Should she tell his wife that he is cheating?

Hi ENA. So my friend is in a horrible situation where she got involved with a man who is married, has a child with his wife, and is expecting another in 6 months. They met because they work together, and she completely fell for him. They got along great, and spent many weeks talking and becoming close friends before anything happened. Sure enough, things started to happen and they were finding times to hook up in between work and his home life. This went on for months while he complained to her about his marriage not going anywhere and how he isn't happy with his situation torn between his responsibilities to her and his heart. However, he has basically just been trying to avoid having to deal with his actions and his wife is still in the dark about my friend. He has kept her in limbo telling her that he needs more time to decide between his heart and what he "should do" for his family. UGH he's a coward and not acting like an adult.

Well, she just got the news that his wife is pregnant again, and that is causing him to choose his wife/family over my friend. So now she is heartbroken, having wasted almost a year waiting for this guy to "come around". A bad situation made by a series of stupid choices, but that is where she is. Now, she is taking it on herself to find a way to tell the wife that she exists, and about his affair with her. I believe that it isn't really her place to do that, and am trying to convince her that it is just going to prolong her healing process by going back in and messing everything up. She will NOT listen to me, and even though it is for her own good, not out of spite or revenge (she claims), she refuses to back down from the position that he shouldn't be allowed to continue running from the responsibility of his actions.

Am I doing the right thing trying to talk her out of telling the wife? I'm pretty sure she already has a letter drafted and is waiting for the right moment to send it to her. Any advice you can all offer at how to explain to her that she is just causing more problems for herself than if she just bites the extremely difficult bullet and removes herself from the situation? I'll also note that they still currently work together, so see each other regularly.

You are. She is behaving like he's wronged her somehow - he has not. She got involved with a married man and this is what goes with it. She's brought this on herself.

The fact is, he was never leaving his wife.

I don't think you will explain it to her or save her...she allowed herself to get involved with a married man and this is what you get. Even if he dumped his family for her, what kind of prize would she have won? Congratulations, you helped destroy a family and now have "the man of your dreams" that walked away from his family for you...sure that might fill up her ego cup but in the long term it'd all come back to bite her in the butt. Maybe tell her that, that she's lucky, and to stick with available men next time.

I really don't think there is anything you can say or do to stop her from doing this. "A woman scorned...." She may try to convince you, and herself, that her reasons for telling his wife are honorable, but I highly doubt that.

He is not loyal (to her, his wife or to the next girl that comes along. And there will be a next girl) and he had no intention of ever leaving his wife or family for her or anyone. He will continue to play this game for however long he can get away with it. Telling his wife about the affair will break many hearts but will probably not end the marriage. Honestly, his wife probably has an inkling about what's been going on anyways.

The only thing you can advice your friend at this point is to learn by the mistake she has made and NOT get involved with a married man again.

Thanks for your replies. She's stuck on the idea that he will get away with this if she doesn't tell her somehow. Is there a way I can show her that is selfish and untrue? I believe in karma and don't think this will just vanish if she backs out. But he is just as responsible as she is, and she thinks he should be held to the same responsibility that she is. (Granted she doesn't have a family) Idk, I'm doing my best to talk her down, and have gotten her to agree to at least give it a couple weeks before she takes action.

I'd tell the wife, but not for the reasons your friend is.

I believe everypne deserves to know the truth, but your friend is out to hurt her.

I'd tell the wife before my friend did, but okay an evil meddler when it comes to that stuff.

I'd make a whole new FB account just to do so.

That way the truth is out, your friend didn't give the wife explicit details and it may make her thing there's another other woman and steer her away from him.

It'd be my secret.

I'd tell the wife, but not for the reasons your friend is.

I believe everypne deserves to know the truth, but your friend is out to hurt her.

I'd tell the wife before my friend did, but okay an evil meddler when it comes to that stuff.

I'd make a whole new FB account just to do so.

That way the truth is out, your friend didn't give the wife explicit details and it may make her thing there's another other woman and steer her away from him.

It'd be my secret.

You are a SNEAK!

I'm usually all for outing cheaters and if his wife wasn't pregnant, I'd tell you let her do it. But she is pregnant and if she's on the third month, a shock like that (plus the sure to follow fights with her husband) could be dangerous both for her and the baby. If I were you, I'd tell her to at least wait until after the baby has been born....and maybe she will have changed her mind by then.

Nothing was done to your friend that she didn't allow to be done to her. Now its all just sour grapes.

Being the person who is knowingly involved with a cheater is just as low as being the cheater.

Get away with what? There are really only two basic outcomes. Either the wife will go nuts, divorce him and the real victims will be their two kids who will truly pay the price of bitterly divorced parents. Following the bitter divorce, he is not going to run into your friend's arms as she imagines. He will resent her and hate her guts for wrecking his marriage and finances. Second scenario is that the wife is well aware of who her husband is and is turning a blind eye, so not only is she not going to leave him, but your friend might get a surprise aggressive response from the wife to mind her own business.

I think your friend needs to accept responsibility for her actions and the utterly stupid decisions she made, particularly any delusions that he'll ever leave his wife and the two of them will live happily ever after, and focus on getting on with her life. I doubt she is ready for that though and maybe she'll cool off and listen to you and maybe she'll learn a very harsh lesson about all of this.

It takes two too tango. What he's doing is wrong but what your friend is doing is wrong too. She's feeling used and now wants to tell his wife to get back at him OR hope the wife will break up with the husband so she can have him. I have news for your friend, it won't work out if she thinks telling the wife will bring her and the husband together. Her best bet is to step out of the situation and say nothing or else, like BigKK said, it'll come back to bite her in the butt.

I'm usually all for outing cheaters and if his wife wasn't pregnant, I'd tell you let her do it. But she is pregnant and if she's on the third month, a shock like that (plus the sure to follow fights with her husband) could be dangerous both for her and the baby. If I were you, I'd tell her to at least wait until after the baby has been born....and maybe she will have changed her mind by then.

This is a really good point, and I would mention it to her. Perhaps she doesn't care at all what happens to the family - but a defenseless fetus?! A pregnant lady?! Surely, even if she is blinded by emotion right now and can not be persuaded by reason, perhaps appeal to her heart?

It's worth a try. The rest is up to her.

Every movie I've ever seen points to not telling.

Having been the one cheated on, I had my suspicions for a long time. When the fact was confirmed I couldn't believe the people that admitted about knowing my husband was cheating and didn't come to me (my brother being one). Needless to say, I was livid! I felt let down by the people I thought I could count on the most. I felt even more humiliated knowing I was the last to know.

With that being said, I am all for letting the wife know about a confirmed mistress (too nice of a word for such a vile act). Besides, if she is anything like I WAS, she won't kick the b*****d to the curb anyway, but at least she'll know the true character of who her husband is.

Oh, and for the record, I wasn't pregnant at the time but we did have a 3 year old son. A child is a child and the hurt is just as bad either way.

Once again cheating turns out to be just what it is. Selfish people not giving one thought to the ones they are hurting.

Wait until the child and mother are doing okay and then decide. Be aware that he may come after your friend for ruining his life by outing him.

Lost

You need to find better, smarter friends, and let her dig her own grave. You are right about everything you wrote, but no matter what you advise her, she will do whatever she wants to do, because right now she is bitter and seeking revenge.

You already said your piece, now let her do whatever her brain tells her to. My guess is that she will tell the wife, hoping she'd kick him out and he'd come to her, but instead she will find herself in a world of trouble, much deeper than the one she's in now, which honestly she deserves. If I were you, I would steer clear of the mess she's gotten herself in, and reconsider my friendship with someone who proved to be so selfish, shallow and dumb.

"he complained to her about his marriage not going anywhere and how he isn't happy with his situation "

- His problem.. not hers. But he's made it hers.

Kinda selfish on BOTH, since they both knew he was married.

"Well, she just got the news that his wife is pregnant again, and that is causing him to choose his wife/family over my friend"

- Of course.. He is still married.

This is why you do NOT get yourself involved with married people. Even those, separated.

", she refuses to back down from the position that he shouldn't be allowed to continue running from the responsibility of his actions. "

- What? Leaving his family & pregnant wife.. for her?

I'm sure, in due time, the wife WILL learn about it. Either way.. I doubt your friend really WANTS to be the blame of their break up, should it happen. This could end up affecting her even more in the end.

Ewww.. and a workplace romance.. Well, they 'chose' to go there. *sigh*.

Thank you for all your feedback. I did my best and am going to distance myself from the situation. I know it really is a horrible scenario, but I don't want to abandon a friend just because they can make poor decisions. I am extremely grateful I am not in her position, and would never find myself in a situation like hers. She hasn't made any decisions yet, and I will update you all if you're interested in how this pans out. This is a person who I'm not extremely close with, but I've seen how much she is struggling lately and thought she could use a little bit of love despite being in a really bad place. Guess I should learn to mind my own business?