Need some advice - Overthinking?

So here's the story.

I have never online dated before but decided to try it. I started talking to this guy and we agreed to meet up a little over two weeks ago. Our first date was amazing - we automatically clicked, had so much in common, and ended up talking for 5 hours. We went on another date several days later (which he initiated) and then another one several days after that (so three dates in one week). I was having a great time and after a week he told me he wanted me to meet his friends, that he "didn't think I was going anywhere" and that he was excited by our connection. I felt the same. Looking back, I definitely expressed my feelings more, but only because I thought he felt the same but just wasn't as expressive, being a man and all.

We didn't see eachother for a week after that because we were both busy, but we texted everyday which 90% of the time he initiated. We had our 4th date last weekend and spend the whole day together. Things were moving a bit fast. For example we discussed potentially meeting my family, which I started the conversation but he didn't disagree and seemed excited. He also told me he wanted to get tickets for us to go to a hockey game several weeks from now, which I took as a good sign. I've never moved this fast before, but I've also never met anyone I liked this much right off the bat and it didn't feel strange. We left that date in a good place. The next day, he told me that he thought I was becoming more emotionally attached than him and he didn't want to hurt me, and he wanted to end it now. It was very out of the blue for me, which I called him out on. He said he wasn't sure if it was just moving too fast and that scared him, or if something was missing between us. I basically told him that I understood it moved fast but I thought he was okay with it because he went along with it and never said anything, and also that I was sad it was ending but I want to be with someone who wants to be with me, and wished him well.

A day later he told me that maybe I was right and if we slow it way down, he would be open to seeing me again. I decided to give him a second chance because I do feel such a strong connection with him and think we have potential, and we have made a casual date in a few days. However, now I'm really worried things will be awkward and I don't know how to slow it down after we were both moving so fast 2 weeks in. We used to text all the time and we barely do anymore, but I don't want to text him for fear of scaring him away. How do I slow it down after moving so fast, while still keep him interested in me? I'm an over-thinker so this is hard for me, but I'm not sure if I should really let him take the lead on where this goes, or if I should somehow try to regain control. Please help, I really like this guy and want to do things right this time because I honestly believe we could have a future.

Bringing up meeting your family was wayyyyyyy toooooooo soon.

You can't regain control, cause you never had it.

You just need to enjoy each others company and get to know each other. You slow down be becoming less focused on the dating and more focused on having fun on the dates.

I understand, but first of all, try to relax I know how overwhelming it can be, moving so fast. but it also can be scary as hell.

it happens that people have late emotional response, although their rational response was good.

try to go from scratch and take things to first dates and everything, getting to know each other.

also, tell him that his reaction was not ok, he overreacted and made you not trusting him now. which is a problem.

also, in meantime, try to recognize your own timing and balance.

take in mind that he broke it off so easy, he could do that again. just be careful and tell him that. that he has to be certain in his intentions, so you can move slower.

Don't overthink it and keep your composure.

It may help to get back on line and talk to others and see if you can't find someone else who you would like to get to know.

It helps to not put all your energy into one person, especially in a case such as this.

Besides, he will sense a shift in you if you are more centered and not so focused on him and the outcome.

I read once that guys sense when a woman is `trying to land them'. Don't do this.

Live in the moment, have no expectations and just have fun.

Some women have a tendency to go into dating and immediately begin to size up the date as `is he the one?" Men typically don't think this way.

Let things unfold organically and don't overthink it.

Well you both were guilty of going to fast but it happens so don't beat yourself up about it.

You haven't discussed being exclusive so why not keep dating and looking around to see what is out there. Basically the best way to keep your mind off all this other stuff is to meet other people and live your life.

His comment about you not going anywhere could mean a few things. One is that he thinks he has you hooked and he is free to do what he wants and you will tolerate it or it could mean he thinks you aren't going to flake out on him after a few good dates.

The only way to loose control of anything is to allow someone else to dictate things and you willingly follow even when you don't agree. Relationships should be about sharing, not who is in control or who has the upper hand.

Go on the date and think and act like it is your second date but no talking about meeting family, friends, cats or dogs. Get to know him, pay close attention to any red flags and trust your gut. You didn't mention if you had been intimate or not which can change things...

I would bet he expected you to beg him to keep seeing you but when you wished him well and said goodbye it caught him off guard. The way it ended and the way you handled it and on top of that he contacted you for a second chance seems to put a lot more power in your hands than his.

Have fun and live in the moment, things will happen if they are right so don't rush anything.

Lost

It's very difficult if not impossible to go back in situations like this. Whatever you tell him and no matter how 'cool' you play it, he'll know it's an act. Already, the fact that you don't text him just in case you scare him away means that you're not being yourself.

I understand that you felt a connection but I wouldn't be very optimistic about this if I were you. Mainly because what he did was out of the blue and I wouldn't trust him that he won't do it again.

Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it.

We hadn't been intimate because I know myself and that mixes up my emotions and makes me get emotionally invested a lot sooner. While I didn't tell him this, I told him I wanted to go slow physically and he was very mature and agreed to respect my decision. I did however spent one night at his place (which he invited me to do), and he made me breakfast, cuddled, and did couple things. Going slow physically was the only thing we really slowed down, and although I'm glad it didn't go that far, I also wish we had gone slower emotionally.

Again, thanks for your reply. I'm trying not to read too much into things and am just going to enjoy his company in a few days, I guess I'm just nervous after all that has happened this week and am trying to backtrack after going from 0 to 60 over the span of 2 short weeks.

Just take your foot of the gas pedal and coast.

Try to keep as much emotional distance as you can. You guys barely know each other. See where things go and date others. Good luck.

Wow yikes, 4 dates, I assume no sex yet? And talks of family meeting

Sound the stage five clinger alarm

You need to calm down, let things progress naturally and not rush into being an established couple after 2 weeks

I would of disappeared after the date you talk about family meeting... What's the rush

So how did the date go?

It was good, but I could use an outsider's perspective. We had been texting less this wee, I had been waiting longer between texts and also waiting for him to contact me first. It seemed like the less I texted him, the more he would text me, asking about my day, how I was, what my plans were for later etc.

We met up for a casual movie, no dinner or anything. I wasn't expecting him to kiss me or hold my hand after he had said he wanted to slow it down, and I was right. Things didn't seem awkward. We sat outside at a café waiting for the movie and talked for almost an hour, and we were laughing and talking as normal. We saw the movie and I had a good time. We then walked together for a little ways chatting and when we parted he initiated a hug. We had talked about another movie that we both wanted to see and he specifically said "we should go see that other one sometime!" but didn't say a specific date. And then we left and I feel very confused about his feelings. If everything last week hadn't happened, I would have said last night went well and he was going to ask me out again. But I feel like I'm questioning everything now, and not sure if he's interested in a 6th date and I'm overthinking it. What do you think? I also haven't heard from him today yet but I know that he's not a big texter and has a big deadline at work, but I'm waiting for him to make contact because I don't want to place any pressure on him.

This one is out of your hands and it may be helpful to see it that way.

Your post tends to ask what is you should do next and how to make things happen.

Your job right now is to do nothing and to not worry about it.

I know it's hard but it's best if you can redirect some of that anxiety you're having about this.

It's the very thing that can make or break this.

"but I'm waiting for him to make contact"

Get busy with your life. .try to meet others and not be so focused on him and the outcome.

. . .you have no control over this one.

That sounds like it went well and like you said if that going to fast thing hadn't happened you would think things are all good so lets just assume they are until you see or feel something to the contrary.

Do you both have your profiles up online? I would assume so. If you had hid yours then un-hide it and keep seeing what is out there. It is called dating for a reason so keep on going. There could be a guy that is an even better fit for you right around the corner.

There is a thing about staying in contact to often in situations like these. If you are somewhat aloof and don't contact him very often then he is thinking "I wonder what snf23 is up to" or "I wonder if snf23 is still interested" so as you can see he is thinking about you but if you are in to much contact he doesn't have to wonder or worry because he basically knows just about your every move and how you feel about him.

It is my guess that he met another woman as well as you and is dating to see which one he wants to turn all his attention towards. If this is the case please don't get all butt hurt because neither of you owe each other anything at this point. You are free to do the same and you should.

I have been in this situation myself and the woman was really honest with me which was refreshing. I didn't feel the need to compete with the other guy(s) and just stayed who I was and how I was and if it worked out great but if it didn't oh well. In the end I took myself out of the mix as I didn't feel we were a good match.

I would suggest you play it cool, keep looking around like you are not in an exclusive relationship (which you are not) and if someone else seems interesting then go on a date with them.

Keep us posted

Lost

Thank you so much lostandhurt for your reply! I have definitely noticed over the past couple days that the less I text him and more aloof I am, the more he contacts me.

We both still have our profiles online and I'm not sure if he is dating someone else. I have been on one other date in the past week and we didn't click, and as of right now I'm not really actively pursuing anything with anyone else.

He has not asked me out again since our date last weekend, but he currently has the flu and I told him I am away for 3 days this weekend due to Thanksgiving, so I wasn't expecting to see him. But I figure that if he didn't want to keep talking to me, he wouldn't. I'm taking it as a sign he is at least still a bit interested that he has been contacting me and keeping the conversation going instead of letting it fizzle out.

I will keep you posted, and thanks again for your help

Sounds like you guys covered the first six months in two weeks, chica. Sure it scared him off. The way to slow it down is to act ambivalent and that will take the emotional pressure off of him, allowing his feelings to develop along their natural course.

Just a quick update for everyone kind enough to respond

It's been 7 weeks and I'm still seeing this same guy. Things are going really well - I met some of his friends this weekend and we were also intimate for the first time. His friends told me that he never brings girls he's dating around them and that they haven't seen him this happy in a long time. He hasn't met any of my friends yet but I really like him and if things keep going well, I would like to introduce him in the next couple weeks or so.

I know he still wants to continue taking things slow, which is totally fine with me. I asked him if he was seeing anyone else and he said he hadn't been on a date since the first time he met me, but that he has occasional conversations with girls on the online dating app we met through. Although I'm not exactly jumping up and down about that, he told me that they are only conversations and I trust him. I also realize that he has every right to do that because we aren't in an official relationship. Even though he isn't seeing other women, and he told me that he doesn't wish to, I was kind of hoping he would bring up the subject of being exclusive but I don't want to pressure him, so I'm going to let him bring it up when he's ready.

I guess my question is, what is the difference between talking about being exclusive and talking about being boyfriend/girlfriend? I've always jumped from a couple dates to a relationship previously, so I'm genuinely just unsure of the steps that go towards eventually being in a relationship (with this guy, or with guys in general). And also, I know it depends on the two people, but what's a suitable time frame to be exclusive? Or is him saying that he hasn't seen anyone else since he's been dating me imply that we are exclusive?

Again, thanks everyone for your help

I asked him if he was seeing anyone else and he said he hadn't been on a date since the first time he met me, but that he has occasional conversations with girls on the online dating app we met through. Although I'm not exactly jumping up and down about that, he told me that they are only conversations and I trust him. I also realize that he has every right to do that because we aren't in an official relationship. Even though he isn't seeing other women, and he told me that he doesn't wish to, I was kind of hoping he would bring up the subject of being exclusive but I don't want to pressure him, so I'm going to let him bring it up when he's ready.

If he didn't really wish to see other women, he'd have no reason to use a dating app to chat. There are hundreds of sites for that purpose.

In my opinion, 7 weeks is enough time to know if you want to exclusively see someone...and, no matter how he disguises it, he doesn't want to be exclusive with you.

I appreciate your reply missmarple, but I honestly don't get that feeling from him. Because we decided to slow it down after things went too fast in the first two weeks, I don't think it's been past a certain amount of time that he would want to be exclusive. He took me to meet his friends, which he never does, and he is very affectionate in front of them as well as holding my hand/kissing me in public. In my eyes, that seems to point towards the fact that it is leading towards exclusivity in the near future. I guess more my question was, if we both know we aren't seeing or sleeping with other people, does there need to be a talk about being exclusive, or does this mean that we already are. Thanks again

I guess more my question was, if we both know we aren't seeing or sleeping with other people, does there need to be a talk about being exclusive, or does this mean that we already are.

No, to me it doesn't mean you are. It could simply mean 'I haven't met anyone else recently that I'm interested in seeing/sleeping with'...not 'I only want to see/sleep with you'. There's a difference.

"I asked him if he was seeing anyone else and he said he hadn't been on a date since the first time he met me, but that he has occasional conversations with girls on the online dating app we met through. Although I'm not exactly jumping up and down about that, he told me that they are only conversations and I trust him. I also realize that he has every right to do that because we aren't in an official relationship."

You are right. He does have every right to handle his affairs in a manner that suites him. Kudos that he's been honest with you and it does sound like things are going fairly well.

BUT. .

What works for you?? The fact that you are here talking about this tells me you are uncomfortable with the situation. I have learned to state my personal values without asking anything from a man. I let them know as much as I like them I am not very good a casual sex and I prefer to wait until I feel that there is some potential for something more meaningful. Until that time we keep it light and continue to date and have the option of meeting others if we wish. (I don't say it in those exact words. . but the message is there)

I also mention that I respect wherever he is at in his life and whatever works for him but for me, I save being intimate with someone until which time we would agree that we aren't `shopping' at the same time.

A guy who likes you and recognizes what he has in front of him will respect you for speaking up. He knows you have some self respect. It's not to be confused with labeling it as a committed relationship. . it's more of 'lets put shopping on hold' and see if there isn't something special here. . both sides have the option of walking at any given time.

Trying to get a commitment the other way around works sometimes. .but often is leads to a lot of misunderstandings and ultimately compromising yourself.

I recall your first post where he got a little spooky and backed off. I can only imagine that you may concerned to push the issue.

. . Came back to share a story. I dated someone once for a couple months and when he stopped logging on for several days I took it as a sign that he was more invested than maybe he was. Everything else was going well and because of these things I made an assumption and slept with him. The following day he logged on.

After giving it a lot of thought, I called him calmly the next night and told him I had made a mistake, after all it was my mistake. No one made me do it. But I shared with him the reasons behind why I had decided to sleep with him. I also told him he did nothing wrong.

When he reacted rather defensively, I kept my composure and said I didn't think it was a good idea that we see each other again. A week went by and he had taken down his profile and called me and wanted to continue seeing each other.

I don't recommend doing this for a desired effect. I honestly didn't expect to hear from him again. But I think ultimately he respected that I was being true to myself. Now I somehow find a casual way to infer it early on, before either of us are invested. Only one has bolted so far, but it he was just looking for hookups anyway.

Thanks for your post reinventmyself, you've made some points that have given me a lot to think about Maybe him talking to other women makes me slightly uncomfortable because I'm not doing the same, although like I said, that doesn't mean what he's doing is wrong. He's a very honest guy which I love, and I trust him enough that I know he wouldn't deceive me. I had told him pretty early on that I wanted to wait until I felt the moment was right to sleep with him, for the reasons that I don't handle casual sex well and also I wanted it to mean something with him. He completely respected that and after 7 weeks, I felt the time was right (this was also the longest I've ever waited in a new relationship).

I think you're right though that I am concerned to push the issue after he got spooked the first time. We have had a very good and honest talk about what happened, and he has done everything since then to show that he is happy with me and the pace we are going. We are very open with eachother, get along very well, like I said he is affectionate in private and public, told me that he trusts me and hasn't felt this way in a long time..but at the same time, I know he is still easing into it for the reasons that he has been single for 3 years and his last relationship was 4+ years and quite serious. I'm fine with taking things slow and I know that physically he is only with me, but how do I do bring up the topic of not "shopping" with anyone else while we explore this without coming accross too strong or like I want him to be my boyfriend asap (because that's not the case and we have discussed that we aren't ready for the relationship talk - it hasn't even been 2 months yet)

Haha on the other hand, it's entirely possible that I'm way overthinking something that is great and I should just be thankful I'm seeing a great guy and continue to see where things go.

its all about what you are comfortable with. . .

I tend to think my own comfort trumps theirs

Thank you so much again, your words have really helped me figure out what I want. I completely trust that he is not dating or physically involved with anyone else like he says, but I need to talk to him about "shopping" with other girls if he does in fact only want to be with me. At this stage, I feel comfortable enough with him to bring my concerns to his attention and go from there. When he mentioned it to me before, I played it very cool and shrugged it off because I didn't want to pressure him, so it could be that he thinks I'm okay with it and I'm doing the same. I don't know. But I do know that I need to communicate my feelings Thank you again. He's a special guy, and I don't want to lose him.