I used to be addicted, I lost her. Female dumpers, any advice?

I'm a male, 32 y old. My GF broke up with me on the 24th of August. I'll try to keep it short, and to the point.

A 2 year relationship ended september 2013. The girl (lets call her X) at that time dumped me. I had to process it all.

December 2013 I met the GF who just recently broke up with me (met her through mutual friends, lets call her A). I knew it was too early, but I didnt choose to fall in love with her. We were a couple starting January 2014.

1st month: Getting to know each other a little bit. Everything new and fresh

2nd & 3d month: not so good at all. I still struggled to open myself up. After X broke up with me, I kinda didnt allow anyobody to get close to me emotionally. So my new GF (A) struggled with this. Also, and this is the hard part: I was a weed addict, and from time to time I drank. She never was around when I drank, and in all honesty, I didnt drink all that often. The weed was the big problem. It made me lazy, passive. I used these substances as a habbit from my old relationship, and to process the old relationship. A helped me through all this. She suported me, and...

4th&5th month: ...things started to go pretty well actually. I quit smoking weed, I quit smoking sigarets, and rarely drank any alcohol. We felt that we we're getting there. I got over my ex and felt dedicated to A in a way I never experienced before. The foundation finally started to become solid until...

6th month: ...I went on a journey for 6 weeks. (I didnt want to leave) This journey was planned before I met her. I went to places which were verry hard to visit, where internet was rarely available, and IF I would call her, it would have cost me heaps of cash. BEfore I left I told her that she wouldnt hear from me for 6 weeks. After 2 weeks of NC I sent her a text that I missed her. She missed me as well. The journey continued, verry few texts here and there, and one phonecall with a satelite phone, and that was it.

7th month: I returned. When the plane landed I just wanted to see her. I didnt even go home, I just went straight to meet her. We were verry happy to see each other. The day after she told me she didnt like it all too much that we had so little contact. Her friends asked her about me, and she always had to say dont know, I dont hear him." By which the friends replied kind of a relationship are you in?" So yeah, after 6 weeks of verry tyring travels, and seeing insane stuff, still processing it all, starting to get used to this western life again, I wasnt really ready for something like that.

So yet again I shutted myself of emotionally.

A few nigths later I got drunk, and we had a fight. She broke up with me a few days later, like 10 days after my arrival. This was the 24th of July.

- we were together just shy of 7 months

- Ever since I dont drink anymore. I'm completely clean now and will keep clean for the rest of my life. I'm tired of this drunken/stoned version of myself.

- I'm going to a psychiatrist every 2 weeks now. The issue of me shutting myself off emotionally goes deeper and I want to work on it.

- I'm currently prepping myself to go for the P90 X program to get in shape, starting this friday, the 22nd of august.

- I've read a lot on Al turtles website and see many mistakes where both me and her went wrong. I'm willing to work on that. Preferably with her.

- I still ow her a few $$ and wanted to give it to her with a small card

- The break up was friendly. I did aks her to give it another shot because I felt like I didnt get any chance whatsoever after my journey. She said: "today is not the day we get back together". I asked about the future, she said she didnt knew.

- we agreed to go NC for a while. No specific timeframe.

- because of the mutual friends she also said: "when we see each other, the way I act around you will depend on how you act around me."

- I never looked at her as a rebound

- there is no one else in play

- she said we werent compatible

- she said she felt we had a verry short relationship (i agree)

This woman isnt just some woman. She helped me through a rough period in my life. She always stood on my side. A real team player. I saw her as the partner for the rest of my life, and as the mother of our children. I must admit, because of my issues, I never acted that way.

She is a verry down to earth person. Really smart. I've had many relationships allready but I know this one is a verry special one, and I cant afford to lose her just like that. Not just a week after my return. Not because friends of her planted some seeds. I've felt love and heartbreak, but this goes beyond anything else I've ever experienced. The knowledge of what kind of a person she is, and the warmth she radiates are just tips of the iceberg of respect I have for her. This is why I went NC right away.

Its been almost 30 days of NC now. Yup, I still want her back. Any thoughts or advice?

Hi Wopstah, from your description, I think the girl didn't felt appreciated or needed for her presence from you. Since you've been NC for sometime, I think you should write an E-mail telling her how much she has helped you through your life and thank her for standing by your side. But try not to push her to reply or go out with you. I think she should come to know your appreciation and admiration for her and that door is open, and see how she replies you. Maybe from there, you'll know what to do.

Standing by through all that stuff probably burned her out. I very much doubt that it was the 6 weeks or her friends. The harsh truth is more likely that while you were gone, she actually realized she is happier without you and your problems in her life which was probably coming anyway, regardless of your trip and absence.

So, I agree with the above poster, that maybe you can write her and tell her how much you appreciate everything and the realizations you've had, the plans for getting better. However, it's still too early going to tell if you'll really stick to all that or if you are just riding on the high of good intentions and plans. If she is open to it, keep her updated on your progress periodically, see how she is responding and go from there, but ultimately don't hold your breath that she'll actually ever come back. Improve for yourself and your own sake. Don't do it purely to get her back.

Thank you both.

Indeed she told me those exact words all burned out.' So I do realise I have more issues than I would like to admit. I am working on them and HAVE TO continue working on them for the rest of my life: leave those substances alone, become a more active and social person again like i used to be, excersize like i used to do, work on my personality and keep visiting my psychiatrist.

She triggered it, I keep doing it for me, myself and I.

I will contact her eventually, but not right now. I dont think I'm ready for it. I still miss her too much. I hope both her and me will be able to ignite a new flame because we really would have made an amazing team. Timing was just so wrong.

I guess I just wanted to know if any of you ladies would give an ex-addict another chance if he really went for the healthy sober life.

Would I give an addict another chance? No. When I am burned out, I am burned out.

Well, right now i hope that she will give the future me a new chance. At that point I might not want her back, and thats a scary thought.

She might or she might not return. You should get better for yourself because if you want to change for yourself then there is a chance that this change will be permanent. Substance abuser who is in addition emotionally unavailable is not attractive at all and I would expect more from a man who is in his thirties. You should be grateful that she broke up with you. It is an eye opener and you can now finally address and work on your issues. It also shows that she values herself and will not settle down for a life in misery ( and it is a misery to be with someone who is shut down and stoned)

Hi there. In my situation, I am your girlfriend. I broke up with my ex after five years because I found out he was using drugs - weed included.

You haven't been together very long, but trust me when I say, being with someone who uses drugs is so exhausting. We don't like sitting around wondering if you're sober, when you're going to get your life together. It sucks for everyone involved and personally, I cannot stand the person my ex is when he uses.

Here is my advice. Get your life together. Stop using drugs, no one thinks it's cute or funny, especially at your age. Make something of yourself. Be a reliable, dependable human being. THAT is who your girlfriend wants.

Do No Contact and stick to it. I would do 60 days to start. She needs time to erase all those bad memories of you - I am sure there are PLENTY. After sixty days, you should be 60 days sober. That is an impressive amount of time and should give her faith that you're not like that anymore. IF you cannot stop using, then just leave her alone because it is cruel to force someone to deal with that behavior. That isn't the kind of person she wants or deserves.

Assuming you are sober by the time 60 days is up, contact her in a low pressure way. Don't say you want her back, say something reminded you of her and you wanted to see how shes doing. You have to start a new, better relationship. You start courting her again. Make her see why she likes you again. When she brings up your drug use, tell her that you've been sober for the last two months and if it would make her more comfortable, offer to take a drug test.

I hope this is helpful. This is kind of what I'm hoping will happen with my ex, mind you, we were together much longer. He's been off pills for one month (which was the real factor in our breakup), but he just quit smoking weed. So I'm just sort of waiting to see if he's serious about sobriety before I consider a reconciliation. Get clean first. Good luck.

She might or she might not return. You should get better for yourself because if you want to change for yourself then there is a chance that this change will be permanent. Substance abuser who is in addition emotionally unavailable is not attractive at all and I would expect more from a man who is in his thirties. You should be grateful that she broke up with you. It is an eye opener and you can now finally address and work on your issues. It also shows that she values herself and will not settle down for a life in misery ( and it is a misery to be with someone who is shut down and stoned)

Indeed. I'm tyred of this dazed out version of myself and I am working on it. I know that I should be "grateful" that she broke up with me, because it is the only way I would have ever made the crossing to sobriety. I understand that she didnt want a life with an addict.

Thank you so much for your reply! She said that she was exhausted indeed. The fact that she was with me for 7 months tells me she really liked me a lot, maybe even loved me.

Right now I havent smoked weed for 4 months, I quit while we were still together, same with smoking sigarets. I havent touched a drop of alcohol for over 30 days as well. I'm sick and tired of all that stuff, and am visiting a psychiatrist, am working out, and basically getting my life back in order. Really feels good, even though I mis her like crazy. I'm doing it for myself, and yet still there is this little spark of hope that one day she will notice, and will give me another shot.

Coz...

Again, I've had a few relationships and had many women in my life, but this one... well. I truly loved her.

EDIT:

oh, and a litlle word of advice for you maybe: it is very very hard to quit doing stuf like that. If he is willing to quit all the drugs for you, he is willing to really put his backbone into the relationship. Right now, he is in a rough spot, but as with me, he needed the wake up call. I hope you two can work things out and have a awesome life together.

AA recommends those who are trying to heal from an addiction not date for a year. Even if you wait a year, it's not going to erase her memories but it will make them less painful. Either way, you need to be sober long enough to give some confidence that you aren't going to relapse easily.

Ok i really need some advice. I was gonna go help my friend paint his house this evening. He asked all his friends, including my ex. He just texted me that she is gonna come over as well. I'm not sure if i can face her allready. I mean, one month of nc isnt enough in my opinion. I do want to help my friend as promised. I dont want to 'go out of her way' but i also am not sure if i'm solid enough to just be a happy easy going person with her around

Tell him your situation in general terms. You are struggling with the break up and contact with her now will set you back. Ask him if there's another way to help him.

Well... The whole group was gonna go to a party afterwards. Me as well.

He doesnt really have a good sense about all this stuff. He really doesnt see any harm in having us both over.

well, I ended up not going. She wants to meet me in person before we go about between friends