Broke up with me out of the blue

I consider myself as a strong woman and at 31 i never knew i would be posting this but i'm looking for answers and trying to deal with this grief which i cant deal with on my own.At this age i have gone through many breaks ups sometimes i chose to leave them and sometimes they chose to leave me and never have a breakup shock me to my core like this one has .So here it goes...i met him on-line we spoke over the phone for 3 weeks and we were hooked to each other ..he use to call me for hours and hours literally we were on the phone with each other for 7,8 hours then we finally met ...we clicked and started meeting..and then we started spending the weekends together at his place ..i couldn't invite him over to my place because of few issues but when i could i invited him over ..he use to make me breakfast,make me stand in front of the mirror with him and see how we looked together,he did things for me and i did things for him we were happy.. it was a give and take relationship i didn't feel like having sex straight away so he waited for me till I was ready...the sex was great ..i liked kinky stuff and all and he had never tried it so he was enjoying that as well..he told me i was a very understanding girl ..he use to text me when he was out with the boys i never pressured him for anything..i didn't push for any commitment either...we use to communicate discuss stuff with each other..he used to say to me u are always there for your friends and i use to say yeah i wonder who is here for me he said me i will listen to your problems i'm here for you babe...he had some issues no one is perfect but as i said i dealt with them and he said you understand things so well for e.g once he went to a strip club got really drunk and told me and i was ok with it told him as long as u don't cross the limits its ok ..i remember on that night he asked me drunken what are u doing with a ed up freak like me i said i like u and u aren't ed up to me u seem fine to me ...i ignored it thinking it was jus a drunken call ..he kept friends with all his ex's i didnt like that thing i told him its not healthy but he said we are just friends and they want to be friends with me all ..he said all his exs after the breakup want to be freinds with him and i thought ok he is with me and not them so i understood... all i asked from him was please never cheat on me that is one thing i cant stand...anyhow we met up the weekends for 2 months like this ..the last weekend we spent together all went well like the usual ...then out of the blue one day 2,3 days after the weekend he calls me and tells me we need to stop i asked him why ? he said i cheated on u and we can be friends...and i was shocked ...i went to see him straight away to his place i needed answers i guess he meant allot to me he asked me why i came why didn't i sleep over it i told him u mean something to me i'm willing to give u another chance he said what we have is beautiful but he had jinxed it and he couldn't honour me and if it were him he wont forgive me so why was i willing to do so who was so strongly against cheating i told him because u mean something to me he said ok lets give it few weeks and think about it..he was very cold that day though he was a completely different person he wasn't the same man i knew..then coupla days after that i did some drugs and texted him under the influence he asked me not to get in to i told him i don't understand what has happened and he should give us another chance he said lets give it coupla weeks i said ok...then my dad got really sick and since he had became such a good support system for me i asked him if he can help me through this but he never bother to reply...its been two weeks now since that offal day when he called to breakup with me..i started have anxiety and panic attacks i gave up smoking few years ago i have started again i'm self harming doing drugs sometimes...people around me say i have a nervous break down ...some say i almost had it..but its consuming me that what went wrong ? i know it was just 3 months but what happened? did he really cheat on me ? did i do something wrong ? and why is it bothering me so much why cant i just move on like i use to ..why am i behaving so recklessly with myself? why am i punishing myself for what he did ? will he ever come back ? bottom line is i'm trying to understand what really happened? can some one any one please help me why did he just broke up with me out of the blue ?

Goodness ... it might help if you broke this into paragraphs and used punctuation. I haven't read it all yet but I've run out of breath!! I shall read on anyways!

He didn't break up with you out of the blue. Whilst you were plodding along unawares he was cheating on you. Bearing in mind this happened within 3 months, it seems that he wasn't quite as invested in the relationship as you were ... or as he made out to be. He strikes me as the kind of guy who likes making a big show of being in a relationship even if the real commitment isn't there.

There was already an indication that things weren't going to run smoothly when he asked you "what are you doing with a f'ed up freak like me". If someone said something like that to me I would see it as a red flag that things weren't going to end well.

You need to quit taking the drugs because that isn't helping with the anxiety and panic attacks. I know it's horrible but you need to try to get ahold of reality so that you can start accepting what has happened.

Honestly please stop beating up yourself. You sound like a really good person with a good head on your shoulders. I don't think you did anything wrong. It was him. Sometimes you know people and sometimes you don't. They just like to put up a front and show you the world and then go back to the side you haven't seen. I don't think you should take him back even if you could. What makes you think he wont cheat again and the fact he says hes a messed up person and hes friends with all his exes. Don't contact him. I know it hurts right now and you just want to run to him because your hurt. Its only natural. Don't call or text him. Let him go. Start taking care of you

Thank you all for your kind replies. Lianne we were meeting over the weekends only because of our work and our busy routine so basically whatever time we had left out of our busy lives we spent it with each other. Flyguy23 , I know he said he was a ed up freak but he only said that when he was drunk so I didn't pay much heed to it.People say allot of stuff when they are drunk.I still fail to understand what happened ? where did I go wrong ? how come it was going so well he was perfectly fine with me over the phone in the morning and in the evening he just flipped ? did he just get fed up with me ? did he use the excuse of cheating because i have always said i wont put up with it ? how can some one who was so caring and kind to me just end it in such a cruel manner ?.He used to ask me how come you are such a nice girl ? when will your act drop ? what's your hidden agenda and i always use to tell him this is the way i'm.

Honestly i just don't understand what happened and why is that he was the one who cheated and punished me for it ?

There were several red flags you chose to ignore and in time you will see them.

It would seem that he has done this before since he has a bunch of ex's as friends. He gets a woman hooked, has some fun and then breaks up with them because he is a bad person one way or another. The ole its me not you routine.

Consider yourself lucky that you didn't get in any deeper.

You need to take care of yourself, stop smoking and using and spend time with people that love you.

Our minds far to often build things into what want instead of seeing them as they really are. This guy was no good for you or anyone for that matter.

Lost

It seems you were only together for about three months. That's not very long. Maybe you should seek some therapy to figure out why/how you became attached so quickly. I would also say that if you are using drugs and alcohol to cope that therapy would be in order.

I don't know that anyone can say why he broke up with you, but understand that at three months' of dating, there is no real "out of the blue." You were barely beginning.

What's important now is that you put the focus back on you. It doesn't really sound like the two of you were bringing each other up to be the best people you could be. So perhaps think about what you want from your life (not just dating) and move forward to work on that.

lostandhurt that means I'm the loser here because i let myself be used and abused by such a person I cant stop smoking because that is the only thing that is helping me . I feel like a fool and a idiot that even at this age I couldn't see what a douche he was

I feel so angry with myself how could have allowed all of this to happen ?

Thanks Lianne I'm trying to pull through this.I have been telling myself from yesterday now it wasn't my fault it just was him and its his loss that he let me go not mine i hope i can keep this up because i'm literally pushing myself to think these thoughts while deep down i still keep on thinking what could i have done different to make him stay .Even now i hate myself for wishing he would come back to me

I don't see you as a loser in any way.

You opened your heart and went into this with the best of intentions. How does that make you a loser?

You can only control what you do and feel, not what he does or feels. It felt right and you went with it with honesty and a caring heart. He on the other hand had different ideas obviously.

The loss you feel and the desire to get back what you once had is your heart doing the thinking for you. It is our minds that must battle the heart to keep us safe. Remember the heart only wants to love and be loved and care little about the consequences. Our minds are what keeps us from jumping to far to fast or in this case going back to something that is not good for us.

As far as I can tell you did nothing wrong to push him a away, this is how he operates. If you were the perfect girlfriend he would have bailed sooner or later.

Your health (physical and mental) are the most important things right now. Are there people that love you close by? If so spend some time with them, talk to them and laugh with them. Sitting alone at home with all those thoughts running through your head is not good.

Best wishes

Lost

Lostandhurt i feel like a loser because i texted him a week back when i found out my dad has cancer and he is in a different country then i'm and due to some reasons i cant fly there to see him and be there for him.. and since this guy had became so close to me and my support system and when I herd the news i shared it with him and asked for his help to get me through it was a friendly text a cry out for help because at that time i didn't knew what to do.. but he didn't even bother to reply so i feel more angry at myself for texting him and making a complete fool out of myself ..i try to keep myself busy at work and i do try to see my friends when I can but at the moment i'm stuck with my selfish sister in law who doesn't give a damn and cant see anything beyond herself

We have all done foolish things but it doesn't make you a fool.

If you think of it this way: You still had the impression that he was a good guy and that you messed it up somehow so you reached out to him in a time of need. Unfortunately he isn't what you thought he was and is showing his true colors now. This should help you heal actually because it forces you to see him, I mean really see him for who and what he is.

My ex contacted me for some advice/help very recently. I still love her but we couldn't be together for several reasons. I want her to be happy and truly wish her the best. I helped all I could and told I would always be there for her. It was hard to be back in contact with her because I would love for us to be together and I do miss her but there was no way I would ignore her.

This guy you thought so highly of just weeks ago is not what you want in your life.

You are not a loser and you can always come on here and interact with a lot of great people that only want to help.

Read my signature below, it helps

Lost

From the sound of it, this was three months of a non-relationship. You said that there wasn't a commitment right? But even if there was, I am very alarmed by your reaction.

Break ups within the first six months of dating are very common. So the question is why are you smoking and self harming after some jerk cheats and ends it after 3 months? That's very alarming. What's missing in your life and spirit that you hoped he could fill? Likely that answer is best found out through therapy.

But the single most important emotional tool you can have in your life toolbox is resilience. Resilience means awareness. You know that bad things are going to happen to you in life. Resilience is anticipation. You understand yourself enough to know what your typical reactions are to tough situations. Resilience is self-care. You are proactive enough to seek out help before you get into an unhealthy mental space. Resilience is optimism. Sometimes you joke, sometimes you laugh, at all times you remember that you will be okay.

Lostandhurt thank you.Your words and explanation is motivating me.I felt like texting him today because he isnt speaking to me but he is messing with my mind still. l used to have a display pic on whatsapp when i was dating him and he has the same display pic from yesterday i can feel he has done it on purpose and i guess he wants me to react but i wont.The picture says "been there done that and then been there done that several times but apparently i never learn" i felt like doing something calling or texting him but that is what he wants to mess with my mind ..i m ashamed i did some weed today ...just found out dad is getting chemo treatment just felt bad and i guess this damn dp of his got to me.Ms Dracy i have been dating for quite a while so yes i know its unhealthy. There are guys i broke up with in a month some broke up with me in 3 ,6 but the point is sometimes time doesn't matter but the person does .This guy pressed all my right buttons...did things for me no one ever did,knew what i wanted isolated me from my friends showed me he was my all so the way he broke up with me came as a complete shock and i guess my nerves couldn't handle it and with other things going on in my life this breakup was the last thing i needed ...i guess every one have there limit and this was mine.I dont know how i will cope with this but i'm trying its hard very hard but i'm trying to fight...its weekend again and i miss him terribly because there hasn't been a weekend from last 3 months we were together so i guess weekends are the hardest but i'm trying my best to accept my situation and heal

I would say that he is a commitment phobe because he is behaving like one. The relationship starts off quickly and suddenly comes to a halt. It is difficult to accept because it was wonderful while it lasted. Please get this book, "Men Who Can't Love." The author is Steven Carter and you can get it on Amazon. chi

If you know your reaction is unhealthy, you need to get the root of your overattachment and self-harming. I don't think focusing too much on him (e.g. he is a commitment phobe) is very helpful to you or you'll end up in a string of similar experiences.

If you know your reaction is unhealthy, you need to get the root of your overattachment and self-harming. I don't think focusing too much on him (e.g. he is a commitment phobe) is very helpful to you or you'll end up in a string of similar experiences.

It is helpful because it will help her to see why what happened could not be avoided and by doing so, will reduce her stress level resulting in her not needing to self harm.

Also, learning the behavior of a commitment phobe will enable her to identify one if she ever encounters the experience again. chi

It is helpful because it will help her to see why what happened could not be avoided and by doing so, will reduce her stress level resulting in her not needing to self harm.

 

Also, learning the behavior of a commitment phobe will enable her to identify one if she ever encounters the experience again. chi

I don't read his behavior as commitment phobic. I read it as never being interested enough to see her consistently or to develop a few short months of dating into a relationship.

Trying to ascribe one or the other or even a third option to a stranger's behavior is unwise. For example, I had a friend who had convinced herself that her bf and baby daddy was a commitment phobe after refusing to get married despite 10 years of dating. Guess what? Two years later, he's recently married and posting pics all over facebook. Imagine how she feels seeing that when her healing was predicated on focusing on him and viewing HIM as broken versus truly trying to divorce herself emotionally from him.

And I think it's a bit irresponsible to suggest that naming him a commitment phobe --> stress reduction --> not needing to self-harm. People who self-harm can have any number of triggers: car accident, breakups, death in the family, pregnancy, family fight, getting robbed, etc. The triggers speak to some underlying feelings (e.g. abandonment) that desperately need to be addressed.

Just my thoughts.

Also, the Mayo Clinic has some good information about self-harming: link removed

"There's no one single or simple cause that leads someone to self-injure. In general, self-injury is usually the result of an inability to cope in healthy ways with psychological pain related to issues of personal identity and having difficulty "finding one's place" in family and society. The person has a hard time regulating, expressing or understanding emotions. The mix of emotions that triggers self-injury is complex. For instance, there may be feelings of worthlessness, loneliness, panic, anger, guilt, rejection, self-hatred or confused sexuality.

Through self-injury, the person may be trying to:

Manage or reduce severe distress or anxiety and provide a sense of relief

Provide a distraction from painful emotions through physical pain

Feel a sense of control over his or her body, feelings or life situations

Feel something, anything, even if it's physical pain, when feeling emotionally empty

Express internal feelings in an external way

Communicate depression or distressful feelings to the outside world

Be punished for perceived faults."

It really doesn't matter what his reasons were for ending the relationship because no matter what it was it is still over. Accepting that simple fact is the first very important step.

Your father is going through a very scary time and I am sure he would love to hear from you often as possible. Actually focusing on helping him may help you.

Please don't contact him no matter what he says or does. Nothing good will come from it believe me.

Don't beat yourself up for wanting to contact him, it happens all the time to a lot of people.

Lost

I would say that he is a commitment phobe because he is behaving like one. The relationship starts off quickly and suddenly comes to a halt. It is difficult to accept because it was wonderful while it lasted. Please get this book, "Men Who Can't Love." The author is Steven Carter and you can get it on Amazon. chi

Chitown he did use to say it to me he gets cold feet and has commitment issues and that none of his relationships last longer than a month and the only one that lasted long was his exact answer was" i dont know how it lasted that long" bear in my mind the gal he says he is cheated me on with is her (while he had told me she got married couple of years ago and he broke all contact with her) he also use to say sometimes he has been independent for so long he doesn't know how he will be committed..i remember he aslo said once that come to think of it i m never out of a relationship and i said but u told me your relationship doesn't last long then how come you are always in a relationship i guess what he meant was he was always with some one new... but i also had commitment issues before him as well which i shared with him i will be honest with you some people in my family have called me the run away bride because i broke two engagements in my life and people even teased me that hey don't do a hatrick. i guess i thought we were on the same page and i guess the way he was showering me with attention and making a big show of been with me made me think i might be the one for him and he for me .

Ms Darcy i understand that you are saying there is something wrong with me and not him i will try to get the root of the problem so no one can ever do this again with me and i don't feel this hurt ever again in my life.

Lostandhurt so what you are saying is what i'm experiencing is natural wanting to hear from him or wanting to contact me and there is nothing wrong with me ?.Yes i keep telling myself it is over and there is nothing i cant do about it .I do call my dad every day and tell him he will pull through and i also call my mom and tell her to be strong i'm trying my best to b there for them even though i'm not physically present there.

Ms Darcy i understand that you are saying there is something wrong with me and not him i will try to get the root of the problem so no one can ever do this again with me and i don't feel this hurt ever again in my life.

Not at all. I think you need to focus on learning resilience and coping techniques during this time of very high stress. A good therapist is an excellent option.

The relationship wasn't really going well. Not if he could cheat on you. It was early days and he was getting somewhat caught up in the "newness" of it all ... but he was still able to cheat on you. The early days are when things are new and exciting and a connection is built that then goes on to support a long term relationship, either that or things never really go beyond a certain point.

Regardless of whether he is using cheating on you as an excuse to the end the relationship, he did still cheat on you .... and, under the circumstances, ending the relationship is the right thing to do because he knows that he will likely do it again.

The fact that he used to ask you why you were such a nice girl suggests that he is not used to being around nice people and doesn't generally honour people with being super nice back. He was as nice to you as he could be ... but that still involved cheating on you.

That doesn't make you a loser ... it makes you human!

You need to delete him from all social media and all your contact lists so that you can't see things and read into them. Maybe he is trying to mess with your head but you are allowing him to ... and thus messing with your own head. When you cut people out of your lives and you can no longer see or hear what they are up to, it really does help you regain a new and better focus far, far away from them.

If you want to get through this as quickly as possible, you have to start helping yourself.

Ms dracy atm i cant afford a therapist but I will definitely look in to it.

A little blue i will try to delete him from my contact list but i guess i aint ready for it yet but i'm trying to pull myself outa this rut.A couple of days back a client asked me what's wrong with you ..you look like a ghost and it really hit me that I'm a complete mess these days and i need to get my act together so i have been pushing myself even though i don't feel any better but I'm telling myself i do feel better and its not the end of the world and what kind of life would i have had with him always looking over my shoulder always insecure always thinking he might cheat with his ex or someone new or something.I have been telling myself i deserve to be with a person who doesn't play games with me and who stays sincere to me.To be honest i have given up on love or anything and I'm not going to date again any time soon .i want to heal completely and maybe then I might try and get out there plus i have been telling myself i don't need a man to make me happy or support me through rough times i can deal with this on my own.

Ms dracy atm i cant afford a therapist but I will definitely look in to it.

I understand about cost. You can find some places that charge on a sliding scale.

Also, this site is a good resource and it provides a hotline for further help: link removed

Yes that is exactly what I am saying. My ex cheated on me with a total loser, left my disabled son on a playground and asked a stranger to keep an eye on him while she went to see her bf and I still wanted to try and fix things. Of course looking back our vision is always 20/20 but in the midst of being rejected and thrown away we just don't want to hurt anymore so we want to reach out.

I really want you to take care of yourself. I didn't eat for 4 days after I caught my wife and I usually can't go 4 hrs without eating without getting a headache! This stuff mess's with your head and body big time so you need to push yourself to eat right, stay away from drugs, sleep your normal schedule, dress nice and keep in touch with people that care.

Remember this one thing. You were just fine before he came into your life so there is no reason you can't be okay with him out of it.

Lost