Can't stop thinking about her past...

I am a very good looking guy who is also very narcissistic.

I've held off as a virgin myself till 21, avoiding any chance I would get to lose it without meaning.

At 21 I just reached a point that I felt like I was a loser for waiting so long, especially when I saw other couples so happy. I am also anti-social and don't believe in friendship at all, so I was saying to myself that all I needed in order to be happy was that one girl. One day I just felt like I could no longer wait and wanted to lose it, but due to my inability to accept any negative criticism I felt that I needed someone older and experienced. So after 2 days of searching I found an older girl and lost it. I felt very happy at the time and she complimented me in every possible way.

I came back to the states and searched for a girl to settle down with, eventually I found one. She is only 18 and got out of some other relationship few months ago which of course meant she wasn't a virgin. It bothered me so much from day one that she wasn't but I tried not to talk about it, but when she told me I was the 4th guy she slept with I completely lost it. It bothers me so much that she was younger than me and not a virgin. I tried to stop thinking about it and kind of was successful at that, until she started to bring up her ex occasionally or saying some comments about other things I didn't want to hear. So I yelled at her and she promised me to never bring it up again, but now I can't function myself because all I think about is that she touched someone before me and I can't ever love her the way I would love a virgin. I feel like in the time I am wasting with her I could be finding someone who is.

We fight almost every day about various things and I always feel like I want to use that one as a reason to end the relationship, but she begs me not to and I feel like I really wouldn't do too well without her myself, but I also feel like she could be treated much better by someone else who doesn't have any values like I do. I don't know what to do with myself, it is eating me alive, every time I think about it I begin to hit myself or I just feel sick to my stomach.

Hi there, I don't want to sound rude, but I think this is something you need to accept. Her worth is not equated to her virginity. Virginity in itself isn't even a real thing. There are people who have had sex, and there are people who haven't. You are no different than you were before you had sex for the first time. It doesn't change anything. And, ex's are people who were in our lives. The meant something to us. Bringing up people from the past happens. I know it's kinda rough to hear about ex's, but unless she was comparing you to them I doubt she meant any harm.

I mean, what if she said that to you? What if she genuinely though, "I can't love you the same as I could a virgin, because someone else has toughed you." Sex is only one piece of a relationship. Only one little bit. What's happened in the past has happened in the past. I suggest that if you really like her, try to accept that she is a beutiful person who made her own decisions in the past, and is worth more than her body & the things she's done with it.

I hope this didn't sound too snarky, It wasn't meant to, just a women's perspective.

Good luck!

So you aren't a virgin, but you expect the girl you are dating to be one? Double standards !!!!

I think you need to break up with this girl & let her find someone who will love her for all of her. She deserves to be treated better than you are treating her.

Also just because you date someone that isn't a virgin doesn't mean you "don't have values", it means you live in the real world where people understand you have exs and life experience.

Thrash,

As much as it bothered me to know she had exes it bothered me even more when she started telling me that I'm treating her even worse than her ex after we had an argument. Of course I ask myself why would she downgrade to me since I'm so horrible?

Shelly,

I knew it would come down to the double standards one way or another... Yes! I admit I do have double standards and even more so because she is younger and has been touched by more guys than I have touched girls in the past. As I mentioned, I have attempted to break up with her but she starts telling me that she needs me, to which I feel the same and we stay together. Also, I didn't mean that they don't have values, I just meant that the ones they have are obviously different from mine. The real world consists of virgins too...

" It bothers me so much that she was younger than me and not a virgin"

- Just because you 'chose' to wait until this age to lose your virginity, doesn't mean everyone else has.

Not very often will you hear of this.. someone still being a virgin at 21.

" I tried to stop thinking about it and kind of was successful at that, until she started to bring up her ex occasionally or saying some comments about other things I didn't want to hear."

- This could pose a problem. She may not be over her Ex. ( Not so good..)

" I can't function myself because all I think about is that she touched someone before me and I can't ever love her the way I would love a virgin."

- Well, this is going to happen a lot for you then.. unless you want to put the feelers out there to find ONLY virgins.

In ways.. with you being 'Narcassist' and all, I feel, in ways, you DO have to let some things go.

"We fight almost every day about various things and I always feel like I want to use that one as a reason to end the relationship, but she begs me not to and I feel like I really wouldn't do too well without her myself, but I also feel like she could be treated much better by someone else who doesn't have any values like I do"

- Be honest with her. Don't drag this on any longer than it has to. That's not fair.

Explain how you don't find you two are compatible and like you said. Someone out there will treat her better.

I'm guessing here that you are not from mainstream USA or UK culture because you won't find many virgins over the age 0f 16 here. Early sex is the norm and you may well have religious or moral viewpoints for not liking it. I'm not necessarily sure that the sexual liberty we have is such a good thing. I don't think sex before marriage is such a bid deal either.

The fact is, though, that most people have their first sexual experience in their mid to late teens and often have periods in between relationships where they have a lot of casual sex with multiple people. You may not like it, I'm not 100% comfortable with it but that's the way of the world. It can be a bit disturbing that one partner is vastly more experienced in sex and/or relationships than another. For example, my wife accepts I was married before and (perhaps a bit like you) doesn't like to be reminded of it.

I once had a much younger girlfriend who was much more experienced at sex than I was and had lost her virginity before the legal age. Quite frankly the sex was mind-blowingly great but sex isn't everything in a relationship. Neither for that matter is sexual past. I think you can tell her something similar to what my wife told me: you accept she has a past but don't want to talk about it. That's fair. Also, if she had a past it doesn't make her any more likely to cheat on you than if she didn't. There's something in the argument that if you have sex with a virgin they might be curious as to what other people are like and try to experiment.

I would recommend that you look at what this girl can offer you in the present and possibly the future. If you really cannot accept her past, then let her go but I think it will be your loss.

Again, it is your choice and maybe the older girl was quite OK with being used as a sex object for your first experience. In some cultures that is quite common and I used to have the older woman fantasy when I was a teenager (bit like Stiffler's Mum in American Pie) and if the older woman has a younger bloke fantasy, then it satisfies both needs. Having said that, it does imply double standards where a man is expected to be experienced and the woman isn't but then that double standard was pretty universal in England until the 1960s/70s.

Good luck.

Here are a couple random questions to ponder or answer...

1. Was the older woman who you lost your virginity to also a virgin?

2. If not, did this bother you?

3. If it didn't bother you, why not?

Young relationships can be confusing. I would strongly advise waiting for more maturity in both yourself and in your girlfriends before entering into the thought processes of marriage. People change way to much. I would not advise girls below 25 and men below 30 to consider themselves ready for marriage. Young marriages have higher failure rates, which is to say the chance of divorce in young marriages is greater than 50%.

That said. Since you can only forge the future and can not change the past, consider a life without her. Maybe you'll find virgins who are better or worse. Maybe you'll find other non-virgins are are better or worse. But, you'll have someone different than her and if that seems acceptable in comparison to whatever turmoil her past is causing you, then move on. If, however, you can accept her (VERY IMPORTANT, you must accept her if this is to work), then let the relationship be and explore it together. Maybe she is the girl for you and maybe she is not. If numbers are the most important criteria for you, make is so....if not, try to consider other aspects instead.

I think you're advise about the minimum age for marriage is pessimistic even by my standards but I get the point! I married for the first time at 25 but I was inexperienced in life and very inexperienced in relationships. I think a lot of it depends on the individuals and the culture to which they are born into. I know some people who married very early but are still together. I know of some young couples who live together and, frankly, see their relationships as unacceptable to my way of thinking.

I think, also, it depends on one's expectations of life. If someone wants to do things in early adult life that are incompatible with a committed relationship, it is best to delay marriage until later. If, on the other hand, you are content to settle to a steady job and do not have the need to spend lots of time away from the home on friends and hobbies, then early marriage is OK, PROVIDED you are with the right person. Of course, 2 like-minded people can have very active separate social lives and still be in a committed relationship but it only works if they are on the same page of the same book.

Man with Dog,

Thanks so much for your advice, I will consider it. I do see that she is in love with me and most likely wouldn't do anything to hurt me, but she is still only 18 and I feel like she behaves her age a lot of the time. Being the older one I constantly feel pressured to show her that I don't care as much as I really do, which can get hard at times.

Fresh Air,

1. She was not a virgin

2. It did not bother me.

3. I was looking for someone who was experienced in sex to teach me when I was a virgin myself, it was a one time thing and no commitments, which we both agreed to. Knowing myself I would be too worried about screwing up my ego and not performing as well with a virgin girl.

She brings up the topic of marriage sometimes, but I would never take a big step like that unless I was certain that she is the person I am ready to be stuck with forever. I don't like to make mistakes and am afraid that would be one too big to handle.

When I watch her I see that she can hardly take care of herself and I can't even imagine how she could take care of me which I feel is the very least a wife can do for her man.

She's only 18 and I'm guessing you're something around 21 to 23. You haven't been long together. If she is the one for you, it will become apparent in a couple of years or so. You both have a lot to learn about life and relationships, so you need to be patient.

Good luck.

I'm trying to find the nicest way to tell you to grow up and stop being so judgemental of other peoples life choices but i'm really struggling

I'm trying to find the nicest way to tell you to grow up and stop being so judgemental of other peoples life choices but i'm really struggling

I don't agree totally with you but can see your point. Maybe in some cultures, virginity is a big deal, although it isn't to me personally. I don't think promiscuity is too clever but I can understand people who sleep with apparently "steady" partners and then split. That doesn't mean that I think people who are or were promiscuous are bad people, far from it, but it's not a life choice I would make for myself.

My opinion is that most of us have a past and most of us have made bad choices at some time or other. Maybe some people cannot have a relationship with someone who has had a "bad" past and I'm not just talking sex here. I'm sure my wife would not have dated me if I'd committed a serious crime and been imprisoned. My opinion is that it is what a partner can offer in the present and the future that is the key issue. However, not all people share this opinion and also have the right to make their own life choice.

So... you are saying that you held onto your virginity for a while and then suddenly felt like a ''loser'' so went against your own value system and lost it to a stanger. You could have found a girlfriend and maintained your viriginity you know if it is the sight of happy coules that triggered this decision. You have issues such that you went a found a non virgin to avoid criticism?

This is not so much about your girfriend than it is about you. I can definetely see how you can be narcisstic and probably filled with insecurities.

You dont have any friends because you think it`s pointless but you think you can love? humm ok. I think that if you have a virgin girlfriend who had previous relationships you will still be unhappy because you hate comparison.

So leave your girlfriend (you do not love her anyway)and work on your issues.

Narcissism, that's what is the root of your problems. These are all your issues.

So ---- you compromised your value system and are taking it out on her?

Because she hasn't done anything wrong --- she is a mature individual who embraces her sexuality and freedom.

You are repressed and in fact, hypocritical.

I thought I might try to jump in on this thread, and then I read this:

"I can't even imagine how she could take care of me which I feel is the very least a wife can do for her man."

Oh for goodness sakes. A real relationship is between two people who respect themselves and each other. How they choose to make life most comfortable for themselves is up to them, and them alone.

This is true in marriages that uphold traditional gender roles, just as it true in marriages that flout them.

I find no self-respect nor respect for your potential wife in that sentence, just as it is lacking in other parts of this thread.

If the narcissism can be addressed, there may be hope for you. If not, the object whom you choose to marry one day will be lesser for it, as will you. Oh well.

IThinkICan,

I grew up in an Eastern European family and my understanding of what a "real relationship" somewhat differs from the typical American.

The reason that the given sentence lacks other parts of this thread is because the post that it was a response to did as well.

The last thing I feel is hopeless and the purpose of this post was to get some advice as I am not sure if I should leave this relationship or attempt to make it work and not to get another diagnosis on something I am well aware of and have told you myself.

Thanks!

Mhowe,

I am not taking it out on her, in fact I wouldn't be writing this thread if I have since my decision would then be made.

She is a mature individual who needs to bring it up herself in order to feel secure in our relationship knowing what a negative effect it has on me. What she doesn't know is that it may very soon be the reason of our break up.

Edmund Exley,

Thanks so much! Without your diagnosis I don't know where I would be today.

Theniceone,

Yeah, that is sort of what I am saying and I don't regret that decision at all. We both agreed to it and I knew she won't be mine in the long run anyways. Now when it's my own girl that we speak about a future with, It is somewhat different to me at least.

I know its all me and the last thing I want is for it to have an impact on my girlfriend in any way. Just wanted to see if someone experienced something similar and how they were able to get over it, if at all.

I don't have any friends because I don't feel like anyone can actually be a friend without stabbing you in the back at the first chance they get, maybe one day I will be proven wrong but until that day comes lets hold on to that for a separate post. I don't think I can love, I know I can and I do, but I also know that I could love someone much more knowing that she was only mine than knowing that she has been used by 3 other guys at such a young age.

Oh boy, oh dear...I think aside from all the sociological flaws here, you'll be better off finding someone from your culture and family/religious background with the same expectations on gender roles. Your girlfriend past is not going anywhere, and she is probably not the wife material you're looking for. Save yourself and her the trouble, and end the relationship as soon as possible.

I don't have any friends because I don't feel like anyone can actually be a friend without stabbing you in the back at the first chance they get, maybe one day I will be proven wrong but until that day comes lets hold on to that for a separate post. I don't think I can love, I know I can and I do, but I also know that I could love someone much more knowing that she was only mine than knowing that she has been used by 3 other guys at such a young age.

OP, you have much to learn, especially when it comes to true friendship and sexism.

PetiteGirl,

I think you're right... The more I try to date outside of my culture, the more I realize that its close to impossible for me. Yes, unfortunately it isn't going any where and as much as she talks about it, I doubt she can be the wife material that I'm looking for. I decided to use the time I was away to figure out if I should stay with her or not, now I am leaning more towards a "no", but still would like to see how much I will miss her in a week from now before finalizing that decision.

You know, I am going to go against the grain here and say, if it bothers you so much that she isn't a virgin and you can't accept her past, just leave her! I'm truly of the mindset, if you can't accept her past from the get-go, don't even try. I've met a few guys who have weird complexes when it comes to "numbers" and "virginity" and you know what, I don't think they can change. It's better for them to just go off and try to find flawless little virgins rather than be with someone that they will always look down upon and not respect.

Do I think you're limiting your options and being silly? Yes, considering that you were a virgin and lost it to some random woman, yet you don't like it if a woman you're interested in did the same thing. Double standard, much?

But you know, I don't get the feeling you want to or are able to change, so why try?

I would drop her and find a virgin or someone whose past you find acceptable. You're young enough so that it's not a rarity that a girl is inexperienced. I suggest religious folks. I hope you enjoy church.

Definitely date within your own culture. I think you will find what you're looking for there.

I also know that I could love someone much more knowing that she was only mine than knowing that she has been used by 3 other guys at such a young age.

This comment makes your poor gf sound like damaged goods. I hope you never tell her you feel this way.