Five years ago...

2k word Warning! Long read ahead.

Hi, all. I'm not sure what I am looking for exactly, but here goes my story...

I've met my ex five years ago and we instantly kicked it off. Were inseparable from that point on, passionate it, you call it. I've never felt like I did with her before (She told me the same); we'd stay up until the wee hours of the morning, just talking about things. Sex was great and we were becoming best friends. She was (still is) the most attractive woman I’ve ever met (not just appearance wise). There was some sort of connection that I can still feel, unfortunately.

Adding a crazy twist next. I was an international student that just finished college and had zero luck with jobs and would have to leave the country in several months. I’ve started talking to her about my situation and we decided to get married so we can stay together. We got married 3 months into the relationship, moved in together, and lived together ever since…I’ve met her parents once before the wedding (we found a private priest and brought some friends along), and they still don’t know (for sure, at least) that we have been married for five years…I’ve since made a really great connection with all of her family. They have pictures of us at their house, and we’ve been to reunions and other family activities many times since.

My temper or lack thereof has been my greatest weakness. I can’t ignore a drunk or just keep my mouth shut, I always have to say something. I’d get drunk and say something hurtful that I would be later apologizing to her for. There were multiple instances when I’d embarrass her while being drunk, mainly trying to fight other drunken s. I’ve also made her cry many times during our relationship. Oh, how I wish I could take everything back and start from where I am today…

However, we could always have a good time together, or so I thought. Years later we could still spend hours on end together and never get bored. Yes, the sex life deteriorated substantially as the years went on, but I’ve always tried to show her sexual affection. Deep-down she was very subconscious about her appearance and other superficial things that would sometimes stop things before they started.

We were young, I was 21 and she was 24. Shi* for finances... I was basically a bum, sleeping on my friends' couch when we met. She wasn’t much better off, but as we kept living together things started to look up, at least for me. I’ve had several ty jobs in the first three years to make ends meet, while she was working a part-time, barely-above-minimum wage job (didn’t have any kind of health benefits and my job wasn’t paying for that either). Had a ton of debt behind her name (including collections) prior to meeting me and wasn’t financially responsible. I’ve finally landed a solid job two years ago and we were able to move into a house (stayed at apartments before). She wanted to go back to school and finally did last year. I’ve always referenced my own college education that didn’t exactly pave the way into the riches to her, and told her she should really thing about what she wants to do and research the fields before committing to student loan debt. She took it as me enforcing my point of view at her and would shut down during our conversations about it. I admit, I have a very direct approach, but I wasn’t being confrontational about it. Finally, she picked a field and went for it. I thought this would give her a little spark that has been missing, as she would always limit herself (negative outlook on things, in general).

We’ve worked her debt issues out, for the most part and got her credit score back up where it should be. I’ve always picked up the tab, though. After two years together she stopped paying rent or anything else really. Our financial commitments have landed on my shoulders. I’ve talked to her about it, but she never seemed to take it in or show any effort in trying to pitch in. She’d later told me that we stopped going places because I didn’t want to do anything. How could we? I could barely gather enough cash to pay for basic living expenses, let alone go out every other night… We did go to places, just not as frequently as she would’ve liked, I guess… I’ve done everything I could to keep us out of trouble. I’ve learned how to work on cars and saved our assess many times working thru the weekends to keep either her or my car going another day. She hit a deer once and jacked up the whole front-end of the car (airbags, the whole shebang). I’ve spent close to a week gathering parts, taking off work, and working on it, just so she can have a car for work (she drives a lot). She never really thanked me for doing selfless things for her (not that I was doing to for a thank you, but… . Brought it up to her, but had little effect and mainly backfired, as she wouldn’t take any blame. She’d keep reinforcing the idea that I got to stay in this country because of her, so now I owed it to her for x amount of years (paraphrasing). That was hurtful to hear…

We’ve split two times before. Once because of my temper – it was getting really bad. I went to anger management that seemed to help quite a bit. Another one because of finances about a year ago. She’d always run to her parents’ house instead of trying to work things out. Our communication was getting bad (as far as talking about issues). I’d rather not talk about something that was on my mind and bother me, instead of trying to talk about it with her. We were becoming almost like co-ed roommates. She’d hold big resentments towards me, because of how I was in the early part of our relationship and tell me she couldn’t talk to me, as I would just brush it off and invalidate her feelings. I agree, that did happen. I did not understand what resentment was until after our current breakup… This past New Year’s she punched me in the face several times to see if it would feel better (I let her)… then we had sex, but it didn’t get better, of course. We’d have sex almost every time when she was drunk and none when sober, I started not liking that all.

She started hinting at having a real wedding/marriage earlier this year and told me I have until her 30th to propose. I took notice, but couldn’t picture any of it, while we were still not up on our feet. I know, it doesn’t make any sense, as we were already married, but that was my thinking…

This past Valentine’s Day I got her diamond ear-rings that she told me to take back. She said something along the lines that I should be saving up for the ring instead (I am thinking about this message every day now). That hurt, as I was trying to surprise her. She wasn’t too big into jewelry at all, but these ear-rings were subtle, and I thought would look good on her.

Her sleeping pattern was all messed up and I could tell she wasn’t happy, but couldn’t think of any way to solve this, and we just went on with life. I was just hoping things would get better. The night before we broke up, I caught her skyping with some guy (I think) from another country (she was learning my language, I knew about that). I got pissed, but didn’t show it and went back to sleep. She would later play this down and say that it meant nothing to her, as she was just learning the language and those people were in other parts of the world. The next day we were over. We did not have an elaborate conversation yet, but she told me that she was not happy anymore and did not know if she could picture herself spending the rest of her life with me… She told me she loved me, but wasn’t “in love” with me and was afraid I was going to relapse to my old destructive ways, if we try and work things out. Believe me, I’ve googled this subject over and over again. She told me she never did anything to compromise our relationship (that skype fiasco still hurt, however). Neither did I.

First several months we were seeing each other rather regularly, though I lacked any real determination or purpose to win her back, as the break-up didn’t sit in yet. I didn’t know what to do… She’d look enthusiastic at times when we saw each other, but it seemed like we were doing the same thing all over again. No fights, it was peaceful. Then communication started deteriorating… Then came the real deal. She sent me an email breaking it off for good (couldn’t feel an y romance). Asked me to let her go and move on. Then my hamsters kicked in overdrive, and I went all out. Flowers, notes, letters, conversations, etc… Stopped by her parents’ house and spoke to her. Even wrote her a “poem” a few weeks back. I could see how everything backfired against me now… I’ve stood on my knees and asked her to forgive me. I truly meant it. I could still see a lot of hurt in her eyes. Talked to her about going to therapy, but she would not hear any of it. I did go, however. Not sure if it was beneficial, but it was a good experience overall. She never joined me once. I’ve even went to a co-dependents meeting last week, trying to find out if that’s the kind of relationship we were in…

She still has house keys, credit cards (helped her pay every bill since break-up), etc. I can’t get a hold of her at all now. She did text me, looking for car help last week, but stopped abruptly since. She keeps moving things out of the house, though. I’ve told her that I want to be as cordial as possible about this, but need her to communicate with me. Fell on deaf ears. That’s where I am right now. It’s been almost five months since the break-up… I still think about her every day. It’s mentally challenging, to say the least. I work-out, hang out with friends, etc. but there is a huge void in my heart right now that I can’t fill with anything that I’ve tried so far (no drugs or excessive drinking). I keep picturing her with somebody else and it makes me sick. I look at guys and think, “would she like that one?” It’s stupid, I know, but I can’t help it. On the bright side, there is somebody at work that I was thinking about asking out for a beer or something. I don’t feel sexually attracted to anyone at this point, she just seems to be different from the rest of the crowd.

I wish her well and have been nothing but forthcoming during this time. Not a single time have I blamed her for anything or got mad, it was quite the opposite. I know, I have been a horrible person that would have easily been labeled “toxic” on here, but I did change and look forward to a better future. I still think, what would she say if I proposed right now? However, the way she is handling things right now makes this choice easier, as I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with a person that can’t even communicate with me about such trivial things, as what stuff she is going to take out of the house tomorrow… She did have a traumatic childhood experience (nothing too crazy) and her family generally doesn’t talk about issues, so I can see why she’d be this way, but this is not normal (if there was a breakup normal).

No divorce yet, but I can see it coming at some point. I told her I’m fine with whatever she chooses. We both need to rediscover our inner selves. She told me that before. I agree now, but it’s damn hard. This reminded me of ‘Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind,” where a couple is trying to erase each other from their minds only to be drawn back together again. I told her about that, she smiled… So, yeah, just your normal, f*ed up relationship, nothing new.

Anyway, I have no idea what I’m doing on this forum, just felt like writing a little (bit too much). Thanks for listening I am omitting a ton of stuff, but let me know if you have any questions or input.

Don't punch yourself for the BU. We've suffered enough to start hating on ourselves! From what I just read, you've been a very supportive boyfriend/husband and has brought out the best person in her by paying her debts to fund school. I can't believe she punched you after all that... I've been with my boyfriend for 6.7 years after we BU but he never really funded anything for me...

I don't think you should propose right now. Tbh, she's not contributing much to the relationship and you're better off earning for yourself to improve yourself, not her. You've been in the same position for these years yet she's continuing to grow. You need to start doing something for yourself not her! I know how hard it is to start loving yourself, what's the purpose of anything without someone to share it with you, ye? But that's what we all have to learn and to become before we can share our life with someone else. I'm going through a fresh BU (1st August BU) too and I'm trying my best to learn to love myself right now even though I really really love him and misses him so much. We all need that time and space and if you need a friend to talk to, you can always find me.

I hope reconciliation will come to your direction soon but I hope it'll be when she deserves all of you and you deserve all of her.

Thank you for your kind words

I was working from home today and was wondering is she was going to come by. Inside i hoped she would, but wasn't holding any hopes. She did, right around 2 p.m., as I was thinking about going in to work lol

I've definitely startled her (my car was in the garage), as she opened the door - she let the key dangle in the door, as i took it off and gave it to her. I've asked why she has been ignoring me and treating me this way. She said it's due to some family circumstances that were out of her control. I know that's true, as I've talked to her mom last week. I've kept telling her that I am here for her and, should she need help, I will be there for her.

In addition to that, she told me she flunked out of one of her classes and lost financial aid (she put we were separated on papers), so no school this semester unless she comes up with out-of-pocket cash. I did give her quite a bit out of our savings a few weeks back so she could take care of those family issues. On top of that, I've noticed her front car tires were completely bald, like drive straight to the tire store bald, and told her about it. She went there, and they sold her all four tires, so she told me (thru text) she wouldn't be able to pay the credit card now. I've asked about the money I gave her, to which she replied she is not going to use savings to pay the card.. I've asked her how she was planning on doing it then, and she told me she was not feeling this conversation now. I didn't argue and said I understand. She came back with: "If it bothered you that much, you wouldn't have purchased a new car." I was dumbfounded by that but held composure and replied that I'm there for her and only come with love. I said I'd pay the card, if she could tell me why I should be paying for her, while she's ignoring and erasing me from her life. The texts stopped there. I was thinking about asking her about the new tat she got and how that helped any lol Good thing I stopped that thought as soon as it crossed my mind.

She is in a rut. I almost got teary-eyed when she told me about her misfortunes (family, school, our breakup). I really do feel like sh*t when I picture what it must feel like being her right now...

Haven't seen or talked to her since the above post.

Started looking up codependence traits and came upon this article: link removed

I can definitely see my dysfunctional helping in our relationship. I don't think I did it to feel needed, I just couldn't ever picture her failing and felt it was my responsibility to keep us afloat. I need to stop feeling guilty for her misfortunes. One of her family members is dying right now (in a different state). I've never met them, but they even had our pictures at their place. Part of me wants to text her and let that family member know my grief of never being able to meet them in person these past five years. The other part wants to keep no contact going. Advice?

Expressed my condolence thru a text yesterday. Didn't hear back, neither did I want to.

Staying up reading some stuff on the forum and this post hit me:

Hey bud. Just finished reading your story. Like you mentioned we have similar situations. I will try to address some things that happened to me.

My temper or lack thereof has been my greatest weakness. I can’t ignore a drunk or just keep my mouth shut, I always have to say something. I’d get drunk and say something hurtful that I would be later apologizing to her for. There were multiple instances when I’d embarrass her while being drunk, mainly trying to fight other drunken s. I’ve also made her cry many times during our relationship. Oh, how I wish I could take everything back and start from where I am today…

Although I was never a big drinker I did have a big mouth. There were plenty of times that I said mean or hurtful things out of anger or ego. The worst part is as the relationship deteriorated we both began reacting vindictively. It's sad and I know that I was the one instigating things initially. Towards the end of it I began to become softer and she began to exude more spitefulness.

From first hand experience people usually remember the bad things more than they do the good ones. It's all a lesson in emotional self control. When emotions increase logic decreases and we often operate from a negative state when dealing with strong differences with our significant other. Just chalk it up to a life lesson.

We were young, I was 21 and she was 24. Shi* for finances... I was basically a bum, sleeping on my friends' couch when we met. She wasn’t much better off, but as we kept living together things started to look up, at least for me. I’ve had several ty jobs in the first three years to make ends meet, while she was working a part-time, barely-above-minimum wage job (didn’t have any kind of health benefits and my job wasn’t paying for that either). Had a ton of debt behind her name (including collections) prior to meeting me and wasn’t financially responsible. I’ve finally landed a solid job two years ago and we were able to move into a house (stayed at apartments before). She wanted to go back to school and finally did last year. I’ve always referenced my own college education that didn’t exactly pave the way into the riches to her, and told her she should really thing about what she wants to do and research the fields before committing to student loan debt.

I read somewhere that our 20's are the decade we should utilize to discover and learn our individual adult lives. When we jump into a LTR at such a young age we become more focused on the progress of the relationship instead of our individual advancement. I met my ex when we were both 19 and broke it off at the age of 27. Growing together during this time is difficult because we have not become comfortable with our own individuality. How can we contribute to such an immense emotional task that is a relationship when we are not emotionally mature enough?

The job situation was an issue with my ex. I was the college graduate, sometimes working 3 jobs and she would occasionally have a part time job. Her dream was modeling and would do little events here and there but would never really take an initiative to start college especially after our daughter was born. Our finances were crap because I had the burden of paying student loans on top of being the primary bread winner. As I stated, I was still growing independently and suddenly got thrust into the world of husband and provider. Finances added so much stress to the relationship that it became a taboo topic to deal with. It's a tough thing man and I can empathize with you on feeling like you were the one that did most of the work. At least you know that the next person you choose to be involved with should have a strong grasp of their individual finances. Again all life lessons.

First several months we were seeing each other rather regularly, though I lacked any real determination or purpose to win her back, as the break-up didn’t sit in yet. I didn’t know what to do… She’d look enthusiastic at times when we saw each other, but it seemed like we were doing the same thing all over again. No fights, it was peaceful. Then communication started deteriorating… Then came the real deal. She sent me an email breaking it off for good (couldn’t feel an y romance). Asked me to let her go and move on.

Sounds like she had enough time to emotionally check out. It's funny, when couples argue it actually means they give a damn. When they don't, it shows that one of them doesn't see any value in investing emotionally anymore. She's counted her losses and has already envisioned a life without you. It sucks especially when you finally decided to give it your all, just like in my case. Timing was always my biggest issue. When she was in love I wasn't and when I was she wasn't. It was the typical one up/one-down switch that most couples with power struggles deal with. I recommend reading the book 'The Passion Trap' and you will understand why a lover will pull away when she senses the neediness of the other trying to win her back. The reality of this back and forth is illuminating and extremely sobering but beneficial. Again more lessons to apply in your next relationship.

It's been only 5 months and you haven't really began to heal. The divorce procedures, separation of finances, etc.. all have to occur for reality to really sink in. Until then you will continue to be in a state of limbo that only hurts you because you are still unsure as to what to do. She already knows what she wants and you're not a part of it. It's time to cope with your loss. Cry, weep, and mourn the death of something you feel you failed at. I will forever feel like I failed at something in which I could of had it all. The only reality is that we have to keep on moving on and time is your ally in all of this. Be an active participant in your own salvation and surround your mind with positivity and knowledge. Learn why your relationship arrived to the point at which it got and make it a mission to never repeat the same mistakes.

I remember reading these boards and getting a quick fix by reading the getting back together threads. It was a ray of hope that would lift my day because I thought maybe my situation could be like that. The reality is that we don't know what the future holds but what is here and now is that your old relationship is dead. Let it die and with it your feelings and emotions. For something to rekindle again there must be enough time and distance that you both can rediscover each other and go through the motions of falling in love. My ex has been in a relationship since we broke up so at this point that time is definitely not now and it might never be. My dreams of seeing my ex reject me and having my family influenced by another man continue to haunt me . It hurts like hell and it's a pain that you have to absorb and then release. You've only just begun and I believe this will make you into a better, stronger version of yourself but you must first go through some emotional pain and turmoil. Only then do we realize how much importance something really had.

Be strong brother. Brighter days will come. Peace.

Thanks for your support, VH!

From first hand experience people usually remember the bad things more than they do the good ones.

That's definitely her. That's all she remembers right now. I wouldn't call her a negative person at all, she's very kind and gentle, but her thoughts are very negative.

I read somewhere that our 20's are the decade we should utilize to discover and learn our individual adult lives. When we jump into a LTR at such a young age we become more focused on the progress of the relationship instead of our individual advancement. I met my ex when we were both 19 and broke it off at the age of 27. Growing together during this time is difficult because we have not become comfortable with our own individuality. How can we contribute to such an immense emotional task that is a relationship when we are not emotionally mature enough?

Absolutely! Not only did she lose a part of herself, as she told me, but I've never realized how much of my own self was wrapped in this relationship.

It's been only 5 months and you haven't really began to heal. The divorce procedures, separation of finances, etc.. all have to occur for reality to really sink in.

yes, this part is definitely the hardest part right now, as she is not communicating with me at all. I really don't want to see/talk/hear from her, but she still has some stuff here, house keys, my credit cards, and the mail keeps coming in, even though she said she got a p.o. I wrote a note, in which I told her if she can't communicate with me at all on these left-over issues, then I'd like to initiate the divorce proceedings as soon as possible.

Today has been the worst in a few weeks. Can't stop thinking about our situation. Maybe I should keep a diary, kinda like your thread? haha

Last two weeks have been mentally challenging. Started thinking about her again. Every day. Was doing so good, what changed? No clue. NC since the day I saw her (not counting the text I've sent a few weeks back about her grandma).

Flew to NY to see some relatives that are going thru a similar situation, but are up there in age. The woman that left her man told me that I might still have a chance, as I retold her some of the things that happened/went wrong in our relationship. Told her about my ex dropping marriage hints (Valentine's day, etc.), and she said that I should propose to her if I think that's what "I" think is right. I have been dwelling on this for a while (ever since our bu happened), but, of course, have no clear cut answer. I know, nobody wants to be on the receiving end of this type of proposal, either...

I do love her with everything I have, but she showed me little to no respect after the fallout. Do I really want to make this step? No fear of rejection, whatsoever. The worst already happened. I know my chances are close to 0, but, at the same time, this will give me that final answer that I'm searching for. Last nail in our relationship's coffin.

Even if she says yes, we still have a mountain to climb and fix ourselves before the true reconciliation can happen. I can't even visualize this, as I'm typing right now...

Feel free to tear me a new one

I thought you were already married to her (in secret?)

I thought you were already married to her (in secret?)

We sure are. She always wanted a real marriage, with proper proposal. She started telling me that she was going to leave (half jokingly, but I can now see the seriousness), if I don't propose by her 30th birthday, which is in November. Still have time...lol

This Valentine's day, I got her diamond earrings, but she turned them down, saying I should be saving up for a ring instead... a month after she was gone.

How do you propose to someone you are already married to? You mean have a ceremony and admit to everyone you are already married?

I don't see her responding to the deadline proposal.

How do you propose to someone you are already married to? You mean have a ceremony and admit to everyone you are already married?

 

I don't see her responding to the deadline proposal.

Yes, make it official to everybody. I was being humorous about the deadline

I was thinking about contacting her parents first and asking them for their grace. It's tough, as her father's mother was passing away last month, and i have no idea what her condition is now, so I'm trying to as cordial as possible.

Well --- that would be about the most hypocritcal thing you could do since you have already married their daughter in secret.

Well --- that would be about the most hypocritcal thing you could do since you have already married their daughter in secret.

I am not going to write any excuses here, as circumstances five years ago dictated what we had to do. What do you suggest? Come clean and have her face the consequences of our actions? She lives with them right now and has no resources for different housing. I can't put her on blast like that.

Do you not see the hypocricsy of asking for permission to marry their daughter when you already have. Five years ago?

No --- I suggest you leave them alone. Grandma is still on her death bed and your gf/wife doesn't seem to want to deal with with you right now.

However, if she sends divorce papers, I would suggest signing them and both of you getting on with your lives.

Do you not see the hypocricsy of asking for permission to marry their daughter when you already have. Five years ago?

 

No --- I suggest you leave them alone. Grandma is still on her death bed and your gf/wife doesn't seem to want to deal with with you right now.

 

However, if she sends divorce papers, I would suggest signing them and both of you getting on with your lives.

Thank you for your opinion.

It seems to be getting easier once again. Went out last night and I could tell my game is coming back. So many women out there, yet I don't see anything. It's like her spirit is haunting me still. I'm scared to see her at one of the places (especially with someone else) one of these days.

Met a woman I haven't seen in over 5 years last night. Crazy life. I fell for her back in college, but didn't feel anything last night. Had a pleasant convo with her, but she is married now, so nothing is in the cards.

I'm still struggling to decide what is best now. I know, the best thing is keep using no contact and letting us both work on ourselves. Yet, the thought of forever losing her is something I can't get over. I need to decide what exactly I am doing by proposing to her (what if). Am I being selfish by wanting to be with her and disregarding her side? Or, is it really what she needed all this time, the missing piece of the puzzle? Then why not tell me? F me... so many questions, and so few answers.

I'm just going back in my head, the night we met. If I hadn't approached her, then all the beautiful memories I remember now, would never have happened. I usually didn't approach women like I did her back then.

Same here, if I don't make this final plight, then I'll never know for sure. It just has to be for the right reasons. I just can't seem to bring myself to the right conclusion yet.

I'm disturbed by your anger and drinking issues. It seems like you don't really take that seriously.

I'm disturbed by your anger and drinking issues. It seems like you don't really take that seriously.

It only seems that way. I take all of my issues seriously.

How's it going, Sky?

How's it going, Sky?

"It" is going lol

I've been a little better mentally, as far as not having racing thoughts as much. I'm leaning towards not doing anything extreme anymore (i.e., the proposal). Mhowe is right. Even though, it might be what she wanted to hear (not necessary say "yes" to), we need to work on ourselves, and I just don't see how that can happen if I do propose. Or how things can transpire after that. I sure don't expect her to just drop into my arms.

My dad told me "do something, rather than regret not doing it." However, he also told me "if you have any hesitation, don't do it." I'm hesitant, alright. I don't want to be with anyone else, but can't see clearly yet either. I've heard/read that if you know, in your heart, that she is the one for you, you have to go for it and nothing else matters, but there has been so much pain and mixed signals that I don't know anymore...

We've been in no contact for a little over a month, but it feels like it was just yesterday when she stopped by back in August. I could see pain in her eyes that almost made me cry... She was picking at her nails, like she usually does, if she's nervous and was also wearing the band (albeit, on her right hand - how she would usually wear it when we were together). That threw me off as well. She might've had some sort of meetings or something... Another mind ...

No clue how many more months have to pass for me to feel like anything changed. Definitely more than one lol I do know that she will not contact me first, if ever. So, really, it is up to me to either do something or not do anything... Our whole relationship story has been nothing short of a movie script. Not sure of the genre yet.

Her father called me Friday night. Invited me over to a men's fellowship they were having with their church Saturday morning and arranged to pick up the left-over furniture (locked in a spare bedroom) on Monday. I'd have loved to go to that fellowship but had other arrangements made. I was relieved a little about the furniture, as it was turning into an OCD (kept checking if she picked anything up every day). I am still paying some of her bills... I'd love to address that, but can't break NC right now. It's not much, so f it. I do feel used and want her to be accountable for her own self now, but not going to reach out first.

Tried reflecting on some things that happened in my life since our breakup:

The good:

Started volunteering a lot. It feels great to be of service to others instead of spending time pleasing my own ego.

Started running 5Ks and hoping to work my way up to maybe a half-marathon by April - we have a big memorial run in our state every year.

Playing more sports that I used to enjoy before

Reading more books. Picked me up some Kafka lol

Reconnected with friends and spend more time engaged with them

Started traveling a lot more. Already visited several places I haven't seen in years

Working on my anger issues. Had several potential altercations that I've walked away from

The bad:

Picked up smoking again. Mainly while drinking (which might've increased somewhat as well). Not good when I'm trying to run lol

Still feel lonely, as I'm thinking about her every day. Still don't see anyone that could hold a candle to her image. Maybe, because I know her true self? Everyone else seems like they have a wall in front of their soul and are very reserved. It seems hard making a real human connection for me, as I really enjoy finding out about people and their stories, but it's hard here, in the U.S. However, I see how I've hurt her when she opened up to me, so I need to keep working on that inside of me and care about how people might feel when I say something inappropriate, and stop doing that ish.

I'll just try placing myself in good situations and see where life will take me.

It sounds like you are on a very positive track. Keep it up!!!

Well, her dad came by and I helped load up his truck with the remaining items. The room is now empty and I don't have to check it every day after work

She, however, didn't pass him the house keys or the credit cards... Not sure what's up with that. I suppose, she can mail those out to me. Her ER bill (it's not significant) came in the mail for 3rd or 4th time now (even though she enabled mail forwarding), so that tells me she's relapsing back into her financial mess that I've walked into when I met her. After 5 years of showing her how to care for things, she's still the same person. I guess, that's where unhealthy caring brings you - nowhere (it's like the Jesus reference to teaching people how to fish instead of just giving it to them). She still owes money on one of my credit cards and is yet to address it. I was hoping she could at least make a minimum payment on the due date in September. Nope, nada. This hurts me a lot, not the financial aspect of it, no, the human factor. She just doesn't give a flying f@$%. All she had to do was tell me that she can't pay it for such and such reason and I'd have gladly covered it.

I'm just now realizing how much of a communication issue we've had. She still resents me. I could tell by our last meeting on 8/19 that was described earlier. I bent over backwards, even after break-up and took it up the ass all along. I'm getting tired of this, but can't break NC now. If she doesn't care, this will not do any good. Will she wake up? She's almost 30, for God's sake... I am guilty of our issues and am working on bettering myself, but how much longer can I take this treatment? When is enough, enough?

How do I address these things? The keys, credit cards, money owed?Also, my work has annual health-assessments that both spouses have to fill out online, and those are due by December. If one of us doesn't fill it out, they will charge extra every paycheck. I told her that she can keep her health insurance, as her job doesn't provide it until she either finds a better job or we divorce. How do I approach this? i have no desire to even text her about it. So lost. It is not above me to contact her, by any means. I've shoved my pride in the same place where she was/is f'ing me lol Advice?

P.S. When talking to her dad on Monday, I've asked how he was hanging in there (with his mother being terminally ill), he mentioned that she passed away, but he's been bearing. I've ordered some flowers to be delivered to their residence tomorrow, expressing my condolence, as I had no way (didn't know how to approach this situation) to know what the situation looked like. I love her family, as they've been the only family I had in the States (well, my brother is graduating from College a few states away lol). Holidays are going to be tough this year.

Flowers arrived last Friday, her dad sent me a warm thank you text on Sunday and expressed his best wishes to my family (we had a loss this year as well). I thanked him back and that was it.

Got a call from one of my friend's today. Started talking about relationship, and me telling him about what I'm still going thru. At some point he said something along the lines of you should know that she has a new passenger. I was like "Don't tell me that.. Why?" I was taken aback, but held my composure, though some anger surfaced jut a bit (more at my dumb a$$). I asked him how he knew, and he said our other friend saw her somewhere with the new guy. I called him up and he said it was back in July (I was in Europe back then and let her stay at our, err. my place). She said they were not holding hands. I remember arriving on the 19th back home and seeing her exiting the house (she began moving stuff out while I was gone). Our meeting wasn't supposed to happen, but it did. I remember asking her if she was talking to someone. She said no... She didn't even acknowledge my friend when they bumped into each other that night. He saw her again about a week ago and she didn't say hi or anything. They were always cool before, but he was "my" friend... Wow, what am I attracted to in this woman? Why do I love her?

I did not cry or feel much of an emotion. At least not yet. I seriously need to reevaluate everything in myself. I need to break this chain that I had dragging around my neck for way too long. I thought she'd actually take time and focus on fixing her own issues, but... we have what we have. I could go on and on and on, but that is not going to change anything.

I don't want to break NC, especially right now, but I do want this divorce to go thru and her to be out of my life completely. I hope she is not going to back-peddle and try to milk me for more. I've already given her more than enough (should have). This whole relationship feels like a big lie right now. I'm wondering if she's ever cheated on me now (not just the skype thing, though that's emotional cheating). Not that it matters anymore, but she said she never jeopardized our relationship. What a bunch of bull. I don't know how she could tell me that with a straight face.

Oh, thank GOD I did not try to propose. Dodged a major cannon ball there and kept some kind of dignity. Any advice on how I approach this appreciated.

P.S. To her credit and against my defense, she did tell me that she wanted to date/see other people in her breakup message to me. I've also started having sex with a new girl back in August. She called me completely emotionally unavailable last week, so we're on the same page, as far as this relationship goes lol