Dumped for someone else after 4 years, moved to another country for her, help

Hello,

It's been almost 2 months since my ex broke up with me because she was in love of someone else, she's 25 and I'm 27. She jumped to him from day one after breaking up. I moved to a foreign country for her, and I don't really speak the language here. We were so serious, that I assumed we were gonna marry. We were about to move together before she broke up. I'm writing here because I don't know how to cope with the pain anymore. I thought that after almost 2 months it would be easier but it is not. I cry almost every day and the feeling of hopelessness and sadness is too strong, specially in the mornings after waking up. I have tried to keep myself busy, but it's impossible to be busy 24 hours a day. I think of her almost 24/7 and I miss her damn much.

I lost 10 kilos in 3 weeks after she broke up with me, and I couldn't sleep more than 3 hours for 2 weeks. This is really affecting my life. two weeks ago I stumbled on a photo of them (her profile picture) where her new lover is kissing her. I literally had to vomit and couldn't sleep again for a couple days after that.

Things were going bad in the last couple months of the relationship, I accept it. However, as I said, we would treat each other almost as if we were married already, so I never thought she would give up our relationship for a new guy. (The guy had been after her for over 2 years, she flirted with him then and felt guilty and told me, I forgave her).

Although I ask myself all the time why did she do that, how can she dump me for another person, how can she be so cold/cruel, how could she leave me to die alone here, etc. I am writing here for help about how to cope with the post-breakup, because I know things between us are dead forever. I am still too attached to her. I am doing my best to move on but it is almost impossible.

The breakup was 1 months and 3 weeks ago, I have been in no contact for 20 days, she jumped to him the day after she broke up. She made it official in facebook one month after the break up. As I said, I am in a foreign country, I have been here for 1,5 years, and she was my only friend here. I know people of course, but it's nothing deep. She was literally all I had here. I have trouble to communicate because of the language, so it's not easy for me to talk to people. I am living thousands of kilometers away from my family, in a small town where there's not much to do and sometimes I feel I just want to die. The possibility of coming back to my country is discarded.

I have tried to keep myself busy: Sometimes I go to the gym, sometimes I go to a random event, I try to skype with old friends from home, etc. But it doesn't seem to get better. Every morning I wake up being a total mess, crying and feeling horrible. Then during the day I have this strong feeling in my chest. I am alone most of the time, so I feel extremely lonely and sad. I had never felt something like this before in my life. The idea that the most important person in my life is gone forever hits me like a train. I feel the loneliness too strong. I miss a million things I had with her. I'm a shy person in general and this was my first girlfriend. I had had "adventures" with other girls before but this is the first time I fell in love.

I am also having self steem issues, she was a 9/10 for me and during the relationship very often I wondered how did I end up with such a beautiful and good hearted girlfriend, I thought I was so lucky. I consider myself a 6/10 and she's the most beautiful girl I know.

Although I'm not a jealous person in general, lately I have also started to think too much about the fact that they're having sex. She is really good, open and kinky in bed. Basically she taught me everything I know. And it makes me so mad to think that now she gives all that with someone else. The thought drives me crazy.

I don't know how writing about it here will help, but that's what we do when we are desperate, right? Please any advice would be appreciated. I'm running out of strenghts to keep on...

Thanks....

I've had pretty much the same experience as you did but without the complications of being in another country. I'm curious to know why you can't return to your home country. It would certainly solve the loneliness problem, or at least lessen it. Alternatively, you could move somewhere else. For me, one of the best things I ever did was move away from my ex wife, even though it also meant leaving family behind. You don't say whether you work or study but, even if you do, it might still be possible to move somewhere else, preferably where there's more social activity.

Apart from that, I can't add anything apart from the "traditional break-up wisdom". 2 months is a very short time into recovery after a break-up, especially one where you had reasonable expectations of lasting. Unfortunately, people still break up after marriage and in some cases even after several decades.

I wish you luck.

Take care.

She was an very mean to you, focus on that. She was flirting with him a year in a half ago. I am not sure that ever stopped for them to move on so fast. Can you move back home? That would be your best bet I think.

You have to delete her from your social media. You must no look at her or his pages ever. Whenever you see a picture of them you will have to heal all over again.

Are you seriously in no financial position to move back home? Even if you have to move in with family till your back on your feet? This country has nothing left for you and this is a lesson that you don't uproot your whole life for one person especially if there isn't a ring on the finger.

There is no magic cure on getting over someone and the first one's are always the hardest. You need to start to rewire your brain, break ups happen over a period of time and she had probably been planning and escape plan for months. You can't take this personally, you fell in love, you tried and it didn't work out that is no reflection on how much of a man you are and you need to rebuild your self esteem. Your enough of a man for any woman in this world, you two just weren't compatible.

In this world the majority of time you'll be alone and you need to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with anything else. You need to learn not to attach your happiness to another person.

As to easing the pain yes keeping busy is good but there needs to be conviction behind the tasks your undertaking. You can't just do it for the sake on it, it won't work. You need to set goals and get excited about your life again. What are you passionate about? Work towards that and you'll notice the mental shift. The more you focus on something the bigger it grows until it consumes you like you said. You need to break thisthis cycle in order to heal.

Stay NC wake up look in the mirror and go I love you to yourself. Also say she left me for someone else I deserve better than that. Time does heal all wounds it's true and everyone on this forum have gone through this. You just need to pick yourself up and start again.

man where do i start, first off i know how you feel, ive been in a relationship with someone whom i shared a Great amount of pain in life, and she left me for a guy she just met for a day.

I think there was already something wrong with your relationship, something that she wasnt telling you, something taht you may or may not have avoided talking her about. because in my experience people only cheat when there's this gap that we are not filling, and someone else is.

right now its been a good 7 months since we broke up, we are good friends and she turned out to be a thanks to that guy, my ex is now ing alot of guys for money. and it pains me to think about it, but also at the same time i couldnt care less, being with her will just cost me 100x more pain than not being with her, so i always think in a way " good riddance ". the pain is a reminder of what whe had and what she were, i think of her as a dead person and that she isnt now my girlfriend, but someone else a completely different person.

it may seem that im telling my story now when its your post, sorry about that but im just relating my story is quite similar to yours, and i just wanted to share how i cope with the pain. its been a long time already since the break up so allow yourself to see other people. or better yet, build yourself to be the person women desire. the greatest revenge is success my friend

I had written a long reply but my browser closed ^^, so here I go again a bit shorter:

I quitted my job around two years ago before moving here, until then, I had been for 10 months in her country and she had been in mine for 5 months, we lived together during all this time. We knew each other for 2 years before starting a relationship. The reason I can't go back right now is because I started to study again here and need 2 more years to finish. Also, a round ticket costs around 1200 euros right now, and I can't afford that luxus living off my savings.

I have blocked her from all social media sites, also deleted her phone/skype, etc. I saw her photo because I still had old messages of her in facebook, and the profile picture gets updated even if you have the person blocked.

You have a very good point CraigHowes, I have been keeping myself busy just for the sake of it. I don't have motivation to do anything, but I have been forcing myself to do all this. I remember almost all my dreams every night, and she has been in at least 50% of them. Usually dreams where we come back, then I wake up to my nightmare.

How much NC is enough? I set initially the goal of 60 days with NC, to see how I feel afterwards, but now I believe that will be too few. Also, my birthday is coming soon and she will probably contact me either by phone or email (probably email), should I answer back?

I have a blackboard with a huge list of things I didn't like about her, I listen to motivational speeches all the time, but not even doing things that used to make me happy help.

Thank you very much for your replies, I appreciate it.

What are you studying you can usually transfer university or college? I'd look into that. Also if your study there will be loads of groups to join? Maybe a group in which you could learn the language? Learning a language is fun.

In regards to NC your thinking about it the wrong way NC doesn't have a time frame it is a tool in which you can heal from and it sets you up for not contacting her ever again. So don't set a timeframe for it just know your actively doing it.

Dreams have no meaning and are just your sub conscious portraying what you mind is focused on. The dreams will fade in time. I still get dreams about girlfriends from 10 years ago that are now married it doesn't mean anything.

Also take down the blackboard you need to let go of the hate and anything that connects you to her. Subconsciously that is keeping her in your mind. Instead put up short term goals up on that blackboard they don't have to be substantial just something to work towards.

You train your brain on how you want to feel if you keep busy and keep focusing on you and your future and how that looks for you your brain will rewire itself.

Yes I will sign up for a language course, I'm like an "activity " right now, I have been saying yes to all the events that are there. Usually when I do something outside, a point comes where I just want to be alone again, reading people's opinion and stories on the internet seems to calm me down somehow.

You're right about the NC and the blackboard, I hand't thought about it in that way. So you think that putting her down of the pedestal I have her on (which basicaly means having hateful thoughts, remembering only the negative, etc) is not a good idea for the long term? I started the blackboard thing at the same time I started the NC. And thanks for your suggestion about writing there short term goals, it's actually a very good idea.

I never considered transfering universities so I don't have information about it, but I will check if it's a realistic option or not.

Yes it is good to have alone time too or else you'll burn out with all these activities. I'd find some new reading material though as reading other people's stories yes has it's purpose but it also keeps your mind on your ex.

Yes definitely take her off that pedestal and leave her off of there. You have to come to a point of acceptance within yourself. We all feel all types of emotions while going through a breakup the key is to feel them but not judge them and not think about them. Just let them come and past.

It sounds like you've got your head screwed on and with a bit of realignment you'll be just fine.

Big Hug yo you Dear Boy. As hard as it may seem, try to take care of yourself. Eat well, take gentle exercise and do things that help you feel relaxed. You have been given some good advice here. I'm sorry your heart has been broken. I promise you that time will heal you.

Thank you very much for your advices and kind words. What do you think is the reason why some people seem to move on well after, let's say a year, and others have trouble even after 2, 3 or 4 years?

Does this mostly have to do with finding another partner? I have the feeling that most people don't really get completely over a person until they find another one. Of course there are always expceptions but I'm talking about the majority.

I moved on in 2 months from my last relationship! Haha. It all depends on how quick you start the healing process and getting back to you. If you allow yourself to get stuck in the past and deny it and keep in contact that will all delay it. There are loads of factors and everyone's different and heal at different speeds.

Also it depends on the quality and time invested in a relationship if someone is together 20 years compared to someone who's had a 3month fling the healing time is going to be majorly different.

Hope this all helps and has got you thinking.

Thank you very much for your advices and kind words. What do you think is the reason why some people seem to move on well after, let's say a year, and others have trouble even after 2, 3 or 4 years?

 

Does this mostly have to do with finding another partner? I have the feeling that most people don't really get completely over a person until they find another one. Of course there are always expceptions but I'm talking about the majority.

I don't really know how to answer that Ship because as well as being different for each person, it can differ when that same person has different relationships which have ended.

I know that for me, I take breakups very badly and cry a lot, and then after a while when I have forced myself to go out, have a good time, take up new and old interests, do good things for myself, I seem to recover and be able to move on.

I think it is mostly so hard for you to move on because she was the only person you spent most of your time with in a foreign country, and you felt like you two were "already married" because of the way you behaved with each other. So you though she was going to be there forever, because she simply can`t go anywhere, because you were so close and she was your only close person so far away from home. And now when she is gone you feel lost and shattered, because you never expected that.

Another thing is that you moved for her, changed you life for her and now you feel like it was all wrong. Try to see good sides of that. Are there any? Where are you from? Where to have you moved?

And I don't mean that you should start every relationship with the thought that it may fall apart any time, but attaching yourself and relying yourself so much on somebody you know for just a couple of years is dangerous and unhealthy.

What helped me move on after I ended up a 3 year long abusive relationship is moving away and starting a new life, making new friends and volunteering a lot to help the ones around me. And I also got this though deep to my heart "If he did that to me - he wasn't really my love". I hope it helped. All the best to you, it just needs time.

I would look into transferring your credits and getting the heck out of there. Can you stay with family or your friends or something until you can get back out on your own? You are going through a bad B/U but I'm sure that you're isolated in a foreign country makes it 1,000x worse. It magnifies your pain because you are not around any loved ones at all. I Really hope you will transfer your credits and get your money and belongings together and get out of there. You will feel so much better returning hope and getting the support you need, I am sure of it. Even just being back in a familiar place really helps. I could NOT imagine being stuck in a foreign country where I don't know the language and don't have friends after a BU.

As for why people move on quickly, it sounds like she may have cheated on you with this guy. I move on pretty quickly after the end of a relationship because I find it easy to heal up and move on, and the relationship suffered for a while beforehand which gives me a chance to detach. She got with him the DAY after you two split? No way, there was something going on. That's very different than leaving someone, being alone for a little while, and THEN starting to see someone else. it sounds like they were "together" in their hearts before she actually left you.

Yes, I agree now that I shouldn't have taken decisions in the way I did. But sometimes there are things that you just learn when you crash. I was blindly in love during the whole relationship and thought she was all I needed to be happy. It was a huge mistake to make her the center of my life. although I am 27 years old my feelings for her were rather innocent, and I took many naive decisions. I will look at my finances to see if I can make the effort to travel to my home country this christmas/new year, and come back in January. After celebrating those days with my ex for the last 4 years I can't imagine how it would be to be alone during that time.

Yes, my rational brain also tells me that there must have been a lot of emotional cheating by her for quite a while. I don't recognize her anymore. I failed to see the red flags when I had the chance, but I slowly start connecting dots now.

There are good sides of being here, first, I hopefully get to learn a new language, second, I'm studying so it's always something good. I also have the chance to travel every once in a while through Europe because the transport can be cheap if you plan it with time. I feel now that I got into "standby" in my life after quittig my job. I mean, I am again a student and to be honest it sucks to go back in stages. But thinking rationally it should be something good in the long term (I hope). If I wasn't so crushed, brokenhearted and depressed right now I would be happy of being here. I have considered just leaving the country for a while but I don't want to take any rushed decisions specially while being so emotional and sensitive.

Thank you guys for the replies.

Your thinking is great and wise, you know what you are doing. Go visit your family, reconnect with your old friends, it can only be good!

Traveling is a great point also, it always makes us see the bigger picture. Just give it time - you will be fine.

Good luck with your study!

Thank you lerenard, I think I kind of know what I should do, but sometimes it's really hard to get going! I know you understand the feeling.

Thanyou also for the quote Lianne, I know that perhaps in some years I will look bad and think this was the best for me, but the hard part is to go through it!

OK, i was in a similar position where I moved somewhere to be with someone else. The second it blew up, I immediately made plans to move back to my home area because I had no real reason to be in that town anymore and didn't even like the town.

It took me a while to get out because I had to sell a house I had bought in the new town, but I focused ALL my energies into looking to the future and not the past. I couldn't change what happened (he betrayed me as happened with you) so why waste time doing anything but moving forward and not wallowing in the past.

I felt 100% better when I moved and got on with my life. You need to do the same. There is NO excuse for staying where you are. You can transfer to another program back in your home town or somewhere else. Even if you lose a semester or two in the process, so what? It is worth it to get you out of this hole you are in. And if you have to, store your stuff and move in with your family or friends until you find a new job.

Right now you are romanticizing the past and her and raking over memories of her and your life together, but that is as dead as yesterday's newspaper so you need to stop focusing on her and the past and start focusing on YOU and the future. The quickest way to do that is to throw your energies into moving back to where family and friends are and to your own culture where you can easily assimilate back in and continue your life and looking for a new girl.

Google 'thought stopping' and start practicing it. She's just a ghost in your head and in the past at this point, and you need to align your thinking with that and stop giving her so my air time in your head. You need to center your world around something else other than her, because she is just a ghost at this point as far as you are concerned. Time to rejoin the real world!

OK, i was in a similar position where I moved somewhere to be with someone else. The second it blew up, I immediately made plans to move back to my home area because I had no real reason to be in that town anymore and didn't even like the town.

It took me a while to get out because I had to sell a house I had bought in the new town, but I focused ALL my energies into looking to the future and not the past. I couldn't change what happened (he betrayed me as happened with you) so why waste time doing anything but moving forward and not wallowing in the past.

I felt 100% better when I moved and got on with my life. You need to do the same. There is NO excuse for staying where you are. You can transfer to another program back in your home town or somewhere else. Even if you lose a semester or two in the process, so what? It is worth it to get you out of this hole you are in. And if you have to, store your stuff and move in with your family or friends until you find a new job.

Right now you are romanticizing the past and her and raking over memories of her and your life together, but that is as dead as yesterday's newspaper so you need to stop focusing on her and the past and start focusing on YOU and the future. The quickest way to do that is to throw your energies into moving back to where family and friends are and to your own culture where you can easily assimilate back in and continue your life and looking for a new girl.

Google 'thought stopping' and start practicing it. She's just a ghost in your head and in the past at this point, and you need to align your thinking with that and stop giving her so much air time in your head. You need to center your world around something else other than her, because she is just a ghost in your head at this point as far as you are concerned. Time to evict the ghost from your head and rejoin the real world!

Thanks for your reply. May I ask how long were you together and how long did it take you to move out of the town and to finally get over him?

Also, how did it go with the "thought stopping"? Did the thought of him manifest more often in dreams after doing that or not?

I'm always looking for creative ideas to overcome the situation I'm in. So I appreciate your suggestion.

Thank you very much for your advices and kind words. What do you think is the reason why some people seem to move on well after, let's say a year, and others have trouble even after 2, 3 or 4 years?

 

Does this mostly have to do with finding another partner? I have the feeling that most people don't really get completely over a person until they find another one. Of course there are always expceptions but I'm talking about the majority.

I don't think finding another partner is the only ingredient to moving on and it is not even essential. The key point is when you definitely would not take them back under any circumstances and once you reach the point where it just stops hurting, you're there. Sometimes you find someone else but if that relationship breaks up, you could be getting over more than one break-up.

As for NC, it's for good. She's with someone else and even if she did come back and say it was all a huge mistake, I would strongly advise you to say a firm NO.

I don't think finding another partner is the only ingredient to moving on and it is not even essential. The key point is when you definitely would not take them back under any circumstances and once you reach the point where it just stops hurting, you're there. Sometimes you find someone else but if that relationship breaks up, you could be getting over more than one break-up.

 

As for NC, it's for good. She's with someone else and even if she did come back and say it was all a huge mistake, I would strongly advise you to say a firm NO.

I wonder if I will ever reach that point. I was too much "into her", since she was my only contact in the country I'm living now. Some days I feel anger, somedays I just feel sad. Last night I dreamt about her again, I was crying like a newborn baby during the whole dream. No wonder why I wake up so miserable every single day.

Yes, I'm trying to program myself to accept that even if she would try to contact me again, I should not open that door. Sometimes I just wish we could be friends, because it's not good to be all by myself thousands of kilometers away from my family, but I simply cannot be her friend, knowing that she's giving herself to another man. It's a lose-lose situation for me. Strenght, wisdom and luck is what I ask everyday for.

I wonder if I will ever reach that point. I was too much "into her", since she was my only contact in the country I'm living now. Some days I feel anger, somedays I just feel sad. Last night I dreamt about her again, I was crying like a newborn baby during the whole dream. No wonder why I wake up so miserable every single day.

 

Yes, I'm trying to program myself to accept that even if she would try to contact me again, I should not open that door. Sometimes I just wish we could be friends, because it's not good to be all by myself thousands of kilometers away from my family, but I simply cannot be her friend, knowing that she's giving herself to another man. It's a lose-lose situation for me. Strenght, wisdom and luck is what I ask everyday for.

I've been where you are but without the complication of being away from home. However, I had to leave my home area to really get the healing process going and it took me a long time. I'm sorry but you have to be patient with yourself. It is still early for you and, yes, I had those dreams, too. You need to build a life that isn't solely dependent on one person for your happiness. Yes, that was another mistake I made.

>>I ask how long were you together and how long did it take you to move out of the town and to finally get over him?

We were very good friends for about 5 years, then in a romantic relationship for another 6 before it blew up (he took up with someone else in another town and was trying to hide it from me and live a double life). As soon as I realized i had to end it and move, it took me another 6 months to get it together and move because I owned a home there. I lost money selling the house because I'd only been in that new location where I'd move to be with him mfor 9 months, but i knew it was essential for me to leave and get on with my life somewhere I wanted to be that had nothing to do with him. It was absolutely the right decision to move and I really felt so much better once i moved and left him and that town and all the reminders it held behind. I heaved a HUGE sigh of relief when i left that town and its torments behind me.

Everyone heals at a different rate. it took me quite a while to really put him behind me because it was such a long relationship, and he kept trying to pop up in my life and wear me down to try to get me to still see him or be 'friends' with him when there was no way I could do that after a betrayal of that magnitude.

Thought stopping was very helpful because it helped break the habit of her and stop obsessive thoughts and ruminating about the past which everyone is inclined to do after a breakup. You'll wrestle with it for a while because it takes a long time for emotions to catch up with rational thought. You may understand logically that it is clearly over and done, but emotionally it takes longer for those bonds to break, which is why they pop up in dreams because your brain is trying to resolve the conflict. But just try to minimize the fantasies of what might have been or what you hoped for (that didn't happen) and also raking over memories of the past and what happened again and again because it will take you longer to heal if you keep thoughts about it active in your mind constantly. You need to do some mental housekeeping to get her out of your head in addition to out of your life.