Advice please - catching up with mutual friends this weekend.

Hi everyone

I would love some advice as I feel like I can't really talk to those around me or they try their best but just want me to be happy so they change the topic etc. I need advice from people going through the same thing as me.

Many of you might already know my back story but a short recap. My ex and I were together 11.5 years. He left as he decided he still did not know if he wanted to get married or have kids. News to me as we had discussed it, spent 18 months saving a house deposit, were looking at houses together. Anyway, we have been apart for almost 4 months now. NC apart from a text message and an email he sent me both to which I did not respond. The email was over 2 months ago now.

I am catching up with two mutual friends this weekend. The first time I have seen anyone we both know since the breakup. I am quite scared about this. I have found this week really hard, not sleeping,crying some nights, just really down. I am not sure if it's because this catchup is making me think about him more.

I am so worried they are going to tell me some news that is going to set me back. I really do not want to know if he has moved on, how he is doing etc. I do not know how to act. I am not planning on asking any questions about how he is doing etc. I have been going NC to heal and I don't really want him to know how I am but I am sure it will be passed on in some way.

I thought I would just focus on telling them about how I am doing, my new job etc. I am keeping busy, getting on with life. I do not want to come accross as a cold though as I still love this man but I know I need to move on.

What is the best way to handle this? I am pretty fragile at the moment. I want to try to protect myself as much as I can and not put my healing back. I am struggling so badly with the fact that after 11 years we are not even speaking. That he can just walk away and that he did not love me in the way I thought he did so its is a hard time for me. The hardest in the four months I think as its all becoming very real.

These girls are lovely though and would never intentionally hurt me so what is the best approach to say upfront that I do not want to know how he is doing? I would love to get their perspective on the breakup and their advice given they know him well but I also do not want it to get back to him. Or do I just not worry what gets back to him and just be myself and know whatever he thinks does not matter anyway.

Has anyone been in this situation and can help?

I dated a girl for ten years and we ended up breaking up, we dated my entire twenties, similar situation, were going to get married but fell apart. I found that eventually your mutual friends will chose a "side" and you'll lose the ones that didnt know you first, generally. You were together a long time, it's going to take a lot of time to heal but sounds like your doing well and have a plan. I would see the friends, not bring up the ex. If they bring it up, just say you don't really want to discuss it because its an unpleasant topic for you right now, that should shut them down politely. Because they are mutual friends its very possible anything you do say will get transmitted, so it's good not to talk about it, I agree. I would be careful about opening up to them, I remember being in that position and it was pretty easy to get sucked into a long conversation about the ex, so having a plan before you meet with them makes sense. Be careful not to drink too much while with them too. Think about some pleasant topics you would like to talk about with them, drive the conversation more than you would normally, that'll help too. Eventually this won't be a big deal and it isn't now really either but I find these potentially high stress meetings can be made easier by doing a little planning. I wish you the best and you will be fine and move on, just need some time.

These girls are lovely though and would never intentionally hurt me so what is the best approach to say upfront that I do not want to know how he is doing?

Exactly like that. If you feel the topic is imminent, preclude it by saying that you hope he is doing well but don't want to hear any updates on him. If it's that urgent, he can reach out himself.

Thanks so much for your advice guys. I caught up with them and weirdly enough that have not seen my ex since we split. So they had nothing to report about him which was good I guess in terms of not setting me back.

I realise that people just really do not understand your pain. I sat down with them both and the first thing once of them said to me is "so have you met someone new" and "are you on tinder"? I find it so weird that people would think I could just move on when it has been 4 months after 11 years. They did not even really ask if I am doing ok or coping, people just expect you to get on with it and want you to be happy. And I hate hearing "you seem to be coping really well". That really gets to me. Just because I am not crying at the table when I see people does not mean I am not falling apart inside. No-one bothers to ask how you are as you seem okay.

It was also very weird seeing them both without my ex there, it reminded me just how much I miss him. And at the end of the night both their partners turned up and it was so different to how it used to be when I was also a couple. I just do not know how I am supposed to just move on from this. I still love him so much and I just keep thinking this is all a bad dream. I am finding it so hard to accept that I actually need to move on in time. I cried all the way home in the car driving home.

My life has changed so much, I am so sad and lonely and everyone's lives just go on. I feel like no-one understands, like unless I am crying or something people just assume I am okay. I found myself being quiet and times last night missing him so much, dying on the inside but no-one would know. This really sucks and I still love him so much. He is still my favourite person in the world. I know too much has happened and we will never be together again and he has hurt me too much, but I still find it so hard to really try to let it go. I do not know how to let go of all the dreams I had for us, the future I expected. And being single is so lonely and foreign to me still.

Time.

For some reason I thought of the movie Ghost the other day, the scene where they are doing pottery and a song comes on playing. It's called "Unchained Melody" by Righteous Brothers. beautiful song, but might make you tear up, so listen at your own risk

Try to keep busy and continue your NC routine. I'm finding it a lot easier to cope since starting it. Her name gets mentioned by my friends here and there, as we have a few mutual friends, and that does set me back into the memory lane, but I have to keep going. Whatever was is no longer. Keep reminding yourself that, no matter how hard it is.

My life has changed so much, I am so sad and lonely and everyone's lives just go on. I feel like no-one understands, like unless I am crying or something people just assume I am okay. I found myself being quiet and times last night missing him so much, dying on the inside but no-one would know. This really sucks and I still love him so much. He is still my favourite person in the world. I know too much has happened and we will never be together again and he has hurt me too much, but I still find it so hard to really try to let it go. I do not know how to let go of all the dreams I had for us, the future I expected. And being single is so lonely and foreign to me still.

Your life has changed – a lot – and it's ok to spend some time mourning that. You've effectively suffered a bereavement, of your ex, the relationship and then also the part of you that existed when you were with your ex. It's ok to feel sad, and considering how recent the breakup was it sounds like you are doing really well - so congratulate yourself on that.

The thing you need to try to focus on and which will come back over time (and unfortunately not as fast as you would like) is that everything good that you got out of the relationship is something that "single you" is capable of and that originally came from within you. You will be happy again, and once you have healed you will be able to find a relationship that gives you everything you want, but it will take time to get to that place.

Letting go takes time, and as time passes you'll re-find the single you. Don't expect to "go back" to how you were before the relationship, that you doesn't really exist any more, but you will find the new, awesome, single you who has learned a lot and is just as strong as capable as the old you, but has a lot more to bring to your next relationship. None of this is a linear path, but you have the strength to walk that path and make it out.

On the friends thing... My experience with my ex has been that our truly mutual friends have either "picked" as someone above mentioned, or they have done a great job of re-establishing individual friendships (I assume with her too, I have no idea...). It is definitely a transition phase for them too, and they probably feel awkward and not sure what to say or do either. I never really found a non-awkward time to do the whole "I dont' really want to hear about the ex, but I'm excited about our friendship" disclaimer, but you can try that if you want.

Weird as it sounds, you might find a new depth and dimension to your friendships as "single you" even though right now it feels like a scary place to navigate filled with ghosts of your old relationship.

Good luck and don't be afraid to feel sad for a while, you have suffered a pretty traumatic event.

^ something that has struck me just now. dumpees are actually left in a much better (potentially) position in the long-term. they (we) have a chance to truly discover what went wrong and work on ourselves, so that we become better and not repeat the same mistakes.

dumpers, on the other hand (and this is an imho) don't get that opportunity. they decide that you're not it and go after the next best thing. they may even feel like they made the wrong choice, but by then, it's more likely too late. those that quit relationships that could've been salvaged go on to repeat the same mistakes, as they search to please/find what's missing.

once again, just my opinion.

To be fair, babydoll, when was the last time they saw you? If you called them soon after the breakup crying then I am sure they would have asked how you are doing. But if there had been a long silence, then the perception could be different.

Thank you RMV84, your post was really helpful. You are right, I have suffered a bereavement. It is almost like he died given that we have not seen each other since we left. And the fact that he chose to walk away hurts even more. In so many ways I know I am doing well. I get on with life, go to work, to the gym, hang out with friends etc and I only really cry when I am home alone and it is not for very long really so it is not like I am falling apart.

And I would not want to go back to the person I was before I entered the relationship anyway. I was 19, so I was very immature compared to now. But also I want to use this as a learning curve. I want to make a decision to have a good relationship this time and not just fall in to one with the next person I meet and try to make it work. The pain is so immense when a relationship ends that I feel like it is only worth entering in to a new one if it is worth the pain in the end if that makes sense. I will not settle for someone who does not meet all of my needs next time. I do not expect them to be perfect, but I want us to be on the same page about the big things, someone who communicates well. They are things I probably never had with my ex that I know are very important.

Thank you, it really helps to have someone tell you it is okay to be sad and that you have been through someone big. I know that seems silly, but it is nice to have people who understand and have been through heart break as well.

^ something that has struck me just now. dumpees are actually left in a much better (potentially) position in the long-term. they (we) have a chance to truly discover what went wrong and work on ourselves, so that we become better and not repeat the same mistakes.

dumpers, on the other hand (and this is an imho) don't get that opportunity. they decide that you're not it and go after the next best thing. they may even feel like they made the wrong choice, but by then, it's more likely too late. those that quit relationships that could've been salvaged go on to repeat the same mistakes, as they search to please/find what's missing.

once again, just my opinion.

This is a great post sky and I totally agree with that. I can not comment really on how my ex is handling it all but I am quite sure he would just be doing things to dull the pain. I doubt he will really try to learn and grow from this. I am determined that this horrible patch of my life will not be in vain and that I will come out it a happier, healthier and stronger, more empathetic person.

I have five self help books I have bought and I am reading. I am trying my best to discover my role in how it ended, work on my self esteem issues etc so I know I can only come out of this a stronger person that I was before. Thanks again so much for the post.