She cant get a checking account.....

Wow its been a while since i posted on here.....

So i've been dating a girl for a year and a half now, she's a mom which was someone i never thought id ever date but made an exception because she seemed different from most single moms i've met. Well i wont lie things were rough from the beginning especially because there was a patch there where she was very weird and secretive with her phone and facebook etc., well that stuff subsided after many battles and a while. Along with that though , she's lost 3 jobs one of which was immediately after the company offered her the job only to find out that the previous job she got fired from fired her for "misconduct" (whatever that means), so they claimed she lied on her application and took back the offer. To me losing 3 jobs in a year is not just a coincidence and i also found out to add to all of this that she's banned from having a checking account for 10 years which happened in her early 20s apparently. Honestly its just been one weird secret after another with this girl and on top of it, her soon to be 7 yr old can;t sleep alone, so most nights when he's not with his dad she basically ends up not sleeping in the same bed with me the majority of the time, which in my opinion takes away from intimacy in a relationship (not just referring to sex). truth be told i'm a now 34 yr old man, i've been told i'm "good looking, don't look my age, and dress awesome" i have a great job and car , never been married , never had kids, But frankly i do not want to go through another break up and/or be in the dating world again, and after this relationship i'm not going to want to date another woman with a kid , which then makes my dating pool smaller in my age group. My gut is telling me something isn't right has been for a while now and i want to walk away but truth is i do love her and I think sometimes , what if she changes and gets better then some other dude will get that or what if things will get better and i'm just being impatient, its driving me crazy and i know i ultimately have to make the choice but any advice would really be amazing.... thanks in advance...

She got fired for misconduct....which means theft or inappropriate behavior.

She can't have a checking account....likely fraud or continually overdrafts.

She has a seven year old child sleeping in a bed with you and her.

Cripes....she is a walking mess. Run to the nearest exit.

Well, the no chequing account ban is because of a bankruptcy or something off...not because she's a single mom.

And the sleeping with the kid thing...is weird. I let my daughter sleep with me when she's sick. The rest of the time...she's in her own bed.

Honestly, she just sounds kind of white trash.

Breaking up sucks. But...so does this weird relationship....so I guess pick your poison...however, when you do start dating again...have higher standards, and dump those with red flags.

Being a single parent doesn't mean they'll have more red flags than a non-parent. But if you don't want to date someone with a child from a prior relationship...don't.

he doesn't sleep in bed with "US" , i told her a long time ago that was highly inappropriate, but you're right, do you think such person (at 30 years old) could change such a string of constant bad decisions?

She got fired for misconduct....which means theft or inappropriate behavior.

She can't have a checking account....likely fraud or continually overdrafts.

She has a seven year old child sleeping in a bed with you and her.

 

Cripes....she is a walking mess. Run to the nearest exit.

No, I don't. Whether the bank this is fraud or bankruptcy, the fired from 3 jobs in a year on top of it all is the glaring fact that this woman is a walking mess.

he doesn't sleep in bed with "US" , i told her a long time ago that was highly inappropriate, but you're right, do you think such person (at 30 years old) could change such a string of constant bad decisions?

Everything is possible in this life, but that is highly unlikely.

I doubt some magical light will come down on her forehead and she'll say... "Ah ha! I am going to change my ways"

It doesn't work like that, expect this kind of stuff for the rest of her life

Well i didn't say the checking account thing has anything to do with her being a single mom....no was i implying it, hopefully it doesn't seem that way, but... that was very sound advice thank you

Well, the no chequing account ban is because of a bankruptcy or something off...not because she's a single mom.

 

And the sleeping with the kid thing...is weird. I let my daughter sleep with me when she's sick. The rest of the time...she's in her own bed.

 

Honestly, she just sounds kind of white trash.

 

Breaking up sucks. But...so does this weird relationship....so I guess pick your poison...however, when you do start dating again...have higher standards, and dump those with red flags.

 

Being a single parent doesn't mean they'll have more red flags than a non-parent. But if you don't want to date someone with a child from a prior relationship...don't.

i think you're right....

Everything is possible in this life, but that is highly unlikely.

 

I doubt some magical light will come down on her forehead and she'll say... "Ah ha! I am going to change my ways"

 

It doesn't work like that, expect this kind of stuff for the rest of her life

Well i didn't say the checking account thing has anything to do with her being a single mom....no was i implying it, hopefully it doesn't seem that way, but... that was very sound advice thank you

Fair enough I just saw all the single mom stuff in there...and I know some people see single parents as a walking financial mess...and I get a bit annoyed with it

 

This lady really does have issues though.

 

Why have you stayed so long, when you've seen so many things that are off?

 

and seriously, who picks sleeping with their kid over an SO?? She has a dysfunctional relationship with her son...she's not someone you want to mother your future children.

Please do not share a bed with a 7 year old (especially a girl!) when you are not her father. Sends all sorts of wrong and confusing messages to her. Please don't do sleepovers when she is around. This woman seems to be nothing but trouble and if you're not careful you'll be dragged into it. I would look elsewhere an of course you don't want the little girl feeling attached to you in such a precarious situation.

Truth be told Faraday, i have no clue, i met her a year after my ex of 5.5 years broke up with me so maybe i was in a vulnerable place or like i said, i think its just the fear of not finding someone else coupled with the fact that i have a really horrible case of "captain save a hoe" , and let me not forget to mention i do love her but i know i'm not in love with her, so yeah to answer your question not sure, my friends have been telling me i could do better since the beginning, but i just ignored it , along with the red flags obviously...

Fair enough I just saw all the single mom stuff in there...and I know some people see single parents as a walking financial mess...and I get a bit annoyed with it

 

This lady really does have issues though.

 

Why have you stayed so long, when you've seen so many things that are off?

 

and seriously, who picks sleeping with their kid over an SO?? She has a dysfunctional relationship with her son...she's not someone you want to mother your future children.

EVERYONE PLEASE NOTE , THE KID DOES NOT SLEEP IN THE SAME BED WITH US, THE MOM SLEEPS WITH THE CHILD IN HIS ROOM

to let you know Batya, its a little boy not a girl

Please do not share a bed with a 7 year old (especially a girl!) when you are not her father. Sends all sorts of wrong and confusing messages to her. Please don't do sleepovers when she is around. This woman seems to be nothing but trouble and if you're not careful you'll be dragged into it. I would look elsewhere an of course you don't want the little girl feeling attached to you in such a precarious situation.

I knew that's what you were saying when you were saying "she ends up not sleeping in the same bed as (you)"...so no worries I think it was said as more of a precaution.

Right on, just don't want people posting that too much and start a barage of people repeating it, it was like that in the beginning but i out a stop to it right away telling her i thought it felt highly inappropiate as im not the kids father

I knew that's what you were saying when you were saying "she ends up not sleeping in the same bed as (you)"...so no worries I think it was said as more of a precaution.

what if she changes

What if she doesn't? And let's face it, most people don't change, not much.

The bank thing can be as simple as an overdraft on a previous account that was subsequently closed. Even if paid back and everything squared away with the bank, even if it was something like $20.00, it can effectively stop people from being able to open another account for years. That's a little known fact that's becoming slowly better known. There are literally millions of people who are currently affected by this in the US. So, I wouldn't get too judgmental about that or jump to too many conclusion. It can happen to anyone living paycheck to paycheck.

As for the employment thing, that's a big red flag. The situation with the child....just unhealthy and there is no other way to put that.

There is simply no reason for you deal with this and try to make things work with this girl. None. Your fears are somewhat unfounded. At 34 you are a highly eligible bachelor for so many professional women in their late 20's early 30's who are just now looking to settle down and have a family. There is no reason for you to settle for someone with so many serious issues. Aim higher.

Well said.... if she doesn't i continue to be unhappy..

What if she doesn't? And let's face it, most people don't change, not much.

Wow can we say "boom!"? well put , thank you very much ! when you say unfounded (that my fears are) can you elaborate more?

I think you should not be spending the night while the child is home unless you are engaged to her or married - but especially not the "getting to know you" stage. This woman sounds like a train wreck and I can see how the not sleeping in bed with you is just the "one more thing" that might break the camel's back for you. This woman definitely doesn't have her act together any way you slice it.

well we've been together a year and a half so we're passed that getting to know you stage however, i also feel i know nothing about her after all that time so theres that , but you are right she doesn't have her life straight i've known that for a while and just ignored it

I think you should not be spending the night while the child is home unless you are engaged to her or married - but especially not the "getting to know you" stage. This woman sounds like a train wreck and I can see how the not sleeping in bed with you is just the "one more thing" that might break the camel's back for you. This woman definitely doesn't have her act together any way you slice it.

Nobody gets banned from having a checking account except perhaps at a particular bank where she has bounced too many checks, and she can always find another bank. I think more likely she doesn't have a checking account because she has some major outstanding debt owed to either the IRS or some other kind of judgement where they will garnish any money that enters a check account tied to her name and social security number so she is hiding her identity and location and money trying to protect it from that.

I suspect there is a LOT more wrong with this woman and a back story you know nothing about. You could awaken one day to your bank accounts being emptied and your identity and credit cards stolen if she's garnering that info while sleeping in your house.

I suspect she may have some kind of a major conviction on her record (drug dealer? addict? embezzlement? theft?) that explains both her unwillingness to be 'traceable' in a bank account and the loss of jobs and the way she lives.

Run away from this woman as fast as you can before you're her next victim.

Wow can we say "boom!"? well put , thank you very much ! when you say unfounded (that my fears are) can you elaborate more?

I mean there are soooo many women out there who chose to go to college, graduate, follow their career, pay off their loans, get settled and now they are in their late 20's/early 30's and they are grown up, sane, educated, employed, self sustaining and ready to be a good wife and mom and looking for the right man for that. Even more women who graduated and went on to grad school, so now that they are out and maybe have worked a year or two, they are finally ready to focus on family and relationships. Before then, they were more focused on education and career.

So when you said that you are afraid to end things with this wreck of a girl just because you feel that at 34 your options are limited, I'm saying that you are really off in your evaluation of what your options are. You are in a prime market for educated, employed, professional women who want what you want - a healthy relationship, a family, etc. Look for women who are more on the level with you rather than so far beneath you with so many added strange issues.

i dont think shell go as far as stealing my money , however your advice was very sound, thank you

by the way a lawyer mentioned embezzlement, so thats a weird coincidence

you are absolutely right, reading that filled me with some confidence i needed , i really appreciate it..