I am going to brag!

Many of you know my story. 16 years with the girl I who I thought was an angel who I would be with until the day I die. Loved her with all my heart and out of nowhere, 2.5 months ago, she vanished from my life in the blink of an eye and ran off with another guy... Needless to say, I was in complete shock and utterly devistated.

Its been quite a trip. I was as close to suicide as I have ever been (had no plans to actually hurt myself) but it is a scary place to be. Lost about 30 pounds, I was mentally ill over it and am definitely still affected. BUT THINGS ARE GOING PRETTY DAMN GOOD!

LOL. It is crazy to say but I have done so much and tried so damn hard to survive this that I think I am actually in a good spot right now. Part of it must be luck but I have worked so incredibly hard. Made a lot of new friends, developing a new lifestyle, EATING!!!, going out, searching for happiness...

One of the things that I have done among many that most people on this site frown upon is meeting new girls and "dating". It is just one of many things that I have been trying in search of happiness. It might seem stupid and I may end up in a rebound relationship but it is what I want right now and I am taking things very slow and being very very honest with the girls I have been meeting...

I found a girl! Not proud to say that I met her online but so far, so good. She lives an hour away from me. We have been talking just about every night on the phone for the past week or so for about 3 - 6 hours a night.

Last night we got on skype together to finally have a more "face to face" conversation. This chick is very insecure and was very worried about our "skype date" in fear that I would reject her once I saw her. Well, ladies and gents, SHE IS A SMOKING HOT, SKINNY BLOND CHICK WHO DRIVES A JAGUAR and she is very very sweet and sensitive and seems to like me a lot too. She calls me baby and I call her sweetie.

My ex would lose her f*****g mind if she caught wind that I was with this skinny little blond who drives a jag!!! (My ex always dreamed of a jaguar) She seriously would lose her mind if she knew. Please understand though, that is absolutely not my angle with this girl. I am not trying to make my ex jealous and have absolutely no intention of trying to flaunt this new girl around, but it is definitely and nice little thought in the back of my head.

I am talking with this new girl because I like her. She makes me happy and excited. She has been in a lot of messed up relationships (attracted to losers and potheads) and I am kind of eager to show her how a lady deserves to be treated. The skype thing was a little last minute but I stole some flowers from my neighbors yards and told her I picked them for her, I played her a song on my guitar for her via video chat... It was a nice little online date.

She mentioned coming up to my house and spending the rest of the weekend with me! (her idea) She just has to see if plans and prior obligations pan out today and then we will see... We already talked about stuff and we both just want to take it slow so she might sleep on the couch or something like that. We just want to spend time together and watch movies, go out for sushi, go to some of my local hang outs... Eat snacks, cuddle, watch TV.

I dont know... We'll see. She knows there is no pressure and no rush but it would be awesome have her here all weekend!

Anyways. I just wanted to brag a little because I feel that my recovery is amazing. I pat my self on the back now because I tried so hard to seek out any help I could and I worked so hard to not die from this heart break. I force fed myself. I take meds now. I see a shrink. I forced myself into a new routine that I still dont really like. I go out all the time just to keep my feet moving and look for opportunities to meet new people, find new interests, just staying busy. I exercise and I hate it! I go to the park for walks like an old man. I go to the coffee shop every day now to spend time with the other shop rats... A lot of cool people. I am not very social so it a lot of work for me and it it completely exhausting.

So, I am doing really really good. The past two days have actually been pretty great overall for some reason. If things dont work out with this new chick, its totally cool. But there is definitely potential and she makes me happy and thats all I am looking at right now.

I am still kind of shocked at how well things have been going lately and do fear a major set back but I can complain right now. I dont want her. I dont really miss her at all anymore and I am getting closer and closer to a point where I just wont give a damn about her at all. I will eventually look at her like the dirt that she treat me like I was when she destroyed my world.

Now, just trying to have a good weekend and keep my feet moving!

I hope this message give someone out there a little hope. I was REALLY REALLY REALLY messed up a few months ago!

It is not my intention to burst your bubble but you are not even close to being ready to date again. You are viewing everything with the frame of your ex. You have already started lying to the new girl. Yes you did not pick the flowers and it is not okay to lie about that however small. Jaguar, hot girl, skinny it is very superficial. There is a value to taking time to heal well. Good things do not happen when you try to speed the process or take short cuts. Evidence is in the superficiality of your new crush and the lack of depth. Good luck anyway

A luta continua

This just screams so unhealthy to me.

You are celebrating EATING. With capital letters. Okay? Now that certainly is a feat after dropping 30lbs and being close to killing yourself, but you don't follow up being suicidal and starved with dates with jaguar girl dates.

I agree with butterfly that you are viewing all of it with the frame of your ex and that is only one reason of many that shows you are in no place to date.

It was a 16 year relationship that left you with 30 pounds lost, feeling suicidal and still feeling sick over the whole thing to a bit of a lesser degree now. And you think you're ready to date? Why are you so desperate?

It is not my intention to burst your bubble but you are not even close to being ready to date again. You are viewing everything with the frame of your ex. You have already started lying to the new girl. Yes you did not pick the flowers and it is not okay to lie about that however small. Jaguar, hot girl, skinny it is very superficial. There is a value to taking time to heal well. Good things do not happen when you try to speed the process or take short cuts. Evidence is in the superficiality of your new crush and the lack of depth. Good luck anyway

 

A luta continua

I am not lying about anything. When she said she wanted to get on skype I ran out and stole a bunch of flowers from all my neighbors yards, put them in a vase and when we were talking on skype I showed them to her, told them I got them for her and told her how I stole them from all my neighbors! lol. She thought it was sweet. I have been honest about everything with her. Probably WAY too honest and open but we have been talking a lot.

I probably am a little shallow but I am not a liar. I like thin cute girls. I need to be physically attracted to a girl to consider a serious relationship and have intimacy. I need to be able to look at her and think "she is so beautiful and I am attracted to her". Just as important, if not more is personality and values but it is a package deal. I would not want a relationship with a completely smoking hot but self centered, heartless, cruel, pushy bossy horrible girl.

Anyways, I dont know why I am defending myself, lol. I am not really looking for advice in this thread. I am just bragging a little and tying to give a little hope to some of these people who are at ground zero. It does get better. It just takes work. You cant give up. Its all about survival and taking any and all help. Seeking it out. keep your head above the water and even though there is no land in sight, just keep paddling.

This just screams so unhealthy to me.

 

You are celebrating EATING. With capital letters. Okay? Now that certainly is a feat after dropping 30lbs and being close to killing yourself, but you don't follow up being suicidal and starved with dates with jaguar girl dates.

 

I agree with butterfly that you are viewing all of it with the frame of your ex and that is only one reason of many that shows you are in no place to date.

 

It was a 16 year relationship that left you with 30 pounds lost, feeling suicidal and still feeling sick over the whole thing to a bit of a lesser degree now. And you think you're ready to date? Why are you so desperate?

Oh boy, I can already see how this thread is going to go, lol. Maybe it wasnt such a stellar idea to make it!

Facts are, I am doing really good right now. Just knowing that I can be doing so well is a huge step even if it only lasts for a short time but I honestly think things are going to just keep getting better for a while if I just keep working hard. I like this new girl. She is not a crutch but I must say that it does feel really good talking to her. We talk a lot and at this point we are becoming good friends. She knows EVERYTHING about my previous relationship. We have both agreed to take things very slow. It is what it is. I like her and she likes me and we are going to start spending time together and see what happens. It might work out, it might not. Slow slow slow! I do want to take her on a beach trip before the summer is over though! I missed the whole damn summer!

Also, for what its worth, since the start of this whole catastrophe, I have very little to no regrets at all. I would not handle things differently for a second. I am proud of every decision I made throughout this process and I am going to keep making decisions. Spending time with this girl is one of them.

I personally think that is it OK to get out and about and CASUALLY date if you feel that will help you. BUT that comes with a big caution, as in make sureyou are honest with both yourself and the girl that you are dating that you are coming out of a relationship and don't want to to leap into a serious rebound situation.

Note that you are still thinking about this girl in relation to your ex, as in she's would be a fabulous way to stick it to your ex by showing her you got an attractive girl with a nice car. So you are not over your ex or ready to take the new girl seriously because she is only a foil in comparison to the ex and your ex is still coming to mind if you're even thinking along those lines. You aren't really ready to seriously date until you aren't thinking about your ex at all!

So keep that in mind. Don't get serious with anybody, and FULL DISCLOSURE to the girls you are seeing so they don't get involved and get hurt if after a while you decide they were just fun, but in the end more of a rebound than a potential good prospect for a permanent relationship.

I will ALWAYS think of my ex but can honestly say at this point that I am not comparing the new girl at all. I have been BEYOND honest with her and will continue to do so. It's simple though. Right now she likes me and I like her and we are taking things slow. Right now, this is just a good thing! She makes me happy and am trying to do the same for her.

Since you haven't yet met in person, aren't you getting a bit ahead of yourself? I don't wish you any ill will, but "jag girl" could possibly end up being "jag nightmare."

Either way, healing takes time and hard work, there's no other way around it. Be careful...

Everyone has to start somewhere... he is finally feeling positive... and what an ego booster to be in contact and potentially date someone he finds attractive.

Not all dates end in relationships... not all relationships end in marriage... not all marriages survive turmoil...

The point is we all have to start somewhere. This guy went from feeling his life was over to having hope about a future he could be excited about.

I'm not going to burst this guys bubble but will just add some very fine print... just because in a few chance conversations does not mean this is the girl that you will spend the next 16yr of your life with... accept that along your new path minus your ex there is still more disappointment to come - its inevitable... realize that you are now fully aware that life doesn't end at the end of a relationship and it won't end if this one doesn't survive either.

Now go out and enjoy life. You will be surprised at how much you learn about yourself when you connect with others.

Honestly, I think it's great that you're healing and doing good. Kudos to you for making it so far I think everyone here is just trying to say to be cautious. But the main thing is you're making progress and that's def good to hear esp for people just coming out of a long term rather volatile relationship (aka me).

It is good that you are getting out and about. Just keep your sessions with your professional counselor because you will still benefit from those sessions for quite some time. I am pleased that you are not near the brink of death, however, because it actually is possible to die from heartbreak. So...you are past that, so good for you. You are now going to experience life in a different way since your path was diverted and you will learn many things and have many experiences that will prove to be invaluable to you.

I wish you the best! chi

I'm not going to kill your buzz. I think you will likely have more healing to do, but it is a good sign that you're meeting new people and yes, eating. Go have a good time with this new girl, be kind and gentle to her, treat her as a possible friend and realize she sounds vulnerable, so don't use her a rebound. But yes, let new people into your life. And sure it's not why you do that, but I get why there's a twinge of "Hah, take that." Just don't let that become your overriding reason for getting on with life.

Enjoy the moment, heal and stay NC and move on. It sounds like you're getting somewhere, now keep going. And may I just say good for you.

I think that it's great that you are getting out and doing so much even if you don't like it! I don't want to do much either, but once I get out there, its worth it.

I think its fine to casually date right now as long as you are being as honest as you say you are with this girl, then why not? Have fun, be careful and just make sure she is very aware of your state of mind. Also, I would just add, don't use her as your therapist. Sometimes when we start dating so soon we find we talk way to much about our X's to that other person and that is not good. Tell her once, then try to not talk about the X anymore unless she asks you a questions, then be honest. Keep going to therapy so you have that outlet!

My therapist actually thought my plan not to date for 90 days was a good idea. She didn't say wait for years or don't date at all. She also told me when I do date to keep my eyes open to red flags this time around use her to talk about anything that comes up so that I am honest with myself and her. Of course, I was in a 19 month relationship, not a 16 year, so not sure if thats why she felt it was okay to start.

Have fun and be careful!

OP, it's good to hear about all the positive strides you're making. Enjoy yourself on the date!

I will ALWAYS think of my ex but can honestly say at this point that I am not comparing the new girl at all.

This isn't true. Trust me, when you fully heal your ex won't be on your mind at all. It's very freeing when you reach that point, no matter how impossible that seems now. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.

Good stuff on the new girl, things could go either way now.

You already brought your ex into this by mentioning how she would lose her sh*t if she found out about this girl, which she might not, she left you for someone else. You said that she already planned coming to your place and spending the weekend with you? Sweet Jesus, I mean... you have been talking on the phone for a few nights, but don't you think that having a stranger come over and staying with you is a bit too fast too soon? You really don't fully know this person, but aye, you're both full grown adults lol what ever happens happens, it was your choice.

Its only been 2 and half months after a 16 year relationship, I only had a 2 year one and its been 5 months after breakup and I'm barely speaking to a girl/feeling better, don't you think that only just 2 months for you is a bit too quick to be feeling this way and rushing things like this?

The other thing that got me thinking is that you seemed to have switched a button within you, and that usually ends up in a train wreck, you never seemed to ease in to things, you just got fully healed in a day? just like that?

Ehhhhhhhhhh... lol

My ex wife treated me like for almost the entire 23 year marriage. As soon as I found out she was cheating, hell I signed up for the online dating sites almost the next day. I was sick and tired of feeling like crap, and her telling me how lucky I was to have her. I found meeting girls to be incredibly easy, and loved it when news got back to her about "dad came home and had a hot blonde get out of his truck."

Now I'm sure alot of people here are going to frown on that. I don't care, my point in this post is I know exactly how you feel. So what you just got dumped, go out and meet women and allow yourself the privilege of enjoying them, and living again. I felt like I emerged from a dark cave.

The summary of the story is I came out of the divorce with everything. I ended up with a girl 18 years younger, real pretty, blonde, and sweet, who has been my girlfriend for the last 3 years. While "living well is the best revenge" I wasn't out for revenge. I was out to live life again, and I like yourself, am doing pretty damn good. I acquired a 2nd house this year, my mom gave me our family home, and the home I won in the divorce, I've given to my son to manage. My girlfriend and I moved into the other home, it was bigger, so everyone is more comfortable (she has 3 young children, my son is in his 20s).

So I congratulate you. Enjoy her

 

I found a girl! Not proud to say that I met her online but so far, so good. She lives an hour away from me. We have been talking just about every night on the phone for the past week or so for about 3 - 6 hours a night.

 

This chick is very insecure and was very worried about our "skype date" in fear that I would reject her once I saw her.

 

She has been in a lot of messed up relationships (attracted to losers and potheads) and I am kind of eager to show her how a lady deserves to be treated.

It sounds like you haven't learned very much from the demise of your last relationship.

You seem like a "saver." A guy who's attracted to insecure, unstable women because you can save them.

I think you mentioned your ex was like that, also.

But here's what can happen with girls who get "saved": eventually, they find their confidence and their footing, and want to go try it out with someone else who is not a father figure to them.

I'm not saying it's an absolute, but it might be something you want to explore with your therapist. The fact that you mentioned somewhat excitedly that she has been in a lot of messed up relationships is really a bit disturbing.

I still stand by what I said.

You've mentioned numerous times in numerous threads how you are terrified to be by yourself. People who are scared to be alone are the ones that need to be the most.

The summary of the story is I came out of the divorce with everything. I ended up with a girl 18 years younger, real pretty, blonde, and sweet, who has been my girlfriend for the last 3 years. While "living well is the best revenge" I wasn't out for revenge. I was out to live life again, and I like yourself, am doing pretty damn good. I acquired a 2nd house this year, my mom gave me our family home, and the home I won in the divorce, I've given to my son to manage. My girlfriend and I moved into the other home, it was bigger, so everyone is more comfortable (she has 3 young children, my son is in his 20s).

 

So I congratulate you. Enjoy her

It's good that it all worked out you. Funny how life works. You found someone you're much happier with and have moved on. Good that you point out you weren't in it for revenge, but I don't think your situation is what the OP should aspire to as he is just 10 weeks out from a 16 year relationship.

He is rebounding and needs to put in the work to move on. Right now he is still comparing girls to what his Ex would think and it's not a good way to jump into a LTR.

In your situation you came out on top, and as older more established guy had stability and financial security to offer to a younger women who is raising three children. If the OP has a "rescuer" dynamic in relationship, that is what he has to offer to this woman, however as bulletproof pointed out it is not sustainable once the woman heals from her issues. He needs to face and overcome this aspect before he has a shot at a lasting, healthy relationship.

I will ALWAYS think of my ex but can honestly say at this point that I am not comparing the new girl at all. I have been BEYOND honest with her and will continue to do so. It's simple though. Right now she likes me and I like her and we are taking things slow. Right now, this is just a good thing! She makes me happy and am trying to do the same for her.

I agree with the others. YOu've been lonely and haven't been out of your last relationship that long, yet.

You ARE still thinking a lot in terms of your Ex, which isn't right.

What you're doing is in ways a rebound. And in the beggining everything is wonderful- for a little while.

We do not think you are fully, properly over your Ex or the broken relationship, quite yet.

Yes- do go slowly...

As for this 'new girl'.. well SHE as well has had a bad past. So, she may be in a similar situation as you.

I suggest you find out, how recent her last relationship was & for how long?

She could be 'searching' too because of her own insecurities & lonliness.

You could end up finding out that neither of you have taken some decent down time to work on healing from your past's, which could very much end up messing this thing up.

"One of the things that I have done among many that most people on this site frown upon is meeting new girls and "dating". It is just one of many things that I have been trying in search of happiness. It might seem stupid and I may end up in a rebound relationship but it is what I want right now"

- Right. YOu're talking about it being 'luck' and you are 'in search of happiness'. You need to be 'happy' on your own again in order to be able to move on in a positive manner. Not use someone like this.

Sometimes, we do need to have that experience in order to fully understand...

Wish you luck.. but do try to understand all that's being said here, today. it IS for your own mental health.

Hey Destroyed,

Good for you buddy! I'm glad you are seeing there are other fish in the sea, that's great! Of course I see all the typical backlash. The typical you aren't ready comments. Only you can decide and words from others are just words. If it feels good I say go for it. No sense in being miserable. Not everyone is the same and there are no experts in relationships. Just look at Dr. Phil. Divorced 4 times! HAHA! I say keep moving like you said, and don't be afraid to explore. After 16 years you are do for some sowing of the wild oats, my man!

Freadrik

If I went for everything that felt good, I'd be in prison.

It really makes me sad to see so many folks on here that are so afraid to be alone(by their own admission, OP being one of them). He's repeatedly stated that the only thing that gives him any hope at all for happiness is the idea he'll fall in love again. It should never be your lifeline. Never. It is so emotionally dangerous. Life is so much bigger than romance..

With that being sad, I am very happy to see that you are eating well again and seeing a therapist/psyche to get started on your new life.

op, you kind of remind me of a young guy in his late teens early 20s, I think you grew up too fast during your 16 yr relationship and it is only now that that young twenty something guy is coming out of you, even though you are in your 30s. You have so much to learn about yourself and dating, it will all come to you in time, you will begin to learn what most of us learnt in our 20s. I think anything said to you on here will fall on deaf ears and you will go ahead and do as you wish anyway, heck that is the only way we learn things anyway.

What a frustrating post. You have not learnt anything at all, you have not healed you have just moved in to a new co-dependent relationship to mask the pain. What is there to brag about? You really need to take some time and get used to being on your own. You really do not need someone in your life to make you happy, you need to be your own happiness. I am glad things are looking up for you but I do not see this as positive progress.