Ending a relationship emotionally before ending it with your significant other.

So I have been using the "Healing After Break Up or Divorce" forum a lot recently to share my story and gain support from some of the members of this forum. (You can find my thread called: I'm not coping and I sent her flowers. Am I an idiot?)

I don't want to hijack this sub-forum as you are all going through very complex, personal and emotional issues in coming to terms with ending your own relationships and what that entails for your own well being, as well as that of your partners.

However, I wanted to come here to try and gain some clarity and speak to those of you that are being the dumpers, where as in the other forum there are a lot of dumpees. Myself included having never in fact actually been a dumper, always the dumpee.

I feel that this thread, if it got enough traction might help those on the receiving end of a break up because they have an insight in to the minds of those delivering the bad news.

There are a lot of themes cropping up over the "suddenness" of a break up or that "it came out of the blue" leading on to questions like "do they miss me" or "why are they finding this so easy"

More times than not a lot of the answers look something like this: "They are doing this because they left the relationship emotionally before they split with you. They were "living a lie" before you split."

This was even a response to the ending of my own relationship which ended a week or so ago. I was with my ex for three years in the UK and US but unfortunately my visa expired in July and I had to return home and it forced us in to an LDR. Five weeks later my now ex informs me that she can't do long distance and doesn't feel happy. To me it came out of the blue and her actions since are confusing. One day she was attentive, loving and needy (even from a distance) the next she doesn't want to be with me with and initiates NC and appears to now be getting on with her life, having little thought to me, even moving on and finding dates.

Again, the response to this was that "she'd ended the relationship weeks if not months before in her mind which is why she's been able to move on"

Now this statement has got me thinking and a lot of people accused me of being in denial, I admit maybe I am. But I do know my ex and I know that she doesn't let thoughts fester and build up, if she wanted to break up with me sooner she would have. I also know that when she starts to get a thought/motion in her head she quickly acts on it, hence why I truly believe this was a sudden break up and not something thought out over a period of time.

Of course I'm asking myself after three years together "is she missing me", "why isn't she breaking NC", "why is this easy for her", "why is she looking for someone new". She told me that she still loves me and that this was due to the life change we are going through, yet he actions contradict this.

As a dumper, what are your thoughts towards this topic and about missing the person you have broken up with or are currently breaking up with. Have you checked out of the relationship months before you deliver the news, which make this all that more easier or is it as out of the blue as it appears to be to us dumpees.

Thanks for reading and I look forward to starting this discussion.

I guess some people make rash decisions. I personally don't. I can't imagine that I'd break up w/ someone after a few years w/out giving it some serious thought over a period of time. I've been the dumper in a few long term relationships and I absolutely checked out of the relationship for at least a few months before actually ending it.

I guess I held on because ending relationships is hard for me. There were good things about the relationship and I was trying to focus on those and ignore the things that made me want to break up. After so long of doing that, I realized I just couldn't and it wasn't right for the other person. I spent time looking at the big picture of the relationship, trying to decide if ending it was actually the right thing to do as I didn't want to end up regretting it after it was too late. As time went on I just kept pulling back more and more because things just weren't working.

I didn't let my SOs know this. Probably because I didn't want them to start panicking and making things even more drawn out and painful for both of us. When I think back I know I gave some signs of discontent and that things were heading that way although I never verbalized it specifically. The last bf I kept telling him "no" when he wanted to meet up for what had been our nightly walks. He said "I know you're really busy, it's OK" and I told him "Yes, I'm busy but if I felt like our walks together were positive and not stressful for me I'd make time for them but they aren't for such and such reason" He just remained in denial. This was about a month before I ended it. Besides that kind of thing I think I went on as normal w/ them but my heart and head weren't into it. I just delayed it because I knew it'd be hard on me but especially hard on them and I was in fear of having to face that reality. Things finally came to a head and I knew I had no choice so I took the plunge and did it.

I cried over it, not in front of them but my sadness was mostly because they were hurt. I did grieve the loss of the relationship but that was done more slowly over time while still in the relationship as I realized it wasn't going to work out. So for me, I've never broken up w/ someone out of the blue. I highly value relationships and wouldn't make a knee jerk decision over something small. It festers over a long period and I go back and forth trying to figure out whether I should do it or not, all the while I'm doing my own grieving process and starting to move on.

I know it doesn't seem fair and I'm not sure of a better way to handle it. There were issues I'd brought up w/ them long before the break up and they were big issues and they were things they weren't willing or able to make any effort to change and I knew I couldn't spend the rest of my life with these things going on.

1) Every break up starts with one person, namely the dumper, feeling unhappy or unsatisfied with the relationship.

2) Then comes an extensive period of time where that person might try to get past that, fix it, think about it, etc. The time and the cause might vary. How they attempt to deal with it will be highly individual not just to the person, but the issues at hand. Some people however may suffer in silence and do nothing at all until their patience runs out and then move to step 3.

3) Then comes the realization that you can't fix it, aren't happy and it's just not working out and not going to work out.

4) This is followed by a period of detachment. You are still with them, but you are in fact emotionally moving on. It's not really about being fake or lying, it's more of a mental/emotional process of facing that it really needs to end and working yourself up into finally pulling that trigger, final checks, self assurances, maybe final attempts to get that spark back, etc.

5) Finally comes the dumping part.

To the dumpee, it may seem abrupt or not. It really depends on how aware they are of the part 2 and 4 above. If the dumpee is happily oblivious to their SO's moods and needs and the changing dynamics, the break up will be invariably out of the blue. If they are more sensitive and aware, they'll see the writing on the wall and either do something about it in terms of fixing the relationship or not be surprised when it's over. Of course, there are always assorted exceptions. Someone may suffer suffer suffer and then erupt, aka dump you, abruptly. Either way, they are doing it because they've had it, whatever it is. You really shouldn't expect the dumper to feel the pain you are feeling. They sought the break up for a reason or ten.

I broke up with mine before but the process is much like the above. Figuring out if it's the right thing to do, if it can be saved, and then eventually realizing it cannot but needing to have that final push of when to go. It's very much of an emotional and mental process as well. I have also made it clear that I wasn't happy. His choice to minimize my feelings, thinking it was little rather than a serious thing.

This is a really interesting topic and I'm glad IDer89 brought this up. Although I had seen the writing on the wall for many months, I was confused in my relationship because my ex had made many comments and actions which lead me to believe she was working through the struggles because she wanted it to succeed. Then BAM, I'm done. So I've recently blocked her from my Facebook account so I can try and move on. For those that have ended a relationship, how is that interpreted? I feel like it's the right thing for me to do, but it kills me to imagine I now come accross as immature becuase she has moved on and I'm still struggling.

This is a really interesting topic and I'm glad IDer89 brought this up. Although I had seen the writing on the wall for many months, I was confused in my relationship because my ex had made many comments and actions which lead me to believe she was working through the struggles because she wanted it to succeed. Then BAM, I'm done. So I've recently blocked her from my Facebook account so I can try and move on. For those that have ended a relationship, how is that interpreted? I feel like it's the right thing for me to do, but it kills me to imagine I now come accross as immature becuase she has moved on and I'm still struggling.

Personally, I don't consider that immature at all. I'm a huge believer in NC and don't see any reason to stay in touch with ex's either directly or indirectly via FB or other social networks. I actually take that as him taking healthy steps to move on. They are no longer a part of my life and I'm no longer a part of theirs. The past is best left in the past.

Hopefully, you are getting some answers to what you were looking for.

But, I think what you have said here.. is what YOU have to let sink in.

"This was even a response to the ending of my own relationship which ended a week or so ago. I was with my ex for three years in the UK and US but unfortunately my visa expired in July and I had to return home and it forced us in to an LDR. Five weeks later my now ex informs me that she can't do long distance and doesn't feel happy. To me it came out of the blue and her actions since are confusing. One day she was attentive, loving and needy (even from a distance) the next she doesn't want to be with me with and initiates NC and appears to now be getting on with her life, having little thought to me, even moving on and finding dates."

- I feel, inside she KNEW you were going to have to leave. So, she probably stretched it out for a while, until you were gone, before she broke the news to you. ( do you think so?)

>" Five weeks later my now ex informs me that she can't do long distance and doesn't feel happy"

Since it's now long distance, I'm sure she HAS been thinking about that fact.

And one way or another, she had to break it off. Using any excuse possible.

After 3 yrs., Yes, she thinks of you. Feelings don't fade in a week.

BUT, what you are going to have to do now.. is work on accepting the facts.. and work on healing.

This will take a while. A good few months to work on this...

Meanwhile you're going to have a LOT of thoughts going on & feelings.. ( confusion, regrets, denial, heartache, etc), as this is part of dealing with 'loss'.

Give it time.. vent it out.. cry.. punch a pillow.. write.

In time.. you will come to accept it and start working on healing. Change is not always easy.

tc

Theres a lot of very eye opening points coming accross here and I am glad I started this thread. I want to respond to them properly but will do so tomorrow when I am less tired and in a better frame of mind. But in the mean time please accept my gratitude for sharing your stories.

To add on to JamesDE's point though, NC is always a killer for me and something of a double edged sword. I get it's purpose and 100% agree that you can't heal/get over someone whilst still in contact with them - even having them on social media and seeing a small window in to a life you were once involved with can undo months/years worth of recovery. But then it's a tremendous sadness that two people that were once so close can shut each other out in to a box labeled "past".

Take my ex (still can't get used to calling her that) for example, I don't think in our entire relationship we went a day without speaking to each other if we weren't physically together. We were inseparable, two peas in a pod, joint at the hip, lived in each others pockets. Not in an unhealthy way but just two people that enjoyed each others company and wouldn't get annoyed by one another. We were with each other through the end of college, exam stresses, graduation, moving, job searching, family stresses, illness & hospital stays, vacations together etc etc. We've been through a tremendous amount together. I moved countries and left everything behind just to keep us together.

And now we probably won't talk to each other for a very long time, possibly even never again. Both of us now taking our own path. To me thats the hardest part to come to terms with, knowing someone so well and caring about them to effectively never speaking to them again. It's a terrible, terrible pain and it kills me every time I've done it. This is my third time but I never thought with this one it would happen, our demise seems to be more circumstantial rather than because of our relationship, even if theres more to it....

I feel, inside she KNEW you were going to have to leave. So, she probably stretched it out for a while, until you were gone, before she broke the news to you. ( do you think so?)

 

Since it's now long distance, I'm sure she HAS been thinking about that fact.

And one way or another, she had to break it off. Using any excuse possible.

After 3 yrs., Yes, she thinks of you. Feelings don't fade in a week.

Not to turn this in to another break up help/advice thread for myself because I have seen the same pattern of questions being asked and answers being given in numerous topics since being on this forum.

But to respond to your points thats where I am personally hitting a brick wall. Its quite painful to break up with someone due to circumstance changing - I know relationships are often about timing and logistics and love doesn't always conquer all but for me personally it's caused a lot of anguish to know that someone I invested a great deal in to cannot see an immediate future because of the distance.

Even if she did feel as though it was coming to end in the weeks we've been apart her actions right now give the impression of someone not dealing with loss, where as I'm mourning her everyday.

When you really think about it, there is no other way for a long-term relationship to end. No-one ends a relationship when they are happy and in love and you don't go from being happy and in love one day to wanting out of the relationship the next. There would have been a transition period where the "dumper" (in this case, your ex) would have come to the realisation that the relationship wasn't working or wasn't what they wanted anymore. How quick that "transition" is would depend on the individual, the relationship and any other extenuating circumstances.

The doubts may have already started to set in when your ex knew you were going back to your home country. She might not have been ready to end the relationship at that point, still hoping that a long distance relationship might work but the seed of doubt would have nevertheless already been planted and deep down she may have already started moving on by simply knowing that a long distance relationship wasn't what she wanted.

I thought I knew my ex-husband. I thought he was happy. In fact I thought a lot of things that turned out to be totally the opposite. Sometimes we miss things because we are either happily skipping along totally oblivious or the other person has become good at hiding their emotions whilst they are still trying to come to terms with things.

I actually believe (as has already been mentioned) that she may have been ready to leave the relationship some time beforehand. Breaking up with someone isn't easy and she had the perfect get out clause. I don't know that of course but whichever way you want to look at it, this is something she would have given some thought too - even if not for very long (you said yourself she doesn't like things to fester).

Maybe it didn't take her long to come to her decision but she will only be doing what she wants to do.

The doubts may have already started to set in when your ex knew you were going back to your home country. She might not have been ready to end the relationship at that point, still hoping that a long distance relationship might work but the seed of doubt would have nevertheless already been planted and deep down she may have already started moving on by simply knowing that a long distance relationship wasn't what she wanted.

In all honesty there were even a few doubts in my mind, not that I wanted to end with her and part ways but that this period of separation was going to be a difficult one. At least until we adjusted to it and made plans to see each other, the first was meant to be in September.

I actually believe (as has already been mentioned) that she may have been ready to leave the relationship some time beforehand. Breaking up with someone isn't easy and she had the perfect get out clause. I don't know that of course but whichever way you want to look at it, this is something she would have given some thought too - even if not for very long (you said yourself she doesn't like things to fester).

 

Maybe it didn't take her long to come to her decision but she will only be doing what she wants to do.

This statement has been something a few people have mentioned and it is the one I struggle to come to terms with the most. Its taken a lot these past couple of days to think that there might have been something wrong for a period of time before she delivered the bad news and that I may have just been oblivious to it. The prospect of the the distance simply being an excuse is the knife getting twisted deeper in to my back. I don't believe that it was whilst I was still with her, although those were very sad times there was a lot of love and connection between us both and we tried our best to create lots of happy memories. It was her birthday two weeks before I left and I made sure I threw her the most amazing celebration she could have possibly wanted.

As I mentioned before it is the no contact that I find difficult. To go from being the most important person in each others lives, their confidant and missing piece to the puzzle to completely nothing at all. I understand it though as how can you really continue to talk to someone you were once that close with and not be in a relationship with them.

The part I don't understand though from the dumpers perspective that even if you mentally ended the relationship before you inform the dumpee, surely you must still go through the same sense of loss and missing that person afterwards no matter if you love them or not.

Thats what I don't get about my ex, even if this was something she was thinking about for a few weeks I was still a huge part of her life even from a distance. From things I found out after we broke up it just doesn't appear as though there is much grief coming from her end.

There was a thread a while back (if you want me to hunt it down and put it here I can) talking about the psychology of dumpers vs dumpees. Your frustration is a common denominator in the frustration/pain of the dumpee. How can they go from “I love you” to not wanting to talk to you at all? There was a common agreement in the thread that the grief of the breakup happens for both up front, but while the dumpee goes through a long-term pain of the breakup and missing the other person, leaving the dumpee with more painful memories; the dumper is initially relieved up front while the “missing” of the other person happens later in the future as they look back on the relationship with more fond memories. I’m close to 6 months out of my relationship and the past two weeks have been brutal for no reason at all. I’m frustrated with her and I am mentally getting to the point where I hope I never hear her voice or see her face ever again. However, for her, I’m sure she’s happy with whatever relationship she’s in but curious about me and my feelings about the past, and hopes I’m doing well, while also having no romantic feelings for me in the least. She probably hopes we run into each other sometime and say hello, but at this point I hope not. My feelings about her are now really bad/bitter because I don’t appreciate the way I was treated. Her feelings for me are probably friendlier because she remembers how I treated her well and feels somewhat bad that she hurt me.

I’m not going to sugar coat it. You have a long road ahead of you. No matter how much NC you have, you are going to have frustration, good and bad days with the pain of the breakup, and getting her off of your mind is going to take a LOT of work. The best I can offer to help you better understand is to think back to a relationship where you really don’t miss someone that often. Doesn’t have to be a romantic relationship, but even a friend that you once had a lot of fun with but lost touch with. You may not still hang around with them, but you do occasionally think of them and wouldn’t mind if you came accross each other and said hello. It’s probably the same for her.

Yeah that might be a useful read. If you can't post the link perhaps let me know how far back the thread is and what it's title is. Thanks

Here you go:

In some cases, it has nothing to do with someone's feelings changing but more about someone's mask falling off.

I just popped in to have a glance over this thread and have read it from start to finish.

I can see the patterns that emerged with my ex in the months leading up to our break up. Him wanting to spend less and less time with me and not being as communicative. Then some days he would be all over me like a rash, calling, texting etc.

The week leading up to our break up was the same, calling sometimes twice a day, which kind of made the break up a little harder to swallow, as I was kind of led to believe he had made his mind up then to actually make an effort and make it work, not in his words.. 'back the pressure off'..

Hmm anyway, I think at the end of the day with us it was 'circumstances' now and in the future with him that eventually ended the relationship.

Yes, my ex did exactly those things when she wanted out. She broke up with me while banging another dude in november but I can safely say now that she took her decision in april-may 2013.

However, I fail to see the point in rehashing those actions and try to deduce things about you EX's behaviour back then.

It only brings more questions, more "what if's" scenarios and ultimately, more pain.

They broke up, they took the coward's way out, they fell out of love, etc. are the only things that matter because they are facts.

The reste is meaningless because a dumpee is blindsided by a break-up and wants answers. Answers he probably cannot have and answer his/her SO cannot and don't want to give.

This process impedes your healing IMO.

Here you go:

]

 

Thanks for sharing, that is a really interesting thread and I recommend all that are currently suffering to give it a read.

 

I wanted to post this taken from that thread though as it answers most of what was on my mind:

 

I've read enough posts, books and have had enough life experience to put together what I believe are the stages that occur after a breakup. I will attempt to look at it from the perspective of a Dumpee and Dumper. I will also assume that you were in a long-term relationship (1+ years) and that there was no abuse, cheating, etc., that took place. In other words, the relationship just got stale and the dumper said something along the lines of, "feelings lost, something missing, need space, etc."

 

DUMPEE STAGES:

 

It is important to first note that as the dumpee, you did not make the choice to end the relationship. This will be a mixed blessing since it will hurt in the beginning and then bring you much comfort as time goes on.

 

1) Shock / Denial

 

This stage can last for a few days to a week or more. This is time period where most people do the stupidest things like cry, beg, emotional blackmail, etc. This is the stage where you believe you can influence your ex's decision through logic by explaining that the relationship has progressed to the toughest moment and that giving up is not the right thing to do. Unfortunately, your partner began divesting in the relationship well before this moment. They have mulled over this decision and now believe this is the absolute and correct decision to make. Many times, they may have someone waiting in the wings (GIGS, rebound, etc.) Nothing you could say or do will influence them since they will put up their coldest face you have seen yet because this is a self-defence mechanism they employ to protect themselves from guilt, depression, etc. The best thing to do is to bow out gracefully after you get this out of your system because nothing will work. In their eyes, you hold no more influence over them and your opinions are at the bottom of their list.

 

2) Depression, Anxiety and Bereavement Stage

 

After a few days or a few weeks, you'll enter a stage of great mourning and sorrow. Your identity is completely lost as you are now single again. This stage usually will stretch out for weeks to several months, but each week does get easier. During this time, you should be in NC and focusing on reflection, healing and self-improvement. This is probably the hardest stage since the denial has faded and you are constantly left with thoughts of, "My god, this is really happening to me."

 

3) Recovery and Acceptance Stage

 

After a few months, you will begin to accept your new identity and begin looking forward to spending time with yourself and occasionally going out to date or mingle. Thoughts of your ex will still be on your mind quite a bit, but the pain that accompanies those thoughts will ironically begin to turn into strength as you realize that you didn't contribute everything to the breakup. You'll realize you aren't a bad person because you were rejected. Flaws in your ex will become more apparent. You may even take on a "gentle animosity" towards the ex as you realize the mistakes they made and their decision to abandon fighting for the "long haul." Your desire to have your ex come back into your life will fade to a point where either you'd accept them back with conditions and time or you have determined they weren't right for you in the long run.

 

 

DUMPERS

 

1) Relief and Happiness

 

The dumper was probably mauling over this decision for awhile and they did love you and cared greatly for you. This was very hard for them and the decision to eventually act at some point weighted on them greatly. They have been dreading the moment, but once the moment has passed, they will feel a great sense of relief as if ten tons have been removed from their shoulders. If they have had prospects in the stratosphere, this is there chance to renew themselves and date fresh and explore new and exciting times. They'll probably be too occupied to really give you much thought except for the occasional text to see if you're ok. This is sent from guilt and not for any type of reconciliation. This stage will last for weeks to up to a few months.

 

2) Distress and Discomfort

 

As time passes, the dumper will compare her new fling to you in many ways. As the honeymoon stage of the relationship fades (The Romance Stage of the 5 stages of a relationship), they will start to question their decision and begin to miss you. If you are in NC like you should be, their thoughts of you will increase. They will begin to have doubts about what they have done after realizing, "Same ****, different day" with their current relationship. They may reach out, but they're still in a new relationship and enjoying their new life -- reaching out is no longer from guilt but from wanting to keep you around in case something fails miserably in their relationship.

 

3) Fond Memories and Acceptance

 

As months go by, dumpers tend to look more and more on the positives of the past relationship. Their thoughts will increase somewhat and they'll generally have a very positive attitude towards you. This is the stage where a reconciliation may be possible if both parties are in the right place. Unfortunately, by the time they reach this stage, the dumpee is in his last stage and he or she is already questioning why they spent so much time and energy moping about the dumper. The dumper in this stage may, according to his or her current relationship status, reach out and make an attempt to open communication and begin the process of exploration with the dumpee.

 

 

So that's what I've observed. I could be wrong but it seems about right. I've had over half of my ex's reach out (usually after months and months have gone by) but unfortunately we were in different places and reconciliation was never really possible. I have reconciled with two ex's but it was in stage 2 and that never really works out in the long-term. Too soon, too fresh.

 

It was mentioned that for the dumper, it doesn't necessarily follow that course and the stages for the dumper may inadvertantly stir up hope in dumpees that their dumpers will one day come back to them. So probably take that part with a pinch of salt.

 

In reflecting on my own relationship after reading that all of those stages seems to be somewhat apparent. My ex is still in Stage 1 but I'd be curious to know when stage 2 & 3 may hit her and what stage I will be at in the future. Right now there isn't any hope of reconciliation and I'm not sure what the story would be if for some miraculous reason I was able to move back to the States.

 

Any possibility of a future with her relies on me moving make so I for now I have to live in the present and start to rebuild my life in my home country for the forceable future. I do ask myself though that what will happen when things start to crumble for her, whether she is with someone new or not.

 

At the moment things are going well for her, she is feeling that sense of relief, her business is making the progress it should at this stage and most importantly her health is there. But as it has happened in the past a hospital visit could be round the corner at any moment, I've been there for three of them and been with her through some very dark times. I've seen things that most girlfriends would never in a million years want their boyfriend to see. I question if any new flame will stick around for that and in those moments she'll realise what she gave up....

Hum this is all pretty theoretical for me...

I agree regarding dumpees but not dumpers... Many of them, like my ex, leave à relationship without ever regretting it or feeling an ounce of nostalgia.

In fact, believing that dumpers miss dumpees is a way to maintain hope alive for dumpees because Let's face it : a vast majority of dumpers leave and forget everything and don't care about the dumpee one bit. They didn't care before so why will they care after ?

What makes sense, however, is that emotions and memories can be triggered by some things which make dumpers think about the past. It's by no means a continuum like this abstract presents it...

And furthermore, when dumpers contact dumpees without wanting to get back together on the spot, it's always, always, always a selfish act : maybe their new relationship didn't work out so they look back to what they had, etc.

I think dumpers dump and that's it.

The rest is history.

I just had a mutual break up last night. I've been contemplating about our relationship for about two months now. When we talked about our relationship I found out that he had been contemplating about it as well. We love each other very deeply, but the time is just not right yet. It's sad, actually, but I was surprised that the break up was not that bad. It was mature, serene and reasonable. Yes, I still feel a sense of loss, but I was very quick to realize that we're done.

It's true that when a person has been doubting the relationship for some time, the recovery after the final blow is already half done.

Best of luck to you.

Thanks for sharing Trishlove and sorry to hear that you have broken up with your boyfriend even though it was on mutual terms. Can I ask though, you say that "the time is not right" do you ever envision a point that the time will be right and see any sort of reconciliation?

Not to start talking about false hope or anything but just curious to hear your perspective as this is a break up not formed by cheating, arguments, abuse etc etc.

In my own relationship that has ended she cited that her inability to cope with the distance was the main reason although as pointed out by members of this forum she may have been ready to end the relationship beforehand, using that as an excuse. Also her actions in the following week(s) since ending aren't very nice, almost as if she is defiling what we had together.

However, I can't help but ask myself if circumstances allowed us to live in the same location again whether we would have another chance. We have a lot of history and a lot of happy memories together and shared a connection I've never known before. Be interesting to read your view on the matter.