I am in love with a heroin addict....please help

I was engaged to a woman I loved. I was not "in love" with her but I did truly love her. I broke it off with her and moved into my own place. I knew this was the right decision for me and I was happy. Sad but also happy to have made the right choice rather than settle, get married then eventually divorce.

I should back up. I'm a 42 year old white man. I've been married once for 7 years in my 20's and raised my son as a single father from the time he was 13 till college (current). I have only ever been "in love" one other time in my life. My very first serious girlfriend in high school. It lasted a month.....it hurt me so bad I have been running from "in love" ever since out of fear of getting devestated again.

So flash forward.....years go by, I spent a long time single after my divorce, had a few minor relationships here and there. Chased a lot of women I knew I could fall in love with but they weren't interested etc.....

Eventually I come to where I am now. I live alone in a very nice place, I make great money and have my life together in every way.

I was out of my last relationship about a month when I ran into an old friend from the past.

Here is the story. I met this woman in a club 4 years ago. We had an instant and undeniable attraction. We exchanged phone numbers and talked a few times. I saw her in the club where she worked a few more times. One night while she was working she had passed out in the back room. Heroin. I never saw her again after that. I did talk to her one more time on the phone then her phone got shut off and I had no way of contacting her. She no longer worked at the club, etc....I honestly thought she had OD'd.

About a month after this I met the woman who became my fiance. We were together for 4 years and I eventually broke it off because I wasn't "in love" with her. Let me explain this for clarity. To me love (real true love) means an altruistic caring for another persons welfare. A completely unselfish desire to do anything and everything for someone else. I had this for Candice (my ex-fiance). To me "in love" means: that romantic type of love and lust that you feel for someone where you look at them and just have to smile and want to look at them and touch them forever. That absolutely crazy butterflies in your stomach feeling you get when you even think about that person, and when it comes to sex, that fantastic amazing mind blowing feeling of being with the ONE that you always wanted. Or something like that..... I'm sure everyone's version is slightly different but you get the gist.

So I didn't have the in love feelings for Candice, never did and I knew it from the beginning, but I did love her deeply and everything about her was so great that I thought I didn't need that in my life (I promise all this back story has a point and thank you for reading all this). So I settled thinking that in time that part would grow or that it just didn't matter.

I was very very wrong. It didn't grow. The only thing that grew was my dissatisfaction with her physically and sexually. There just was no spark, and I didn't want to live my life like that, so I broke it off with her. It was not easy and was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

So a month or so goes by and I'm back in the same club where I had met the other girl that I'd had the instant connection with. I never in a million years expected to see her in there again, I had in fact completely forgotten about her. But there she was. Her name is Lonnie.

We recognized each other immediately. I pointed at her and she came over. She remembered my name from 4 years earlier, it took me a minute but I remembered her's as well. It was like magic. Just the staring into each other's eyes, the contagious smiles, the happiness and joy of it all was/is incredible.

We started seeing each other as much as possible. It was a very very rocky start.....there was so much I didn't know.

Here's the dirt of the situation.

She is a long time (8 years) heroin addict. Not only that but other drugs as well. She's barely surviving. She works as a dancer in a gentlemans club. She's basically homeless and lives with a long time male heroin buddy. He paints houses and they help each other. They have a very weird brother/sister type relationship but she's also insanely jealous of him. She does not have sex with him but she does not want him with other women. He feels similarly as well and is somewhat threatened by me because he sees how much she loves me and does not want to lose his heroin buddy.

Both Lonnie and Bob have tried getting clean many many times in the past and have failed. They've both been in trouble and are currently in trouble with the law. Both have warrants out. It's a very bad situation.

Believe me you're probably thinking "this guy is a complete idiot!" I would agree if I weren't in the middle of this. If you'd told me where I'd be with this two months ago I would have called you crazy. I'm the most down to earth, sane, stable guy I know. I've ever cheated on a woman, I've never hit a woman, I treat women with respect and dignity.

So here's the thing. When I met Lonnie the feelings we had were insanely powerful. More intense than anything I've ever felt in my life. I did not even know feelings like this were possible. The love I feel for her is real, and I would do and have done just about anything for her. I love her and I'm deeply in love with her. I can not imagine my life with out her.

We've been together about two months now. In the beginning I didn't know about her addiction. About two weeks in I found out the whole story. I spent an entire weekend screaming and crying and just totally flipping out emotionally. Why? Because I knew how I felt about her and I didn't know if I was going to be able to deal with all of this. I was completely emotionally drained after my melt down, but it was the best thing I'd ever experienced (as well as the worst) because I realized finally what I'd been missing in my life. Real love. Loving someone AND being IN LOVE with someone. Crazy in love. I now knew what was possible for me and I knew that whatever happened between Lonnie and I, I would be better, and a better person and I would know that I would never settle again.

So after my crying weekend I decided that I was going to stick it out with Lonnie. The reason I came to this decision was because she had an upcoming court case and I knew they were going to force her into rehab. So I was telling myself I would hold out and see things through with her till then, till she could get clean and then hopefully we could start a real relationship with no drugs involved on her end. I do not do drugs of any sort, I do drink but only occasionally and it's not an issue.

So the court date comes and she gets into rehab. It was very bad because of how much heroin and other stuff she was on so they sent her to the hospital and she left and basically violated her parole. So now she's a fugitive basically and if they catch her she will go right back to jail. She relapsed immediately. She'd been clean for about 4 days. As soon as she escaped out of the hospital she relapsed.

That was all about three weeks ago. It feels like every day I live is a month. I feel like the past two months of my life have aged me 5 years at least. I have been so wrapped up in all of this.

So I have been helping her to get "well" that's what a heroin addict calls it. Once the drugs start leaving her system she immediately starts to get withdrawl and it's very bad. Sweating, chills, vomiting, diarrhea, muscle spasms and aches, etc..... so the only thought is I need to get "well" ie. another shot of dope. So I love her, and I can't take seeing her in pain, so I've been helping her to get what she needs. I've been basically spending all my money and endangering my own self by helping her get illegal drugs. I must be insane right? Well, like I said I would agree, but I'm just in love with her. The deepest most powerful thing I've ever felt and I just can't give up on her.

She wants to get clean. She wants to have a normal life with me and a real relationship but all that is on hold while we try to get her back into a detox facility. There is a waiting list even though I'm paying for it straight up cash.

I have been running myself ragged. My whole life is consumed with her and her needs. Don't get me wrong, she does give back. When she is well she's completely normal and very loving. We get along great, we have many similarities and common interests, it's pretty much the perfect relationship minus the drugs. I have tried and tried and argued an argued with her about the drugs. That is our only fight. But I feel now like I'm at my whits end. I told my mother about the whole situation. Me and my mom are very close. She a very sweet non-judgemental person who has had some experience with heroin addicts (a good friend of hers is a recovering addict) so she was quite supportive in the beginning. But now things have gotten out of hand. I've sold so much of my personal property to help finance her addiction. I've put myself in the fray buy driving her to her dealers multiple times each day (she has no car and does not have a license). It's been wearing me out.

On the other hand, about two weeks ago we started our sexual relationship. It is the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. Not to get too graphic but I'm 42 and feel like I'm 18 again. Let's just leave it at that, it's amazing.

So I've tried to break up with her several times now. It can not be done. She just keeps coming back to me and I keep giving in. I just see her and I'm done. I can not help myself. The fact is I'M addicted to HER.

I wrote her this long letter basically giving her an ultimatum. She has to get to rehab, leave Bob and when she gets out come live with me and be in a safe environment. I would take care of her, help her fix her legal issues (very expensive) and get her straightened out...etc.... well she didn't take that very well and convinced me I was being too harsh. I relented and for the past week it's basically just been her getting "well" and us spending every minute together, a lot of it in bed....etc.....

But now I'm at a crossroads. I know the right thing to do would be do just cut my loses and leave her. But I'm worried she would kill herself or just fall deeper into the pit she's already in with the drugs and just OD or just sink into a deeper more miserable depression than she's already in.

My mother read me the riot act tonight about the whole situation and what she told me was absolutely right. She said I was jeopardizing my whole life, career and good name and reputation. That I was basically acting in a foolish way and that I needed to leave her and this situation. I agree but I feel powerless to do anything differently. I don't want to keep doing this but I feel so helpless.

I've decided to tell her that I'm not going to help her buy drugs anymore. I'm not going to give her money and I'm not going to drive her anywhere to get them. I will help her get back into rehab and detox, and I will help her get on her feet but I can't keep enabling her.

Please please help me here. Give me some advice. I really need to hear from other people.

Thanks for the help.

You are not helpless. You are making really bad choices....and are enabling this woman to hide as well as buy drugs. You mother is 100% correct and you are going to lose everything.

You are not allowed to help people at the cost of destroying your own life. ( a hard life lesson i learned myself) Plus never use money to "help" people, unless its an acute real emergency.(another hard life lesson) Only provide substantial help. I personally think that sending her to rehab is good, but aren't there any free clinics for her to goto?

I personally don't think you ever got "over" your first love. You've gotten hurt so bad , that you've became completely fearfull that someone else would hurt you, that you've shut yourself/closed down , which is completely understandable. Opening yourself up and getting hurt is not a fun thing, but the road of life continues and what matters is not falling but learning how to stand up and get moving again after getting hurt. Grabbing the pieces of your life , glueing them back together and moving on. You can't move on if you shut yourself off. Fear is like a prison with an open door, the only thing you need to do understand that there is nothing to fear and go through it.

Love makes blind, take those glasses off and understand that you shouldn't destroy your own life for anyone. You have to realise that there are people who are liabilities to your life, and people who are an asset to your life. Drug users are extremely dangerous because they are inside of the gravitational swirl of a black hole. And if you don't watch out WATCH OUT AGAIN, because they'll hold on to you and drag you into their black hole pit of misery and problems. So be careful you don't get dragged along down the drain.

She needs expert help, that you cannot give her. This weight is too heavy for you to carry alone. And you need to be able to financially sustain yourself. Don't empty your pockets on her. Its ok to do something with in your means though, but don't flash flood your finances on her, for her and your own sake. She needs to get back in the clinic asap. No matter how time she relapses, there's only a right and a wrong choice here. The only right choice and course of action is to get rid of the drugs and bad people and influence as a result of it.

Talk to a good lawyer about the parole violation.

You are not alone , and there are some good websites that can help you deal with this.

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I need to be honest here. I find it very very sad that you find sex with an active heroin addict "amazing". She isn't even in her right mind when she is having sex. She isn't present. She isn't fully conscious! Doesn't that bother you at all?! Don't you want someone who knows what is going on and can participate with a fully operating mind?

I would find that so thoroughly depressing and degrading.

Not only that, but you put your life in danger every time you get into bed with her. Every time you go to get drugs with her. Simply by being around her and being involved in that life.

I don't see this as love at all. Love is not dehumanizing. The opposite. It does not harm; the opposite. It does not deplete; the opposite.

What your actual motivations are for doing this only you can answer; but it is a lie to say it is about loving her.

When I was in my late twenties, I watched a friend of mine waste up his life 'being in love' with an addict. Cocaine, mostly, but she did everything and anything. He even married her. And when he went to leave her (she gave him an STD, was sleeping around), she threatened to kill herself. So he stayed.

A year later she overdosed and he was burying her. But by this point, he was a wreck himself.

I fully believed watching my friend that he was attracted to her because of his underlying issues he himself did not want to address. If he had been healthy when he met her, he would have ran a mile in the opposite direction. But he wasn't healthy when he got with her, and he got sucked into her dark world where he could hide too.

Obviously something in your own house is not in order that you are even at this point. Maybe it is time to find out what that is, and fix it.

I personally think you would be better cutting her out of your life completely. You are not in any position to help her. It is not your responsibility to help her either. When she wants help, she'll ask for it. She'll do what needs to be done.

Thank you all for your replies thus far. I honestly do appreciate it. When she takes heroin she does not get high. I have seen her high (larger doses of the ) it simply stops the withdrawl. She is present and in her right mind. I would never have sex with her if she was all ed up and zoned out. It's not like that. That is disgusting to me as well. I'm not going to say I don't have issues, I'm sure I do. And I'm working on figuring them out myself. All I know is that we are both deeply in love with one another. I should have added. She has very rarely asked me for money or to help her out. It's mostly been my dumb ass offering to help her because I have the means to get her "well" and take the pain of withdrawl away. So it's really been my own issue and my own fault doing this. I just love her so much and I want her to get better and over all this crap........

First, I want to say I’m sorry for your situation. And that I think you already know your answer. You need to leave her and cut ties with her completely. That is what your head is saying, but your heart wants to help her. Unfortunately, you cannot help her because with addicts – the only thing that will help them through this is if they help themselves.

I say this because she doesn't want help. 1) She used you as an enabler. Addicts will do anything to get what they need (more drugs). She is USING you. Even if she means not to. 2) She states getting “well” is to get more drugs. This is another indicator she is not in the right mindset to get off drugs. Drugs change the way you think; make you desperate. The desperation of getting a drug that will take away the fear of the pain of withdrawal can be powerful. Do not underestimate this driving force. 3) She said you were being too harsh on her when you advised her to go to rehab, not see Bob anymore etc. Another indicator she’s not in the right mindset to change. And you’re right, her being with Bob will make her situation worse. He will pull her back into taking drugs. But she clearly stated she isn't willing to do what’s right for her even though she wants to get better. A LOT of addicts WANT to get better but CAN’T get better. It’s a vicious cycle. Heroin is one of the most addictive drugs and has the worst withdrawal symptoms out of any drug. It will not be easy to change her. At the stage she’s at now, it will take a lot to change her. Most addicts lose their family, friends, relationships, possessions, etc in this process. This could be you. You could become so consumed in making her better while she fights against you, and then the relationship will end in disaster.

You have to listen to your head on this one. Being in love with this girl will only give you hardship. Being in a relationship is a two-way street. You can’t expect one to take care of the other, while the other brings you down. This is where she WILL take you. This is because, deep down, she doesn’t want to change. Your current frustrations and heartache are only the beginning. You can end it now before it gets worse. Thank goodness you haven’t been arrested already or shot by a deal that went bad. At this point you have to ask yourself: how much damage are you willing to take before you decide it’s enough with this relationship? You are at a stable point in your life right now. You can move on and spend your time looking for your true love out there. There’s still time. Don’t waste it on a lost cause.

You love her now. But recovering from heroin, one of the hardest drugs out there to come off from, might alter that perception. You might end up hating her and suffering even greater heartbreak because you care for her so much now. You stated before that you love someone for the emotional and intimate connection. But don’t let that rule your relationships. It also requires respect for each other and the decisions they make. Take my parents for example: they are equals and have unconditional love for each other in a successful, long marriage. But they have no sexual relationship anymore. Attraction is the start of the relationship, while compatibility as people make a lasting partnership of undying love. Love that becomes so great, if one dies you can never find that love ever again. Don't focus on the physical spark. Being physically attractive as a person doesn't last (because everyone ages/sparks die out) but your interactive relationship does. If you see a future together, you have to ask yourself if you are able to do this. Right now she has proved she cannot make the right decisions. And even after she recovers, have you ever heard the term, “once an addict, always an addict”. She will always be fighting this battle, for the rest of her life because she is familiar with the drug. She will always crave it – that high. Even though she won’t want to. Many addicts hate drugs because they’re so addicted to them. They’re like chains. Especially with heroin – they know it’s bad for them but they need it.

I cannot make your own decisions. However, it just seems you need reassurance from what you already know what to do. But I do recommend you at least familiarize yourself with this drug. Read some accredited articles on heroin or documentaries. Try to delve into how it changes the addicts’ lives. And please seek counseling. If I was in your situation I would change my number, delete hers, move to a different area, and never see her again. She’ll keep reeling you back in otherwise, or you will try to contact her. Honey, you are trying to change her when people cannot be changed. You can change little things, but not the essence of who she is. This is who she is: a person who makes destructive decisions, for herself and you. I wish you well and all the best.

The two of you have been codependent to one another. It goes without saying that you have been an enabler. Suggest that you find an Alanon group. There you will find people " who have been there and done that." The addict always causes saddness for those that love them. Saddness, frustration, and in many cases, loss of finances. The best thing you could do is join an Alaon group. I would also start seeing a therapist if that is all possible for you.

Wishing you the best.....chi

One word. RUN!!!!!

Look, if she really wants to get clean, there are alternatives to her getting high on heroin like getting into a methadone program to wean her off it. It will alleviate the worst symptoms of withdrawal while allowing her to focus on getting clean.

But the reality is she has to want to do it. And right now she wants that high from heroin (and trust me, she IS getting high) rather than losing that high and getting into a program. She PREFERS getting high and is willing to destroy her own life AND yours to get it. You have to just acknowledge that and be honest with yourself.

You are running huge risks of not only getting arrested yourself, but also of getting HIV/AIDS from her. so here is the truth: You are so lust addled at this point that you are on the verge of wrecking your life because you consider some drug addicts poontang to be really hot.

What is the answer here? You IMMEDIATELY call a therapist and put the money you would put into buying her drugs into getting yourself counseling to understand why you would consider wrecking your life over this, and to help you understand the difference between lust and love. You are not in love, you are obsessed with some poontang you find very attractive and exciting. But that poontang will wreck your life and land you in jail, so it is time to protect yourself and get some counseling to help you get perspective to stop this downward spiral. They will help you get to the root of why you would do this.

And DON'T enable her. Give her NO money at all. How would you feel if she ODs on some drug she buys with your money? All she needs to do is a bad batch and that happens all the time. Even if she doesn't want to die, she well might because it happens to heroin addicts all the time.

Right now, you offer to get her into rehab, but that is all you offer. Cut her off otherwise. If she doesn't work with you on that, then she never really wanted you all that much, she just wanted your money so she and Bob could go get high. Don't be naive, you really need to protect yourself here, and stop kidding yourself that this will have a happy ending. As long as she is actively using and not in a program, she cannot be your GF or the both of you will spiral into the gutter.

btw, she's a fugitive now, and you could be charged with harboring a fugitive if you let her into your house or car. And if they raid your place and there are drugs out on the tables or anywhere to be found in your house/car, you could well go to jail on possession.

And her parole office or a bail bondsman WILL be looking for her, and will eventually suss out the info that you're her BF and she might be in your house, and they will show up at your door with a warrant and can search your house for drugs. So don't mess around with this... it could ruin your life. If you meet her at all, it should be out somewhere (in a coffee shop), and only long enough for you to offer to take her to rehab or to surrender her to her parole officer so she can be put back in jail where they will force her to get clean.

Thank you all again for all the great advice. I know that I am and have been putting myself in a very dangerous position here with this woman. Believe me I am the most surprised by my own feelings towards her and my actions. I never would have dreamed I'd ever be in a position like this, and I freely admit it's all of my own doing and choosing.

I must say this however. I have never ever in my life felt like I do about another human being. I am sure that some of it is lust, she is very beautiful but it goes so much deeper than sex for me. I love her with my whole heart and everything that I am. I will not stop until she is cured of this terrible addiction. I know some will argue that she will never be "cured" and I agree with that, she will always have to fight it, but I can not stop helping her until this is over. I am willing to do whatever I can in my power to do.

That said, she has agreed to treatment. She desperately wants to get over this and get out of this life. There is much more to the story that I have not told. She is 100% on board with treatment and I am in the process of arranging that now.

There is a drug called Ibogaine. It is not legal in the US but it is in Canada, Mexico and most other places on the planet. The US drug companies are working on their own versions of Ibogaine for profit (of course) and thus they are disallowing it to be used here. So in October I have two weeks off from work and I am arranging to take her down to Mexico to get her into an Ibogaine treatment facility. If anyone else has issues with heroin or knows someone who's addicted to it I very much encourage you to look into this. It's a miracle drug. It eliminates the withdrawl symptoms of heroin, and it allows a person to go through a "forced therapy" in their own mind (it's a psychedelic), it allows one to let go of guilt and pain from their past, it also resets the brains receptors to a time before they first started using heroin. It's got an 80% success rate versus the 3% success rate of traditional detox and rehab (12 step programs etc.....) I have also looked into Alanon and will be going to get some help myself.

We just have to make it through this next month till we can leave for Mexico. If this treatment does not work then there is nothing more I can do for her. I will have to leave her and cry and get over this...but I can not stop until I've exhausted every effort to help her.

No matter what some of you might think, I do love her. I love her more than I've ever loved anyone, and I am not saying this lightly. I feel like I was meant to be brought into her life, and as hard is this may be for some of you to believe she has also brought much joy and happiness to my life and she's helped me to discover some very powerful things about my own self. I was once a very selfish person....I knew this was wrong and was making me unhappy but through this whole experience I've learned the true lesson of human altruism. I can never ever forget the lessons I've learned from this, and no matter what happens in the future with her and I, I will be and am a better person because of all this.

She really is a wonderful person deep down. Yes she's living a terrible life right now, but she wants help, she wants to change, she knows that she needs this, and the love that she has for me is helping her to get the treatment she needs. I know some of you think I'm nuts, crazy, but I truly believe as the Bible says "Love never fails." I am clinging to that. And if what we have between us is as I truly believe it to be ie. real love, then it will not fail. I can not stop loving her, I will not, and I believe my love and her love for me will help her to heal.

Thank you all again for your advice. Much of it was difficult to bear, but I read every word and considered every word and I thank you all for taking the time to respond, and I do look forward to anything more that you might wish to share.

All the best,

InLoveAndNotSoConfused

Hello OP. Thank you for the information that you shared about Ibogaine. Actually, I am certified in the field of substance abuse and I have never heard of this drug. Methadone is not the cure all, as some people believe. It is just changing one addiction for another one, albeit it, a legal drug. Methadone is also used by addicts as a means to require less heroin to make them high, to build up their tolerance level, so to speak. I am very happy that you are seeking the support of Alanon. It will help you so much. I hope that your girlfriend is able to get help from some therapy. Perhaps she will get it in the treatment center in Mexico.

How are you doing? Are you able to function at work ok?

It might be a good idea for you to start a journel on here. I think that many good learn from it and it would be therapeutic for you as well.

Best wishes...... chi

chitown, thank you for asking. I'm doing fine. Like I said, I'm a very stable person and while all this is very upsetting and distressing I find great strength inside me bolstered by the love that I have for her. I am functioning very well. My only thought is getting her the help she needs. She's tried all the obvious routes before. Methodone, Suboxone, cold turkey, detoxed several times, rehab, 12 step etc.... none of it works. The best she ever did was on Suboxone and getting back into church. She was on that for 8 months but she still had some pain and could not sleep so she relapsed. This is just a big downward spiral for her and she can not get out of it herself. She's lost her husband, and several very close friends to this drug (they have all OD'd and are no longer alive) she's also lost most of her family and her own daughter (who lives with her parents now)......there seems to be nothing that can stop her from this addiction. I'm not saying that my love or our love is stronger than all of these other things but I am hoping that what she feels for me is real (I believe that it is) and that it will be strong enough to be the right catalyst in her life. That and the Ibogaine treatment of course. That is the real key to all of this. If anything is going to work for her I believe it will be the Ibogaine. It's a real shame that more is not known here in the US about this amazing treatment. 80% success rate? That's unheard of.

Anyway, thank you for asking about my welfare. I appreciate it.

Honey, you do understand if you are caught crossing the border with her there is a chance that you will both go to jail for aiding and abetting a felon fleeing the country?

I suggest if you want to follow this plan, that you travel separately when you leave the country to avoid that likelihood at least that you'd get arrested.

I would better suggest that she deal with her legal issues first, and once she has done that, if she has been thru court ordered rehab and is in good standing with the law again, then she could consider alternative treatments to keep her clean for the long term in Mexico.

You don't want her to get a seriously long jail term if she gets caught running as a fugitive by a bounty hunter or at the border, or yourself jailed for aiding and abetting a fugitive. Getting nabbed at the border is a whole new level of punishment when it comes to avoiding the law.

You may well end up losing your good job and hence your money and ability to stay employed, and then you're both really in the soup.

You are addicted to a heroin addict, and as the drug destroys her life, it WILL destroy your life too. Get smart or get stuck.

btw, EVERYBODY thinks they've got true love in the early honeymoon phases of this... you've known her only TWO months and been sleeping with her for only TWO WEEKS and you're waxing eloquent about the depth of your 'true love.'

You're 42, and this sounds very much like a mid-life crisis for you. All this excitement and being hot on the trail of 'rescuing' a woman you consider beautiful and incredibly attractive has raised you out of the middle-aged ennui and doldrums that can hit after you turn 40 and has added an extra punch to your emotions. So you're running on adrenaline and excitement and the thrill of the chase to rescue your damsel in distress (ah, yes, feeding the idea that you're still a studly manly man with power to conquer anything including turning an entrenched drug addict and beautiful stripper into your own personal angel!). So you could easily be confusing all the strange and perplexing feelings of a mid-life crisis with 'true love.' You may not be very aware of the dynamics driving this, but it is pretty clear based on the story you are telling.

Please at least stop yourself from taking such extreme risks that you could wreck your life. I know so many people who have gone bonkers in the 40s over love affairs with younger women or people other than their spouses where they truly wreck their lives for a long long time and seriously regret the damage they have done their lives once they come back down to earth again and they sober up in the after-effects of a mid-life crisis gone wrong.

So you need to take very seriously the idea that you should not be caught with her until she has resolved her legal issues, and it will go far better for her if she surrenders to the court now and serves a short sentence for falling off the wagon than if she continues to run and tries to travel into Mexico without getting caught. She will indeed have to surrender sooner or later, and it is better to happen NOW when her sentence will be short rather than later when they catch her or she's been on the run and gotten you arrested as well for aiding and abetting a fugitive.

A judge WILL NOT CARE that you were trying to take her to Mexico for rehab via a halluginogenic drug that is illegal in this country, and in fact will probably see you as a besotted enabler who is encouraging her to run and break the law by providing her with the means to do so rather than encouraging her to turn herself in and straighten out her legal difficulties in addition to her addiction.

So try to keep your wits about you and not do permanent damage to yourself or her in your quest to grab that gusto a mid life crisis can bring on. If you want to explore your love for her, fine, but do it without destroying your life or hers by helping her run from the law and avoid her inevitable sentences/rulings based on her behavior.

Remember, you've got a stripper and a drug addict on your hands here, so right now you have not known her well enough to know what she is REALLY about, and all may not be as it seems to you right now blinded by these hormonal love feelings.

At least have the self possession to not get yourself arrested and doing time yourself, and wrecking your career, life, and earning power if you get a felony on your record. You will be in very desperate straits yourself then too, and most likely she will be looking for a new man to bankroll her addiction.

Hi there OP....just wanted to drop by and see how things are going. i have to agree that Lonnie needs to resolve her legal issues first and foremost. She has an outstanding bench warrant? If the answer is yes, then it would be foolish to try to cross the border into Mexico with her. She would be arrested on the spot and that would just complicate things because it would appear that she is fleeing the country. This sounds like this whole thing is getting messier by the minute and likely to cost you even more money than it already has. I wouild tread very cautiously. Everyone on this site is responding to you with your best interests in mind.

Your relationship with Lonnie is young. You do not know the stuff she is made of.. You have just been so busy dealing with her wreckage. I am sorry to say this, but an addict will grab onto anything or anyone to save themselves. You need to take a moment to step back and regroup. Remember, manipulation is the name of the game. Take off the rose colored glasses. This very well may not end well for you.

Get all the support that you can. Continue to confide in your mother. Tell her everything. Get into an Alanon group. You need a safety net, so get it going now.

Please come back to us and let us know how you are doing.

Always with love,

chi

Me and Lonnie are still in love and still planing our Mexico trip to go to the Ibogaine clinic there. She's 100% committed to getting off of heroin and can't wait to be clean. Her legal issues have been cleared up.

Just wanted to update.

Thank you for the update. Best wishes and keep us informed. chi

Man I wish y'all the best.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Just wanted to update. Well, in short, you were all right and I was wrong. I was blinded by what I thought was love and made a lot of stupid choices and decisions. We went to Mexico, she had her treatment and when she got back she almost immediately relapsed. She went right back to her friend Bob and started using Xanax again. I ended things with her that day and have not had much contact with her since. I've learned you can't "fix" people. They need to fix themselves and only if they really want it. Addiction is a mother ****er for sure.....hard lesson learned and I can't believe what I've done for "love".....I'm happy I got out of this situation mostly unscathed, big financial drain to be sure but I learned a lot about life, love and myself in the process so I wouldn't change anything, but man what a lesson. A big thanks to those of you who were supportive and tried to tell me so. I'm sorry if I was mean in some of my replies, I was blinded by lust and what I thought was love, I know better now and am trying to heal.

Sometimes the emotions can blind you. You cant change people you can only try to guide. Being addicted is really hard to get out of but its possible. All you can do is move on now.

I'm really sorry, OP. I was reading through the comments and was hoping things turned out the opposite. I hope the road to recovery from this toxic relationship is a smooth one. I think it may be a good idea for you to continue Al-Anon for a little while and see what is was that drew you to this person.

Best of luck to you! Feel free to PM if you need someone to talk to.

Thanks everyone, I do continue to see her....I just can't give her up, but things have changed a lot. She's not using heroin as much, but then again our involvement is quite limited now, I don't ask her what she's up to, I don't try to control her drug use. I no longer provide money or rides or anything that puts me in danger. It's so very hard to heal from this....... I love her so much still, and I'm still very much in love with her. When I do see her and she's lucid she's such an amazing person....and I'm so hopeful that she'll stick to the clean path and really make a change, but I know the chances are very very slim. The ibogaine did it's job as an addiction interrupter but that will not last forever. She has between 3 months to a year for the ibogaine to leave her system entirely and then it will be....well, business as usual. Right now she's using Xanax still and opiate based pain pills that I know of. Like I said I've limited my involvement as much as possible and I'm trying to move on....but it's very hard. I love this woman to the very depths of my soul...... It sucks in short, but I'm coping. It's all I can do. I am her friend but I offer no support other than encouragement and love and friendship. I wish I could detach my heart from feeling for her like I do but right now I can not. So I'm kind of stuck at the moment, trapped, but willingly. I want her so much, but I know things will most likely never change or work out.... Such is life. I am a better person because of all this, I've learned so much about myself and life and love. The past 4 months have been the most enlightening and most frightening time of my life. The best and the worst. I just can't get her out of my head.

Dude...she is a drug addict and you are in denial.