Leaving my SO for someone else...

My SO and I have been together for over 5 years, since I was 18. We have a large age gap (15 yrs) but that never bothered me, until lately. A while back, we had a long discussion about where this was going, and it really freaked me out. There are some things about him that I thought would change over time, thins that haven't happened yet that I've been waiting for years. He never told me until that long discussion we had, that he actually wanted to get married and have children. Until then I thought we both agreed that children and marriage just weren't for us. On top of that, I'd been waiting for years for him to do things like quit smoking and find a career or passion that he really loved. His life lacks a lot of passion, and it's rubbed off on me over the years. Unfortunately, my situation is a little different than some... He isn't abusive or anything, but he is very controlling. He supports me financially, and never really let's me do anything for myself, including trying to get a part time job so that I can get a car and have a bit more freedom. All of this piled up has really left me feeling trapped. I'm only (almost) 24, I don't want to be in the same relationship for the rest of my life. Things were getting a little stale.... And I'm not proud of it, but I made an account on a dating site.

I met someone new. I didn't think much would come from meeting someone on this site, but it did. We have been talking for a while, and he wants me to leave and live with him and his female room mate. I've been talking to her as well just to feel a little safer about moving in, just in case. He's willing to help me, pick me up, sell me a car, help me find a job, allow me to have more freedom.... This is really, really what I want to do. But it's soooo hard to make a big choice like that!

What makes this decision even harder? My current boyfriend is in denial. He still loves me despite our long talk. He tells me I'm perfect and talks about how we will be together forever... It's heart breaking. He's not a bad guy, really, he's done a lot for me. But we are in different stages in life. I can't sacrifice my own happiness anymore just to try and be someone that I'm not, for him...

I'm sorry this is really long. I am so confused, and this isn't in my character to do something like this. I've never physically cheated on anyone including my current bf. I really just want everyone to be happy... I don't know how to go about doing any of this! My bf and I have had a vacation planned for next month, and I'm wondering if I should make the jump before we go, and let him be alone for the trip? Or... Should I wait? What should I say? I don't want to hurt anyone! I never thought this would be a decision I would have to make ....

Thanks in advance for reading. Any advice you may have would be helpful. Please, though, no insulting or ridiculing my situation. I feel so guilty for even getting in this situation already...

You have never met the new guy and he is willing to do so much for you and even move in. To be honest, he sounds like a pimp and your "job" will involve hustling to pay him back for all he has given you.

If you want to break up...then do so. But to jump into your other option would not be wise.

Yes - I would definitely be careful about jumping from one situation to the next - one that might end up being more controlling than what you have now.

If you are not happy where you are, make it your number one priority to move on. Start planning ahead. Figure out what it will cost you to move out. But do it on your own 2 feet. You need to rely on yourself.

You have never met the new guy and he is willing to do so much for you and even move in. To be honest, he sounds like a pimp and your "job" will involve hustling to pay him back for all he has given you.

 

If you want to break up...then do so. But to jump into your other option would not be wise.

I have met this guy in person before, and I have been trying to meet with him in person more before I make a big step. We have a few mutual friends because we don't live very far apart, and the fact that I have been talking to his female room mate is comforting. I never realized that it may come off that way, but I whole heartedly believe that those are not his intentions. I'm a personal trainer and he has gym equipment, and trying to find a space to open it up.

I do think that it would be wise to move on, and be on my own two feet. But like I said before, my current bf is controlling. He doesn't like for me to have a job, or a car. It's like he wants to keep me as a house pet. In any other circumstance I wouldn't even consider relying on anyone else. I also have no family where I live now, so I can't use them as a crutch to help..

You are an adult. It doesn't matter if he doesn't like for you to have a job or a car. Get both and learn to stand on your own two feet.

Meeting up with somone new is just a 'high', for now.

So many promises could be red flags! Don't go there. After the honeymoon phase, it'll all come back to haunt you, moving along at this rate...

Think smart!

Instead of leaping your dependency from one guy to another, why not use your Internet skills to locate your nearest women's shelter? Tell them about your controlling BF and get free advice on what they can do to help you move on and grow independent.

You're setting yourself up for what you 'believe' to be a rescue, but you're taking an awfully big risk. People disappear all the time. It's coincidental that you're so dependent and this strange guy is so generous.

I'd seek other options.

I really don't think that I am leaping to another guy and being so dependent. He has a female roommate and he had another room mate that recently moved out, and is willing to give me a place to stay, but not for free. I have some money that I have saved up over the years and I am going to find a job ASAP...

I guess my real question was, how am I supposed to break this off with my boyfriend? I know he feels my distance, but he's very much attached. He says things like "forever" still. I feel as if I shouldn't tell him about the guy, and just tell him tht I am moving in with the girl.. There's no reason to break his heart any more than necessary, right? And I am also wondering if I should tell him before our vacation, and let him go by himself, or after we get back? I don't see the trip going very well if we go together, and maybe he can find a rebound if he goes alone .....

If you are going to do this regardless, you tell him that you are moving out and you don't go on vacation with him.

And then you pack your stuff and move.

The title of your post is "Leaving my SO for someone else".

Well, I know I am leaving him for another guy, but I was referring to financial dependency, not emotional dependency. I was just trying to make it clear that I'm not going to make the same mistake as before, with what I did with my current boyfriend. I honestly don't consider this to be dependency because I need a place to move, and I'm going to be paying rent. It just so happens that I am interested in one of my room mates...

You are dependent on your current SO, and as you have no car, no job and minimal savings ---- it would appear you will be dependent on the new guy as well.

No, it doesn't just so happen.

You didn't go looking at apartments, you went on a dating site.

You can lie to your SO, and you can lie to us on the forum, but try not to lie to yourself.

You are relationship hopping, whether you want to admit that to yourself or not. You were involved with your current partner when you met and became involved with the new person. That is essentially the definition of relationship hopping. No break in between emotional relationships.

That doesn't mean it can't work, but let's call a spade a spade so we can move on.

I agree that standing on your own two feet is important. If you feel that this opportunity that is being presented to you is the best thing for you - as an individual - then do it. You're the only person who can decide that.

Take your attachment to this new person out of the equation for a moment:

1.) If you interviewed these two as a complete stranger, would you be willing to room with them? Could you afford to pull your own weight and contribute to the overall expenses of the household?

2.) If you were to go out on your own, what plans would you make? Would they be different than this plan that you have come up with currently? How so?

3.) What are their expectations of you as a roommate?

4.) What happens if/when you and this person have a falling out/lose interest? Can you continue on as a roommate, or will you have to move?

While it may seem cold to consider it this way, you have to look out for yourself. Bottom line. Which means you need to think of the worst-case scenario and what will happen if it comes to that. Can you land on your feet?

If not, I'd take some time to do some serious reconsidering.

I see more red flags in this than at the beach when a hurricane is approaching....Move in with someone you barely know???? no way. Look for other options.