Ended it yesterday

I finished it yesterday with this guy I was dating, the investment banker some of you may know from previous threads. I finally plucked up the courage. It was a very sad parting and we both cried lots. I feel lost and numb and sad .. trying to somehow slowly get used to just my own company again. I am doubting myself. I try to remember that I was unsure, that we had very different approach to life, really different interests etc. I wonder if I am just chasing an illusion, a pipe dream of love that doesn't exist. I gave this a good go but somehow I never managed to say I love you. I wanted to feel inlove, some butterflies and enthusiasm. I wanted to write him poems, do silly little love things, plan ahead with him.. and I just couldn't.

During the course of this relationship I have had anxiety attacks for the first time in my life. I did have some disappointments but I wonder if it was related to the relationship too. I neglected my creativity and my artistic escapades, I was missing being silly and having fun. It was nice with him but something was just not quite happening for me. I felt intimidated by him being divorced and having kids, I found myself not wanting to live together and have kids with him. I was also concerned that his parents wouldn't approve of me (they want someone richer for him and possibly british too). He had no friends or hobbies and dreaded time alone. His self expression was blocked..He told me how disappointed he is of his life, how unhappy he has been. I felt nice helping him express himself but in the end I dunno..I ended up not pursuing my own stuff because of lack of enthusiasm influence.

I guess I am hoping this was the right choice. I need to see how I am without him, I needed to take that risk. Regardless, I developed feelings for him and connected in a different way to previous partners. He had some traits I really hope I find again. I am trying to slowly focus on my stuff again but right now I feel sad and a big sense of loss..I wonder if I will meet someone else so available, how time is running out for me to have a family, how I hate being complicated and feeling the things I do sometimes..But I felt I had to do it.

I was gonna tidy my room and wash my clothes but I have no motivation to do anything right now. Feels like an effort to even wash my hair.

I am looking for some sort of support or reassurance that this is the right thing, I did it out of respect for him too.

This is not the end but instead a new beginning. you will always have the island. take it one day at a time.

>>During the course of this relationship I have had anxiety attacks for the first time in my life. .He told me how disappointed he is of his life, how unhappy he has been.

Quirky, that is enough to tell you you were feeling trapped and it just wasn't right. You were suppressing yourself to serve as his emotional caretaker, and that is not a healthy relationship. If he was unhappy and disappointed with life, he needed to take that to a therapist and not drag you down with him.

A good relationship expands your horizon, brings you happiness, contentment and a safe haven. If those weren't the feelings this relationship was giving you, it wasn't right. The feelings you are describing are more about being untrue to yourself and to narrow yourself and suppress yourself to try to fit into his world rather than contentment and happiness and enjoyment of each other. And of course you are getting a blast angst that is more about adjusting to being alone without a partner than missing this particular person and how he made you feel. And if his kids were part of the deal and you weren't enthusiastic about accepting and raising them, then frankly it was just never going to turn out well whether you stayed or not.

We can find all kinds of people in this world to be friends, but those we actually partner with have such a huge influence on ourselves and our emotional health and wellbeing, that if a person isn't providing you with the majority of GOOD feelings rather than worry and discontentment, then you shouldn't choose them as a partner.

And try not to let yourself go into an existential angst because he wasn't the partner you hoped he'd be. You will of course have to go thru a period of time where you re-adjust to the single state, but it will go better if you focus on the reasons why you couldn't live with him comfortably for the rest of your life and recognize it was better to cut your losses than to try to ram a square peg into a round hole.

I was definitely feeling trapped mostly at the beginning, I tried to leave before but he wasn't having it, I'd ask for space and he'd send me flowers and a teddy. I'd say I am unsure about us he'd say I am just having a mid life crisis. I ended up constantly questioning myself and lost my strength.

But he wrote a poem and was crying and was willing to even join my hobby with me. Saying how he wants to look after me, to call with whatever I might need, how much he wants a family..I felt so sad for him like he wants so much to be needed and how disappointed he is at his divorce. I guess if you don't have friends and hobbies the relationship becomes everything. I don't know what it was..I can't say he drained me as such but I just stopped being as excitable as I was.

>>I'd ask for space and he'd send me flowers and a teddy.

Well, that is manipulative, isn't it? That is not giving you space, that is trying to reel you back in. I read one of your earlier threads where he'd turn a lot of expressions you made into talking about himself rather than really 'hearing' you and not having it be about HIM.

He sounds super needy and smothering. And if it was this way in the beginning, it would indeed drain you over time. It could mean that he is still depressed about the breakup of his former family and is DESPERATE to cram someone else into that role because he hates being alone and is a bit hollow on his own without someone else to prop him up. That kind of narcissistic situation becomes truly exhausting/smothering after a while. In another year or two when you're getting really sick of it the flowers and teddy would just enrage you and you'd be desperate for space.

If you aren't thrilled with things this early on when most couples are in a happy little love bubble, it will really torture you later because his personality/needs don't mesh with yours. I'm a really independent person too, and the truth is if you are an independent type, you need to find someone who values that and is able to have a rich inner life of his own rather than trying to suck you dry because he is hollow with no interests of his own.

It's okay.... you've come to realize some things. Where you two got along and where you didn't.

You've finally come to admit it wasn't going anywhere. Lacking in some necessary area's for you.

It is best to admit so and back off, so you can both start again with your lives and heal.

Yes, break up is hard on both. It all takes time.

You did the right thing..you tried but he just wasn't the right guy for you and it was obvious in all the threads you've posted about him.Hugs.

I think you did the right thing also. Hang in there -the self-doubt will subside (and I hope soon).

Ah quirky, hugs to you. I think shortly you will feel better. It sounds like you liked the guy, but just not in a romantic way. And you tried to make things work, I remember your other posts. But sometimes no matter how hard you shove that glass slipper on your foot if you aren't his particular Cinderella that shoe just isn't going to fit.

I think this guy was both a bit of an escape, but also a tremendous drain on your energy. He sounds negative and more than a little bit of a downer. When you find your creativity shutting down and you're an artist, it's time to pay attention to who is your environment blocking that light. I know it's rough right now, but I think you're going to feel better sooner than you think right now. And yes, you deserve to be silly and happy and yourself with someone and in love, so even though it doesn't feel like it just now you stopped "settling" and that's always a good thing.

You're going to be okay.

Quirky, you did the right thing.

With the right match will you shine and grow in the skin that is most naturally yours and he will be glad in it.

Too much noise in this one.

I'm sorry for your loss at having to let this one go, though.

I don't know what it was..I can't say he drained me as such but I just stopped being as excitable as I was.

Oh, he drained you, all right. Suffocation is enough to cause anyone to have panic attacks. Squelching yourself to become someone else's lifeline is not only unhealthy, it's crushing.

You did the right thing. You spared both of you a lot more pain down the road. The relief you'll feel soon is well worth the discomfort you feel now, and I hope you'll hold onto that.

Head high.

I'm sorry you are feeling down, little quirkyella.

I do think you are doing the right thing.

I look forward to hearing about the new music and experiences you create in the days to come. It would be shame to see as bright a light as yours be dimmed. I happen to think someone like you can not help but bring great things in your world when you are shining. So even though you can't see how it is all going to happen yet, I have total faith great things are yet to come for you.

It could mean that he is still depressed about the breakup of his former family and is DESPERATE to cram someone else into that role because he hates being alone and is a bit hollow on his own without someone else to prop him up.

I got that impression too. He also told me that his social life was pretty much going on dates. I found that a bit sad but maybe it's more common than I think..? My own social life was seeing friends, hanging out with colleagues (his work environment sounded so grim and competitive, NOTHING like mine), studying, volunteering, attending debates, performances.

Nevertheless he was honest. I am independent too in many ways, mostly regarding intellect and integrity, but not in others. I can be needy myself and found that aspect relaxing with him.

even though it doesn't feel like it just now you stopped "settling" and that's always a good thing.

All my friends said the same thing.

He was negative and confessed to it regularly. He said I really helped him with that. I didn't mind helping him but I remember at times feeling my wings were clipped because I wanted to dream and come out with ideas and he'd bring me back to reality so instantly.

Do you guys have charity shops in the US? I had an idea of recording a CD in different charity shops of a certain charity, let's say Cancer Research, do each track in a different location and keep the ambience , maybe have the customers do some backing vocals and be involved and then give the profits to that charity. I thought it was such a fun idea but I remember how quickly he told me it couldn't work, I can't remember why though lol

The creativity thing is huge for me, it's my home to some extend. So is helping work. I make very little money but will try and give £5-£10 here and there when I can. I had also joined this site where you send anonymus letters of hope to people and I was SO excited when I wrote my first letter and left it on a coach to the airport. I remember sharing it with him and sure he was supportive but just not feeling it much. It all stopped me from doing these things eventually. I look forward to writing more letters now.

I look forward to hearing about the new music and experiences you create in the days to come. It would be shame to see as bright a light as yours be dimmed. I happen to think someone like you can not help but bring great things in your world when you are shining. So even though you can't see how it is all going to happen yet, I have total faith great things are yet to come for you.

Awww, mate..you'll make me tear up.

Many people have told me similar words throughout the years, I can't fully know why obviously..but I need to believe in myself more. I let this guy push me around somehow, I got sucked in his bossiness (which I partly liked).

Changes are to come in that I am starting an intense two year course in 2 weeks time. I am also looking to move, see if I can find a nicer flatshare. My friends called me and offered themselves and I am so grateful for them. I wonder how my friendships are so strong and solid and I can't be the same with romantic relationships..

Thank you all for teh words of encouragement. I guess it is normal to miss him at this point.

>>I guess it is normal to miss him at this point.

I was in a marriage that was so wrong in so many ways and left it, and it is hard in the beginning because the person is a habit and you are used to having them in your life and will feel a void until the habit subsides, which can be a couple months (or longer if it was a really long relationship). Once you get past that 'habit breaking' phase, the self doubt and questioning and remorse will subside.

I told myself those feelings post breakup were like a kid who knows they eventually must give up their binky or blankey... that person you are letting go is familiar to you and you are used to having them around, but sometimes you just have to tough it out and give up things that act like a security blanket but are not good for you in the long run or who don't really fit into the life you want to live.

So you'll miss them for a while until you break the habit of him and get used to it and fill your life with other things.

Yes it is normal to miss him and also normal to try to convince yourself that his flaws justified your ending it. Instead, maybe just accept that you two didn't have enough in common despite both being good people. Unless I'm missing something that's the case here, right?

Maybe with the CD thing he expressed it inartfully (pun intended) but was concerned about the issues from your using others' music? I agree he should have focused first on your honorable and thoughtful intentions -and creativity.

I got an email from him today

I have a fictional character that gives advice and helps people and he adressed it to her. He was writing to her how upset he is, how the problems could be easily solved and how much he wants to be with me. Build a home and a future. That he struggles to go out because it reminds him of me, that if the relationship was more steady then he'd possibly be more playful, that the kids is not as big deal as I make it and that it was life stresses that got in the way too.

I don't know what to do. Whether to reply to him as my fictional character and encourage him to focus on himself or as me and say that I need time to gain perspective and cannot rush into anything until I feel more certain.

I have been feeling lost and sad too but I gather it's normal and was thinking of just waiting out and see if it gets better. I really feel for him

I would say to reply as the fictional character and tell him to focus on himself.

Your sentence about time/cannot rush sounds like you are willing to entertain getting back together --- which I gather you are not.

If you can see yourself getting back together in the future then tell him that you need some time/space to think things out and you will be in touch in __ time period if you think it would be a good idea. Make sure to tell him you know that of course you might lose your chance to be with him by walking away for now.

I think if I reply as my fictional character he will feel he can send more emails. I text him that I had been unsure from the start and need to see this through to gain perspective. That back and forth is not good for neither of us. I don't take him for granted, he can find many women easily, I am aware of that.

Update

I wanted to update about the events that took place regarding this guy.

After we broke up..

he sent me the email to my fictional character on the 16/09. I replied to that with warmth but reiterating that I don't want to continue.

He then sent me flowers with a drawing of a portrait of me, a letter and a CD he had put together where he was asking me back. That made me really sad. I replied and he emailed me again on the 08/10.

He then sent another email on the 19/10 where I decided to be more upfront and honest, after all he thought I loved him but had issues. And my oh my...that started an array of emails and texts about how I have destroyed him and the little self esteem he had, how betrayed he feels, accusing me of cheating on him and all sorts. I exclaimed that I didn't cheat on him and he is fabricating things etc. This then spiraled into nastiness and let me tell you...noone has spoken to me like this in my whole life. Calling me patronising cow and to f** off and that I have used him and act like mother Teresa. I mean.. wow. I wanted to write here but was so distressed about the whole episode.

The next day he apologised profusely and did so again today where he sent me yet another email and texts. But in the meantime he also sent me a letter/parcel with anything I ever bought him, broken things, ripped up cards etc. He asked me not to open it and that it was in a moment of pain and mania that took over from how hurt he was feeling.

Needless to say I was scared and totally disillusioned. His messages today have been apologetic and regretful. I have apologised too. About mixing up my boundaries and not being able to make a firm decision earlier. About not being diplomatic enough in my last email. About being judgemental in the past.

So yeah. I wanted to share that. It's been pretty awful. But I am picking up that I should have been so much more assertive. For anyone that will possibly jump on that I wanted to say that I am in a line of study where I am trying to be more understanding of others' pain and I have lost my sense of boundaries at the moment; how much I should be accepting and allow someone to feel what they feel and how much of it affects my own well being. I have slept little and bad the last 3 days, cried and been worried he'd wait outside my job, house or even post pics of me. At least after tonight's text exchange I am not that worried. I can't know what lurks underneath now though. Because now he's again at the other extreme of idolisation. Interesting what pain does.

So yeah...not so great. Hopefully that is the end of it. I feel very guilty for sure. But ultimately very confused about this whole relationship.

Wow that is a lot of drama. Sorry you went through that. I think you need to realize in general that firmness and silence is kind. Wishy washyness and continuing the communication has the opposite effect. Look at all the folks around here who talk about how their healing process didn't begin until the dumper stopped communication .... which some call breadcrumbs.

I think this guy has been out of line with you but only you can stop this. No more contact. None. Block his messages. If he mails you anything else pitch it or give it away before opening.

My parting words: being a doormat is cruel to you both. Only firmness and boundaries are kind.

wow that's really shocking and you didn't deserve any of that, I agree that you should go NC.

firmness and silence is kind.

I will take that on and assimilate it into my life more.

I honestly struggle to understand he loved me this much. Calling me soulmate. How.

wow that's really shocking and you didn't deserve any of that, I agree that you should go NC.

At least he apologised. Claimed he wants me back, will treat his depression. And jokingly wrote that in time to come I might make the right choice...(and get back with him). Under the same breath he said he doesn't expect me to neither fully deserves me.