, when I met my super guy who is really into me, to the point I would never have to worry, I completely forgot about my ex and was ashamed for putting up with his garbage. I wouldn't care if the ex got hit by a truck- seriously! Not sure why I put up with it, but I did.

A woman attracts men according to her standard. Keep your standard high and you will only attract worthy men. Again, I am not saying that your new guy isn't all that, but, normally when a person starts dating someone new, they should seriously forget about their ex's. Unless this person is just filling a gap.

This is what I am afraid of. That I will never completely "get over" what happened to me. It makes me so angry ad sad. I do care about my current boyfriend, and for the first time in my life, I feel secure. I sure hope he isn't just filling a gap, because that would be an awful thing to do to an undeserving person. It has been almost 3 years since the "big bad break up" from a total loser. I am so tired of allowing myself to even remember it.

There must be something else. 3 years post break up, you should be healed especially if you are with someone better. But what is better here? Sounds like the ex was pretty low on the pole, so anyone would be an improvement. I have always found being excited about someone else basically cures me from the last break up. Are you sure you are passionate about the new guy?? Im over what happened to me. All I have to do is look in the mirror to point blame. I allowed my standard to sink to a ridiculously low level. If you keep your standard high, I promise you it will never happen again. Also, being happy takes a big effort when you have been broken down. Its easy to slide into being miserable everyday, its easier than change. Its like putting on an old sweater. Its what you are used to. Don't let someone rob you of being your happy self.

Some people do not heal from the past relationship by getting in a new one.

A dysfunctional relationship and its aftermath makes one examine a lot of "internal tapes" as to how it happened, why it happened and why we allowed it to continue.

OP --- you might just be stuck on a issue ---- like forgiving yourself.

You might try a small bit of counseling to get you over the impasse.

Some people do not heal from the past relationship by getting in a new one.

 

No, but time and a great relationship should heal a person.

No, but time and a great relationship should heal a person.

"Should" has no place here.

OP is saying 3 years and a new guy has NOT healed her. And that is likely due to fear/unwillingness to forgive herself.

"Should" has no place here.

Easy! "Should" means most people would have felt better 3 years later. Time heals even death and horrendous experiences. What Im getting at is either its something else, or as nice as this guy is, he is not fulfilling her in the relationship department. I can only speak of my own experience, but having a relationship with someone who is better than her ex and puts her worries at ease will do wonders for her healing.

Ladies, I so appreciate the advice because I am trying so hard to figure this out too.

Healed- I am at 95% I will say. I laugh again. I don't cry all the time. I am not miserable. Still, I realize that I am not as kind and as loving as I should be and that I have erected walls.

New guy- I enjoy being around him. I feel secure. Still, a little fear creeps in that I will have to go through it all over again. Even down to a bit of fear about being close to his kids because I was close to ex's son, and am now not even allowed to speak to him.

old guy- horrible choice, knew it from the get go, but for some reason that I don't understand, I stayed with him an loved him. More than I ever had anyone else before, sad to say, even my ex husband I believe.

I think this is what is hardest for me- and let me just say- it's not logical. I am the type of person that always wants to "end on a good note", and me and ex did not. There was sufficient drama. We tried to be friends per se, but his new gal was insanely jealous of me (only god knows why because he did a lot more for her than he ever did for me- but I guess it's the whole ex thing), and I know deep down that being "friends" really isn't possible. I guess I just wish that I didn't feel like we were complete enemies, because I never like that with anyone (I am a bit of a people pleaser). And yes, I wonder why my standard was so low that I put up with his crap for so long, and even worse........why miss someone like that at all. Other than that, I half way have my head on straight and my act together.

Even my new feller said...."gardner, quit fighting me" I have at least been upfront with him. I know that if this relationship doesn't work out, I am going to hang it up for a long while, thus, in some ways, letting my ex win a game that he doesn't even know he's playing in......

Then get therapy.....because sometimes talking with a trained professional allows to to face the "crux" of the matter in a safe environment.

And once you have uncovered that piece, and shine the light of truth on it ---- you can put it to rest.

Wanting to "end on a good note" is an admirable desire. It sounds like you are a smoother, someone who likes to keep the peace. But, not a good idea for this guy because: (a) it is impossible, and (b) he doesn't deserve it.

Just thinking out loud here, but I think you should only blame yourself if you continue to let this person/and experiences with this person continue to control you happiness. Otherwise, write him off as a loser, who doesn't deserve another thought. You will never be able to maintain peace, so forget about it, its out of your control. And, maybe you should try to imagine yourself as single and ok with it. You have a lot of fear of relationships potentially failing, so why not learn to be happy alone? Then whatever happens, happens. Keeping the peace with an evil person doesn't allow you to "get it out." Maybe get angry once an for all and move on.

I like the therapist idea, but my therapist for my break up with a user/cheater/narcissist told me I should try to do more, like bring him dinner to his construction site. She had it all wrong. Pick a good one if you go that route.

Yes, I am a people pleaser, and yes, he really is so not worth any of the effort I have spent. I thought we were going to get married (why did I want to?????). You are right about therapy. I keep myself so busy with two jobs and a son, but it is a good idea. It 's a shame to have to go to therapy because of a loser lol.....

I used therapy to deal with the grief over my mothers death...there is no shame in acknowledging you need help.

I see what you are saying Mhowe and agree. I can understand wanting help to grieve one's mother, a person worthy of grief.....this guy isn't worthy of another thought from my head.....but somehow, I am just not who I was. I wish I could get my old, happy self back, but although I see glimpses of her now and then, this situation sadly changed my life. I hate that. I hate that I am letting a pathetic loser affect me. I know I am the only one that can change it, and I am not against getting help....Just sad that I am not strong enough to do this on my own, in light of the fact that this person deserves no sadness. I should be thrilled! just weird I guess...

>> cried every day for 6 months after that break up and felt so rejected and so alone. I am terrified to go there again.

OK, this sounds like it tapped into some abandonment fears that have nothing to do with the person who left you, but more about your personality and perhaps events in your childhood that led you to be terrified of being abandoned.

the thing is life is about change, and we all need to learn to be resilient and roll with it. And some people are naturally more resilient than others in their personality. Some people LOVE change and seek excitement and constant change in order to feel happy and alive, and other people are terrified of change and dealing with things on their own and place their sense of security in another person rather than themselves and experience a truly existential angst when 'abandoned' by their love object who they perceive as necessary for stability and their survival.

Babies with scream and cry like their world is coming to an end when Momma even leaves the room, because they are indeed totally helpless and dependent on their Momma. But we can and should mature out of that phase and become more independent and able to put our center of self inside ourselves rather than inside another person. You had the exact same reaction to 'abandonment' by your BF that a child might have when they feel they've lost their mother, so your emotions were childlike even though you intellectually may be an adult.

So you need to work on the fact that after 3 years, this isn't about your ex but about your reaction to perceived abandonment. It just FEELS like you won't survive and life can't go on without him, in the same manner a child feels when Momma leaves the room and 'abandons' them. So this is an abandonment/trauma issue where you have latched onto your ex to represent an almost godlike/parentlike figure in your head where you NEEDED him for your emotional survival when as you have learned, you truly didn't. And like a child, you subliminally have the feeling that only YOUR Mommy will do and nobody else but your Mommy because you apparently identified your ex as the center of your world.

So what you need to work on here is an understanding of what adult resilience is about. You need to not focus on the idea of your ex, but on the idea that change is inevitable in life, and you can rue change and fear it and try to avoid it, or instead work on being resilient and accepting that absolutely nothing in life is guaranteed to be permanent so you need to learn to adapt and live your life with joy in the midst of uncertainty. You could find what you thought was the perfect man tomorrow, and he could get hit by a truck or get a serious illness and die. So what you are looking for here is a FALSE reassurance that nothing bad will ever happen to you again and Mommy will never ever leave the room again and your BF must be a magical immortal creature and never leave you. Those just aren't realistic expectations, so you need to work on accepting that your ex left and no, you didn't die from him leaving, BUT you have caused yourself a whole lot of extra pain and trauma by hanging onto the unrealistic expectations that life should never change, nobody should or would ever leave, nothing will ever hurt you again etc etc.

Life can be about incredible joy, but it is also about pain and loss sometimes because it is about change. And sometimes change brings positive things (the new BF) and sometimes it brings pain when we are forced to let go of things we didn't want to let go.

so all that is a long way of saying the problem here is lack of resilience, and it is a skill to be cultivated because resilient people are the happiest people because they don't expect the world to stop and freeze just because they want it that way, and if confronted with change, they just adapt to that change with confidence, grieve for a little while, then dust themselves off and go and ride the waves of change and make their own happiness.

So if you are still obsessing about the ex after 3 years you need some therapy to deal with how to let go. And also the understanding that there WILL be pain in life, just like there WILL be joy and you can't expect to just have joy and never have any pain while living your life, so your best bet is to learn how to be resilient and not blow any pain you might feel into an existential tragedy when it is really a normal part of life and you need to learn to manage it.

So i don't care how 'busy' you are, it is time you learn to be resilient and adapt to change. So call a therapist before you new BF starts to feel like he is second best to the ex when the real issue is you have abandonment fears and some child like emotional expectations in terms of never ever wanting to deal with change, loss, or pain.

Then get therapy.....because sometimes talking with a trained professional allows to to face the "crux" of the matter in a safe environment.

 

And once you have uncovered that piece, and shine the light of truth on it ---- you can put it to rest.

I couldn't agree more.

I am a strong believer in not thinking "the next relationship will heal me." It's like having a broken arm and saying, well my next boyfriend will help it heal. There are other factors to consider. The doctor (in your case a therapist) can help you get through some of the initial pain. And a bf or even a gf or a family can be helpful while you do heal (maybe pick up some things around the house for you). BUT ultimately, you are the one who has to heal yourself. If you aren't healing yourself after a while, maybe you go back to the doctor to see if maybe there is an underlying issue going on that is hindering your healing.

Relationships can and do end. Life is about resilience because change is a guarantee. If you are waiting for someone to heal you (which I know you aren't) then what happens to you if that person leaves too? Strength comes from your core. Literally. It starts inside you and it's a decision (conscious and subconscious) to move forward with your head clear and your heart open.

So yes after three years therapy is vital. You need to get out of the mindset that "he's not worth therapy" and think "I am worth therapy." See how a change in thinking changes everything?

I see what you are saying Mhowe and agree. I can understand wanting help to grieve one's mother, a person worthy of grief.....this guy isn't worthy of another thought from my head.....but somehow, I am just not who I was. I wish I could get my old, happy self back, but although I see glimpses of her now and then, this situation sadly changed my life. I hate that. I hate that I am letting a pathetic loser affect me. I know I am the only one that can change it, and I am not against getting help....Just sad that I am not strong enough to do this on my own, in light of the fact that this person deserves no sadness. I should be thrilled! just weird I guess...

 

It doesn't matter if he isn't worthy of grief ---- it is the letting go of hope, of expectations of the future, of the love you shared. Him not being worthy didn't make

you love him less. And it doesn't make you weak to seek help.

 

You have a lot of negative tracks running in your head. Think of a therapist as a CD cleanser. After a session or two, the CD will stop skipping back to the same

place.

You ladies are the bomb and I know you are right. I will seek help....it is time to get my life back. 3 years is about 2 and 3/4 years too long.....It's funny because people see me as resilient, but that is where other issues are concerned. I do have a hard time with loss and rejection, so I need to work on that....