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Day 2 NC and it sucks!!


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Hi all,

 

Posting here as I'm still teary from the break up and trying not to break NC or drive my self crazy asking "Why?"

 

So, since last November I have been dating a wonderful man. Things went well, if a bit too speedily. I had a wobble in the spring and asked for more space because it was going to quickly! But we were able to discuss our needs in a caring and respectful way, and work on things. I had issues "falling in love" myself, mostly because of past hurts and just being a bit silly, really. I worked through that tho and came to really love him.

 

I went away for 3 months to work for the summer (I'm a grad student, he's working).I returned to my college town nearly three weeks ago.

 

My bf had been freaking out a little bit before I returned home--basically scared we were going to rush stuff.

I respected his request, we met up several times and everything was good. I respected his need for space, and we still had great chats and laughs.

His birthday was Monday and he spent the night at mine. We talked about stuff, kissed, cuddled, had a great time. We hung out all day Friday too, which was lovely. When we were in bed I said "I love you" (NB, we had the "I love you" conversation in March, he said it first).

This prompted a massive emotional freak-out on his part. We spoke on Saturday and he was going nuts, asking for space to think about things, saying he was in terrible turmoil. I asked if we could speak about things on Sunday afternoon. He agreed and we met up.

 

He broke up with me saying "I can't do this anymore, we are perfect for each other in so many ways, we connect incredibly well on so many levels but I just don't love you." He went on and on and on, crying, holding me, calling me 'sweetie' and 'darling," etc. I argued with him (of course!) and was crying too. He said "we're like puzzle pieces that nearly fit but not quite so I guess you are not my one. If we've both had doubts then this can't be right."

 

He told me how deeply he cared about me, how great the relationship had been and how he never wanted to lose me from his life. He wanted us to be friends, we could still do the things we had planned to do together, etc. He was crying so hard I asked him to come back to my apartment, have a cup of tea and settle down before driving home. He did that, we prayed with and for each other, then he tucked me into my bed and kissed my forehead.

 

I'm still in shock. I just can't believe it. I feel like its all my fault for saying "I love you." I know he is never coming back but I wish I could understand what happened in his mind. Has anybody gone through something similar, where there's a lot of caring (and obviously love) on both sides? What should I do?

 

It was a really great relationship. Of course there we wobbles and doubts, but that's part of life, and part of growing together is working through those issues, and understanding each other better.

 

I just need a hug soooo much....

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You saying "I love you" didn't cause his doubts and they would have come out sooner than later. Perhaps it was the summer apart that made him realize

that you were not the right match. Regardless, if both people aren't on the same page ,the relationship becomes an uphill battle.

 

You will find a man who thinks the sun rises and sets on your head. This was just a practice run!

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*hug* =P

 

It sounds like both of you may have been burned in the past and may have started this relationship a bit too soon after your respected break-ups. Clearly, from his end especially, he might still have feelings for an ex and wasn't quite over her before launching into something with you. As much as this may hurt to hear, I wouldn't take too much out of his "I love you". You see, when people are looking to move on without you, they may string you along until they find the next thing. What better way to keep you invested by saying they still love you? My ex told me the same thing. She told me she needed space, but she still loved me and didn't want to lose me forever. Three weeks later, she wouldn't even reply with an "I love you too" and kept becoming more distant and more distant. Why? There was someone else.

 

This phase will be challenging and one of the most difficult things you will have to go through in your life. Time heals all wounds. If it makes you feel any better, I have only reached the 9 day mark of not contacting my ex while KNOWING she is dating someone else. For all I know, they are already in a relationship. You can't stop living life because your ex is not going to stop.

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*hugs* to you.

 

I can sympathise, i went away to work for 4 months this year and also got dumped when i got home, except i never saw him when i got back, he did it over the phone. He also cried (he told me) and said he wished he felt differently but couldn't help the way he felt. For weeks and weeks i went over it all in my head, went through the typical blaming myself stage, went through the hating stage, the feeling over it stage etc. The fact is he decided you aren't the one for him, he felt something was missing, same with my ex, there is nothing we can do, just have faith that time will heal us & we will eventually move on, its been almost 5 months since it happened to me, i feel so so so much better now, i look back and realise that HE was emotionally unavailable, HE has issues from his past, HE was scared of commitment, HE is the one that lost out in the end, not me. So remember that this is HIS issue, not yours!!!! He is scared of commitment. Time will heal but you must go NC texting or talking to him will only slow down your healing. Trust me.

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Thank you so much guys!

Your replies are very comforting.

It's been over a week NC and I'll keep it up for the foreseeable future.

Aeropro, Cherry, I think you guys are on the mark. His ex-GF (she dumped him) just moved back to town, this may have stirred up a lot of old feelings and anxieties--and maybe he wanted to try getting back with her.

Also, he has never had a relationship that lasted past 8 months. I think he might be scared of commitment...or not have the emotional maturity to move beyond the initial infatuation/butterfly fuzz of the first 6 months of a relationship, to the less exciting, deeper love that follows...

I know he is still physically attracted to me--just before I said "I love you" he said "you are so beautiful--I just turn to putty in your hands."

Whatever it is, I can't try to figure out his mind. Trying to forget him and move on but it is really hard!!!

He wants to be friends, is that something that ever works?

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