2 Yr Relationship ends. Urge to contact. Need help.

Hi Guys,

My initial thread was in the breaking up thread - 2 Yr Relationship - She wants a break. Need guidance....

Last night was so tough. Dream after dream. I think I had about 4 dreams in a row and it was hell. Its hell. Worst way to start a day when all you are trying to do is move forward. Move on.

I'm into Day 3 NC and really struggling to hold back from Texting her. Its not a good idea, she has probably moved on.

I want to go 4 weeks NC. I really do, I need it for my healing however I'm sure this could take months if not years and that's what scares me. I can feel it.

I still cling onto hope. I still go through my head the prospect of talking to her in 4-5 weeks and discussing what went wrong and committing to reconciling properly. That is not healthy I know.

I am at work speaking to people and I'm there but not there if you know what I mean. I want to just break down at times.

Knowing she was just here, there to talk to and contact where I needed and listen to her. Knowing I had a girl I loved and was proud off by myside for me and no one else. Now its gone.

Sometimes I catch myself about to call her/text or email her like nothing has happened. Then i have too align my though process to what has happened and it painful. Real painful.

I really hope the psycologist helps on Monday.

A guy gets dumped out in the ocean by her X and then boats away. So this guy is treading water and he sees an island.. complete with food, water, other women all he has to do is swim to shore.. just put in some effort and he can have everything that he wants.

But he has decided that no, he doesnt want that and he is going to tread water for a month and hope his X realizes her mistake and comes back for him because if he moves she might never find him.

Thats how I see your situation.

Your X dumped you, it hurts I know. I think you are using this NC all wrong. You are using it as a tool to get her back. Waiting for 4 weeks then calling her exactly 4 weeks time to get all of your answers is not the purpose of going No contact. What is the point of it if all you are going to do is think about her? No Contact is used for healing, for stepping back from a situation and gather your thoughts, not focusing on what you are going to do in 4 weeks. NC must be used with other means of healing. Putting everything away that reminds you of your X, deleting all of the texts, emails and not looking at her FB.

What you need is an outlet, lean on friends or family. Tell your best friend that if you feel the need to text you are going to text them instead. Quit checking your phone every 45 seconds and as mentioned before, delete the number even if you have it memorized.

Stay busy, get your sleep, eat when you are supposed to even if you are not hungry, get out of the house and be active. Dont dwell.

The break up really did happen, its over and she is not coming back. Thats how you look at it and thats how you move forward with your life.

I agree. you should probably be using this time to focus on you. step back a bit and think & gain a new understanding of yourself and the situation. it serves you no purpose if you remain in the same mind frame that you were in during the relationship. believe it or not this break up happened so you can gain clarity...focus on you... reflect...change. you obviously need to grow a bit , for you. whether emotionally or mentally its best you change your mindset and begin to work on not being so dependent on her for YOUR happiness. she's left you... maybe to work on herself and gain clarity its time for you to do the same. As a woman I know... if she loves you and wants to be with you she'll contact you when she is ready until then you use this time to learn and deal... when and if she returns i promise you she'll be damned if she returns to the exact same person she needed some distance from in the first place. this is an opportunity for you to learn to deal with rejection.

if she doesn't want you, fine. you deserve better and she's not the only woman in the world regardless of the amount of time you were with her. its all about knowing your worth and understanding if someone doesn't want to be with you they wont. I they do they'll come back. its not your job to force or find out if your worthy of their presence in your life. chances are they're not.

best luck, wishes, & guidance to you. focus on only you and you will be just fine..

you'll gain the confidence and clarity you were intended to receive through all of this.

with love, H

When I went no contact, I didn't focus on not talking to him for x amount of days...I focused on not contacting him "today"...because everything else felt too big. Before I knew it, those "just one more day"s turned into several months....and at that point, I had no desire to contact him because I was over him.

One day at a time.

Give her space. Do you have Sprint? You can go online and block all of your outgoing text messages to prevent yourself from texting her. That has really been helping me. Give her what she needs, space. You need it too believe it or not to get a hold of your emotions. Nothing is wrong with wanting your relationship back. Use this time to put attention into yourself and when you two come back together continue to give yourself loads of attention so that if this were to happen again you will be better equipped to handle the pain.

Very similar situation myself. Even had lots of pushing and pulling. The last thing she said is that her feelings for me were still as strong as ever. I'm telling you though, that hope of reconciling has made moving on and recovery 1000 times harder. Realized she is just leaving the door open in case she realizes her mistake. Recently found out she was on a dating site (a week after sleeping with me), and I completely lost it for a week. It showed me how much damage "hope" has the potential of doing, even if the hope seems real, you have to let go.

Please listen to the above posters. They are absolutely right.

Best wishes.

Fantastic. Thank You. A couple of great analogies...

This is what I need to hear.

My energy is being wasted on thinking about our next conversation, what I'm going to say and what I can to do fix this.

It is being wasted on having her on such a pedestal as the most lovable, patient and laid back, motivated and successful girlfriend ever. I am just sinking in guilt, regret and living in the past.

I am unhappy, I'm depressed. I need to accept I am going to feel this way for sometime. I'm fighting the current when I should just be flowing with it.

I just don't want to go out, I just don't want to socialize. Everything reminds me off her and I feel alone even though I am surrounded by people. I'm jealous of other couples and their happiness. Do you just force yourself to go out, feel the pain/depression? Just pretend to be happy?

I'm living in the past. I need to start living in the present. I need to start planning for the future so when I emerge from this storm I will be better placed to just keep progressing. To keep moving forward.

Until I get the rose-colored glasses off and accept it just didn't work out and there is nothing I can do about I wont heal properly.

So true about No Contact, the sooner I just assume its over. If all I'm doing is thinking about her I'm just stagnating. Not progressing, just building the tension and pain in my head. She'll sense the desperation and that fact that nothing has changed. However I shouldn't be worrying about her and the next time I see her. Because I am never going to see her again. She is not going to contact me and I won't her. The sooner I convince myself that the past is the past and that she is not coming back and has moved on the better.

Exercise. That's what I need to do and that's what I am going to do.

Thank you all for your support. I had an urge to msg her earlier today and was actually typing the msg but I didn't msg her. Another day passes....

one day at a time my dear. I'm going through a tough situation myself. my ex & my best friend decided to begin dating behind my back. & since I thought him and I were just on a break the pain and confusion is hard to bare and i got a double dose being that my best friend did this to me...but! I had to sit down and remind myself that they did this because I do not matter to them and who am I to stop my life & dwell over misery for people who do not regard me...people who I loved and would do anything for. that my dear was enough to strengthen me because I know I am of love. I know I didnt deserve such betrayal so I refuse to be hard on myself...i do not blame myself for the actions of others for its a reflection of the kind of person they are... not me.

while some days are harder than other and I miss my ex and I want to see him or just talk to him what has helped is blocking all contact as the above poster said. I've completely blocked them from every contact with me so I can live in peace and focus on my growth and heal healthily. its not about them anymore... when and if they want to talk...feel like they're ready to talk. its about me now. I call the shots. and I choose to exclude them from my world til I've healed myself from the confusion they caused.

I learned through this that it is important to allow yourself to feel exactly how u want... you have the right. understand your emotions but do not become them... observe your emotions only. its not easy. the memories are alive... but its time to create a whole new world.

& as we've been saying... the days will pass. don't force progress understanding and accepting can take as long as you need it to... this is what I'm battling now. you just better make sure its being done healthily... not in a depressed state or self pity. and at the same time realize that there is more to life they are plenty things in life to be happy about to live for to be thankful for. you dont feel like going our right now, fine... but consider getting out and about soon and live life normally. it will help you a lot. soon you'll notice that the grass is greener... the sky is bluer... things you've never noticed before in nature, at home, within ur family/friends will come alive... this is how youll know your on the right road to progress and peace.

we are not responsible for those who choose to walk out of our lives. there is no way you can or should come out on the other side of something like this weaker. give yourself time love yourself take care of yourself. your heart is big and your love is strong trust me you have not lost.

with love, H

What I did to survive the first 2 weeks of NC (I've been just 20 days now, but I don't feel the strong urge to contact her anymore) was to record my own voice describing how bad I felt right after talking to her on the phone. Then, when the time of despair came I would just listen to my own advice reminding me of what a bad idea it was to call her. I had to make a couple of those recordings until I was able to convince myself that it was better to hold the urge.. It's just an idea that I considered it helpful, but you can get creative in your own way and according to your own situation. Another option is to call a friend who you can trust, even make a deal with him/her of of calling them instead of calling your ex. It feels like if you were a drug addict and suddenly they take the drug away from you, the withdrawal symptoms can be incredibly strong. But sooner or later you will understand that getting a bit of the "drug" with texts or phonecalls will not cure your addiction.

Hugs from a fellow sufferer bro.

Everything you wrote sounds exactly how I've handled my recent break-up.

Having dreams about being together? Check.

Being strong for a few days at a time, and then really struggling to not contact her? Check.

Holding off on contacting her for about a month, and then reestablishing communication to reconcile? Check.

Being acutely aware of the void at your side? Check.

Something that I did, when the urge to contact her got too strong, was to write down what I wanted to say to her/text her. It helped me express the emotions I wanted/needed to get off my chest without breaking no-contact. As an "added bonus", it gave me the ability to be able to see how I felt at one week, two weeks, whatever (I dated them), and I can see how my pain, feelings, and emotions have evolved over the couple of weeks. Don't know how helpful that is, necessarily, but it's interesting if nothing else, and it's interesting seeing how my emotions have evolved based on the self-discovery I've made, and so on.

Fck!!!!

I fkd up.

I called her this morning. She works near me, work crew were having lunch near her work so I though I would call and tell her I was popping in.

I did, she saw me awkwardly said she was in appt. I left. I called her to explain myself, just hung up.

I send her a msg.

No reply.

Done. Its oner.

Ok.

I spoke to her that same day, she was in appointments.

She said I sounded better than last week, spoke about a few things.

I did bring up the break up and she said we were still broken up, nothing has changed. She couldnt really talk though cause she was at work and told me to have a good wkend.

Why do I do this to myself? Going against everything everyone here is telling met to do.

Im not going to dragged into the friendzone whilst she finds someone else if she hasnt already.

I keep getting urges to msg her about us, I havent.

Dont want to be taken for a ride. Im vulnerable but i need to see it for what it is. She has complete power, im just going along for the ride.

Time to dissappear for sometime, accept its over. I need to accept its over and stop living in the past....

That's it. I'm done. Its the only hope I have of ever moving on.

NC. Day 1.

Glad you've decided to stop.

I found after the first week, it was better for me to not think about how many days nc. Some people get a sense of accomplishment....but like any new behaviour that you're trying to create a lifetime habit for, I found that when I think, "oh wow, I ran 5 k everyday for the last 13 days, I can take today off" and then it landslides...it works better for me to think "I've been doing so good, I'm going to do it again." It ties in with the one day at a time thing I talked about above. Maybe you're different. Just figure out how your brain works, and go with that.

Good luck on your new start Today is hard. It will be for a bit....but once it's a habit, you'll be good again

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I have made some ridiculous mistakes over the last few weeks including calling one of her friends which she found out about, turned up at her work once and have texted/called her numerous times about how she was everything to me and how I was willing to change. That's its. Thankfully it hasn't become spiteful and she somewhat understands however I think i have pushed it far enough to the point where she said I need to stop and she feels 'suffocated'. I asked her if it is completely over and whether she has moved on or if she is open to reconcile in the future. She say's she doesn't know however she stated my behavior is doing nothing but pushing her away, that I need more outlets and need to keep busy. Based on my readings in this forum i translate it as 'It's over. I letting you down gently. You are scaring me, leave me alone and move on'. I left everything out on the table, I have told her how I felt and that I am aware of the the flaws in the relationship. I have pushed it and I have pleaded. No more.

That's it. I have done enough damage.

All such wonderful advice here that I didn't abide too and therefore my behavior reflects my desperate mental state.

'Words and actions must be congruent'.

I know I shouldn't be counting the days but I sometimes its easier if I have a target in mind. That is 90 days NC.

Over time I am hopeful that it will no longer become about the 'Stay the fk out of her life' battle but more about the natural progression to move on and let go.

I use this as a journal.

My friend, who went through something similar however got back with his ex a year later ( Its a success story however i know its rare, its not what I expect) sent me this :

' Hey I know your having the worst time of your life but it does get better. Also you will experience much more heartbreaking moments in your life. So you have that to look forward too. You're welcome' Haha. Its true.

Just watched this and its given me a little bit of motivation I need to get through today... .

DAY 2 NC.

Another struggle today.

Just feel like i lost something real special. 6 months - 1 year of friendship through work. So many memories, than a blissful 6 months as we move towards 2 years relationship.

Amazing, exciting...friends/family/work colleagues.

2 big overseas trips. Email everyday/speak on the the phone everyday....she's beautiful, smart, a professional and her career begins to progress while mine is now stagnant.

Geezus. I wonder if it is anxiety I am suffering, my whole body sometimes feel's tense. Had a quick cry in the toilets....hardly productive when it comes to work.

Just feel frightened and alone. So alone. Scared of the future without her, scared the memories will burden me for sometime. Scared that I took something so special for granted.

I felt so so last night, a little angry at it all. But just lost, sad and depressed mostly.

Alright, seeing psychologist tonight. Should be interesting, feel like I could break down and cry about it all....

Worst period of the year as well as we head into Summer and holiday season. Its all just fkd.

I need to stick to NC. I just need to NC. So many urges to contact her. So many thoughts of her with other men.

I hope this hell leaves me.

DAY 3 NC.

Geezus.

The dreams do hurt, they really do.

Another 4:00a.m. wake up and hardly any sleep so had to take the day off work. Unfortunately spent most of the day just pacing and thinking about what our next conversation would be(Extremely unhealthy I know). However it has taught me I have energy to burn, I have to keep moving so exercise it is!

I did see a psychologist last night, she was alright. She didn't spend a lot of time on the relationship as such but more on the anxiety that has followed and how to handle it. I guess it makes sense, there is nothing I can do about the past I am aware of where things went wrong on my end. I have committed and made it clear to my ex that there are things I am willing to change however she has completely withdraw from the relationship blaming me for a heap of things. I need to let go off both the guilt and her.

Anxiety relates to letting my wander on all the good times and the feelings associated with that, the mistakes I made, the doubts that I will never find someone like that made me so happy,comfortable or attractive as her, dealing with the thoughts of her with someone else and whether or not this will define my life now that I am 30. I dont want this to effect future relationships, I dont want to compare any women in the future to my ex. Will this destroy me. Just ugly, mind numbing thoughts.

So I am taking Rhodiola (Anyone else taken something like this?) to ease the stress, and focusing on slow breathing when I do have any panic attacks.

I have never thought that i had depression or anxiety or been medicated before however I do gamble a little and I guess that stems from some type of anxiety too.

So the NC continues, I did go 6 days last week but failed miserably.

The NC provides hope for me that she will miss me but I feel like I have already done enough damage and that she is fixated on the negative qualities of our relationship. Slowly I need to re-adjust my thought process to accept the end of the relationship and understand NC is all about me mourning and moving on as she seems to have done.

I am in the depths of hell and I feel I will be here for months. I need to get past this.

Day 4 NC.

Still so many urges to contact.

I read somewhere you shouldn't track your progress day by day. Rather on a weekly basis.

I just cant seem to move past all the memories we made, it was only a few months ago we were on a month long trip overseas! Thousands spent, met my family. Unreal.

Is it true every relationship is flawed? Is it true everyone is flawed? This was my first relationship. Surely everyone has their vices and part of loving someone is accepting them for their flaws?

Dear me. I understand that this will effect me for sometime, I am embracing the pain however i don't want this to become a burden for me for the rest of my life. I don't want to hold onto this as regret and the failure of this relationship haunt me forever

It's all about self esteem. Its all about confidence. My ego has taken an absolute hammering. It has open up wounds questioning my self worth....

I made some mistakes Post breakup. But I am determined now to at least retain some power. She backed out progressively for a month then only proposed a break/breakup when she was completely withdraw from the relationship emotional so it was clear for her. Why the hell didn't she bring this up earlier?

How long this will last I'm not sure...

One day at a time man. Going through the same thing as you and been over a month of NC and BU. Give her all the space. Focus on yourself rather than think about what's going to happen next. Who knows what the future has for you guys? That's the way I look at it.

My best friend was going through something similar just recently. I told her everytime she got the urge to call me instead. . Anytime, anywhere.

You need an NC sponsor!

Yes true. You never know what the future holds but I just have this feeling she has moved on. She has been thinking about it for sometime and all the negative parts of our relationship is all that she is focusing on.

Initially when we were going to consider a break i reminded her to think about all the things we have done right, the great foundation we had that was based on friendship/time together rather than anything else. And that's why she said she was confused, she knows there were great times however I guess she has been adding up all the things she felt I wasn't doing right whilst she was withdrawing from us which has made it easier for her to move on immediately. Looking back on the month it all makes sense, she was distant and there was no sex and zero affection! Sometimes she was hot and cold and I guess I pulled away a little hoping she would push. She never did.

She is probably speaking with other men, loving the single life!

NC sponser! Haha yes I have my sister, i call every second day and she is reminding me about why it wont work now, that she is 50% to blame as well and that I should really be focusing on me and what I need to do to move forward.

Nothing lasts forever I guess. A harsh life lesson.

Day 5 NC.

Does anyone else get scared about reading these forums about people that aren't over their ex 2-3 years ago? And its all they think about?

Time is supposed too heal all wounds - Why aren't these people moving on?

She is still on biggest pedestal ever. I am hoping that day by day the Pedestal sink's into the muddy ground that surrounds me.

Need to stick to NC. I don't ever want to see her again, I don't think I can handle it.

Facebook and Instagram still down. I probably wont get it all back for another year, at the moment I don't really mind hardly used the thing.

Oh lord, why wont all these memories go away. Why wont the regret and guilt dissipated.

Everyone else is in a relationship and they have someone to depend on and be proud off. I have nothing...so sad. So very sad. Oh, she was just so much fun. Why doesnt she look back and think about all the fun times as well? Or does she has a negative outlook on it all?

Day 6. Wow, another dream another urge to contact. Started to type her number in my phone, thankfully called my sister and didn't msg. Would have ruined my entire wkend.... just got too do all I can to keep myself this busy wkend. I honestly just want to shift some of blame on me back onto her, she said before we went overseas she was thinking about having a chat however she just thought the trip would be great(which it was) and things would naturally get better! Things just don't change, you need to sit down and work on it. She completely withdraw from the relationship than dumped me. I never had a chance. I want to tell her that, but ill stick to NC for now. Everyday is a nightmare.

I wouldn't worry about people that don't get over their exes in years. There are too few of them, otherwise these forums would've been flooded with those stories. Most people move on and forget about forums like this one