4months NC, why am I starting to hurt more lately??

So me and my ex broke up about 4 months ago. It was a mutual break up, it was needed. Our relationship was very toxic and very unhealthy. We were together for about 2 years. For the past year we fought a lot, about everything. We lived about 2 hours away from each other so we weren't able to see each other all the time. I was so in love with her but things started to go down hill, I knew it wasn't going to work out, no matter how hard we tried.

I've done the whole NC thing since day one of the break up. I changed my phone number (it was that bad), deactivated my Facebook for a while. I still to this day haven't looked her up on social media, but for some reason, I can't move on. I still think about her every single day. Yesterday I cried...I really broke down for about an hour and just felt so low, as if it was day 1 again. I see, and hear things that remind me of her and my heart just breaks all over again. I think about her laugh and smile...Places we used to go together, talking on the phone, all that stuff...It tares me up inside. I know people say all you have to do is just stop thinking about them, get them out of your head, but how??? I just feel so lost sometimes, I get lost in my feelings and I hate it, I know I'm not the only one going through this so if anyone has a recovery story please, I would appreciate the advice. I feel crushed having this person out of my life but I know it wasn't meant to be. I can't help that think she's with someone else already and that breaks me! I wouldn't dare check up on her know, because I know that could leave me hurting even more. Also, my birthday is coming up next month and I can't help but think she might write a message to say happy birthday on Facebook. I don't have her blocked because I don't want to see her profile. I wouldn't write back, I don't think...but damn, all these thought are just driving me crazy

Also, THE DREAMS

I can't help but keep having these damn dreams where everything is great, and in the dreams I forget that we are broken up, we are so happy and things are great...then, I wake up, and reality kicks in, and kicks in hard. I get depressed again. Why does this have to happen? It's like a constant reminder that I have a broken heart. I guess I just really need some advice on how to truly be happy without this person in your life anymore. I don't want the sadness to take over my happiness anymore. I don't want to obsess over her or what she's doing or even if she thinks about me anymore. I would appreciate any advice from you guys.

Similar situation with my birthday coming up and on that day, we were meant to go to a wedding show to plan for our wedding. Also my cousins wedding is next weekend. Now I'm not going to either of them. Can't face it. You described exactly how I feel. I do feel for you and will follow this thread to see what advice you get. All I can say is be a little selfish in what you do, don't worry about looking after everyone else. Sometimes I pretend he is there and talk to him. I think a bit of his spirit does remain with me. Maybe a bit mad, but diffuses things for me. Also accepting I loved him but could not be with him helped.

It's comforting to know I'm not the only one feeling this way, I do wish you the best of course and like they all say, time heals all...

It is going to be hard once the holidays come up, I mean, at least I think it will be, hopefully all that will change.

Honestly what really kills me the most, is the memories, anything can set it off. It hurts really bad, like really really bad...Sometimes I still can't believe it's over...Like the whole relationship was a dream/ now a nightmare. It sucks.

I am so glad I registered on this site...because now I see I am not alone in the same situation. You wrote everything what I have been experiencing lately in my life. Let me tell you, my situation is much more crazy...seems like. Maybe my story will make you feel a little better..I hope I have been in relationships 3 years. It hurts when I write about it, but other wise I won't make my point. I am from Ukraine..He is American. I divorced with my ex because of HIM..left my stable life...I still cannot explain what exactly happened...we met and I fell in love while I was married. I couldn't help to resist my feelings to a new man in my life...Such relationship happen only ONCE in life. Well, do not want to bore you with all the detalis, but as a result, I got divorced and started to live with my boyfriend. I never felt so loved before in my life...he treated me like a princess...turned his life upside down...But things started to get bad..I was feeling bad for divorcing...GUILT just ruined me inside...I was blaming HIM for everything...( of course deeply inside I knew It was my choice to divorce), but I just needed HIM to blame...He was very patient, but I was tearing him apart...I started to question my ex-marriage...Anyway, I went back to my ex-husband and returned back to my boyfriend...Like 10 times back and forth. ..between two men. It ended the way I was afraid...nothing worked out for anybody...me, my boyfriend, my ex-husband...When I lost everything, I realized that I loved my boyfriend more than anybody in my life...unfortunately, it was too much pain for him and we broke up... Last time I saw him was a month ago...It has been the most painful month of my life...I had no idea love can really hurt so bad...We haven't talk..Total NC...I cannot sleep, eat, focusing on my everyday's life..I keep saying to myself It will get better, but WHEN??? I do not talk to anybody...I had an account on link removed and he also had it. A few days ago I log in to check if he was active...Sure he was...I was frozen when I started to think that he already thinks about other women, even though he told me how much he loves me and I am going to be his only woman for the rest of his life. It is very painful. I also keep thinking he is dating someone else. My advice would be only to think about all the best things you did for your ex??? You have to praise yourself for giving your ex your love...try to stay focused on the fact that there is going to be someone else special in your life who will want all your qualities in her life.... I heard it helps...And, please, DO NOT CONTACT...you were able to do for 4 months, it should get better...I am with you...

Our situations are very alike. She broke up with me almost a YEAR ago and it started to sting back now. For no reason at all. I started NC since day 1. Never looked her facebook. Blocked her too. Did not change my number. I know she's not coming back.

It was close to my birthday too. She did not send anything at all. There really isn't a easy way out... Go out and live. Try to do things normally. Find new hobbies and friends. Somewhere along the road things will start to settle down and the pain becomes bearable. I'm still waiting for the day I can hear her name and not feel like throwing up. You and I are very similar in many ways. I hope you can recover faster than I.

Why did you stay in a toxic relationship for two years?

Oh, ohheyyy89, you were doing so well! I believe this to be part of the process, though. If you two meant anything to each other (as you both did) then it's not going to be as simple as snapping your fingers and moving on. I have no doubt in my mind that she probably still thinks about you as well in some capacity. Allow yourself to think about her as much as you need to. Don't cave and contact her though (like I did), though I'm sure you're strong enough that you won't.

Time will heal. No matter how short or long your relationship was, four months isn't long at all. You two did share something, though, no matter how toxic the relationship was, so don't anticipate forgetting about her completely. Your feelings will fade, but you'll always remember her.

Why did you stay in a toxic relationship for two years?

I'm assuming because she was in love.

I wish I had the words of wisdom to give you. I just wanted to say you're not alone. I left my ex almost 5 months ago because it was also a toxic relationship. We were togrther for 3 years. Like you, I still cry. Sometimes I don't know how I will ever get over it. The good thing is that you recognize it as a toxic relationship. I read once that sometimes those are the hardest ones to get over. Just keep taking it one day at a time. I'm sure in 20 years you will look back on this and the pain will be a long ago distant memory.

Why did you stay in a toxic relationship for two years?

Why people smoke?

Sometimes you know something is bad to you and you still do it anyway. My guess is that he wanted to make it work.

Ms Darcy,

Simply, I guess I was blinded by love and emotions.

Ms Darcy,

Simply, I guess I was blinded by love and emotions.

If your bf hit you and I asked why you stayed and you said: "because I love him" - I would say she's not ready to really look inside yourself beyond the surface.

I'd encourage you to think of less superficial reason ... where did the love come from/what were the emotions? If you understand why you held on, you can move forward in letting go.

safenow,

it is tuff. Especially when certain events come up, and also birthdays, when you spent it with them the previous years. But I agree with you, I should be a little bit selfish. Making yourself happy first before making another person happy. I want to be fully prepared when someone else comes along...not broken.

Also, I do the same thing, I pretend like she's still there and I apologize for everything but say it was just not meant to be and that it's all part of life's lesson

Romantic83,

You really are not alone, I guess I'm not either : )

And also, you definelty did not bore me! I love hearing other peoples experiences and stories. It helps me learn as well.

When was the last time you contacted him? or he tried to contact you? .. Day by day it does seem to get better, then some days I crash. The person I was so deeply in love with, crazy about, is gone, and out of my life. Sometimes I sit back and just can't believe it's over, I need to learn a way to accept the fact what's done is done. I don't ever want to go back, I refuse. I am sorry for the pain you are going through as well, it is good to let it out and talk about it, even if it's painful. This site really has helped me. I'm proud of my progress, and will keep moving forward, through the good days and bad

Twidom,

I'm curious, how long was your grieving process?

I cried for about 2 weeks straight, and a little bit into the third week. Then things started to settle down and I was able to go out and enjoy myself... The days are bearable again, I can eat normally, sleep still is kind of crappy.

I wish you the best and I hope that things start to lighten up for you as well. We are very similar. We gotta to stick with what were doing! NC, going out meeting new friends, having fun. I don't want to waste my days thinking about the past. Pointless.

Dasnico,

I know, I was =/ The past week was bad, I don't really know why. I guess the smallest things just trigger me and I wish it would just go away. One day it will, can't wait for that day! haha

When was the last time you two contacted each other? I hope you are feeling better and making progress : )

Ms Darcy,

I guess I held on because I was in love, we were clinged on to each other, too much.

I started off the relationship at a bad point in my life, so did she, we became dependent on each other. Then, I progressed and she was right by my side. As time went on, she was really going downhill and I kept moving up. We were already in love by this point so I accepted her for who she was. I've matured the whole relationship but unintentionally let this person drag me down. I'm glad it's over. She was very jealous and manipulative. It's weird not having to check in with someone every hour to make sure I'm not doing anything shady, that's how bad it was. Huge mistake, but biggest lesson I've learned from a relationship.

Glad I am not the only one doing the talking thing I hope you are feeling better today. I agree it is weird having no one to check in with. Bad in some ways but good in others

Twidom,

I'm curious, how long was your grieving process?

I cried for about 2 weeks straight, and a little bit into the third week. Then things started to settle down and I was able to go out and enjoy myself... The days are bearable again, I can eat normally, sleep still is kind of crappy.

I wish you the best and I hope that things start to lighten up for you as well. We are very similar. We gotta to stick with what were doing! NC, going out meeting new friends, having fun. I don't want to waste my days thinking about the past. Pointless.

My first day was ok. I did not feel a thing. Then the night came. My first week was hell. I literally could not eat or drink. My body rejected everything. Second week was a bit like that too. I lost nearly 15 pounds. My thirt to fourth week I tried to take my life. The thought of her being with another man just crushed my heart.

That night I was sleeping and I really don't know what happened. When I "came to me", I was in the bathroom swallowing a whole bottle of anti-depressants. For some odd reason, my father woke up and went to my bathroom (he has one inside his room so there really was no reason to go to mine) and he found me. I stayed in the hospital for sometime.

The next few months were gray. Life was boring and without meaning. And it stayed that way until a few weeks ago. I "was" over my ex. I could see myself without her. With another woman. The thought of her with another guy was bearable. But lately I've been missing her. More and more. I don't know if she's dating or not. I deleted my facebook, blocked her phone and everything else.

So in a way I'm still grieving. It is pointless to suffer in a certain way. I KNOW I don't need her. But I still wish she was here with me. Best wishes to you. I hope from the bottom of my heart you find happiness. Nobody deserves this pain.

Ms Darcy,

I guess I held on because I was in love, we were clinged on to each other, too much.

I started off the relationship at a bad point in my life, so did she, we became dependent on each other. Then, I progressed and she was right by my side. As time went on, she was really going downhill and I kept moving up. We were already in love by this point so I accepted her for who she was. I've matured the whole relationship but unintentionally let this person drag me down. I'm glad it's over. She was very jealous and manipulative. It's weird not having to check in with someone every hour to make sure I'm not doing anything shady, that's how bad it was. Huge mistake, but biggest lesson I've learned from a relationship.

Thanks for the expansion. I would suggest you look up some resources on co-dependency.

I always want to compare breaking up with quitting hard drugs (heroin, etc.). Something your life depended on is gone, and you're (we're) going thru withdrawals now. Once the pain has subsided, depression settles in - the days are grey and life has little taste. It's okay, we're strong and are going to make it/see it thru. Learn to be happy with/by yourself! It's hard, as I'm struggling myself right now, but try taking one good thing out of every day that passed. Do something new - explore, go places (even a redundant grocery store that you've never been to).

Life is interesting and works in mysterious ways (paraphrasing here).

I don't have an answer for you. But I have a similar story.

It has been just slightly over 1 year here since my BU. The first 6 months or so were gray and dull; almost lifeless. Then from there, it started to get worse (dreams of her started, started thinking of her, etc.). The last few weeks, my heart is just absolutely broken, and I miss her like crazy.

We have been in NC since day 1 and have lived a couple hours apart since shortly after the BU.

I cannot explain why it is happening. I was seeing a woman for a couple months during this 1 year since BU, but that obviously didn't last. Just completely inexplicable.

i am 4 months into a breakup and no contact and at times i still feel almost as bad as i did the first week. some days i seem to get on almost fine with life and then others i cant stop thinking of her. its been about a month since i last dreamed about her.

im sorry to hear your going through a rough patch, i think time and new focuses are really all you can do.

safenow,

I hope you've been doing better.

Penseur,

I hope things get better for you. I hate all the memories I have built up, I guess I try to think of the bad ones before I get too deep into thought, makes me feel better I guess. I can't even think of dating for a while. I tried it, didn't work out as well. I think that set me back a little bit. I would say enjoy being single and surround yourself with positive people who love you