she loves me... she loves me not?

We have been going out for 2.5 years. I didnt treat her right in the beginning and she wanted to leave so I told her I would change because I love her and to give me another chance to prove it. I told her everything she told me to change would make me a better person so I wanted to do it for myself so I could treat her right. I did the best I could. I did something and she said that it was a problem and wanted to break up again, so I had to tell her that I had no idea that what I did was a problem and I said it would never happen again. She forgave me again. So she has really been having issues for a year or so and when I met her she was 17, she just turned 18. I was 22. When we first saw each other she only had her sister and a girlfriend that she would talk to on and off like they would fight and then be friends again. 2.5 years to the future, shes 20 going on 21 in 5 months, I am 24 going on 25 in a few weeks. She has had a job for a little longer than a year now and I want her to start having friends. Like we cant be hanging out 24/7 only seeing each other... I have friends I like to talk to but she hates all my friends and wont ever meet them. Well then I just opened my second business and I have been working, she works a schedule. Well she has been talking to this girl from work that is her friend she just started hanging out with 2 months ago saying she wants to find a new boyfriend and to get hooked up with a new guy (this is something I guessed and she said yes, she didnt blatently say it) She said she was going camping for 2 days I called her she didnt answer said she will call me soon shes busy. Ignored me 100% for 3 days. I called her the third day she answered and she said I had all three days off I went to NYC. Then she said its over. Just like that, blunt and serious. So I tell her I need to see her and talk to her in person. She agrees and we just talk for a little. She says I am holding her back and keeping her tied down. She said she went with 2 other girls, they had their guys they were trying to get with and they brought an extra guy for her to hang out with and see if she wants to get to know him. So I take her back at my house and we were talking about nothing just a real talk but you could tell she was trying to have no contact with me. Then all of a sudden she put her arms around me and went in to kiss then pulled back and realized wait she didnt mean to do that and said it was just a reflex. Then I seduce her to be with me for the night and have sex. The next day we see each other again and we go to the fair together and we go and have a great time. We go back to her place for the night we make out and she says how she doesnt know why she cant stop kissing me, then we get a little further and she is doing things she never did before during sex. In the morning it looks like she is pissed and then she tells me I need to leave right now I cant even wait a little, literally 30 seconds I need to be gone. So I leave.

I go home and hit the computer and go on facebook doing a little finding out about her friends to see who her friend really is. I find the girl she was supposed to be at NYC with, this girl is 8 hours away at a fair on one of the days shes supposed to be in NYC with my ex. Not only that but her friend from work knows a guy that broke into my car when I was in his city. Her friend from work is like best friends with this guy! My ex was just saying she cant imagine herself with anyone else like 2 weeks previous and she even mentioned the people below her are moving out and if I would move in there with her. I always say I am ready to move out and she says no you arent and I cant force her into moving in with me you know? Then she says I always make little remarks about her not making as much as me but I dont care at all. I never say it the way she takes it. Last time we broke up she wanted to just talk and that was it, nothing more than being friends but I ended not being able to keep my hands off her and we were back together again and officially bf gf but only for about a month.

She said that she just doesnt feel the same after one of the fights we had and she just cant go back to the way it was. She said she has tried but she cant. She used to cry this past time she broke up but this time she said look im not even crying about it anymore, but she was tearing up a little. When I was in the car with her this last time she said remember how I said I cant get over the fight, well the feeling is back. I dont even remember what I said at all I do know I was shocked stunned and a whole bunch of emotions I dont know.

I cant live like this but I really just want her so much. I know I need to no contact I have been trying my hardest but everytime I just cave in and think of her. Its the last time I literally texted her just now and I feel horrible because I know I am not supposed to but I just feel like the last talk is the last forever and I cant handle it I just dont want it to be the end.

She says shes attracted to me and that she cant just not love me all of a sudden, but she said she hated me too. She just says we arent compatible.

She always hides her phone, that has been since day one, she wont have any of it, its been like this the full 2.5 years, but she insists in using my phone and gets mad if I dont show her or let her play a game on my phone.

I just learned she started to steal to I had to make her put the item in the basket so we could buy it instead.

I really wanna know what the reason for her being wet for me still but yet not wanting to be with me is. If you dont like someone are you going to want to have sex with them and hang out still? Was she having sex with me as a last goodbye thing so that I could feel better or something so I had something to remember her by? Why does she tell me she cant stop kissing me when we were kissing? How do you love someone but not want them? She only remembers the bad times. I just ended it, thats it Im done texting her, i just ended it with "Thank you for showing me my faults I really changed for the better, I just hope I love the next girl as much as I loved you." Then mushy me added "I hate how you only remember the bad times together". I need to be done texting and commit. I have a bunch of friends helping me but they cant help me when I am alone. I need to do something with this phone..... lol I do plan on going out with a group for my birthday this month and having a hopefully emotional free weekend.

I think your feelings for each other are very similar--deep down, you know you are like oil and water and that things aren't going to work out. Still, you're both still physically attracted to one another. It's a similar thing with ex-spouses that sometimes go have sex--they're not getting back together, but the familiarity and shared past can be a turn on, or at least a way to have intimacy when they're really lonely. In this case, it sounds like maybe she tried to have sex with another guy on this trip, maybe it didn't work out, and so she went with Plan B--have sex with you. Sadly, you're just a backup now.

What I would do is continue to work on self-improvement, and enhance traits that will make you more appealing to all women, not just a subgroup of women. You'll eventually find someone who is a bit more stable than this young lady.

Well I have been reading up on this stuff a lot. I decided to kind of close the relationship off my own way. She had sent me in a text that she wanted to go to Darien Lake at least one more time this summer. Long story short I asked her to go to Darien Lake for me for my birthday next week to spend time together. If she hugged me I would push her in the water to remind her and if I did the same she could throw me off a rollercoaster. (har har) She said ok, to make the story quick. So then I said can we hang out tonight. She said "if you really want to yea". So I said "I am asking if you want to though" she replied yes. She said she gets out of work at 11. So I said ok call me then if you still feel the same about hanging out tonight. (we have a fair going on around here right now) She said "Is the fair closed then? I want a caramel apple bad!" I didnt reply, I went to the fair within the hour (I own a business there and I had just closed my second business down for the day) and I got her a caramel apple with nuts, like I know she loves. So I brought it to her at work she seemed happy to see me and then quickly started her acting lessons and she was like why are you here this is awkward you being here. So I just said I have to cancel tonight. She was like why what are you doing? I said nothing and she continued to think I was doing something else. I then said I am not going to talk to you for 30 days. She said no you wont. (like she didnt believe me) She asked me why, I told her because she thinks I am judging her all the time and thats not what I do at all, and that I love her for her and the way we are proceeding, you dont want to do this relationship and I cant either. She asked who told you to do this I told her my friends, then she got mad walked a little ways down the isle and I said it was my idea, which I mean it was both and online advice. So she just said ok whatever I have to work and just did her thing so I turned and walked out. Before I made it home she called me 3 times in a row. I had a feeling it was to b*tch me out so I actually kinda felt good inside. Like I was happy she was upset finally like how she had made me feel but I still had the feeling of how sorry I was to do it. I dont like revenge so I felt bad, but I knew the 30 day no contact had to happen, I cant keep living this way it is not fair to me and she cant have her cake and eat it too. So she texted me instead and said "I cant believe I agreed to see you." Then very soon after she said "I dont want anything to do with you ever again. Dont text me tonight. Dont try to contact me in 30 days. Im not going to care. I hate you, I feel so stupid. By the way all of those girls your friends will now on facebook is hilarious to me. And you call me a s*ut. Good luck with them I hate you Matt." So I reacted quickly and deactivated my facebook, which will be for 30 days. No contact means no contact. So here I am day 0. I am doing this because it is inevitable that she will leave, even if that means we are together forever and she dies. So I need to accept the fact that the "death" is happening sooner than later, and hopefully it actually makes her want to come back. She has so many things of mine to remember me by. She has a ring, which she can crush. She has a computer that she wont get rid of so that will always be there, plus purses and stuff like that. Now my birthday is coming up, I am sure she is going to think about me around then because she will be reminded of me wanting to go to Darien Lake with her. I am expecting the worst right now. I just cant wait for the 30 days to be up to see how it turns out because right now I feel like she is who I am meant to be with. In 30 days, I really hope I feel the same and she comes back. Now I have also been thinking when 30 days comes up and I text her she is going to think I came running back to her and she can just do the same thing again over and over, that is if she wants me back. So I guess its really 30 days of me not responding, once 30 days is up I need to wait for her in order to start talking to her again. Does that sound correct?

I talked to my mother and she said it was kinda unfair that I went to her work to tell her I didnt want to talk for 30 days because I didnt get to explain everything and it was unfair to her. I said what about everything she put me through? Mothers are usually right so the day after, early in the morning I texted her. I told her I didnt feel I was able to go into enough detail as to why I didnt want to speak with her for the 30 days and that it was still early enough for me to say what I will be thinking about for the next 30 days. I basically said I love you for you, if you hate me for loving you then that is ok I will accept that. I told her memories I will never forget and I told her the things that she does to me that dont just bother me, but they will also bother any guy she tries to date. I also made a point to say I am not going to do something you werent able to do and not talk to you for 30 days. So here it is, Day 2 - 36 hours in... (I literally am texting everyone I know and posting everywhere I can but I will not talk to her before the 30 days.) She texted me! I almost jumped for joy, I just wanted her to say something, ANYTHING! She said "Can I say something funny". No question mark or punctuation. I swear to god I went to nap around 7:00pm and I was feeling absolutely hopeless. Dreaming about her, the sleep made it that much worse of a pain for me so I had to get up and go out within an hour of horrible sleep. I got up checked my facebook (I said I deactivated it but she doesnt have a facebook and I want to talk to girls so I can go on a test date with another girl to see if I am really missing out on her or if its all in my head) and the hottest girl I messaged replied to me! Then I go out to the fair and thats where my ex texted me! (I swear when it rains it pours, everything just always happens at once. When one girl is interested they are all interested and you gotta beat em off with a stick.) I texted everyone I was talking to this about. I want to answer so bad, but my feelings range from answering YES to NO to ONLY IF ITS ACTUALLY FUNNY! I just keep thinking in my head, what if it is actually something I want to hear? What if she really did want to say something funny. Like when she threw the caramel apple while she was at work when I told her about the 30 day NC, what if she found it again or a co-worker gave her it and it made her smile because the coworker was saying how she wished someone would bring her a caramel apple? But I know that I can not talk to her, thats the RULE! Its the LAW!!!!! Ok so I also sit and think, wait what if its something sarcastic and snotty. Like its funny to her but not to me. Where I say yea what and she says I knew you couldnt last or something worse, something like 'I have been wanting to stop talking for so long and now you want to stop talking with me?' Ill tell you, I feel so great right now and I do not want to mess any of my happiness up, so why fix something thats not broken? Im happy, why text her and let her make me upset? Maybe she just wants the last laugh, feels like I got it and now that I am ignoring her she is wanting to strike again. Not only that, 36 hours is not enough time to evaluate the situation, my heart is still beating harder than it should. Thats why I went to sleep and couldnt sleep without thinking of her. It is not the time to text her back yet.

I do have a question though (even though no one reads my thread except christwowheels and he probably doesnt check up on it either haha) The question is, what if she does want the last laugh, will that last laugh feeling last the full 30 days, she should get over that right? She should either feel like 'whatever screw him I dont even care anymore' or 'omg I miss him', right? It should be a small percentage that it is still something she wants to do because I didnt do anything bad like that to her to make her hate me for 30 days and want to strike again. So I dont see why she would wait 30 days just to mess with me, I would assume she should be thinking clearly after 30 days and so should I so it shouldnt bother her at that point... I guess I answered my own question.

I texted her and said 'Sure. lol' No response, f it im over it. Thank for being here.

Its just too draining wondering whats gonna happen. I let it go. I have made super changes in my life so it will be easy to find someone else.