8.5 Year Relationship and 2 Months since BU

I have been lurking here for a while and I feel like i've read every post on here even closely resembling my situation. I know what the advice will be and I know that I am weak, but i just needed to get this out.

I am 27 and have been dating my ex since 2006 (ex is now 24). In august, I came by her house after work one day and out of the blue She broke up with me noting that she had lost the spark, wants to be single for a while, is confused, needs to figure stuff out and feels suffocated. She said she had been feeling that way for a month. She did this once before around a month before i was supposed to take the bar exam, but she came back after 3 weeks. During the break up she said she was worried these feelings would come back because the break was so short. Contrary to popular responses, I didn't beg or harass. I told her that i would always love her and that its always going to be her and that I just want her to be happy and that she can call me when she needs me.

We have only spoken a few times and seen each other twice since she left me. She states that she loves me and that she is not trying to abandon me even though it might feel that way. She also wants to be 100% sure if we get back together (which she stated she would like to do "someday"). I honestly dont know if she is seeing/dating anyone else.

I am an attorney, I work out 5 days a week, have been doing jiu jitsu for the past 8 years and have my own friends. She is in her last year of law school, she has had problems with anxiety before and has had some recent family issues. We were in a semi-LDR when were in undergrad/law school (some parts together some not), but made it through that. Now we live minutes apart. I honestly love her and care about her a lot. I gave up a very high paying job to move to be by her, and have had to work to the job I have now. We were best friends and we barely fought.

We are in LC i guess with her making all contact. She professes to love me each time and when we have seen each other, we are very affectionate (like we are dating). She says shes just not ready (whatever that means).

I guess now the initial shock as subsided. I was completely blindsided. I go out to the clubs/bars every weekend and flirt with girls, but I just am not into it. I just do it to kill time and not be alone in my thoughts. I was already working out a ton so I cant work out that much more, especially with work. I also keep a journal which sort of helps.

I am just having a really hard time. I sleep about 4 hours a night. I have nightmares about her. I have a horrible time concentrating. Every morning is like waking up to a nightmare -- just that realization that she is not there. It's such a battle every day to just be functional. I think about her constantly. I miss her constantly. The pain in my chest feels the same as it did on day one; just that sinking feeling. i feel so unstable going from being angry to sad to okay. I just feel like giving up ( i don;t even know what i would be giving up on). I'll be sitting at my desk and i just feel the urge to cry, but no tears come out. I wake up in the mornings and cry sometimes. I hate that.

Does this get better? I read that I should be feeling better by now, but i don't. I am resentful that she could just throw me away and be selfish. I am sad that i don't have my best friend and lover. I am hurt that I am not good enough for her.

It can take a long time for it to start to feel less painful and there is no set guideline. Everyone and every situation is different. It does get better eventually. I don't think that the issue has anything to do with you being good enough, but rather is about her taking some time to step back and find herself as the two of you have been together for a long time, and during core developmental years where one's sense of identity is established. I feel like there will be a positive outcome here, whether you guys end up back together as a couple, or just continue to be very close lifelong friends. You never know what the future holds. Just keep your chin up and put one foot in front of the other.

No, you don't need to feel you should be much improved with your feelings & emotions yet.

You two were in a long term relationship and it will take months to get over this.. accept and let go. It's a process.

Yes, I know... it hurts

When a couple breaks up it IS common to have these drawbacks.. of continuing communications etc, as it can be hard as H*ll to 'let go' so suddenly.

What I suggest you do is work on respecting her choice and back off, totally. Like very low contact to NO contact, so you can work on YOU now.

Work on healing & accepting things. It's NOT easy to do while you're still communicating, etc. That'll just hold you back and you'll keep up with these many emotions & confusion.

What you're experiencing.. the dreams etc. Is anxiety. I experienced that hard last year and needed some therapy and med's to calm down a bit, work on eating right again, etc.

This is al as reaction to this mental/emotional blow you've experienced.

Remember, it all takes time.

Meanwhile I do suggest you continue on your own and spend another few months alone. Don't go searching for a rebound. That can be even more painful in the end and will not help you out at all.

It is time to focus on you....

So, take it all one day at a time... crying is normal. YOu're broken. Maybe try some journalling? I've done that after break ups. Put all of my feelings down on paper.

Take it easy... one day at a time. It all takes time.

tc

Thank you for the encouragement and replies.

I guess the best I can do is give it time. I read all the dumpers become dumpee threads and I wished that would happen.

However thinking back on these feelings I feel disgusted with myself. I don't wish these feelings on anyone, particularly my ex. I don't want her to be miserable.

I guess I fear that I will get to a point where I no longer love her and the difficulty is making yourself do that when all I want to do is give her love.

She doesn't know how horrible it's been. Ive never let on to her just how destroyed I've been. I have always been a doer and fixer. It's just so hard to do nothing. That's just against what I've done my whole life when a problem arises.

I know I'll be told to be selfish but it's so hard to change that fundamental trait of mine to want to sacrifice a little for someone else. I also recognize that it's selfish of me to want her to come running back even if she isn't ready.

I apologize for the stream of consciousness and please don't think your advice has fallen on deaf ears. My head knows that you are both right but the rest of me won't listen. I've always had a plan and direction and I mortified of this uncertainty.

Of course it gets better, man! It's a long road, however. Also, nothing happens out of the blue, especially with women that leave relationships. I, too, thought my breakup was semi-haphazard, but i can see so clearly now how she was slowly pulling away from the relationship. Clear your thoughts out and, with your attorney-mind, look back at your relationship, as if you were a third party and evaluate both of you.

Work on yourself. This is a great opportunity for some growth! Do things you haven't done before, enjoy something you have given up on while in this relationship. Basically, find yourself pre-relationship, but make yourself a better copy this time.

Good luck!

It's okay, Lost... I understand. The heart vs the mind.

Yes, it's all very confusing, emotional etc.

This is why we say take it all in slowly. You're trying to adjust to the 'changes'. Change isn't easy.

This link might help you a bit...

link removed

There's a lot on the net to help you along with understanding on how to work on dealing with this hard part in your life right now. Good luck tc

>>She doesn't know how horrible it's been.

I'm sorry.. it is very painful when you get together as young as you did and then break up. BUT the good news is you are young and have plenty of time to meet someone who does want to be with you and who will appreciate all you have to offer her. I think your problem is that you started out when she was just 16, so she never got to experience single life or other men and feels she is missing something.

But it is very important that you focus on YOU now and what is right for you. This option she thinks she has to go out and play with other men and date them and experience life while you wait patiently for her return is NOT an option you should give her. You're not a toy to be taken out and played with when she is in the mood, but meanwhile she tosses you on the floor and runs off when she's not in the mood or wants to chase something/someone else.

I know it is hard, but you need to cut her off completely. And the first thing you do is be true and honest with yourself and her. She may be perfectly happy with this arrangement where she gets to play lovey-dovey with you when she's in the mood, but this situation is causing you intense pain, and you need to be able to heal and move on rather than being put on hold indefinitely while your ex runs about and treats you like a security blanket while banging other guys and checking them out to see if she likes them better. You should frankly be ANGRY at her for doing this to you because she is being extremely selfish and thinking about her own needs while not thinking about you and how much harm she is doing to you.

So tell her this arrangement isn't working for you. And that you don't want any contact with her unless she has changed her mind and is going to get back with you again as your GF. And that you fully intend to move on and start dating other women, so her window of opportunity to 'experiment' with being alone and being with other men is very short now because you will not take her back if you have someone else or lose feelings for her in her absence.

Then if she tries to contact you, each time repeat, 'so, does this mean you want to get back together now?' If she says no, then you say, 'well you know my feelings on this and I am not willing to be your security blanket or back up plan while you play at being single. If you change your mind and decide you want me back, please contact me, otherwise you need to leave me alone to heal and move on.'

If you don't want to do that immediately, you can do a variant of that, which is tell her that she has one month (or two or whatever you want to choose) to think about this and decide whether she wants you or not. But at the end of that period, you either get back together, or you stop contact so that you can both heal and move on to new people.

What you need to feel better is to take back your own power, so that she is not totally in control of this painful limbo she has put you in by making you a back up plan and security blanket. You need to be truly free to heal and be your own person rather than letting her back burner you like that for long. She is being fully selfish and thinking only of herself, and you need to protect yourself from that. And you need to be healed and emotionally free to find a new woman to love who actually cares about you enough to not treat you like this. So rather than mourning her like a faithful girlfriend you lost to some kind of an accident beyond her control, recognize that she is making a CHOICE to toss you over to chase other men and is also selfishly leading you on with this 'someday' statements that are keeping you on the back burner. You will be in intense pain as long as you accept this one-down position where she gets to use you to met her own needs while ignoring yours, so you need to recognize that you have more control that you think you do and take back your own power to heal and find someone who does love you rather than worshipping at her feet while she stomps all over you.

I've also seen some cases where if she is faced with the shocking recognition that she doesn't have you as a back-up plan to return to at her leisure, and that she might lose you permanently and can't use you as a security blanket, then she might snap out of it and realizing she is not willing to risk that and come back. But if she truly doesn't care enough about you to risk losing you, then it would never work out regardless and you need to find that out sooner rather than later and quit wasting your heart and time on her.

So have that conversation with her, cut her off, and move on with your life. You don't have to play the role she wants you to play just because she wants you to! You can take charge of your own life and find someone else who does love you.

btw, one other reason you need to do this is lots of people use the 'maybe someday' excuse when breaking up to soften the blow, when they already know they are never coming back. They are trying to wean you (and themselves) off of each other while moving into a new life without you, and they may fully intend to eventually 'convert' you from lover to friend and keep you as a friend if they want to hang onto the support and friendship of someone they've known a long time, but to find romance and excitement with someone new. So she may be slowly and consciously friend-zoning you in hopes of keeping you as a support system and friend even though she no longer wants a romance with you. But she is not being honest with you about that because she doesn't want to lose you entirely, just to lose the romance part, and is hoping that over time you'll adjust be be fine with 'just friends'.

So don't let her use you as a bridge for support while she climbs out of the relationship. If she's going to go, then she needs to REALLY go and not string you along because it is easier for her that way.

Right now you are in limbo which is frankly just torture because you are so out of control in terms of your life and what is going on with her. So you need to dust yourself off and say, 'enough of that, I am not going to let her so selfishly treat me this way, and if she wants to go off with other men/other things, then so be if, but off she will go and she will not be allowed to torture me by trying to keep me on a string. I deserve better for myself, and i will focus on healing and letting go rather than letting her call the shots for how my life will go.'

it is also absolutely NOT a case of you 'not being good enough' for her. She's like a kid who has probably seen something new and shiny and wants to go off and chase it rather than being committed to you and a stable life. She wants to chase the excitement of being single, which is the opposite of being in a settled relationship. So she is rejecting the idea of settling down and probably has spied some new guy that she finds attractive and wants to chase that new shiny thing. If she is immature and chasing the high of new love hormones, nothing you do can compete with that because you are no longer the latest new shiny thing. So this is about her immaturity and needs to chase shiny new things rather than anything being wrong with you. Five years from now she may be absolutely kicking herself for thinking that those new shiny things would be able to replace what you had, but frankly if she's on the hunt for shiny things, nothing you will do will distract her until she matures.

All:

Thanks for the replies. I can see the truth in each of the posts and its what my friends have been saying for weeks, reading it rather than hearing it just had a different effect on me. What lavender wrote just hit me and i lost it. I've always been the type to just bottle everything up and grit my teeth and just get through things, but what you wrote was just so spot on as to what I was feeling i just couldn't control myself. I love deeply, i am considerate, i am loyal and i sacrificed for us and compromised my goals. If i am honest with myself, she didn't reciprocate to the same level and i guess i've known that. My mistake was ignoring what i've known and thinking that she wouldn't take me for granted.

I just hope I have the strength and courage to go through with everything. I consider myself fairly resilient and persistent and this is the first time in my life where I've questioned whether I really have it in me to get out of this hole.

For now, i'll put my faith in all of you that say it does get better, that someone will appreciate me and that there is an "other side" to come out on.

Hi LostSoul, I feel your pain and I am sorry for what you are going through. My ex of over 11 years left me about 4 months ago and it still hurts just as much as when he left in a lot of ways. It takes time, we loved them and I tend to think what kind of person would I be if I could just move on and not be sad. You have to move on the best you can, but you also have to allow yourself time to be sad and get over it to.

I know this would not be what you want to hear but honestly I would let her go. My ex broke up with me at the six year mark, we got back together a few months later and he did it again after another 5 years. I wish I had those five years back. When someone leaves you once take it as a sign and move on. Trust me it hurts even more the second time and I have wasted 11 years of my life with someone who was not really on the same page as me.

I will never, ever take someone back again. In my opinion if someone truly loves you they would never leave. Others may disagree and fair enough as I am coming from a place of heartbreak right now. But truly I think we both deserve someone who would never leave us.

I hope you find some peace with it all soon.

I think you have a few things going on. You are now realizing that you were more into her than she was into you (because when people really feel it, they reciprocate). And you are realizing that since you got together so young and she's had no other experience, the relationship likely is over.

But I think - other than time - there are concrete things you can do to help yourself. One, get into therapy. You need to feel comfortable talking it out and talking about your progress in healing. Two, is yoga. I'd suggest yoga to help you reconnect with your body, get out of your head, and help you sleep better. Three, no contact. Staying in contact with her is sort of unconsciously giving you hope. Four, look for a better job. If you were in a better position before, I see no reason not to strive for that again.

Good luck.

Honey, you will be fine but it just takes time. The heart is amazingly recuperative but it takes time to heal after a blow, so just be patient and kind with yourself and try to take care of yourself.

The really good news is a loyal and loving person such as yourself will have a great relationship and a great life when you do find someone else to love who wants to settle down with you. So it will happen, and it will happen with someone who has no interest in chasing the next shiny new thing, but instead with someone who values your loyalty and love!

I just wanted to put out a little update.

I've slowly been coming around. My firm splurged on this fantastic west coast trip for our firm retreat and it was the first time I felt free. I don't know if it was the distraction of being in a new place, but I just enjoyed myself with my co-workers. I thought about her a lot and found myself thinking that she would have really enjoyed this trip, but I didn't feel sad about it. I went and explored the city on my own and it was liberating.

I just wish I had that high all the time. I've finally been getting a decent night's sleep, although for whatever reason I always wake up at 4 am, but end up back asleep.

I still have frequent times of sadness or anger or anxiety, but it's not as all consuming as it was a few weeks ago. This is an immensely scary time for me.

John Legend did the commencement at UPenn recently and he said "eing in love means being ready to give freely and openly, and being ready to risk something. Risking pain and disappointment, conquering your fears, and becoming anew.

Love is all-consuming -- it infiltrates your body, it's what allows you to experience bliss, joy and true friendship. You'll be more disappointed when something goes wrong. You might fall harder. But the only way you'll reach any height in life and in love is by taking the chance that you might fall"

I just don't know if i'll ever be able to overcome that fear. I took that jump and feel very lucky to have experienced bliss, joy and true friendship, but the fall is hard and long. I question whether after 8+ years if I could ever give someone that again. But I wonder if I'm truly broken as a person.

Please disregard the above rant, I don't even know where I am going with any of this.

Capitalize on the good feelings. You need to start thinking positively. Of course, you'll still think about her for months to come, but you have to persevere and move forward. Find yourself - I know, very abstract thing to say, but see what part of yourself have you lost/forgotten. Focus on those things you've always wished to improve about yourself. Do something new, travel, explore, etc.

Hi all,

I guess i wanted to wanted to stop in an give an update to anyone who is interested and just to get some stuff out. It's been nearly 4 months and I have to say that while it has been extremely painful, I am in a better place than I was when I first started.

After going NC/NIC for a few weeks and speaking to my friends, I was able to see that no matter how much I loved this girl she was treating me poorly. She recognizes that she is selfish but doesn't do anything about it. At first, I used to think that her telling me that she still loved me was a sign that we are going to get back together, but now I sort of resent for saying that. If she loves me, why isnt she with me? I still think about her all the time and have dreams about her. But something is just different. At one point, we had gone out to dinner for my birthday and it was going so well and at the end of the night she said that she still liked being single. At that point, something sort of died in me.

I guess it's acceptance? As the days go on, its not as bad and i feel better. When I do feel bad I just tell myself that she's happier without me; and for me that's okay. I have to tell myself that a lot. On the really bad days, I just try to remember the last 4 months and how she's had the time of her life while i have been miserable and her selfish actions. For whatever reason, I still love her, but its different now in a way that hard to explain in words.

As far as sleeping goes, its been better. I am able to fall asleep but i guess by habit i'm awake at 4 but i'm able to get back to sleep. I've gained about 5 lbs in muscle in these last 4 months. I guess things are looking up.

lastly, I've started to casually date. I was reluctant at first because i didn't want to do anything to ruin my chance at reconciliation. After that dinner, I made a dating profile and I was surprised at the amount of women that actually wanted to hang out with me. I think this has helped me a lot. I haven't found anyone I really like seriously, but its been fun to meet new people and to socialize.

To close and as a small message to the more recent dumpees, this is painful. This is as painful as it gets. What you had was great, but it didn't work. As people we should strive for the stratosphere. Where you were before was fine, but it wasn't the best; if it was then it would have worked. Keep reaching and pushing forward and up. Quoting one of the posters on this thread, just one foot in front of the other. On most days that literally how i survive. Thanks ENAers for listening.

Good stuff, man.

For whatever reason, I still love her, but its different now in a way that hard to explain in words.

I think you love "the her" that she once was, when you were both together. Same here, I still have "something" of a feeling towards my ex, but I don't know if it's love anymore. I do care about her and her well being, but it is different now, nearly six months after the final break-up and 9 since she left the house. I just don't feel like I know her anymore.

Keep on going!

You're doing great. I'm 9 months post breakup, she left me after 24 years together. Left me and our 17 year old daughter. I was broken. But now it's getting better. Time and no contact is the key, as well as staying busy. Funny about your waking up now, I'm the same way. Usually awake at 3-4am now. Mornings are the worst. But definitely getting better.

*journal post/ Rant*

Not really looking for advice, I just wanted to write somethings out -- it's been a long week at work.

Today has just been one of those bad days. I just feel frustrated and wound up. I even went to the gym last night and still the same. I am exhausted by having to be interesting on the dates. I'm equally exhausted by the times when I am forcing myself not to think about where she is or who she's with. I think after 4 months my friends are tired of hearing about this. I don't blame them. They have honestly been awesome, but I'd be tired of hearing it too.

We have been NC for nearly a month and I guess I've learned that I love her. The girls I've gone out on dates with seem really into me and some even want to sleep with me, so its not the lack of companionship that I miss. I've turned them all down (not saying women throw themselves at me or anything like that but i've had the opportunity). Don't get me wrong, these women are great and we have great conversation, it's just not her. It's her companionship that I miss. Perhaps I'm not giving these girls a chance or that 4 months is way too short after a 8.5 year relationship. Maybe i'm still addicted?

I guess my point about tonight is that I'm exhausted. I'm tired of being in this emotional space where its like you are walking around with an airplane on your shoulders. How does someone remain hopeful about love and relationships after something like this? How do people know that I'll find another who sparks me intellectually and drives me crazy physically? Through this whole process I've felt like the loser. When is it my turn to win?

Sorry for the rant; it was just one of those days i guess. I know there are a lot of hurting people and this time of year can be especially difficult, so I sincerely wish you all the happiest of holidays.

Hang in there buddy. it's been 6 months since my fiancée left me saying she wants to be single after dating for 7 years. I don't post much but read a lot and I just want you to know it's ok to have these bad days. I'm having a bad week myself probably due to the holidays etc.

Like you, I've dated a couple ppl and don't feel any sort of connection. I learned that i'm not ready to date anybody seriously right now and I want to take my time and be happy with myself. The right person will present herself when we're ready, that's just how the story goes take good care and try to enjoy the weekend. Thanks for the updates, I follow this thread as it's very close to what I've gone through. Hope to hear you in better spirits soon!!

Don't force it, man. You're just not ready yet. Take it easy on the dating scene for now and do something else just for you. You're doing well.

Thank you all for the replies. Today was just an especially hard day because today would have been 9 years. I really tried to treat myself well today by heading to the beach and just buying some stuff. I thought I could handle today, but it has been hard. This is the first new years day we havent spent the whole day together. I'm sure she doesn't care nor she feel at all bad. I can almost feel her relief that she isn't with me today. She's likely partying her tail off and completely distracted either by her friends or perhaps even a new partner. I just spent today alone. I just didn't want to bring anyone else down with me to start the new year.

I tried to be a good partner and boyfriend, but I know i made some mistakes. I was a doormat. I gave her everything she wanted, often times sacrificing what I wanted or needed. I was complacent. We fell into a routine and it was my fault that the spark died. I work so much and I didn't put the effort to keep it exciting or give us something to look forward to.

Against all the conventional wisdom, I met someone who I've seen casually. Hanging out with this person has only shown me how much I've lost. Sometimes she could just be so selfish, but she has everything I want if I look at it objectively.

I even feel stupid writing this. I'm upset at myself for being overly dramatic about this whole situation. I just can't help how i feel.

in 2015, I just want to truly let her go and find some inner peace.

It's still early and your still hung up on your ex and that's normal. I'm 10 months post breakup today. March 2, 2014 she crushed my world. And it still hurts as we were together 24 years. I am not ready to date and it doesn't sound like you are either. I hope you are staying no contact, as hard as it is it is a requirement to heal. Any small tiny fraction of contact keeps that wound open. Looking at her pics or social media or emailing her or talking will keep her memory too alive. I learned this the hard way. I have had to cut her off 100% which is hard but our kids are older now so they can talk to her if they want to, I don't need to anymore. That just caused pain. So hang in there and let time work it's magic. If it's not working with the gal you're seeing then maybe stay single for now. There are benefits to being single. Takes a while to see them but I am getting more comfortable not being in a relationship and having to compromise on everything. I do what I want when I want.

And don't blame yourself so much even though that's normal. All relationships eventually fall into patterns of complacency. You can't control someone else's decision to end the relationship. Playing the would've could've should've game is normal but really doesn't solve anything. Just learn from your past relationship so your better prepared for the next one. It's tough, I totally get it. Well it's 4am I'm gonna try and catch some more sleep lol, see I still wake up at 3-4 am..just gonna take time...good luck

I wouldn't blame yourself. People don't stay with the LTR relationships that they started in their teens. Before people get married, they have on average at least 3 relationships. The point is that as people grow up, relationships end. There is no need to assign blame - to you or her. It's just how life is as you are figuring out who you are.

Just keep moving. Almost a decade-long relationship could take a year or a few years to get over.

And don't blame yourself so much even though that's normal. All relationships eventually fall into patterns of complacency. You can't control someone else's decision to end the relationship. Playing the would've could've should've game is normal but really doesn't solve anything. Just learn from your past relationship so your better prepared for the next one. It's tough, I totally get it. Well it's 4am I'm gonna try and catch some more sleep lol, see I still wake up at 3-4 am..just gonna take time...good luck

I wouldn't blame yourself. People don't stay with the LTR relationships that they started in their teens. Before people get married, they have on average at least 3 relationships. The point is that as people grow up, relationships end. There is no need to assign blame - to you or her. It's just how life is as you are figuring out who you are.

 

Just keep moving. Almost a decade-long relationship could take a year or a few years to get over.

This. Do not blame yourself. It does take 2 to tango here.