I Got Played!!!

So here it is. Ive been racking my brain about this guy I was seeing. Why he all of a sudden changed. I couldnt explain it. He told me he had a lot going on when I confronted him. He was working crazy hours. He just moved to a new city, staryed a new job and had just moved into a new place. He basically started over. He and I became friends prior to his new life. He always came to me for encouragement and advice on career moves, etc. I believed him. We both were super busy. We went on a trip that was suppose to rekindle things between us. This man showed me a side of him he had yet to show me. We really reconnected. I have trust issues from previous relationships so his actions made me believe him. My friends and his friends even noticed it. All he did was talk about me to his friends.

I was trying to figure out why he was so distant. He told me he wasnt ready for a relationship right now because he wasnt the man he wanted to be or was at the point he wanted to be in life. Now he is completely ignoring me, but is always on social media posting things and flirting with other girls now. Something he never did before. I didnt believe I got played because of his actions plus the things he was telling my friends and his friends. They all told me how much he talked about me and how highly he thgt of me.

Although things didnt make sense I see now that he gained my trust and preyed on me. How he would tell my friends and his friends all those things baffles me. Like would he intentionally include them in his "game" without their knowledge?

I dont really need a response I really just wanted to vent.

The story/chain of events isn't very easy to follow, and it isn't very clear from the post what exactly was your relationship with him (e.g long term relationship, dated for a while, dated for a short period of time or just both expressed interested but haven't dated yet), but in any case, from that post alone, I wouldn't say he "played" you. Maybe he was interested, then he lost interest, so what. People are allowed to change their minds. Maybe he could have better communicated that with you but either way, just because he changed and you are upset about that change, doesn't mean he wasn't genuine when he did express interest at first.

Also I must say, you keep saying how his actions and his words (to your friends and his friends) made you believe in him, that's basically blaming others (him) for everything and not taking any responsibility for your own feelings. No one can make you do or feel anything, you had feelings for him (your own choice), for whatever reason he changed, so you are left heartbroken, which isn't ideal, but at least you tried. The only thing you can control is your own action and the choices you make, by blaming him and making him out to be the bad guy, you're taking that control out of your own hands, as if saying there's nothing I could have done to stop this, he is the bad guy and it's all on him. And you walk away learning nothing from this, and will do it all over again with another guy.

By the way you said he gained your trust and preyed on you, that's some pretty harsh accusations there, it implies the intent to harm in the first place, that is he never actually liked you or interested in you, lied to you and yours and his friends about his interest in you, acted like a trust worthy person when he's not, then dumped you when he got what he wanted (I'm assuming sex). I don't know the full story but I find that hard to believe based on just this one post.

I agree with notalady. People often mistake the other person's loss of interest as getting played. Not really.

I was interested in him. I never denied that. It is most definitely ok to change your mind but the fact that he said and did one think then then changed drastically after this trip is what had me confused. I talk to my friends about his behavior and it didnt make sense to me or them. Maybe it is that he lost interest but the fact that he didnt express it to me rather than continue to string me along....yes he played me. I guess he is using the distancing, "Im busy", ignoring me to get his point accross.

It doesn't sound like you got played. I have dated manipulative/con men. Nothing in your post states you got played. He was interested, then he lost interest.

I guess what im more upset about is the fact he didnt tell me and was upfront! and like i say you couldnt tell by his behavior that he lost interest. I couldnt....my friends couldnt....his friends couldnt....as far doing something to stop it. I thgt we were on the same page. I see not so much. Where did I go wrong?

I agree with the others -I would not assume you got played. What I do think is that you should stop looking at his Facebook.

oh no i wasnt looking at his facebook.

I have also ceased all contact with him. Im just trying to figure things out. If Im to learn from this what is there to learn?

I must add Im friends with him on Instagram. So his posts pop up as I scroll down my TL. But I wasnt "lurking" on his page.

Stop looking at his social media.

What to learn? That dating requires a thick skin and a positive attitude so if you jump to the conclusion that you were "played" you're going to end up feeling jaded/bitter -which becomes a big turn-off when you approach new people with that attitude.

thank you for your response. This is why i came on here to help get some advice as to what happened. And once again im not checking his social media. I could block him so his post dont pop up on my TL but that would make me look bitter.

Like I said i was confused trying to put it all together and the pieces I was trying to put together didnt fit!

Unless there is more of a backstory to your original post, it simply sounds like he was interested and then lost interest. I've been played and it's not fun. I dated a guy who was only living here for work. While he was dating me in PA, he had a fiance/later wife in IN. He was dating us both at the same time, and even had sex with me after his wedding (I found out about the wedding, which occurred in June, in July).

Another man was from NJ, and I knew all of the red flags were there. We dated from November to February before I finally opened my eyes and saw he was married.

That's getting played.

Thank you! I guess maybe he did lose interest. Maybe it was my inability to wrap my mind around everything!

Agree with Batya, what to learn from this is that in dating you need a thick skin and positive attitude. You need to just shake things off and don't let it affect you. People distancing themselves, tell you they are busy, and generally doing the slow fade is a well known and frequently used method to end a newish relationship. Is it cowardly? Would it have been better if they were just upfront about it? Of course. But as said before, you can't control what other people do, and there is no point analysing why it happened, why they did it, which a lot of people tend to do. It's pointless and makes no difference to the outcome, being that he's no longer interested. You just need to learn to accept it and move on, without letting it affect how you view future relationships. It's hard but if there's any take away from this, this is an important one.

Im still learning in this dating thing. Im not at all bitter towards him. I was angry and regrettful but your comments were all helpful.

you are absolutely right!

I have also ceased all contact with him. Im just trying to figure things out. If Im to learn from this what is there to learn?

That people can and do change their mind. We can't demand a reason. We have to accept it and move on. Sorry for your frustration and hurt.

The thick skin, and the changing their mind at any time for any reason are two big lessons to learn.

I dated a man last year. Fell madly in love with him. He broke up with me last September. When a break up occurs, all promises, everything just goes out the window. People even do that in marriages. One person in the marriage thinks everything is fine, and one day their world gets turned upside down when the partner asks for a separation/divorce.

I'm not saying you shoudl EXPECT those things, because that will cause you to put up a wall and be jaded.

But you need to go in with an open mind and an open heart. You need to have the confidence in yourself to know that if someone ends it with you, you are a good person and there will be someone else out there for you.

The hardest lesson I'm learning right now, at the ripe old age of 37, is to love myself first. Once we learn to do that, we won't be so crushed when we lose that external validation provided by someone else.

I see now! I think because of my past with relationships and being single for so long, me meeting him was like a breathe of fresh air. Simply because we were friends first. To get something you like and lose it does hurt. I dont doubt that he was geniunely interested in me. I guess me saying i was "played" was my minds only way to justify anything because I didnt know what was going on. You know when you meet someone who you enjoy you hate to lose them. My anxiety has eased a lot. Thanks you all!!!

Chin up. Dating is kinda hard to navigate. I was with my ex husband 14 years. I had zero self-esteem and so couldn't see red flags when they were staring me in the face. Then I dated a good guy in 2012 and pushed him away out of fear. It was then I worked on my self-esteem (not implying you need to do that). Working on my self-esteem has made it much easier to date. I can see red flags the first time they appear now. And I can tell when a guy is a good guy, and when he's interested in me.

You'll find your way. Those are rough waters out there until you learn to navigate that dating ship.