He cheated on me, I found out 2 weeks before our engagement party.

I loved my fiancé with all my heart, he did everything for me, and loved me so much. We went on vacation and he spent so long on his phone. Later on I found out he was cheating on me all this year, taking girls for dinner , coffee, even seeing some of them , one was living even next door. My whole broke down on me. Our families were shocked, he couldn't stop crying and promised to fix his behavior. After few weeks we sat down but it seemed like he doesn't want to fight. He had gone out with his friend, parties , girls and he seemed to have fun. He said I deserve better, that he did too many bad things and he will always love me. We bumped into each other after a month and both started crying, but still he doesn't fight for me. I traveled the world to get over him. Its been over 2 months now and I love him and not being worth a fight is killing me. I look at my ring and cant stop crying.

I sent him the email and I don't know if it was the right thing to do:

[/b]I don't even know how to start so I just start with saying that I have no regrets, that a year ago I would have done the same over again. It took time for me to take my guards off and I still remember that day when you picked me up from the airport in your blue shirt, there I knew you are the one. It was the kindness in your face and I am so happy that I took the risk in falling in love with you.

Over the past weeks I've learned that the hardest lesson in life is how to mend a broken heart. I never knew how much pain was involved in love because I have never experienced such a heart break before.. I truly believed that love would be enough to keep our relationship strong, I was wrong.

Somewhere along the road we lost each other. Somewhere you gave up on us and I don't know when exactly because you never made me feel that I wasn't loved. Looking back its not the cheating part that hurts me most, its the fact that you lost your respect for the woman that loved you so much, she wasn't perfect but she loved you truly for who you were regardless of the superficial and materialistic comforts that you offered her, she loved you for different reasons. The moment you took her to the dentist to hold her hand or kissing her mother on the forehead, these were moments she will never forget and deep down she knows you loved her regardless.

In the last few days I have realized that a lot of things have to go right for two people to end up marrying each other. One wrong decision or choice will change the path of their destiny. Certainly love is important its an important pillar but its not enough. But more than love its about kindness and being selfless and put the person you love above anything else in life and cherish the same values in life.

As you said your life now is fast and crazy where with me it was quiet. Yes I didn't dance on tables but I loved and cared for you and looking back I wouldn't want it any other way, I didn't miss my life before you , all this bull trash in Dubai, been there done that. I put you above everything and anything else. You asked me one night in bed if I would always love you regardless if anything happened? I replied yes I will. Because I was so convinced that this love would survive anything but you proved me wrong and showed me that I wasn't worth a fight after all. You said you love me and you will always love me but you had seen something else that you loved more than us, all these pool and hotel stays with new people.....and that's where I finally came to the realization that you had given up on us because you had simply chosen this "new crazy fast" life over me, over us. So if you can live your life happily without me , if my absence doesn't make any difference, if the memories are just enough for you and if all these people and places can give you what we couldn't have together than I truly hope that you will find what you are looking for. [/b]

Please share with me what you think. thank you all in advance . kisses, Caroline

I'm really sorry that this happened to you but I'm afraid that it is all too common. I guess there is a point where you may still love someone but there comes a point where so many bridges have been burnt that there's no way back. It sounds like he is more interested in "fun" than fulfillment in a committed relationship. Maybe somewhere he cares/cared for you but his need for "fun" outweighed this.

I know you are thinking about "closure" but, in my experience and opinion, you never really get it. If you are lucky, the other person will tell you the truth but only as they see it and biased to their point of view.

From what you've written, it sounds like he is a player and might just grow out of it one day but you cannot spend too much of your life waiting on maybes.

As for you, I'm guessing that you wish to find a settled permanent relationship one day. You will probably have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince but most people do. My first marriage broke up decades ago and there was a time when I thought my chances of remarriage looked slim but I kissed a few frogs and have been remarried for over 20 years.

I wish you luck in your recovery.

It seems that your ex fiancé was not ripe for marriage. Perhaps he played along to make you happy and/or under pressure from family/society.

I know it is close to impossible for now to see the silver lining of how the events came down, because you are hurting too much, but believe me it was for good that you found out now, rather than after marriage, with kids and joint property. Then the havoc of divorce would have hit you much harder.

I think that your being unable to forget him is more related to his choice to walk away without fighting for your relationship. I also hope that you realise this reaction is triggered by your bruised ego, but not really grief over the loss of love. Once you accept that your ex fiancé poor choices have nothing to do with you as a person, and they are all a reflection of his character flaws, then you will have your closure and be able to move on.

Do not expect the source of pain, to be the cure of this very same pain. So, your letter will not accomplish much, it is even dangerous to you, because like this you may open the door for your ex to string you along for his personal satisfaction, while keep sleeping around. I would say No contact and focus on your personal happiness with other events and people.

The norm is that after many years, when a player is tired to play and want to settle, they come back to the serious loyal girl, whose heart they once broke, tail between the legs, and ask for a second chance. If this happens to you, I very much hope that by then you will be happily married and with children and you would laugh to his face. Even if you are single, then again-laugh to his face and show him a finger.

Well, the letter won't do you any harm but it won't accomplish anything either. It won't make him reconsider and as much as we sometimes think grand gestures like this are great, they come accross as desperate and needy.

Get rid of the ring, go NC and heal. It may take a while, probably a lot longer than you'd like. But you will recover and find happiness again.

So if you can live your life happily without me , if my absence doesn't make any difference, if the memories are just enough for you and if all these people and places can give you what we couldn't have together than I truly hope that you will find what you are looking for.

So the purpose of the letter is...? What do you hope to gain from this? Bets are he's probably going to delete it before reading it.

Sometimes, letters like this are best written and thrown away rather than sending it. If he responds to it, are you prepared to read it?

Thank you so much for taking your time. Yes he is 5 years younger than me, the whole marriage idea was his, I guess he just liked the idea of having me as his wife and the others to play around. He would do everything for me, planning a surprise for my birthday and then go on a dinner date with a girl just the week after.

I hope I will be able to trust the next one.

I miss the man I thought he was, probably the fact that he was just playing several roles hurt me more. I am pretty successful and kind and all this wasn't enough for him or just enough to marry me but he still wanted the fun part. What is more upsetting is to hear why I am being so upset from people as they say all men cheat, but I do not believe it. I can imagine that a man can do a mistake and as a human cheat once but the strategic cheating and lying is hard to accept. To actually plan and do it.

Your words are very helpful, I am very thankful for you taking your time and respond to me. Grazie, Caroline

There is no purpose I guess, after 2 months, I just want to let go and see where life brings me. the purpose was very selfish and the letter served to express myself. I had written another one 2 weeks ago , never sent it as it would have looked like emotional black mail, so I threw it away. I went to a wedding few days ago and witnessed so many couples who chose eachother day by day and that's where I realized that I had to let go. Before sending the letter he told me he is trying to move on but still thinks a lot about me. So I asked myself why would someone try to move on instead of fighting.

There are no answers I believe, so I just decided to send this letter

I'm so sorry that this happened. There is absolutely no bright side to having your heart broken like this, but at least be grateful you found out BEFORE you exchanged vows and promised forever.

I understand the desire to write the email, but if you ever have that desire again, write it to yourself and then delete it. Or post it here. You will always find a sympathetic ear to help you through this here.

I know it doesn't seem like this now, but everything in life teaches us lessons. I'm not sure what the lesson is in this for you, but there are lessons to be learned through this. Maybe one is that you are stronger than you know.

I totally feel for you. Repeat after me, "I did nothing wrong. I am awesome and amazing. He just lacks integrity. And I will find a man who is accountable and has integrity, and will be faithful and loving to me."

Stop saying he gave up on you two, or something happened. He's just a dirtbag.

Hugs.

It wasn't that you lost each other. It's that he's a cheating cheater who prefers to cheat. Don't make this about you. He just wasn't capable of being committed.

You are right that not all men cheat. I did once when I was stupid enough to get drunk. I never did it again, at least not while in a fully committed relationship. I've been faithful to my wife (2nd) since we first met and have no desire to do so.

You might not be able to trust the next man, nor the one after that but if you keep kissing frogs, you will eventually find one turns into a prince.

Then again, you might never find a prince but be happy enough with your own life that you don't really need a man at all.

Good luck.