I'm not coping and I sent her flowers. Am I an idiot?

I was with my ex for three years and we broke up last Monday. The sad part is it wasn't because we fell out of love with each other or that there was a lot of arguing.

We're both of different nationalities and have lived in each others countries during our time together. Unfortunately that came to an end in July and I had to move away as I couldn't get a new visa. She couldn't cope with doing long distance so thought it best to part ways.

Saying this I discovered what she has been doing with her time this week and it is very upsetting. You can read more about it in a thread called: Confused about my exes actions since the break-up.

We didn't agree on NC but both know we need some time apart. The trouble is that tomorrow she has an important work event that I've had a stake in for a long while.

She started her own business about about 20 months ago funded by her parents. I've been with her every step of the way and done all that I can to help right from being the muscle when she had trade shows to emotional support when she thought it was going to fail.

I've been very invested in it's success since the beginning. On Monday she has an important event that she has been stressing over for months and months. Up until last week I was still there providing emotional support.

I wanted to contact her to send my best wishes because I still care and feel as though I have an investment in this too. I'm not expecting a response from her but wanted to give her my best wishes and wish her luck.

I thought about sending her a text but it's a bit of a 'nothing' action. Then I thought maybe an email would be better but again, it's just words.

Then I thought maybe some flowers would be a nice way to brighten up her day. I had a tradition of buying her a bunch of orange roses as my go-to "cheer you up" flowers because they were inexpensive and matched the accent colours of her room. They aren't special occasions flowers as I'd pick them up from a regular street vendor and were just a gesture to show I cared. They also looked really nice in her room.

So thats what I did, I ordered 24 orange roses to be delivered to her on Tuesday the day after the event. They're more expensive than what I used to buy because I had to order them but they're meant to have the same impact as always. I sent with them a note reading:

To *******,

 

I remembered that your photoshoot was meant to be yesterday. These are to say congratulations on all of the hard work you put in and good luck with this seasons next steps. I'm sure everything will look great. I'd love to see how this collection turns out at some point.

 

Best wishes,

 

****

Part of me thinks that this was a great idea, I'm not gonna say that it may not make her sad but I do know that it might cheer her up and a nice gesture to compliment all of her hard work.

But then on the other hand I'm freaking out because I'm making myself now look weak and don't want her to be mad at me. I don't know what her current feelings are towards me as I think she is still in love with me but some of her actions suggest she's coping a lot better with our break up. Perhaps even attempting to move on already.

And on that vein part of me also was being a bit sneaky in that if she is going on dates this week that there will be this huge bunch of flowers from me in her room that will be a gentle reminded that she only just came out of a long term relationship. Thats if she doesn't chuck them out which she may very well do.

What are everyones thoughts?

What's done is done. Just don't make any other moves like that.

The sad part is it wasn't because we fell out of love with each other....

This is completely false. It floors me how so many men stay in denial when they get dumped.

Time to accept the fact that it's time to start the healing process. It's not easy or fun, but it's necessary. Most of us here have been through it. Some of us more than once.

The sad part is it wasn't because we fell out of love with each other or that there was a lot of arguing.

Your whole post is about chasing her or sending her flowers. You didn't fall out of love- she did.

I agree with the above poster. Sending expensive, 2 dozen roses to an ex girlfriend sends a mixed message that could potentially turn her away. Don't do ANYTHING ELSE after this and just move on.

there will be this huge bunch of flowers from me in her room that will be a gentle reminded that she only just came out of a long term relationship.

Or she could toss the flowers in the trash or have given it to somebody else like her mother. I admit to doing this before when one of my exes sent me flowers because I didn't want to look at them for that reason. I KNOW he sent it for the same reason as you expressed... Women aren't fools.

I KNOW he sent it for the same reason as you expressed... Women aren't fools.

I think some women believe men are trying to hide the motive when they aren't. If we send flowers, we assume they'll know we want them back. We're not trying to fool anyone--we think we're obvious, as we want to be.

This is completely false. It floors me how so many men stay in denial when they get dumped.

 

Time to accept the fact that it's time to start the healing process. It's not easy or fun, but it's necessary. Most of us here have been through it. Some of us more than once.

Actually it's not false. We broke up because we were forced in to a long distance relationship that didn't have definitive end goal because we have to deal with work visas etc. She doesn't feel like it's something that she could deal with as we've been had this visa issue shadow us for two years now.

If I hadn't have had to move then we'd still be together. I'm not an idiot, nor am I in denial. if this had been a different situation, a more normal one then it'd be a lot easier to cope and understand. The other week things were fine, they were tough but fine. It's only been since Monday that the axe came down and this is where we are at.

It's cool that you sent the flowers. Don't sweat it. But use it has a letting go point. You probably would've regretted not sending the flowers so it's good that you did in a way. Use this as a landmark in the process. Now it's time to distance yourself further. You got it out of your system and now it is clear to you that the ball is in her court. Nothing more can be done on your end. Move forward as a single guy now.

Dude, you're the epitome of denial right now, but believe what you want, I'm done.

Dude, you're the epitome of denial right now, but believe what you want, I'm done.

Hey I appreciate what you're trying to say/do for me. I'm just trying to explain the facts of our break up. All I know is that if I hadn't have had to move then we wouldn't be in this boat right now. There might be something else here but there were no signs before I left and she was clutching on to the last moments we had together. Even during our five week period of long distance she was still using the phrase "when you get back"

There was just something that happened at the end of last weekend that has changed the way she sees us and put us on this track. I'm not trying to be in denial but trying to figure out the demise of a relationship to a girl that I've shared a lot of strong history with. All I have is the facts and what she said "I love you with all my heart but I just can't deal with you not being here"

You are thinking in the present while she is thinking in the future. You send flowers because of your current feelings of wanting to encourage her without seeing the bigger picture.

The bigger picture is that she has been unhappy with the distance and that unhappiness didn't start overnight. Either she didn't tell you her frustration that there would be no end to the distance or you didn't listen. So, she's broken up with you and she's starting to look for someone Jewish who is closer to her.

I don't see how you can get her back in this scenario. Too far away and ultimately not the same religion. You also have not made any moves towards moving to where she is.

I think you need to stop contacting her.

You also have not made any moves towards moving to where she is.

This part isn't true....the past two years of my life have been dedicated to trying to keep us in the same location. After she couldn't stay in the UK with me in 2012 I moved to the US with her. I was on a tourist visa and then got a 1 year employment visa from June 2013 to July 2014. I wasn't able to get a longer visa as it became oversubscribed a week after it opened in April 2014

Sorry just had to clarify that.....

But you are right she was unhappy with the distance and it didn't manifest overnight. I wasn't happy with it either. But like I said we have a lot of history together. The Jewish thing was never a problem before and in all honesty it is just me being paranoid in my fragile state. I don't even think she likes Jewish boys anyway....

I can tell you this: You may be right about one thing. The whole "If A, B and C didnt happen, we wouldnt be in this boat right now..." You are probably right man. But one thing is clear as day. It wouldnt have been far off. A break up was absolutely imminent. How do I know? If her feelings were strong enough for you and she was sure enough and committed enough in the relationship, the distance, the glitches, the road blocks would not have stopped you from being together. That is just the reality of it man.

Now you have to be strong. It is your only option. Hang on tight and do not self destruct. No more flowers. No more contact. You have done all you can do and anything else from here on out will be viewed as pathetic by us, by her and most importantly YOU. You have done good but now its time to do better. Self control buddy. Start using that "Dont send letters to your ex" thread and just use that little bit of strength that you currently have to hold on and cut her out for a while. Rest assured that I know right where you are at right now and it is definitely not easy. Just stay strong and dont do anything you will later regret.

Thanks Destroyed 33, you're pretty good at this and very caring.

I want to agree with you man I really do, use that as a way to help myself move forward and help myself move on and focus on the future. But, and I know theres a lot of 'buts' coming from me that maybe I am in denial and I just can't see the bigger picture. However I just can't deny that if the pressure of me obtaining the visa I/we wanted had have happened then we would have remained together, for the long haul. You have to remember that this visa cloud has been a spot on our relationship for two years. First when she couldn't get one for the UK and then all the trouble I had to get one in the US. I was lucky to even have one for a year. It's not to say that our time together was always sad, we created a lot of good memories together in the US and had a strong relationship that was both spontaneous when we tried new things together and routine when we'd end up chilling in front of the TV in the evenings.

But the cloud was there and kept reappearing. The calendar slowly crept forward to when things needed to be in place with no certainty of the future. The poor girl has had to say goodbye at the airport far too many times than what someone would wish on their worst enemy. There might have been other issues that added fuel to this fire whether it be problems between us or external sources such as her parents, this may very well have been. Those road blocks were a very big reality but I can't help but feel that if we'd have achieved our goal then it would have opened up the doors to a new era in our relationship, one that didn't have the niggling feeling of doubt or worry.

I also struggling to come to terms with the fact that she might now be opening up her options, looking for a 'rebound' or for someone else. It has only been a week after we ended and she is already arranging dates with other guys. Yes, you all can say that the breakup may have been something she was thinking about a lot longer than the weekend it happened but the fact of the matter is we were together for such a long time that I don't know how she can move on so quickly.

Please don't tell me it's her choice or nothing to do with me since I'm out of the picture. I know she has every right to do it, I just don't understand why. I've never been the dumper, always the dumpee so I just want to understand why it is that you can be in a long term committed relationship and then try and meet someone new....

Because she wants to ... that's why she is doing that.

Once you can accept that her love for you was not like your love for her, a) you would still be together and b) she wouldn't be trying to date others.

Beyond it being her choice, it's her desire. I'd advise not staying up to date on her life so you don't torture yourself.

Relationships aren't just about compatibility, things like timing and location become very important.

Why meet someone new? Because she is NO LONGER in a long term committed relationship. Some people deal with being alone by picking up the pieces and growing from there. Some people want a new person to use as a distraction to get over it.

'

I think you're trying to prove to yourself that this relationship would of been perfect without the distance, and perhaps you're right. But she's already moving on...so its time to let go...stop sending things...stop all the analysis...and you need to focus on you now.

From an outsider's perspective it sounds like things we're as hunky dory as you think and the distance allowed it to make it easy to end the relationship (since it's logical) without giving you more of a reason on why to break up. In the end, the real reasons or any reasons don't matter. What matters is that your ex is accross the ocean, broke up with you, and is starting to date. You need to cut her out for your own sake since otherwise you're going to have one hell of a time getting over her.

Dude, you're the epitome of denial right now, but believe what you want, I'm done.

I think you're in denial also. I just read your other thread which discusses her signing up on different dating websites. I am sorry, but if she were in love with you, like you THNK she is, she would not be doing this. In fact, I highly doubt she would have broken off with you in the first place.

When people are in love with each other, they will move mountains to be together. And I have known many many couples who have moved to other countries to be with their significant others precisely because they were in love with each other. NOT break up with them and then within a week sign up on a dating website!

Come now, you do know this right?

Hey I appreciate what you're trying to say/do for me. I'm just trying to explain the facts of our break up. All I know is that if I hadn't have had to move then we wouldn't be in this boat right now.

I beg to differ. She used your moving as an excuse to dump you, it was not the reason she dumped you. If you had not moved, she would have had another excuse. But your moving made it all very easy for her to just dump you and make it look like your moving was the reason.

The bottom line OP is that if she were still in love with you, she would have at least tried to make it work, and for the love of god, she would NOT have signed up on dating websites within a week after dumping you....

. But one thing is clear as day. It wouldnt have been far off. A break up was absolutely imminent. How do I know? If her feelings were strong enough for you and she was sure enough and committed enough in the relationship, the distance, the glitches, the road blocks would not have stopped you from being together. That is just the reality of it man.

This ^^...exactly. And this is coming from a man IDer89, which I dunno, may be worth more to you than it coming from a woman, like myself..

I beg to differ. She used your moving as an excuse to dump you, it was not the reason she dumped you. If you had not moved, she would have had another excuse. But your moving made it all very easy for her to just dump you and make it look like your moving was the reason.

 

The bottom line OP is that if she were still in love with you, she would have at least tried to make it work, and for the love of god, she would NOT have signed up on dating websites within a week after dumping you....

ETA: IDer, the only reason I've been driving that point home is because once you get out of your denial about how in love with you she still is, and face reality, I think it will be a lot easier for you to move on.

Ider, I know all about the "what ifs", the confusion, all the in-answerable questions you have. Bottom line is... What are the facts?

Hi all, thanks for the replies and I am sorry that you're all having to give me some tough love because maybe you're all right - I am in denial.

I'm just trying to piece together everything that has happened from the facts as they appear to have unfolded, uncovered information and what really might have been happening under my nose.

I don't mean to appear as though I've had the wool pulled over my eyes when responding to your comments nor do I intentionally mean to be overly defensive. But I have just come out of a serious long term relationship, as well as being forced to leave somewhere I'd called home and become accustomed to, leave my dream job just as I was getting started and come back to the UK with my tail in-between my legs and move back in to my parents house with no job.

The break up has just been the icing on the cake and I could have really not had this curve ball thrown at me right now especially when I don't have much of a life to keep myself preoccupied. I was starting to make progress but this last week has just sent me in to a spiral of no motivation and nothingness.

From everything that you are all pointing out I don't know what to believe anymore. I think my denial or at least inability to move on has come from the fact that I thought this was a break up purely due to the distance that I had to move forward knowing I was no longer with whom I see as the girl of my dreams because of politics and no other real reasoning. This is why I have rationalised her dating profile activity as a way for her to fill the void that I left and a way for her to allow herself to get over me and not slip back in to what once was.

Reading that back I now see how ridiculous of a notion it is that if you love someone so much that you move on to someone else in order to get over them.

I can't pinpoint when these thoughts started to manifest to her and she decided she wanted out but I don't believe it was whilst I was still there or in the days that I was coming close to leaving. Her actions speak for themselves in that she was very loving and affectionate. Most mornings she would wake up earlier than me and pull my head in to her chest and hold on to me whilst I slowly woke up, almost a role reversal where she was protecting me and savouring the moments. It was her birthday two weeks before I left and I threw her a surprise dinner with her close friends and family and really went all out to make sure she had the best possible time she could have had. Even her gift, which was a pair of unique earrings I knew she would love - she lost the backing to one of them two weeks ago when it fell out of her ear (it was more than just a clip) and was devastated because it was her special present from me to her before I left and I know meant a great deal. The final days although sad were perfect, we spent every moment together filled with love and smiles even through the sadness. Our final night was perfect, she booked us a table at our favourite fancy restaurant and then we went out for dessert after, finally ending up in bed watching movies like we'd done many nights in our relationship and fell to sleep together.

I'm not using those examples to be nostalgic or look at things through rose tinted glasses but those actions don't seem like someone that was ready to end a relationship and it felt like at that point at least she was committed to doing long distance. But I know you are all right in that something from the day I left until last week has changed her and the way that she feels about me. Perhaps the love was only so strong because I was there and that she needed the attachment and without it she didn't see a future in us. Those are the reasons I have been so adamant to you all about the "what if's" of not leaving.

I know that her creating those profiles suck and are real terrible move. Thats what I am trying to come to terms with through all of my denial is that she is now looking for someone else, someone new. As I keep saying it's all so surreal that one week although apart we were still a couple and talking to each other like we always have done and the next she's exchanging numbers with other boys. No matter whether this was something that she wanted to do for a few weeks or not it still doesn't change that on Saturday I was her boyfriend, the one she still said she loves and then come Tuesday she's there speaking to someone new.

Those are the facts in front of me right now and I really am struggling to pick myself up and focus on me when I still feel like she is such a big part of my life and all of this seems so out of character.

I'm taking on board all that everyone is saying to me and it is making to see things differently...

Sorry that post wasn't mean to be as long as it turned out to be. Just a lot of realisation today/this evening.

You really have to accept the end and stop dressing your new reality in flowers, sweet fragrances and enchanted thoughts. That does nothing for your recovery. I once stayed in that phase for five years until I woke up one day and saw everything for what it truly was, broken! In your case your denial is not astonishing or not to be expected but it is a tiny bit sad. Sometimes we need to take everything in doses least we crumble. So in the stages of grief you are at the moment orbiting the denial circle.

A luta continua

IDer, I think it was easier for her to move on and get on dating sites, etc. because she KNEW it was over; in her mind she may have known this was going to be over for a long while before the actual end...so she has had awhile to process it. Once the final ending came, it was probably a relief and now she is free to pursue other interests (men).

Whereas for YOU, you're still in shock because you knew nothing about what she had been contemplating. She had a secret agenda (ending it) which you knew nothing about. Therefore, you are the one left with unanswered questions, what if's, no closure, etc.

I am so sorry. It's so much harder for the dumpee in situations like this. Where the dumper had probably been contemplating ending it for a long while. Even though she was still affectionate and such.... she KNEW something was missing and was going to end it.

I think going forward, it's best to stop contacting her and try to move on. Stop following her on social media, etc. Be strong and force yourself not to.

I know this is a cliché but time does heal. It's good you are beginning to see and hopefully accept reality. Good luck!

Apart from these flowers I actually haven't contacted her since Monday when we broke up. As much as I wanted to I haven't called or texted her. I admit I've not had strict NC since I've still looked at her social media but thats my demon to battle, at least I've not been in her face.

I admit the flowers do have two motives, a genuine reason and the less honest one. The genuine reason is that I do care about the success of this business, it's her business but I've been the free "friends and family" labour since its foundation. I've invested my time and energy in to it's success so I do still want to see it do well as if I'd been an employee. The less honest reason is that I still want her to remember there is a human being here that even if she doesn't love me or want to be with me has been on a long journey with her. Stupidly I thought it may make her pause a minute to reflect on her recent actions.

I spoke to my mum earlier, and this also reflects the opinion of a female friend I spoke to last week about all of this and gave some good insight. These are two people that as well as me, know my ex, know what she was like and know what we were like together.

They both feel as though she didn't see a way out of the situation we are currently in, that the end goal of me moving back just didn't seem that tangible and she couldn't cope with it. She has had to continue to live a life that is no longer filled with the things we did together. Everywhere she looks there is a ghost of me or a reminder and it made her sad. Whether us ending was out of the blue or it had been something on the back of her mind for a week or two before they still don't believe it was there when I left. She might have asked herself if we'd be able to cope but not started to process breaking up with me. They think that these dating profiles are just her way of coping with this situation, that she is trying to move on because she needs to embrace a new life without me and this is her way of doing so.

These are people that care about me and I know aren't trying to sugar coat things to spare my feelings. Like I said they knew my ex, knew what she was like and so did I. As much as this sucks and I'm searching for answers there are things that I know about her and us that it is difficult to get accross in this thread.

IDer, did she contact you to thank you for the flowers? You didn't mention anything about that. I would be interested to know what her response was, or if she even contacted you at all to thank you.