A month without him, is he a sociopath?

My boyfriend ended things with me and it's been a month, i'm still really upset we were together for a year.

After i told my best friend how he treated me and what he did she said straight away he sounds like a sociopath. We got together so quickly and he was perfect, i can't even explain how perfect he was, within a week or two he told me he was in love with me, i practically stayed at his every day and never left.

within a few months cracks were about to show. I noticed he had no empathy to situations and he lied alot. By generally just being around him i realised unless someone effected him himself he was never upset, showed no remorse or wasnt ever sorry for something he did.

When hed do something wrong he blamed it on me and would get angry at me, on christmas eve he punched a hole through the wall when i caught him doing something he shouldnt have done. It wasnt a healthy relationship and i know im better off, but i fell in love with this guy. I made him my world, we had a cat together and would lie about feeding her, he even lied a few times about being at work and would portray the whole day what he was doing at work what he was eating for lunch etc and when i'd get sent out of work early, id come home and hed be sitting there.. so he lied about stuff like that for no reason. He didnt have a driving license was driving on a provisional for 15 years until he got caught (i didnt know)

We ended when we went out to dinner with a big group of people, obviously because of all his above behaviour wed argue alot because id be so frustrated with his behaviour, he bought me a drink at the bar with my own card and without telling me he paid for my dinner on my card while we were there i assumed he sorted it and i was to give him the money if he wanted, he doesnt tell me for 4 hours until were home alone. i went mad as i didnt see why he would just take my card and pay for stuff i didnt instruct it waa the principle so i was angry at him shouting basically asking what the hell and why was he treating me like this he screamed back and was swearing at me and called me names i got so angry i was brushing my teeth and threw a glass in his bathroom which damaged the side ive never been like this and his behaviour was so mind baffling i was completely frustrated. i didn't even know i did it until it happened and i immediately apologised and cleared it up he went crazy and walked out slept somewhere else, i had been pretty low as it was a week after i got made redundant, and it was just before my birthday too he came back and said he cant take anymore and that its over. he didn't cry or get upset once he was just staring through me. He hugged me at one point and i thought he was changing his mind but it wasnt it was just to comfort me then hed turn angry again i tried to explain i didnt want this and did the typical pleading etc he walked out the house bought me a bag of binliners and made me pack up my stuff and he just left to go out to a friends bbq.

we shared a cat and he doesnt look after her properly but because of the sudden breakup the only place i can stay right now because im redundant is my dads and he has 5 dogs so i couldnt take her, he also has my passport and other stuff there and is ignoring me, he wont speak to me to get this stuff back and even if he finally responds to a message itts full of hate and abuse, i dont get how he can be this heartless then i started reading about sociopaths.

the reason im so upset is i know we can never go back but im feeling all this heartache and pain and because he has this disorder he never will? its so hard knowing he will never feel what im feeling because he hasnt got the capacity to.

Can anyone give me advice to get over this?

He does sound like a sociopath, I know u fell for him but you need to keep reminding yourself of his awful behaviour and realise this is not the kind of person you want to get serious with, you deserve better.

You can decide that this guy was nuts and that was the only problem, or you can question why you'd jump right into such an intense involvement with anyone too quickly to get to know him from a healthy distance.

Too much too soon isn't a pathology, it's a choice and a behavior that healthy people don't make.

If you want to find a healthy love, you'll need to behave in healthy ways yourself. Date people patiently and from a distance that allows you to objectively observe your dates and spot red flags. Weed out the guys who display those, and move forward to date other guys until you find one who is patient and not 'in love' before he's even gotten to know you well enough to 'love' you.

Advice from grandma: The problem is not that snakes will cross your that, they will. The problem comes when you're too insecure or lonely to avoid picking up the snake to play with it.

Figure out how to avoid playing with snakes.

...i got so angry i was brushing my teeth and threw a glass in his bathroom which damaged the side ive never been like this and his behaviour was so mind baffling i was completely frustrated.

I think it's irrelevant what his issues are. The way to get over it is to look at your own behavior. Is this the person you want to be? Think about your part in things and what you can do differently next time. And always be wary of someone telling you that he loves you within two weeks of knowing you. That's too fast, in my opinion.

Use this time at your dad's to get your life together. Work on getting a job, your own place, etc.

OK, first, let's remove the term sociopath and just look at his behavior. You need to ask yourself why you put up with someone who behaved this way regardless of what label you put on him, and why you would even consider for a minute going back to someone who so blatantly lied, stole your credit card, behaved badly etc. The problem is you are doing what many people do, which is look at your BF as a fixer upper project where you ignored horrible behavior because you don't want to be alone and break up and you are unrealistic in thinking a grown person is going to develop moral fiber when they clearly have none. People are who they are, and you can't wish away the parts you don't like in hopes the person will behave differently.

So, he may or may not have been a sociopath. And whether or not he was, he has given clear evidence he has bad moral character and is not going to change, since there are many other personality constructs such as narcissists or even just spoiled selfish people who have no desire to change and no ability to change because they are fine with themselves.

So you need to let him go because he has demonstrated he lacks character and it wasn't working. Why on earth stay with a guy who lies about something like feeding your cat? And takes your credit card. And lies about working when he doesn't. and doesn't have a driver's license after 15 years? There are so many problems there that whatever nice things about him you liked just don't overweight the bad things.

So now focus on practical concerns. If he has something like your passport and clothes and won't give them back or respond to you, that is a legal document that you need to get back because he could use it to steal your identity or credit/finances or even sell your passport for a lot of money and get you in BIG trouble if someone uses it for criminal activities. So you need to immediately send him some kind of notice in writing that you want to set up a time to come get your stuff. If he won't agree to it within a couple of days, contact the police and tell them he refuses to surrender your stuff which is theft, and a worse crime if he is stealing your legal identity documents, which is a serious crime. They will if necessary escort you to his house to retrieve your items or get a court order to do so.

Next, if he doesn't feed you cat and he really is a sociopath, the cat could be in danger, in fact, already be dead or dumped somewhere else or given away. Sociopaths don't really bond to anything and see living creatures and people more as 'stuff' like a pair of shoes and don't really bond with them though they do pretend to bond if it suits their purposes. So he will see the cat as an old pair of shoes he doesn't like anymore and could discard it in any number of ways.

So don't wait on this, take it very seriously and think about the cat and your passport rather than crying over this loser and wanting him back. You are better off getting the cat and re-homing it than leaving it with him for him to starve, abuse, kill or abandon on the road somewhere because he is angry at you or bored with the cat.

Once you've gotten your passport and the cat (if he still has it), then you should consider counseling to decompress from this relationship and understand why you stayed with a guy who behaved so badly, so that you won't do it again. You also need to learn that 'frustration' is a sign that something is going seriously wrong and not just continue on the same path in future, and learn to control your temper such that you don't end up in jail for assault if next time you lose your temper you throw something that injures someone.

You can decide that this guy was nuts and that was the only problem, or you can question why you'd jump right into such an intense involvement with anyone too quickly to get to know him from a healthy distance.

 

Too much too soon isn't a pathology, it's a choice and a behavior that healthy people don't make.

I agree. It doesn't help you to start searching for some pathology of the guy who dumped you. Obviously you are biased because you are hurting and you are desperately seeking an answer for why he hurt you.

You just have to realize that you have 50/50 ownership of an unhealthy relationship - because you chose him, because you went fast/did too much too soon, because you stuck around for his lies, because YOU (even though you don't want to admit it) - engaged in very bad behavior as well. Throwing a glass is dangerous and abusive behavior as well and that's what YOU did. So ask yourself why you aren't thinking about your actions and how to be healthier and why you were so willing to jump into something serious with someone you didn't know.

You should read up on YOU ... do you have insecurity issues, emotional dependency issues, etc and work on THAT because THAT is what you can control.

And I agree that you need to focus on getting another job.

He sounds like an immature child....not a sociopath.

I don't have dependancy issues etc when i first met him i was still getting over the death of my mum and he basically gave me all this false security etc thats why it happened so quick, i know its not right.

I'm over the grieving now, i can be on my own but i'm just hurting. Never in any relationship ive ever had have i been angry or acted abnormally ie throwing the glass, he brought out frustration only anyone can understand when in that position, i'm just finding it difficult that i gave him everything and there has been no thought on his side as to how i feel, even my cat i havent seen for a month. I've asked to see her and he ignores me.

Well, you are being dependent/passive if you are not actively insisting you get your stuff and passport back and make arrangements to put the cat elsewhere rather than leaving it with someone who you know doesn't even bother to feed her.

Focus on getting your own power back... as in taking charge of your life and if he won't respond to contact to give you your items back, then contact the police and have them call him and tell him he must surrender your things and passport and cat or else he will be arrested for theft.

Frustration comes out of being passive and doing nothing while tolerating things you feel you shouldn't have to tolerate. So if you find yourself getting frustrated to the point to getting violent and throwing things, it means you are passive rather than actively dealing with whaterver problems are causing that level of frustration. So if there are serious problems in the relationship that pile up and never get solved, then it really does become a dependency/passivity issue where you continue to live in a horrible situation rather than standing up for what you know is right and leaving someone who is behaving really badly if he refuses to change.

So start taking back your life TODAY. Don't passively wait for him to respond. He's got your passport and your cat, and if he is refusing to surrender them to you by ignoring you for a whole month, then it is theft and you need to contact the police and get them involved in retrieving your passport and pet.

So we may understand your frustration, but you do own the responsibility to resolve that frustration by adjusting your life to match the reality of the circumstances rather than just expecting him to change or fix your feelings. He can't do that. Only you can do that and also do what it takes to improve your life, and that means getting your stuff back and via the police if necessary, and losing this loser out of your life because he doesn't change and behaves really badly and in a way that is intolerable so no point trying to continue in a relationship with him. Otherwise that is your bad where you keep beating your own head into the wall and hammering the same nail that you should know by now is getting no results, so you have to woman up and leave him.

btw, this is hard news, but once a breakup happens, you cannot expect another person to care about you. They've just told you they don't want to care about you. A decent human being responds well after a break up and will cooperate over things like giving you your stuff back, but you can't expect them to be responsible for fixing your feelings or continuing to be a source of emotional support.

So if you need emotional support, never look for it from the person who just broke up with you. That is like returning to the source of your pain and expecting it to cure your pain. It doesn't work that way. You must own your own feelings and look for support from other people and not expect him to 'care' about you once he has broken up with you.

It is reasonable to expect him to surrender your stuff and passport and cat ASAP, but not to expect him to continue to treat you as if you still have open access to him and his apartment when you feel like it to see your cat. If you want to keep the cat, then you need to find somewhere else other than his place for it to go until you are in a circumstance where you can live with the cat. Or make arrangements for him to keep it until you are ready to take it, but don't expect to stop over at his place to see it once he's broken up with you until you are ready to pick it up and take it. It is not his responsibility to allow you open access to him, his place, and the cat just because you want to see it if you haven't taken responsibility for taking it back from him.'

If you genuinely think he won't take care of the cat, than rather than focusing on your feelings about the breakup, you should really be focusing on rescuing the cat and getting it away from him ASAP. Look for a foster situation where a friend or other cat rescue group will take it for a while until you are ready to take it. Then get the police involved in getting you into his apt. to get your stuff. But keep in mind if you don't have proof the cat is yours (rather than his) you may not be able to retrieve it. But if he doesn't care for it properly, then he may want it gone when you show up, so be prepared to take it. If necessary the cat can live in a bathroom or a room where the dogs don't go at your father's place until you can move.

I don't have dependancy issues etc when i first met him i was still getting over the death of my mum and he basically gave me all this false security etc thats why it happened so quick, i know its not right.

I'm over the grieving now, i can be on my own but i'm just hurting. Never in any relationship ive ever had have i been angry or acted abnormally ie throwing the glass, he brought out frustration only anyone can understand when in that position, i'm just finding it difficult that i gave him everything and there has been no thought on his side as to how i feel, even my cat i havent seen for a month. I've asked to see her and he ignores me.

I think you need to take some time to be more honest with yourself about your role in this. The loss of your mom made you more desperate. But now hopefully you know jumping into a relationship is not really a great idea.

Your grief over the break up is excusable but violence is unacceptable and blaming someone else for your violent behavior is the type of mentality abusers have.

I think you need to take some time to be more honest with yourself about your role in this. The loss of your mom made you more desperate. But now hopefully you know jumping into a relationship is not really a great idea.

 

Your grief over the break up is excusable but violence is unacceptable and blaming someone else for your violent behavior is the type of mentality abusers have.

I've smashed one glass on the floor, I don't think that's abusive behaviour. it's not acceptable but he wasnt even in the same room, it was in despair

You need to learn how to handle your grief. Smashing a glass is dramatic....and simply creates a mess that needs to be cleaned up.

I've smashed one glass on the floor, I don't think that's abusive behaviour. it's not acceptable but he wasnt even in the same room, it was in despair

It's abusive because it's meant to show someone else how angry you are. Doesn't matter if he was in the same room, he was certainly aware it was happening. And it just shows you can't control your emotional reactions, which is a problem.