I want him back so badly

Okay I'll try not to make this too long.

To preface this, I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Abandonment and breakups are hard for me and are immediately followed by suicidal thoughts, frantic texting and calling...I'm trying to work on this but it's hard for me.

My ex and I go to the same college, same year. I had a suicide attempt in February and our school forced me to take a year off. I've been home since then, completing credits at the local community college. It sucks and I'm lonely, but I'm working on my recovery because I want to go back to my school more than anything.

In March my ex contacted me on Facebook. We never met each other while at school but I accepted his friend request on a whim. Right away he started poking me on Facebook. I figured "why not?" and poked back. He finally messaged me and right away we had a spark. I told him secrets about myself, and we talked for hours. He finally convinced me to come visit him in his city when he came home for a weekend. His city is very close to where I live, so I said sure. I knew he was starting to have romantic feelings just from our talking. I was apprehensive and didn't want to jump into anything.

We met up. There was a spark. We went on a date and it was great. Things went on from there. He came home for the summer and we met up a lot in his city and went on all kinds of dates. It was very passionate and fun. We connected on a great level and fantasized together about when I come back to our school in January. We kept in touch via text when we weren't together. I was excited and saw this guy in my future, and wanted to keep building on our relationship for when I come back to school. Twice he doubted his feelings for me but always came back right away after he realized what we have. We always managed to move past it and be stronger.

Well, the other night he dropped the bomb on me. He said he can't keep "doing this". He said we should just end it. I did NOT see this coming. I was excited to come back to school in a few months and be with him. He stressed that he really wants to be best friends and it would kill him to lose me completely. I cried. I pleaded on the phone. I said let's just try again when I come back to school. He remained firm that he just didn't have romantic feelings for me anymore. I was crushed.

Today we texted. He begged me not to cut him out completely and he needs me in his life... and he told me he met someone new already and is interested in seeing where things will go. He says he doesn't know if she is better than me because they just met but knows he "can't date me anymore". What the hell? I have no idea where this even came from, and so soon too. Well, whatever, I figure it's just a stupid rebound that will go nowhere anyway. She lives in his city and he's going back to college this weekend anyway, 4 hours from where he lives. It'll probably crash and burn.

He asked if we could still be friends, again. He said he promises he will be close and a true best friend for life. I said fine, sure but if you get a new girlfriend, I will have to completely kick you out of my life so I don't get hurt. He said okay.

Now we are texting, reminiscing about our first date. He still has a high interest in meeting up again. He knows I love him deeply and wants there to be a spark again. He keeps saying we can't keep dating. I want this to be like last time he tried to leave me - realize his true feelings and what we have and come running back. I'm scared to meet up with him. Of course I do! I want to show him there is still chemistry. The last time we saw each other was our last date, when he took me to his country house and we had a great night cuddling and talking about deep things. That was 3 weeks ago, and the break up was 2 days ago. I want him back so badly. Our time together was amazing and we worked so well together, he even admitted it on our last date! I have zero idea why he suddenly feels different.

He's going back to school this weekend and I can't come back until January. It's going to suck. He wants to plan a meet up for us. He still wants to text every day. And I want to be friendly and build us back up. I just don't know how. I'm trying to be a little flirtatious in texts and bring up little things we did in the past that we bonded over. I hope this works...I feel so alone and he was everything I ever wanted. I miss him, his face, his voice. We talked on the phone last night for an hour talking everything over. I don't want this to be the final chapter for us. I want him to want me again and I have no idea what to do or how to act when we do meet...

I can't stop crying and get sick whenever I eat...ugh...I'm just so scared

You can talk & text with him all you want.. BUT, how healthy is this going to be for YOU?

Yes, it hurts a lot, to lose someone you really got so close to.. but he has spoken..

"He remained firm that he just didn't have romantic feelings for me anymore. "

it is pretty much imposible to have a friendship with and Ex until those 'feelings' are gone. Otherwise you're just going to keep feeling this pain.

it's best to jsut cut the ties totally. He admitted he's not interested in you romantically.

Do you really want to be this guys 'friend', so you can hear about his updates on women etc?

"he told me he met someone new already and is interested in seeing where things will go. He says he doesn't know if she is better than me because they just met but knows he "can't date me anymore""

I have this hope that if we see each other again for the first time in a while we can rekindle things and perhaps rediscover what we like about each other again...

It sounds like you're being put into the role of the Fallback Girl.

Why does he get to say "I'm seeing someone new" and that he can't date you, but still needs you in his life? How selfish!

I'm sure you will both rediscover what you both like about each other if you meet up, but that's not going to be enough for you, is it? You already know that you like each other, because of all of this back and forth nonsense, but you are looking for a relationship with him that goes beyond friendship and it doesn't seem like he wants much more of that.

So he wants you there when he wants you, but if and when he stops feeling that way, are you just supposed to be waiting in the wings for your starring role? I think it's just going to hurt you more if you stay connected to him.