Haha, maybe I should start asking for advice before I mess these things up?

Okay, so I met a girl about a week and a half ago, she lives like 45 mins from me - and we hit it off from the get-go. She described it as "electric" this morning... Boogie woogie woogie... but ironically enough, thats what she tells me as she is trying to end things.

Summary - Date 1 (Last Monday): Hit it off like no other - both agreed, best first date ever. Big time sparks, make-out session, texted each other non-stop the next few days.

Date 2 (Last Thursday): I spent the night, unbelievable chemistry, I had sent her flowers and she went bonkers over them... we were already talking about relationship potential... etc.

Date 3 (Late Saturday night - Monday morning): She has a job that requires her to work weird hours so I went over when she got off - spent the night, woke up in the morning and cleaned up a little bit, made her breakfast, picked up a coffee for her... and when she woke up - I had it all ready to go. She was floored by all of this saying that "no one has ever treated me the way you have been treating me. I feel like I don't even deserve it." Of course - I am over here smitten as a little kitten just like so pumped up that I am having these mutual feelings for another girl. I am not one to express myself and how I am feeling exactly - but as she would say these things to me (extremely lovey dovey things), I definitely didn't like run away from it. Haha. Later that night, we went to dinner and she told me some very personal stories about her life and how she came to be the person that she is now - and I will admit - it was pretty heavy stuff. I probably could have had a better reaction to it all, but honestly some if it freaked me out a little bit in the moment. I told her I was just trying to take in everything she had just told me before I really say anything because I don't want to say something stupid. She was talking about how she's never told anyone what she told me - not even her parents - and of course I offered her the support she needed. I'm not a ... We went to dinner... talked more... and at this point it really started to feel like we were in a relationship with just the way the conversation was going and how intense it all felt and I will admit... I started to get feelings of nervousness. We went back to her place after dinner again and watched a movie, had a romantic evening on the couch... which then turned into the bed.... and the shower... etc.

The next morning, I had to head back to get a little bit of work done - and she was a little bit grouchy that morning. I guess she was feeling insecure because the rest of the day she was texting me off the hook about how she was so scared she was going to "F*** things up with us" and how "thats the last thing she wants to do". She was sending me lovey dovey quotes that she found on Pinterest, said that she would be willing to meet my family (which is something I am not quite ready for), and begged me to come back up there later that night - and when I say begged, I mean BEGGGGGGED. So, I did - of course.... sure this girl is a little intense... but I am all about her - sexy inside and out, very caring, seems extremely loyal, and is someone who has been taking care of themselves since they were 18. I have a lot of respect for this girl...

Anyway, I go up there and she comes running down the street to greet me as I am walking towards her place. I have never been hugged like that in my life... haha... I go into her place, and she has a surprise for me - a card, some triple stuffed oreos (since I had made a joke about them the day before), and a T-Rex toy (because of another inside joke). Anyway, the card was written out, extremely sweet, but all of these things kinda scared me. Is that normal? Its like we were a week into dating going on a serious relationship? So at this point... I definitely pulled back a little bit. I mean, I told her how sweet it was, we sat down on the couch, laughed with each other, got a little romantic, and went to bed... but the next morning it was just a different story. I woke up and was feeling like nervous as hell.... picked a couple of stupid little arguments about how she likes cats more than dogs... and I don't know some other crap.

When I left that morning, it was a bit tense... but I texted her when I got home just to let her know that I was sorry for getting all weird after she did all those nice things for me. BUT she shut down completely. Literally... I have only received a handful of texts from her - no phone call or anything. In those texts, she has basically said that she has too weird of a work schedule to be able to make it work with a guy like me who is a teacher.... she said that her feelings are true and blah blah blah, but she can't be 100% committed and that it wouldn't be fair to me.... ya know... every line in the book. She says that the connection we have is "electric" but she thinks that the timing is off? I think she is just scared of getting hurt again, but what do I know.

Whats the deal? What do I do? I know she probably seems a little psycho.... but I dig it. You all seem to be pretty level-headed and your advice is always helpful. What do you think?

Hmm, it sounds to me as if she senses your nervousness/fear, and to her own natural "extremity," is giving you an out. Almost like a test. Let her know how you feel, but if she feels the way she does, you understand, and will give her, her space. And then actually do it.. if she's as serious for you as she says and does, then she will text you and come drawing to you again over time, as she'll miss you (unless there is/was someone else).

Otherwise, maybe she is a bit... wild in the head... and is very emotional, in which.. good luck, you might want to walk away.

I'm seeing some signs of some possible red flags here. What was her background about that you found was pretty heavy?

A ton of Red Flags with this one.... Even before the over the top statements about how she is "falling in love" and "never felt this way before". As far as her past goes, I don't want to post it on here out of respect to her... But just take my word for it... It definitely causes her to be a little hesitant with trusting people. Which is why I am so confused. She went from like 100% all in red hot to 0% running away ice cold. How can someone go from one extreme to the other in such a short period of time? I wanna say she's just a psycho and move on... But maybe I'm a little nuts? I don't know... But I want her bad. Have since the first time I met her.

@flasheng - thanks for the insight and advice. Both scenarios are definitely possibilities...

A ton of Red Flags with this one.... Even before the over the top statements about how she is "falling in love" and "never felt this way before". As far as her past goes, I don't want to post it on here out of respect to her... But just take my word for it... It definitely causes her to be a little hesitant with trusting people. Which is why I am so confused. She went from like 100% all in red hot to 0% running away ice cold. How can someone go from one extreme to the other in such a short period of time? I wanna say she's just a psycho and move on... But maybe I'm a little nuts? I don't know... But I want her bad. Have since the first time I met her.

 

@flasheng - thanks for the insight and advice. Both scenarios are definitely possibilities...

She may not be a psycho, but she may suffer borderline personality disorder. The quick attachment, the hot and cold emotions and the fear you will run are 3 certain symptoms.

Yeahhhh.... I know, Ed. What do I do then?

Yeahhhh.... I know, Ed. What do I do then?

That's up to you but don't ignore red flags and think they will iron themselves out. Me, I would probably slow things down and see what other red flags exist before diving in too deep. I've been in a relationship with a diagnosed BPD individual, and they are hell to get out of.

Haha well fair point... Not an issue right now though... She won't even talk to me.

Sounds a lot like a lack of confidence on her part, embarrassment about opening up so much so soon, and a bit of "testing" to see how you'll react. If you've reached out to her, then stop chasing and let her come back. Best analogy I heard was that women are like cats. When they are done being affectionate, they walk away for a while and don't want to be chased around. Hang out and let her come back for more. Otherwise you'll come accross as desparate. If she doesn't come back, you were probably in for a hot/cold treatment as long as you stayed anyway. If she does, then you've demonstrated your into her, but she needs to show interest as well.

Sounds a lot like a lack of confidence on her part, embarrassment about opening up so much so soon, and a bit of "testing" to see how you'll react. If you've reached out to her, then stop chasing and let her come back. Best analogy I heard was that women are like cats. When they are done being affectionate, they walk away for a while and don't want to be chased around. Hang out and let her come back for more. Otherwise you'll come accross as desparate. If she doesn't come back, you were probably in for a hot/cold treatment as long as you stayed anyway. If she does, then you've demonstrated your into her, but she needs to show interest as well.

Cat analogy is perfect for this girl. Haha. Too funny.

I mean, I've definitely let her know how I feel because I thought the issue was that she was insecure about opening up. Probably made a fool out of myself... But nothing I can do about it now.

Will just let her be and see where the cards fall...

She does not sound very stable at all.

This is almost like a rebound relationship. Very high from the get-go and finishes just as fast.

She should probably seek some therapy for her 'issues' so she can someday, hopefully, be more with it, emotionally & mentally.

No. It is not normal to go from one extreme to the next.

A proper relationship, starts of easy and works on up, over time. It was bound to come to an end, soon enough.

Best give her that space and don't bother her. She needs to deal with things.

Re bold, in two words -- bipolar disorder. I suffer from it and have for years. Before meds I behaved and reacted EXACTLY like her. My moods swung from one extreme to the other, often within the same day, sometimes within the same hour!

I can't say for sure of course, but that's what it sounds like to me.

Re bold, in two words -- bipolar disorder. I suffer from it and have for years. Before meds I behaved and reacted EXACTLY like her. My moods swung from one extreme to the other, often within the same day, sometimes within the same hour!

 

I can't say for sure of course, but that's what it sounds like to me.

Okay... so considering you are someone with Bipolar Disorder... is it worth sticking around? Is it possible that she could come around with time? I mean... I really did like the girl and felt a real connection and I think I did just scare her off by reacting the way I did. That could have triggered it and she is using this as her defense mechanism. I just don't know what to do or if theres anything I even can do to get things back on track. Everyone else says to just let it go and let her come back... which seems logical enough. I don't know though... maybe you have a better idea?

Okay... so considering you are someone with Bipolar Disorder... is it worth sticking around? Is it possible that she could come around with time? I mean... I really did like the girl and felt a real connection and I think I did just scare her off by reacting the way I did. That could have triggered it and she is using this as her defense mechanism. I just don't know what to do or if theres anything I even can do to get things back on track. Everyone else says to just let it go and let her come back... which seems logical enough. I don't know though... maybe you have a better idea?

Yes you reacted....but your reaction did not happen out of nowhere. You reacted in response to HER actions, which were somewhat over-the-top IMO (although typical for someone with bipolar) being that you have only known her a week and a half. Any man would have had the same reaction and many of them wouldn't be considering returning for more of the same either. They would be running for the hills.

So that said, if you continue to move ahead with her, there will always be over-the-top actions coming from her and/or other things she does, or does not do, that will cause you to react a certain way (pull back, need some space, etc.). And you should not feel guilty about those reactions....they are YOUR reactions and you are entitled to them (unless they are abusive... but frankly it does not appear to me that you have an abuse bone in your body). IMO, your reaction (needing to pull back a bit and slow down) was perfectly appropriate...give her over-the-top behavior so soon in the RL.

If HER reaction to YOUR reaction is as severe as it was here, your relationship will become the quintessential "roller coaster ride," push/pull, off and on, back and forth, with you "walking on eggshells" so as to not cause her to shut down.

I know this because that is precisely how my relationships were also, prior to meds. I was always over-reacting, overly-sensitive, when I had even the slightest suspicion that a man was pulling back, I would end the entire relationship, as quickly and as abruptly as it started.

Then, when I calmed down, I would regret it, get back in touch with him, and the whole cycle would start all over again. Basically, my moods and behavior were literally crazy-making for my boyfriends, but, like you, they were intrigued by me, and I suppose they thought they could help me somehow, so they stayed.

It was only after I was properly diagnosed that I was put on the proper meds and my relationships (well, one RL actually) started becoming more stable, more healthy, more normal. We didn't experience the constant high and lows like before, it's A LOT more peaceful, but I like it much better. My boyfriend, on the other hand, had a hard time adjusting to the "new" me. He became so accustomed to the high and lows, my irrational mood swings, and for lack of a better word, all the drama, that it was a hard adjustment. We are still working it out.

You are not the first man I've heard say that you like "psycho" women. I don't know what it is about this type of woman that men find so intriguing, but while in the throes of my disorder, men were drawn to me like bees to honey. Perhaps they are dealing with their own type of demons. Not suggesting you are, but when I read your post saying (in response to another poster) that you know she's sort of psycho, but you like it, I was not surprised!

Haha thank you so much @weathergirl - really puts it into perspective. I know that this girl has a great heart... And I know she cares about me, but this reaction was just so unexpected. So what do you think I should do? Just let her be and wait for her to come back? It sounds like you have me figured out... Pretty much right on the money. Haha. I do like the crazy - despite my friends and family discouraging me from it. I'm like a moth to a flame. Anyway, unless I have something else going on relationship wise - I know I would give it another go

She's mentioned to me (when things were good) how badly she wanted me to go in and visit her at work. Given her job, I never wanted to... But I'm thinking about going up there tonight with my bro and his gf with a flower or two to just kind of surprise her. Obviously leave immediately if it doesn't go well.... But I don't know what her reaction would be... I know a normal girl would be creeped out... But I could see her eating it up because it's just as extreme as what she has done. Idk... I'm kind of an idiot. Thoughts?

STTY... when she wrote this (below), how did you respond? Have you even responded back to her at all after she sent you those texts?

>>Literally... I have only received a handful of texts from her - no phone call or anything. In those texts, she has basically said that she has too weird of a work schedule to be able to make it work with a guy like me who is a teacher.... she said that her feelings are true and blah blah blah, but she can't be 100% committed and that it wouldn't be fair to me.... ya know... every line in the book. She says that the connection we have is "electric" but she thinks that the timing is off?

Well on our first date we were talking abou work schedules... I'm on summer break so it's easy now, but she specifically asked me "when it gets harder to see each other, will you be willing to put in the effort to still make it work?" I said yes then, and reminded her of that. She said "well I think I realized I'm not able to anymore" in her follow-up.

I said the feelings she had - I was feeling too, but it all just seemed so unreal that I didn't want to rush it. I didn't know how to respond when you told me those things...

As far as the 100% committed goes, I never commented on that

Well on our first date we were talking abou work schedules... I'm on summer break so it's easy now, but she specifically asked me "when it gets harder to see each other, will you be willing to put in the effort to still make it work?" I said yes then, and reminded her of that. She said "well I think I realized I'm not able to anymore" in her follow-up.

 

I said the feelings she had - I was feeling too, but it all just seemed so unreal that I didn't want to rush it. I didn't know how to respond when you told me those things...

As far as the 100% committed goes, I never commented on that

Well I can certainly understand why you are so confused! Without knowing her, I will try and put myself in her shoes (so to speak) and take a shot at what might be going on with her.

Basically, I think she's scared. Scared of her own intense feelings (which happened very quickly), scared of getting hurt because of those feelings, scared that one day you will lose interest in her completely and "abandon" her.

When you pulled back the other night (albeit ever so slightly - or maybe it wasn't so slightly... she got a little "taste" of what that felt like and it scared the living daylights outta her (emotionally). Reality hit...you may one day abandon her like all the others before you did.

She doesn't want to experience those negative emotions again, so, instead of looking at things logically and rationally and realizing that relationships and commitment take time to develop and build.... she decided to just end the whole thing. Irrational, yes, but understandable, at least to me.

What I think she needs is a lot of reassurance from you. It's sort of like an "all or nothing" situation. She is not willing or desirous of taking any chances here...her emotions are just too sensitive, too fragile. She knows this but is at a loss as to how to fix it (within herself) or what to do about it, other than just ending the entire relationship.

Before meds, I felt the same way and essentially did the same thing. In response, my boyfriends always responded with long winded texts or email messages attempting to reassure me about how much they cared, what a strong connection we had, etc.. That is what I needed at the time, although in retrospect, I don't think it was very healthy. Because seriously after only one and one half weeks (or however short or long it was), how could they possibly know for sure they would always be there for me. It was crazy! But their reassurance often worked so I would agree to give it another shot. Now, after a brief low (or even a long low depending on how long the break was), we're back on the high again!

Until the next time he did something that caused me to feel insecure, off balance (which was often and almost always came out of nowhere) and then I was back to wanting to end things again. Then him trying to reassure me, me agreeing to give it another go, now we're back on the high again!

You know StayTrue, I give you a lot of credit here. I said before I thought my boyfriends were dealing with their own demons, their own type of internal crazy, but you seem different. Instead of reassuring her that you would always be there for her, would not let her down, abandon her etc., which is utterly ludicrous... how could you possibly know that after one and one half weeks...your response was rational, logical, healthy and the correct response.

I know you said you are drawn to the crazy... but when you really think about it, would you really be happy in the long term with someone you constantly had to reassure all the time, OR with whom you could not be yourself... for fear she would shut down, turn off and/or run away from?

I realize she made you feel alive. But remember, with the highs also come the lows. Unless you willing to put up with a certain amount of emotional drama here, you would be best advised not to pursue it.

But then again, you said you are kinda drawn to the crazy....so it's really up to you!

Re the bold...LOL yes you are right, a "normal" girl "would" probably be creeped out by that, but if she's anything like I was...way back when....I think it would be just what she needs...

Let us know what happens!

Haha well believe it or not, she just texted me and asked me to respect her space, so I will not be making that bold move tonight. Ill keep you guys posted on this one... But I don't see anything coming out of it. It's amazing to me that someone so irrational can somehow make me feel like the crazy one... Haha

Haha well believe it or not, she just texted me and asked me to respect her space, so I will not be making that bold move tonight. Ill keep you guys posted on this one... But I don't see anything coming out of it. It's amazing to me that someone so irrational can somehow make me feel like the crazy one... Haha

Par for the course...she'll be back, trust me on that. In the meantime, think about how you will respond to her when she does. And whether or not you really want all this emotional sturm and drang and drama in your life.

You did NOTHING wrong. You are not the crazy one.

Par for the course...she'll be back, trust me on that. In the meantime, think about how you will respond to her when she does. And whether or not you really want all this emotional sturm and drang and drama in your life.

 

You did NOTHING wrong. You are not the crazy one.

I feel crazy... Haha. But I appreciate the support and confidence though. Any idea of how long it will be? I know that's a ridiculous question... But she straight up said "no one has ever treated me so well in my entire life, no one has ever looked at me the way you look at me, etc" I mean... I figure in time she will come around, but that's so open-ended. I am not good at this stuff at all... Haha

Any idea of how long it will be? I know that's a ridiculous question... But she straight up said "no one has ever treated me so well in my entire life, no one has ever looked at me the way you look at me, etc" I mean... I figure in time she will come around, but that's so open-ended. I am not good at this stuff at all... Haha

Hmmm...that's a tough one to answer, but one thing is for sure. IF you stay NO CONTACT, she will eventually contact you. It could be a couple of days, a week, a month.... I just can't answer that.

This is just a guess based on personal experiences but she may be testing you to see how hard you will chase her. DON'T do it.... if you do, you set yourself up for a very unhealthy and unbalanced "cat/mouse" type interaction with her.

I am curious about something though. What did you say to her (in a text message?) that caused her to respond with "please respect my space."

Well, I made a joke about coming into her work just to see her reaction. Haha. Glad I did. I had sent a few texts before that too - because I haven't heard from her since she gave me one really long text about why she didn't want to keep this going. I mean maybe I'm crazy... But I felt like I deserved a phone call at least considering she loved me, right?? haha.

Plus she said something about remaining friends still, and problems she thought we would have with our schedules and blah blah blah. I felt like I needed to respond to the issues she brought up. Plus I was asking for a phone call... Seems reasonable? So in total I sent like... 7 texts - so maybe the volume of the texts is what she was referring to as well? To be fair though... That was over the course of 15 ish hours... Plus we've been texting or talking on the phone all day every day since we started talking... So it's not as extreme as it would be for people who maybe don't text that much. For instance, she sent me 10 consecutive texts once while I was driving home from her place... I was driving and just wasn't looking but since an hour or so had passed without a response, she assumed I was mad at her. Plus she has "read receipts" on so I know she was ignoring me today. Haha. So when I said "maybe I should just come to ***** (her work) tonight" she freaked out and responded with that.

I mean... This is just all so ridiculous. Anyway, so NC is the way to go I guess... Wish I just never responded to the original text now. Haha. And don't chase her... That'll be tough. Ill be sure to come back here for advice if she contacts me before I even respond. Maybe I should just post the entire break-up text so you really know what's going on. Haha

>>And don't chase her... That'll be tough.

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You should talk to my boyfriend! Whenever I pulled this type of crap (before meds of course...lol)....he ALWAYS chased. I loved it (at the time) because (a) I was completely dysfunctional, and (b) it sent me the message that he was actually attracted to all the drama and chaos...which motivated me to continue the same pattern of behavior! Like you, he liked the crazy, he was attracted to the crazy...still does to a certain extent even! But nothing ever changed...by chasing me he was actually enabling me.

I realize all this now of course because I am healthy (although I still have my moments...lol). But they are fewer and far between and I don't react and run off whenever I feel insecure about something anymore.

So whenever I start the crazies and start to pull away, he doesn't chase me anymore. Which allows me to take the time I need to calm down and think through my emotions, and when I am ready, I contact him, which allows for a healthy communication of why I went temporary "crazy" in the first place.

Seriously though, I think he really does love the drama. I always tell him that I think I might be "too boring" for him now...lol, because I am so much more healthy and rational now. Which is kinda crazy in and of itself...but he's got his own set of demons I suppose, which he trying to work through. So maybe we will be okay, hope so!