Did I do the right thing?

So to keep this short, my girlfriend of 4 years (2.5 live-in) broke up with me back on 8/1. Nothuing catastrophic ie. cheating, abuse, etc.. Things just gradually fell apart and she pulled the trigger with the this just isn't working anymore speech.

After a few weeks we decided to begin dating again to see where things went.

We spoke very openly about the demise of our old relationship, each accepting the blame for our parts in it falling apart. We agreed that there was no picking up where we left off but to take things slow and start anew. As she was the "dumper" so to speak I allowed her to do most of the contacting so as not to be pushy and things were going along nicely with the exception of her seeming to run very hot and cold. She was very affectionate, complimented me, etc. showing all the good signs with the exception of her seeming to be very reserved. I just sat back and took it all in figuring maybe she was just a bit more apprehensive than I was about this going anywhere between us. But as time went on my gut began telling me there was more to this. Specifically there being another guy in the picture.

Well, it turns out my gut was right. There IS another guy she's been talking to and apparently has been for some time. Possibly and probably beginning before we broke up as they are childhood friends. He is in Texas though (for the time being anyway) and we are in Jersey so I guess that explains keeping me around and B.S, ing me this whole time. She has kept it a sceret and when I asked outright stuck with the we are just friends story but i found out through other channelsthat she has been lying to me and she is in fact having a long distance relationship with him.

Well anyhow, I simply told her how I feel about her, and I wished her the best in her pursuit of happiness with her new love interest. I explained to her that I didn't really appreciate her lying to me but that's water under the bridge.. I told her that I cannot manage "sharing" her with anyone else due to my love for her and the fact that I seem to have considerably more interest in rekindling our relationship than she does, so we needed to stop seeing each other.. I also told her that I do still love her with all of my heart and if the grass turns out to not be greener as she expects to give me a call and at that point we can see where we both are in our lives and then decide whether or not to get together at all. As she did not answer my call yesterday I E-Mailed her. I have gotten no response which in my personal opinion means she either does not care or is relieved.

So my issue is did I do the right thing? I feel I need to walk away for my own sanity. The frustration and wondering was killing me. BUT, I do still love her and want her back. Should I have stuck around to fight for that??

I just don't know and would really appreciate any insight right now. Thank you all.

You did the right thing. She isn't answering because you found her out and she isn't willing to give him up.

Good for you for not settling for breadcrumbs.

Thank you... Not gonna lie though it was probably the hardest thing I've ever done.

I do still love her dearly. Although I WILL stick to my guns because I simply wil not "share" anyone I won't b.s. Myself or anyone else and say that I don't hope to hear from her.

I understand.. that IS painful!

But yes, backing away now is best. And Nomore contact is necessary. YOu said you're done. good.

This will all take time to accept & heal. don't expect it to be gone in a month.

Take care of you now.

One day at a time.

Knowing my situation AND how I truly feel about her can I ask how I should handle things if she contacts me at some point??

I still hold out hope but not expectations that she and I will rekindle, for now at least.

Once my head is clear however many months down the road I'm sure I'll be able to trust my instincts but if she contacts me for anything in the next few weeks I'll be a bumbling fool tripping over myself I'm sure.

Any advice? Do I not respond? If I do then how?

Then if she contacts you in the next few weeks...don't respond until you are emotionally centered.

Thankyou... For whatever reason although this is far from my first girlfriend or breakup I seem to be a real fool for her.

Breakups are always difficult but this is the first time I haven't been able to adopt the if it didn't work then it obviously wasn't meant to be mentality and just walk away without looking back.

I keep falling all over myself like I'm a teenager this time.

Although I have to say the not having the decency to respond to me in any way was sort of a gut shot.

It did cause me to lose some respect for her and what I thought was her maturity level.

If this is done now and she does contact you for anything.. it's most likely 'breadcrumbs'. Little nothings...

Often, they may do this as they. themselves work on moving on and are using you as a crutch. So don't give into it.

Unless or until someday she may end up turning around and saying she does want to work things out.. the rest is nothing.

And most likely, if or when that day comes, you'd have begun to move on yourself and NOT want to deal with her any more.

Tricky stuff.. just remember you need to take care of you now. It all takes time.

Thankyou. I know what you said is a definite possibility as even before I had concrete proof of the new guy I had pretty much convinced myself he existed and she was lying to me.

Now that I know for sure I'm already rolling around thoughts of if she ever does want to try again would I ever be able to trust her after all this.

I'm just at a stage right now where I know I'm VERY weak wherever she is concerned.

Ever since the breakup I've been trying to redirect my attention to my career, working out, eating better, etc. (dropped 20 pounds actually in all the right places which is nice) but no matter what I do I can't seem to get my head right and completely walk away from her yet.

I don't believe in rebounding for myself because I personally don't think it's fair to that person to be used as simply a distraction for my pain (and I do have that opportunity before me right now, but that's a whole other discussion) but I don't know what else to do to make my "one day at a time" go a little smoother.

Any suggestions?

I seem to be a real fool for her.

This is what concerns me... that she has sensed this in you and has used it for her own selfish reasons.

Good for you for not allowing yourself to be someone's doormat! You definitely did the right thing.

Thank you. Knowing I did the right thing was my biggest concern as like I said for right now anyway I do still harbor hope she will come back to me.

Can I ask what you mean by selfish reasons? She should be getting everything she needs from her new boyfriend, no?

Because he is in Texas.

Ohh sorry for my ignorance. As I said I'm definitely not thinking clearly.

I'm guessing that I was the full-in for the nights out, kissing, handholding, etc? While her heart and emotions are in Texas.

Well wow, so on top of being lied to probably emotionally cheated on before the breakup I've been used and played like a SUCKER! My head is beginning to focus but I don't like it because it's drifting toward anger and distaste for her now. Talk about being a blind fool!!!!!!!

I think you did the right thing for sure. I think she's kept you hooked because the new bf is long-distance. Until they work that out. And then you'd be dropped like a hot potato.

Thank you.... He is in the army and will be for quite some time yet until his tour is done. He will be back for visits on leave obviously so I guess in between I was intended to fill her voids.

It's really disheartening to be honest how someone I would've been willing to die for has become someone I barely recognize if that's what she was doing.

I think what is even more disheartening for me were all of the I love you's and her telling me that she really wanted to make a go of starting over with me.. Then pulling out of my driveway to spend hours on end talking to him on the phone for example.

It's a really tough pill to swallow knowing I was made a complete a** of.

I know a lot of you have been helping people on here a lot and have heard and helped in many situations.

From experience are there any thoughts on how this may play out?

I feel like if I can prepare myself mentally for a few different scenarios I won't fly into a panic so to speak and do something stupid to set myself back to square one.

I'm sure it's not but it just seems like such a unique situation I'm in. Probably because of the whole LDR aspect. I've never dealt with anything like this.

Keep that anger and distaste towards her and don't ever let her back in. Like you said, you were weak where she's concerned so it's important that you don't at any later stage let her 'play' you again due to weakness. You know now how she lied to you and cheated on you. I guess intellectually you realize that you don't like her character any more but make sure that emotionally you don't waver. You're vulnerable right now and she's likely at any time reach out to you for her own selfish reasons but having any involvement with her would be the worst thing for you. She doesn't have your interests at heart so you need to be the one to look after them.

Thankyou for your reply... You're right on all accounts. Logically speaking I am beginning to see a very selfish side of her I never knew existed in that I'm shocked by how she could hurt me the way she has and not give a damn enough to even respond to me yesterday. Granted I played a part in our relationship falling apart.. but nothing to deserve to be treated like this.

I'm trying to do exactly that. Focus on my distaste and anger toward her not to mention the feeling of never being able to trust her again.

But, I am definitely weak and vulnerable as you said. I do for some reason still love her dearly and I honestly right now don't even know why.

I need to find a way for my brain to overpower my heart and emotions because although I seriously doubt she will contact me being wrapped up in her new relationship if she does it's going to be very difficult to not respond to her right now.

WOW!!!! Bad day today. Was feeling so much stronger the last couple days but today I can't get her out of my mind.

Mostly anger though for the first time.

Is this the norm or am I letting her regain control of my emotions again?????

Anger is the next phase. Push through...the next one is acceptance.

If you don't mind me asking you your opinion??

It seems awfully quick that I would get to any "next phase" in such a short time so I'm really worried about spiraling backward or at the very least being all over the place again.

I know that's a weird question but I feel like I have ZERO control over my emotions and thoughts of her right now. It sometimes worries me "ok, so how bad is tomorrow going to be?"... Does that make any sense?

Oh...it is not linear. You will cycle back into denial, bargaining, anger a few times. But the stay is shorter.

Ok well then I suppose any move is progress of some sort as miserable as it is... Thank you!!