In need of some serious help :(

Hello all,

My name is jake and I've been having some serious issues with my relationship. I am new here and do not know if this is the right spot to be in so I apologize in advance.

To get started I am a 21 year old college student who recently relocated 2 hours from home and my relationship. Although I tried very hard to make the relationship work by coming home every weekend, it ultimately did not. There are so many factors in this that I simply cannot wrap my head around everything. I have spoken to literally all of my friends who all give different advice.

Heres the story:

My girlfriend and I have been dating pretty solidly for the last year and a half. The last two moths that I have been gone at school have been pretty hard for me but she has been very strong as she does not often let her feelings show. Over the summer my mother was dealing with breast cancer and is thankfully all better now. My grandfather also lived with us at this time while he was on hospice. unfortunately he passed away about 3 weeks ago. Long story short I did not let these life events effect our relationship. I stayed extremely positive and strong although I did look to her for comfort.

About a month ago her mother was diagnosed with breast cancer as well (I know right? what are the odds?) She did not take this very lightly and it seriously shook her up. Although at this point I had much experience and insight to provide, she was still very upset. It was about this time that I had "overwhelmed her" after we had got in a fight caused by my insecurities of being away at school. She asked for space and we did not talk much for 3 or 4 days. Finally she caved and was having a bad day and I comforted her. Things were back to normal for the last three weeks for the most part. I had realized that she was so overwhelmed in life from her mother, work, and school starting up so I backed off. I was not getting what I needed and I was trying my best to be strong. She wasn't making the effort to ever come see me when she had the chance (Mainly for wanting to be with her mom which is fine) and definitely wasn't interested in any form of sex. I did my best to stay strong for her and help her through each and everyday however there came a point about a week ago when I once again "overwhelmed her". We got in an argument because i had a severe anxiety attack in response to her telling me about her serious depression. This was another stupid fight however I think it was the straw that broke the camels back. The next day i had come into town and we were supposed to spend the entire day together however she kept me waiting at a Starbucks for about 6 hours. This is highly unlike her. Eventually we met up and I could tell something was off. I took her to coffee and to play Wallball at a park (I know like we're 10 years old) I told her we could just have fun or talk if she wanted. I was very positive. She even kissed me and told me she loved me. Eventually we sat down and started talking and this is were things went south.

She told me that she "Just couldn't do this right now" I stayed strong and said I understood, She also said that she felt like she was letting me down. It was at this point that I remained very strong and told her that I understood but I was willing to stick it out and be here for her while she got better. She said she was in the lowest place she's ever been in her life and woke up every morning feeling like she didn't want to get out of bed. I know that this is true because she was often acting like seeing me was becoming a burden, and maybe it was. She also told me that she did not want to feel pressured to get better and did not know how long she would feel like this. I told her I was just trying to encourage her healing and was trying to be supportive. She continued by saying I can't and that it was to fair for me to be strung along because she knew I was not getting what I needed. I really wasn't but I was not willing to give up on her because I have been depressed and I know what its like. She told me it made her sick to know I worried about her when I was away.

We continued to my car and I drove her home. She sat in my car for another 30 minutes. It was at this point that I became frustrated, angry and even very emotional. She told me she was:

-so sorry

-it wasn't me it was something within her she had to fix

-she would always be here for me

-she had the best time of her life with me

-I had done nothing but be supportive and helpful

It was at this point she had left. This was last Sunday, one week ago.

Monday morning I received a huge text that said

-she hated herself for hurting me

-she couldn't sleep

-she aspired to be like me

-shes never met anyone like me and never will

-She just wants me to enjoy my college experience and not worry about her depression

HERES THE KICKER: She also said she held it in her heart that things would work out and that was the only thing helping her through this depression

That has my head seriously messed up.

I didn't reply until Wednesday, I figured that it wouldn't do any good to et her think I hated her (something she said she thought in the text) So all I said was "I understand what you're going through and I'm here if you ever need to talk" I was seriously hoping that at this point she realized she had made a mistake as I was one of her main support systems. all she said was "Thank you, that means a lot to me." and that was it. Since Wednesday we have not talked at all. Both of us have yet to post anything on any social networking sites this week. Her best friend and her went to dinner and shopping according to her friends twitter. Im hoping this is good as this will make her feel better, I am trying not to look at it as her trying to move on.

Heres where I need serious advice. Please help me.

I love this girl very much. I know I am young and that she would probably never be interested in marriage. At least for a few years. More than selfish love I really do care about her as a person she is my best friend. I have had so much advice from so many friends but I don't know what the best course of action is. Here are my questions:

-Was she just letting me down easy by saying things like "Its me not you"?

-Why hasn't she talked to me? We talk all day everyday and haven't talked in a week really!

-Is she moving on?

-Do I continue No Contact? I miss her dearly and am very concerned

-How long do I wait without receiving any contact from her before I call it a total loss and move on?

Any help is greatly appreciated. This is so hard for me because i feel like we primarily broke up due to her hurting rather than because of the relationship. I have made some realizations this week about everything and have started to think that we do have a chance and that i should just let her miss me because I really was there for her so much. She is very strong willed but I do not know how to get her back since this isn't a typical break up situation. I really hope she comes back to me but everyday that goes by without word I feel more and more pessimistic. I'll be home for winter break in 7 weeks and am probably transferring to college back home anyway (due to other reasons) in the Spring. Should I wait until then?

Everyday gets harder and harder not talking to her but I have made the mistake in the past of groveling and begging for someone back. I do not want to do that again.

Should I be posting things on social networks so she misses me? I have been dead silent and Im hoping thats got her wondering.

Thank you,

Jake

I know this is totally against the No Contact rule but all I want to do is call her and ask if its really over.

It's really over. Spare yourself the pain of hearing that put bluntly.

Yes, it was her way of letting you down easily by saying its her and not you.

No matter how hard it all is. best to go No contact so YOU can work on accepting & healing now.

Any further contact is only going to keep you back and hurting more.

If she's severely depressed, going shopping and having dinner with her friend is not going to make her feel better. I'm dealing with my own severe depression and I hate being around people...even my close friends.

The last text you sent to her was good, but you should leave it at that and not contact her. Let her sort out her problems and if she wants to come back, she will let you know. BUT....do NOT count on her coming back. You have to take this as it's over and she's not coming back.

If you are going to post on social media, post about whatever you usually post (sports, school, etc). Do not go out of your way to try to present your life as super great, and you're this fantastic guy who's now single....and do not post anything sad that hints that there are romantic problems and that you miss her.

I know it's hard, we've all been there. No contact is the way to go.

Thanks for reading the whole thing! I think you're probably right. I've been asking a lot if my close friends that know her for advice too and they say the same thing. Even one of her best friends, a mutual friend of ours, doesn't think it's over because she hasn't even told her yet. Each day that goes by makes me think it's farther and farther gone. I know it's counter intuitive but all I want to do is stop that.

Thanks for reading the whole thing! I think you're probably right. I've been asking a lot if my close friends that know her for advice too and they say the same thing. Even one of her best friends, a mutual friend of ours, doesn't think it's over because she hasn't even told her yet. Each day that goes by makes me think it's farther and farther gone. I know it's counter intuitive but all I want to do is stop that.

Don't contact her. If you make that mistake you'll only find each response less kind and more insistent that you move on. Better to just grab your best dignity and do that.

Head high.

Don't contact her. If you make that mistake you'll only find each response less kind and more insistent that you move on. Better to just grab your best dignity and do that.

 

Head high.

That's what I'm fearful of. Does anybody have any advice as to what's going on with her?

She has been pretty much dead silent on everything this last week then just started tweeting a lot about stuff she normally would before all of this. Is she trying to move on?

I have decided that I'm going to enjoy myself this week while I'm away at college and try to focus 100% on myself. I'm going to remain Nc until next weekend at which point I might try to contact her. If at two weeks in she doesn't want anything to do with me then I'm going to finally start moving on.

If I do contact her this weekend while I'm in town it is going to be very light and about nothing regarding"us" more so about a ton of stuff that I would like to give back (clothes, straighteners, electronics). I plan on going from there.

That's a tough situation, because you care for her and want to comfort her through a difficult time. But it's also at the expense of your feelings. I think that if you contact her right now , due to the silence she's been giving you, you're going to get a response from her that you don't want to hear and that is going to throw you both into a big painful spiral. I've been there, it's messy. Give her time, as much as it sucks. Go about your life trying not to think about her until you have to see her when you come home. Maybe dealing with this face-to-face will change everything.

That's a tough situation, because you care for her and want to comfort her through a difficult time. But it's also at the expense of your feelings. I think that if you contact her right now , due to the silence she's been giving you, you're going to get a response from her that you don't want to hear and that is going to throw you both into a big painful spiral. I've been there, it's messy. Give her time, as much as it sucks. Go about your life trying not to think about her until you have to see her when you come home. Maybe dealing with this face-to-face will change everything.

So yesterday evening I caved and I text her.

It wasn't about anything regarding our relationship just about how we had both been doing. She was extremely friendly and I asked about her mom and she asked me about school. Eventually I got to a point where I felt like she hadn't been talking to me because theres always that awkward point after a break up where people play "the game" of not talking. So I ended up saying that I meant what I said when I told her last wednesday that I'm here if she wants to talk. Heres what she said:

"Thank you so much. You have no idea how much it means to me to have your support. Thank you for bing you. Im always here for you too."

I feel pretty good that theres no resentment but she definitely didn't tell me it was nice to talk or that she missed me. This is to be expected though as she probably wouldn't let herself tell me that even if thats what she's thinking. She's very determined when she makes a decision and does not like being vulnerable.

I have become very sick physically probably because I have been so rundown about this. I caved again today and told her that I hope she has a good day at work. Nothing back from her yet but I am hopeful.

One of her very close friends and a mutual friend of mine has been giving me advice. I know I can trust her as she is a good friend. She told me that my girlfriend hasn't even opened up to her yet about the break up or even her depression. She said that I shouldn't be ashamed of wanting to make this work either. If my girlfriend at some points asks for space or to leave her alone then I should respect that. Her friend also suggested that maybe I should ask her casually to coffee this weekend.

My plan is to make her remember that she loves me. Im not going to be serious or bring up anything important unless I really need closure. If she rejects my offer for coffee Im going to play it off and just say I was hoping to give her back her stuff that she might want.

I have made the mistake in the past of waiting to long to go after a girl and I have also made the mistake of groveling and begging. I do not want to do that but I would rather try to see if she's willing to give this another shot. I know it's not fair to my needs, but I too have been that depressed person that wants to close the world off.

Yesterday I caved because she was tweeting all day about getting drinks with friends this weekend. I absolutely freaked but I figured she was doing all of this on purpose. I decided I was going to let her see me posting happy things (not obviously over happy things lol) on twitter and instagram. Today I posted a picture of myself smiling in the car on the way to class and she like it. It's stupid but little things like that really get my head spinning. For some reason because she broke up with me over hurting and not so much because of the relationship, I can't let it go. I am so hopeful that she will realize the amazing time that was the last year and a half for the both of us.

The most ironic thing is that I literally just went through the same breast cancer situation with my mother just this last summer! I also cared for my grandfather in my home and he passed away a few weeks ago. I did not let any of these things affect our relationship but I know everyone handles things differently. Her telling me that she holds it in her heart that this will work out in the future, combined with liking my pictures, makes me feel like there is love for me somewhere in her heart.

Im so exhausted. This is so unlike another break up I've ever experienced.

Thanks guys for letting me rant.

SO. The last couple of days I have initiated texting and it was very light and wayy too friendly. However today I called and we talked for about ten minutes. We caught up and it was actually pretty nice. She said she was still trying to figure some things out but I asked her to coffee this weekend anyway. I expected her to make an excuse or something but instead she instantly said yes and that it sounded nice.

My plan is to take her for coffee and see how things go. If she is acting strange or too friendly I will just tell her whats on my mind so that I can find my own closure.

SO. The last couple of days I have initiated texting and it was very light and wayy too friendly. However today I called and we talked for about ten minutes. We caught up and it was actually pretty nice. She said she was still trying to figure some things out but I asked her to coffee this weekend anyway. I expected her to make an excuse or something but instead she instantly said yes and that it sounded nice.

 

My plan is to take her for coffee and see how things go. If she is acting strange or too friendly I will just tell her whats on my mind so that I can find my own closure.

okay. just take it slow and don't try to force anything. If she is as severely depressed as she says, she may be a bit fragile. Don't be offended if she's not very talkative.

good luck.

Hope everything works out!! You sound like a great guy

Should I be posting things on social networks so she misses me? I have been dead silent and Im hoping thats got her wondering.

Posting fun/interesting things about your everyday life is a surefire way to make sure she thinks about you, which could trigger her missing you. Overdoing it is a clear indication that you're trying to get a reaction.

You sound like a great guy who is super in touch with his feelings and has a lot of self-insight - rare! She sounds like a very logical girl, who is a thinker - also rare! Depression is very real in all sorts of people, and it can make someone unhappy with all aspects of their life and lose interests in all areas of life, including relationships. It sounds to me like she is overwhelmed with all the situations in her life and is acting out of fear, trying to end the relationship because it will be one less thing to worry about then. On the other hand, she may be losing interest for other reasons in addition to that, which has to be explored.