Inspired to give up

Long story short, I've been 100% NC for 34 days since I was blindsided with an unexplained breakup out of nowhere. I'm older, there's a bit of an age gap, ex just left for college, but I sincerely believe in the depths of my soul the love we shared was real and it wasn't just a fling. Anyway, the point of this post is to help me process my emotions, not to speculate on the legitimacy of what was; I feel it was legitimate, I'm alone now, I have to deal, and that's all that matters.

I do want nothing more than to reconcile, but that's completely out of my hands.

While dealing with my emotions being all over the place (the first 19 days were a blackout cryfest; my first and only day of not crying was the 26th day of NC; it took a solid month with constant exercise and seriously ramping up the hobbies to feel normal in moments that gradually expand)... I thought about writing letters. All kinds of letters. Sad letters, angry letters, more angry letters, but I never did. My best friend suggested I write a letter and send it, and I've had the feeling I knew I would--but I never took any of my impulses seriously because the pain has clearly made me insane and I've been an emotional train wreck. The point of NC is to get me back to a point where I can open my mouth without sounding like a raging idiot... which I can't, yet, hence NC. It really does save the dignity.

I've read everything I possibly could on these forums, all kinds of books, whatever. I felt inspired to write a real letter, a new kind of letter, one I could still sleep at night after sending.

Some people say (and it's debated) to announce NC once, simply, with no expectations, and to mention that the door is open. I did say that the door was open when we broke up, but that was an insane day and I feel like reiterating it once might be a good idea. I went NC instinctively after the bullet to my heart. I don't EVER want to be his friend and will never settle for that; however, I don't want him to think I hate his freaking guts. We're both extremely... final people. So I feel like this could be an important part of future relations.

In my letter, I want to write simply three things:

1) The door for communication is always open (see above)

2) I forgive him. I understand that he did what he had to do and I don't blame him for it--adding that I need to say this to him FOR ME, because it's true. I need to vocalize this to finalize moving on. I feel 100% like if I write this, I will stop obsessing over whether or not he'll realize what we had was cosmic and just let it rest. Maybe he will, maybe he won't, no more freaked out nervous energy on my part.

3) This is the one and only communication he'll ever receive from me, unless he initiates.

Signed something like I wish you well and thanks for the memories.

Even if he's not in touch for years... this is just really what I want to say. I'd like to leave it at a non-invasive framework for a reconciliation, should he ever come around.

And really. I would stop worrying. It would be the act of letting go. Part of me wants to send it NOW because of this.

Another part of me says STAY NC and reevaluate around Thanksgiving--he'll be home, which is the only 100% foolproof time to ensure he gets the letter, and it will be three months of NC by then. Maybe a better time to send.

I guess this is me just processing the fact that I can't really do anything.

I don't know if I should really send the letter or not. But I thought I'd talk about it here. I like the idea of vocalizing to him that he is forgiven and I've let go (like when it's spoken, it will be real, manifested), but another part of me is skeptical and thinks my brain might be trying to trick myself into breaking NC and saying anything.

I wrote out the letter and stuck it in my drawer. That much made me feel better, anyway.

If I did send it, there would be zero expectations of any response--and this I can say to myself honestly. All the other more emotionally driven stuff I entertained writing, I knew that was just me gassing off. This could be a great act of letting go. I've been reading a lot of that Imago stuff.

Thoughts? Thanks in advance.

The more you focus on something the bigger it grows in your mind and this is true with anything in life.

You've come so far since the break up and I'm proud that your exercising and improving yourself for yourself and not for him your going about things in the right way.

Sending this letter will do nothing in your healing except open up a small curious little hole of did he get the letter, did he read it, I wonder what he thought about it etc etc which will only damage your healing.

There is no need to care what he thinks as he isn't a part of your life anymore, you can't try to begin to understand his thoughts and reasons behind his actions as you are not him.

That chapter of your life is closed now, why spend so much of your energy on someone that left you and isn't in your life. Closure and forgiveness comes from within and not from him.

Trust me when I say this actions speak louder than words and he will see right through your letter as your still longing for him.

Stay NC and realign your mental thinking not to worry about what he feels about you or is thinking as he can think whatever he wants about you, you can't control that. What you can control though is your thinking and what you want! Focus on that.

Freedom comes when we let go of what no longer serves us. He no longer serves a purpose to your life and is not enriching your life.

It sounds like your In tune with your emotions and will be fine in time. Stay strong and stay NC.

Thank you for taking the time to read through all of that. I woke up suspecting something similar... NC all the way. The only vague bit of comfort that I have is I really did feel better in a month's time--this makes me look forward to next month (and finding anything to look forward to is helpful!).

At least I can pat myself on the back for not acting out impulsively, I suppose.