Moving forward after his breakdown turned out lives upside down

I have been posting here for 9 months on and off, but am now looking for help / advice getting the clarity I need to move on one and for all. My situation is very complicated. I will bullet point it here to save anyone from reading too much.

• I was engaged to a man who I was incredibly happy with. He was seemingly madly in love, devoted, could not be happier. We were a perfect match in most ways and were compatible on every level.
  
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• We lived together with my child and his child. Happy blended family. He was a wonderful partner and father and stepfather. All four of us loved each other very much and had a really happy house.
  
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• I had relocated a significant distance from family, friends and job to live with him, which put a lot of pressure on me. Where he lived was very rural, did not have jobs in my field, and I could not afford a car on his salary. It was hard, but we really loved each other.
  
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• In 2013 our family experienced a severe run of bad luck and extremely stressful circumstances. As I was starting my own business, was isolated and was very stressed I developed generalised panic disorder. It was not crippling, but it affected me and for many months he offered me emotional support through this illness.
  
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• Over this period he developed depression himself (we had a huge number of outside stressors and huge financial pressures), but did not realise it was happening and did not communicate to me in order to protect me. He felt it was his role to look after me and he felt if he showed how down he was that I would leave him.
  
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• He had a nervous breakdown in Nov 13 and collapsed in on himself completely. Before people ask, it was most definitely a breakdown and a severe one as I witnessed it over many months. He left me very unexpectedly during the period when the breakdown started. He sent me a text message to say it was over and he was never coming back. This came out of nowhere. I can't describe the shock. He saw me as a burden he could not cope with and felt the only way to get better was to not have to worry about me anymore.
  
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• He took me on a rollercoaster after that point of saying he loved me still and just needed time and asking for my support to hating me blaming me and telling me to go away. At times, he was so loving and opened up to me. Then he would turn cold and cruel again. Some of the things he did were unbelievably cruel and have left me quite shaken.
  
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• He had a very unhappy and painful marriage before me where he was emotionally abused over a period of years and did not react. He also had a difficult childhood where he was in boarding school from the age of 10 and also where he was bullied.
  
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• After he left, he did not say goodbye to my child, would not allow me to say goodbye to his, and our children who shared a home and life for years never got to say goodbye to each other either. It has been very traumatic on every level really and myself and my son have found it hard to adjust.
  
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Fast forward nine months and he is better but in the wake of his breakdown is a different person. Whereas before he was so kind and full of empathy for others, he is now selfish and does not see or really care about myself or the children being casualties in his breakdown. He simply says he realised that after many years (or a lifetime) of trying to please everyone, that he was exhausting himself and he needed to only focus on his own needs. He says he likes living alone.

Now, I do understand the mechanics of what happened to him, and I understand this was always about him and not me, but at the same time I lost my home, family, partner, life as I knew it, had my wedding cancelled and I feel so much all consuming grief and have no clue how or where to direct it. I find it hard to get "closure".

These parts leave me very confused:

1. He claims now that he was "people pleasing" and that he believed my love was conditional on him being a superman and this comes from the rejection of his previous wife who cheated on him over a very long period. He thought if he was the perfect partner, perfect Dad, perfect man I would never do that to him an that I would never leave. He said he thought if he showed me the warts and all version that I would not love him. But this feels so unfair...because he never actually asked me and I didn't know he felt this way. Now, he's looking back at our relationship and seeing nothing but the fact that he was needing to work so hard at it. And he blames me, although it was never what I wanted or asked of him. I feel cheated, like I was the pawn in someone else's game. I believed I had a 100% honest and completely healthy relationship. I find it hard to adjust to the truth.

2. He and I had such a happy, kind, mutually loving and giving relationship and it was turned to one where he hated me overnight....and his only reason for that was that I had anxiety. Even 9 months on this is his ONLY reason. Apart from that he agrees we were perfect together and he absolutely loved me. It hurts me SO much that my illness which I could not control was given as a reason to treat me this way and I cannot stop blaming myself and feeling confused over how this one thing made me unworthy of love when I had so much more to me and gave so much to him and to making a life with him. I ave up EVERYTHING to make that life with him and was left pissing in the wind.

3. I am consumed with guilt for our children. I have no idea what to do or how I move forward from this. I have asked if we can all have contact, and my ex seems really to avoid the question. I believe he thinks it is better for the four of us simply to disappear from each others lives as if 5 years of family never even happened.

4. I don't know now if he ever truly loved me the way I loved him, or if I was just being used. I am scared that everything that was most previous to me in my life (him, our children, our home, the life we were making) was just a big fake. And if it was...where does this leave me?

As hard as I try to tell myself that I loved someone who didn't really exist, that there was nothing I could have done, that he was not who I thought he was etc.. I keep coming back to what my heart tells me. My heart tells me that we should have been together because we fit. He was not pretending every day for so long. He was a genuinely kind and loving man. We got along SO well. We fancied each other like mad (still do!) and we were kind to each other every day. It WAS good...and because of his depression I think he ONLY saw the few months I had anxiety. This all makes it hard for me to let go because it seems wrong and senseless.

I am sorry for the long post. I would be so grateful to hear from anyone who has moved on after unexpected abandonment. I want to make a new life, but I can't let go in a way where I feel peaceful about it.

All I can ever do is feel confused, conflicted, frustrated.

People, with a life and a family and a ring on their finger are SUPPOSED to get a chance to work on problems. They are not supposed to be denied the opportunity by the other person pretending their were none and disappearing into the night with the decision to end a life together being made all on their own. People are SUPPOSED to get a build up period where they sense things are not quite right. For me, this was just a massive shock.

And also, would like to add...I understand about moving on from relationships and all these things, but I also think with children it is more complicated. My grief is compounded by the fact that this man was the only father figure my (aspergers) son ever knew. My son is so devastated, and to him, he lost his father...his real father in his eyes...and I am not sure how to ever put any of it right.

My ex seems to want us to disappear and it makes me so angry that he just abandoned my little boy. Stop loving me...fine...but my little boy

So sorry to read your story, sounds like you're in so much pain.

I understand what you're saying about the feeling of being let down/betrayed by not getting a chance to work on the relationship. Just basically being bailed on. Same thing happened to me. Makes you feel powerless and takes a huge toll on ones self esteem. The lesson being, I guess, that we only have control over ourselves, and therefore it is up to us to make the right decisions for ourselves in our lives. Just as your ex presumably feels that he made the right decision in his. (even if the way he went about it was hurtful to you)

How long ago did this happen? Are you still in contact with this man? Where are you living now?

Hi Marlee. It happened 9 months ago, but in fairness, it was only really March this year that we stopped seeing each other / sleeping together / trying to work through it.

I still live up where I relocated to be with him. My son was sparest at the time not to move schools. He needed some sore or familiarity.

I think the reason I am posting is that I am coming to the time where I am ready to move back to where I should be, to begin again, and I know this is the last and final goodbye to all hope.

I just never expected any of this as being possible. I know nobody does...but my ex really was the kindest, sweetest, most lovely, darling man ever. His eyes always filled with tears when he saw something sad on the TV, he took in waifs and strays all the time, he HATED seeing me upset in any way or the kids. It was like invasion of the body snatchers.

I hardly ever talk to him now. If we see each other, it's hard for him. He still feels the feelings of love towards me, he still fancies me more than any other woman, he looks at me and it reminds him. He feels he made a decision for himself, but he claims it was the hardest thing he ever did. Hence he avoids me. Says it is too hard.

It's just hard for me too.

I understand how hard it must be to let go, when you are still so full of love for him.

Perhaps you're just at a place in both of your lives when the timing is off. It sounds like he has a lot of issues to work out.

I guess you just have to close your eyes and let go. Trust that better things will come. And maybe in time, you might even find your way back to each other, but at the moment you're on separate paths.

Read somewhere: "Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be"

I know you are in pain because I was going through a somewhat similar situation from last year. A great relationship which flipped almost overnight. He abandoned me during the pregnancy. My daughter is now almost six months. The good news is that it does get better but only if you accept the demise of your relationship. There is really nothing you can do about how life hits someone else and how they choose to react to it. You can only focus on taking care of yourself. It is not easy because I was so

Mad at my ex for not being stronger. For not seeing how good I was for him and that we could have managed whatever life threw at us together. He made his choices. I have accepted them now. I cannot pretend that I understand it completely because I

Don't but that is fine. My daughter and I will be just fine. My ex came close to being the one. But in the end he was not. The one stays and makes it work. He does not run and morph into a jerk. Please work on accepting the situation. Rationalizing does not help you heal. All you see when you rationalize is could have, was, maybe or whatever

A luta continua

If he had an MDE, he might still be experiencing its effects. It can be tricky like that, for some it lasts weeks to months and only once in a life time. For others it's reoccurring, set off by triggers. The severity can vary a great deal as well. With my ex, his MDE was a trigger for me, as can happen, like with your anxiety.

Here's the thing: it's not your fault. Exes aren't anymore responsible for our feelings than we are of theirs, and it sounds like he didn't have the coping skills to be there with what you were going through.

I admit, it would put me off if I financially supported someone and they made it known that a situation that was already taking a lot out of me, was crippling their happiness. It would be hard not question if anything would ever be enough for them.

That said, it sounds like he internalized those type of negative thoughts to an extreme, resulting in resentment instead of compassion. Depression tends to make us see everything with poo-colored glasses. The fact he left blaming you for his MDE is very telling, and sadly common.

Don't openly blame the depression as the culprit, even if it very likely is. If he believes he is free of his MDE, you have no choice to take what he says at face value. While depression may cause his behavior, it's insulting to others to not validate other people's feelings, no matter their state of mind.

I'm too trying to get passed a break up with some one I say is *going through a lot* (*kid gloves: he despises the depression label). It makes it more difficult to assess your own feelings, but you aren't alone. It might actually be easier to see them as just jerks.

I am so sorry to read this SaraJane. I was in a relationship with a man several years ago who turned out to have bipolar. He became a completely different person to the I be I thought I knew - we had been together 8 years. I remember thinking many times that it was as though my real partner had been abducted by aliens, and I just wanted the old partner back. In my case, there were other women, gambling, compulsively spending himself to bankruptcy. I stayed 2 years and couldn't take it anymore.

I have a feeling though that it might be different for you and your partner. My ex tells people he was very sorry for what he put me through, but I moved on and met someone else. I didn't want to go back after the other women - it happened more than once.

I'm very sorry for the children too. I think it is likely at some point, that he will have more clarity with time. The only thing you can do is take care of yourself and your child. If it was me, I would consider seeking legal advice regarding access. To visiting his child.

All the best.

And also, would like to add...I understand about moving on from relationships and all these things, but I also think with children it is more complicated. My grief is compounded by the fact that this man was the only father figure my (aspergers) son ever knew. My son is so devastated, and to him, he lost his father...his real father in his eyes...and I am not sure how to ever put any of it right.

 

My ex seems to want us to disappear and it makes me so angry that he just abandoned my little boy. Stop loving me...fine...but my little boy

 

Don't ever hang your kids on someone else like that, it's what makes a relationship go beyond the point of recovery and into the zone of "never ever again."

 

It's a tough road for all of us, focus on the positive and use every moment to build on the good that has come from the day past.

>>He said he thought if he showed me the warts and all version that I would not love him.

Here's the thing. He finally HAS shown you all of his warts, and the picture is not pretty. He's shown you he is capable of being a fair weather lover, where he abandons you and your child when the going gets tough. And he is being very clear that he WANTS to be selfish and think only about himself, and doesn't feel the least bit guilty about leaving because his highest priority is himself and what he find enjoyable and he has no intention of enduring a 'bad moment' for anybody including you. So you have just learned about who he really is and who he wants to be, and that person is not your partner or a person who is willing to deal with any 'hassle' at all. And he may see your anxiety disorder and your son's Aspbergers as too much 'hassle' for himself to deal with, so he cuts you off rather than digging deep and being unselfish and working thru it with you.

Your task now is to accept that life is about change, and he has decided that he wants to choose another path for himself other than being your partner. So you need to focus on the fact that no matter how great you thought it was, he perceived it differently, and decided to bolt rather than adapt to your new circumstances that put you all under stress. So rather than 'til death do us part', it was 'til it's not fun for me anymore.' So that's by default the definition of a fair weather lover, which he turned out to be. And that IS him though you want to cling to the idea that he was perfect for you. He just wasn't because that is a HUGE flaw when trying to have a permanent relationship, and one that can't be overcome. He will most likely have a series of serial relationships in his life, where he sticks around until it isn't 'fun' anymore for whatever reason, then he'll bolt.

And one thing you have to get over is how it is 'SUPPOSED' to be as you say. There are a million different ways people are and will live their lives, and sometimes they will fall into the model of being great people who will behave well, and sometimes they fall into the model of people who behave badly when challenged. So there are no guarantees, and you've learned the hard way that this guy is someone who behaves badly when he gets anywhere outside his comfort zone. So I know you wanted him to stay 'perfect' forever, but the reality is he is who he is, and he's a person who has decided to be selfish and not work thru anything he finds unpleasant or annoying.

So for you to get better, you need to accept who he really is, which is a guy who doesn't do 'hard' and who won't make large sacrifices for other people. And life IS hard and will throw curve balls and challenges your way, so it was destined to fall apart eventually (as it did) because he is who he is. And rather than feeling all gooey 'wasn't he perfect' about him, you need to start finding your anger because this guy bolted on you and is totally blaming you for his own bad behavior at bolting you and abandoning you during hard times.

9 months later, it is time to let go. Time to put this bolter behind you and accept that he may have been 'nice' but he is also weak and a bit nasty to dump you and kick you when you were down blaming you for his character defect of being a fair weather lover. Move away from where he lives where you can't get a job, move to where you have family, friends, or good employment opportunities to support yourself and your son. And stop fantasizing about how you've lost the most perfect lover in the world because he was distinctly NOT perfect at all as you've discovered.

btw, it is a common fallacy to think that if a relationship breaks up it means 'he never loved you.' Of course he did or he wouldn't have started up with you and stayed for 5 years. The reality is it takes so much more to make a long term relationship work than just love feelings. There has to be commitment, dedication, shared goals and values, unselfishness etc. And with him, you hit the wall and discovered that his commitment was only as deep as 'fun factor' and when it wasn't so fun anymore, he was out! So absolutely do NOT focus on whether there were 'love feelings' or not because the thing that holds couples together are both people having enough commitment and desire to stick together thru the rough times, and he just was lacking that in his character. So it wasn't a failure of love, it was a failure of character that did this in, as well as some serious selfishness on his part.

And as much as you wanted him as a father for your son, he has chosen otherwise. So it is time to let him go and let all those fantasies about the past go, and go find a good life for yourself and your son that doesn't include a fair weather lover like him. Stop contact with him entirely. Don't see him or talk to him. Get your boxes packed, and get on with your life!

btw, i don't know how old your son is, but in today's world, he will likely once he is a teenager and gets on FB be able to stay in touch with your ex's son even if your ex doesn't want to stay in contact with you. I know of many cases where stepchildren eventually find each other later after the bitter divorces of their parents, and carry on supportive sibling relationships.

So your son will eventually be able to re-establish a sibling-type relationship with your former stepchild, as may you, but it can't happen now if your ex truly wants to put this relationship behind him and move on. So don't carry that guilt around of breaking up the children... he broke this off, not you, and your kids may well find each other again later in life even if you and your ex aren't together.

I agree with all of this. To me, all of this boils down to responsibility, pressure, coping, resentment, and self-focus. You can even take the word depression off the table for the discussion.

I can't personally imagine financially supporting myself and my fiance on my salary alone - let alone a child as well. I am not saying you are at fault but that I am trying to put myself in both of your shoes here. And I can imagine it would be difficult to have that plus having to deal with your anxiety as well. I'm also not sure what additional care your son might have needed. It's overwhelming to think about ... because life shifts from the responsibility to high-pressure. And of course his way of coping was to keep it all inside until he couldn't take it anymore.

In the aftermath, I agree, it sounds like he's left with resentment. I think that given the fact you were engaged and there are children involved I understand why you both were giving it a shot. Given that he is at the place of self-focus, then I do think it's important for you to focus on yourself and your son. Go to counseling and take your son to counseling as well. You may need some professional help to assist you both in the letting go process.

I think your ex's resentment/self-focus mantra is pretty telling. He hasn't moved on and he is not in the place to be willing to try to cope with the same situation (potentially) again. And, to a certain extent, if he can't cope with the reality that you may have issues, he may have issues, and the financial pressures may be the same, it is actually A FAVOR to you and your son to NOT reunite, move back in, live similar circumstances, and have him leave again.

I'm sorry for your pain. I do think posters (including lavendar) have commented on past posts of yours and have been very clear that he has not been a good candidate for a husband/father for a very long time.

I'm glad you came back to update. Sometimes a thread resonates and sticks...and I'll wonder what happened to that person for months...

I don't have any advice other than...if someone doesn't want to be with me....I don't want to be with them. I'm not ever going to persuade someone into being with me...and with that said...I think you need to let this guy go.

I was with someone for 2 1/2 years...and my daughter was sad when we broke up...we talked about it. We sat there in the fall, looking out at the leaves falling off the trees, and we talked about how saying goodbye to some things means new things can come in. So we said good bye to summer...to swim suits, and ice cream melting outside, and bike rides and sunburns, and tank tops...and we welcomed mittens, and sledding, and sitting in front of the fireplace, and snow angels, and movie nights cuddled under blankets.

We talked about other things that come and go. I told her about a friendship that I had for 26 years that ended...we grew apart...but that ending made room for all of the friends that I have in my life now...the people she calls her "aunties and uncles". We talked about how I lived with nanna and poppa, and one day I grew up and moved out and had her. We talked about how one day, that would happen to her too. We talked about how it's okay to think about things that we've let go, it's okay to miss them sometimes...but that we can't just think about that, we need to think about new things, and things that we want in our lives. So we said good bye to Mat. And his dog. And his mom and dad. And the bedroom that he made for her at his house. And fires in his back yard. And going for ice cream with him. And wee decided that there was going to be someone else that will come along into our family, and when he comes, that would be good. And...you know what? It's been a while since that conversation...almost a year...but someone else is in our lives now But we had to let go of Mat first so that our hearts were open.

I forget how old your son is, but my daughter was 4 1/2 when we had that conversation...it's important to make things age appropriate...but kids are way smarter than we give them credit for. Talk to him. It might help you in the letting go department too

My heart goes out to you. It's a natural reaction to feel as though there should be some neutral third party in the universe that can grant you the fair warnings and second chances that we all 'should' be entitled to.

That's part of the bargaining and denial stages of grief--see the 5 stage model based on Elisabeth Kubler Ross' approach to death and dying. Contemporary therapists have adopted it to apply to all form of grief, including breakups and divorce. The stages aren't neat linear ones that we move through and can track our progress, but rather a mish-mosh of elements from each stage that we need to cycle through repeatedly and resolve before we can reach acceptance.

I think you're aware that it makes no sense to apply 'shoulds' to someone who doesn't want a relationship, because we can't negotiate our way into making someone else want what they don't want.

True, he should have been more honest with both himself and you about his fears and limitations. He offered a false sense of security about being able to take on full financial responsibility for the family even while you likely knew that this was not the case. Blending families with children is a dangerous risk when one of the foundational pillars of income is not strong.

I'm glad to hear that you intend to move back to where your support network is strong. Your healing is as important to your child as it is to yourself so that you can lead the way to building a healthy home for the two of you no matter what.

Head high, and write when it helps.

I have not read all the responses yet, but Lavenderdove...just for your posts alone I am so glad I made a thread here. Everything you say is so right and has given me such a helpful perspective for moving through this. Thank you so much.

Just also making a quick response as I got through here. To be clear in terms of finances...I had a great job and relocated to marry my fiance. I gave it up to move to him because he could not leave where he was becaue of his son.

I did not sit on my ass expecting him to support me when I could not get a job...I worked from home for the first three years - because it was the only job I could get - and this contributed to me being very isolated. I decided to start my own business, which (while it added pressure for a while) is now doing well for the exact reason that it would give ME a sense of life. Otherwise I was always home alone with no contact with other humans.

He was supporting both of us for a while, yes, but this was a joint decision for our future. There was mutual sacrifice and added responsibilities when we decided to blend our family. I gave up so many things to fit around him, his child (much younger than mine) his ex wife.

He was terrified of his ex wife. He was terrified of his boss.

He was extremely underpaid and overworked (he could have earned 80% more by moving company) but he was weak and despite me helping him with his resume and printing off great jobs he never did anything about it. It was always an excuse.

When I was starting my business and we knew things would be tight, he refused to stop taking holidays, to move to a smaller house - or really to do ANYTHING to cut back. He was concerned with what "people would think" namely....his ex wife. It was always about her...what would SHE tthink if our boy had to share a bedroom for a while...what would SHE think if we could not afford a holiday.

He even refused to buy our own home (my parent offered us a deposit) because he was still on HER mortgage (even thought she owns three houses, is wealthy and it would have been at worst an inconvenience for her.

It was like the world revolved around her. As an aside she cites him being "bad with money" as one of the main reasons for leaving him.

I feel in hindsight like this whole thing is down to her and his unresolved emotions. She was having an affair for years with one of his friends and he did not only avoid confronting her...he actually BABYSAT so she could go round there. He has never, ever once confronted her or gotten angry. She took everything financially in the divorce (two houses) and he pays maintenance to her despite her being very wealthy and now living with her lover. All he ever did was worry about what she would say / think and if she was ever unhappy she denied him access to his son.

I feel like all the vitriol "pleasing you drove me insane" was actually about HER and not ME but he was so scared of losing access to his child that he directed everything at me instead - the easier target!

Thank you Faraday for the great advice on how to talk to my son about this. You are so right.

I had wnated him to grow up believing things like this don't happen...but the vibe from your message is that change is a part of life. I like that.

I wonder if he is still in love with or loves her.

A year ago I would have said "no way", he shows no reaction. I thought he was more "scared" (especially as she can and has withdraw access to their child). However, now I think maybe anything is possible.

Wow...

No, I think you should be extremely happy you're no longer with him. I think I have seen jello stand up better than he does; you can't fix broken.

Head up, you will find someone special - hopefully you can get back on your career path!! I dare say if you left good contacts at your old job when you left, it may be a good place to start.

I know none of that sounds good. But I suppose I forgave him for being weak because it was part of who he was.

I think his weakness and refusal to tackle issues was part of why I got anxious. If felt like resolving anything would be 100% my responsibility, an I also felt trapped - in the sense that there was solutions to the various problems and financial pressures but I could not actually DO any of them because I was bound by his refusal to change anything.

That all said, I saw these things and loved him anyway for so many different reasons. I know he had a loveless marriage and that between us life was diferrent. All he ever did was smile all the time really and say how lucky he was, how glad he was, but I think in a way he also let the "love feelings" about me make him feel like everything was all right. And that was too much to ask because when I got sick I couldn't make him feel good.

I can see now his personality was unsustainable when put under extreme stress - but our the thing list of things that "had to give" it SHOULD have been something else - not me that he could no longer continue with.

He thinks he is done with his therapy but it was only ever a band aid. He learned the right stuff...that he was a people pleaser, that he needed to stop doing that, but what he should have done was tell his boss / ex / parents to F**k off.

Not me.

So what he did instead was to get rid of the one person who actually love him, the one person who's happiness and needs actually mattered, and get rid of that in order to maintain pleasing the others who didn't matter.

He could not see the difference.

If he no longer feels the relationship is right for him, it actually stunts your healing to say he's wrong. A relationship requires the love and commitment of two and if you two couldn't agree to a more sustainable strategy for finances then I don't see how the relationship could survive even without the break down.

I would try to move towards acceptance.

I agree with Ms. Darcy. You have to accept the situation. All this is just resisting what is. I think I got that from the Power of Now

Once you accept that it has ended and there is really nothing within your power to change that now, then you shall be just fine with time.

Hello All.

I came back to post because this month has been enlightening. My ex Fiance came off his medication (he felt better) and as he did his ability to access emotions / memories etc. returned and all month he has been in a lot of contact.

That's been good and bad. Bad because it has made me feel worse on so many levels and good because he is (definitely not healed) a bit better and more lucid and willing to talk / explain.

He has talked to me for hours and hours on the phone and basically said (a lot of stuff you all suggested might be the case):

1. He understand the reasons for his breakdown and how it built over several years.

- bad communication skills - he could not tell anyone he was not okay.

- he had never grieved his divorce or dealt with the emotions there - it was a hideous divorce and a bad marriage

- he says his previous bad marriage (right out of school that lasted 16 years) taught him bad habit of not talking / not working on things

- he was under enormous external stress and was not managing it

- he felt constantly worried that I would have an affair too, and how this left to him playing the part of the “perfect” partner with exhausted him emotionally

2. He removed blame for his breakdown from me and said he realises it was all of the above, and that he was managing life badly and therefore turning things that could have been dealt with into insurmountable problems.

He said my anxiety condition didn't cause his breakdown, but he said it DID:

-Make him feel I was too frail to be leaned on as a partner.

-Make him feel like I didn't love him anymore and he could not make me happy

He says that he sees that the issues between us could have been resolved and should have been and this it is 100% his fault that he ran away instead of trying, but that he, at the time, felt hopeless and desperate (was very depressed) and saw me and my son (sadly) as burden he could not carry.

He also said that because he felt the need to be a "perfect husband", he had no idea how to BE depressed WITH me and he felt being around me meant faking it. He said what he wanted to do was cry, shout, be mean, be angry, sit in silence and think only of himself and he did not understand that was a possibility we could have given him space to work through his illness as a family.

He says he regrets what he did. He says he sees our relationship was "pretty magical and wonderful". He says he is slowly getting better but has a long way to go and I was glad to hear he is dealing in a practical sense with some of the stressful circumstances that led to him (for example changing job / sorting out debts) because when I was with him he absolutely refused to acknowledge the need for those changes.

He says that at the time the breakdown came he felt angry at everyone and everything and needed to blame someone – so he targeted me. He said it was never my fault, and that he hurt the person he loved the most.

He wants now to continue to get better. To carry on working through it and to get stabilised and make himself into a stronger person with the skills to handle life and for us to become friends, to be in close contact, for him to speak with my son and apologise / explain and for us to "see where that takes us.". He's very clear he needs a lot more time to get better.

All that is good. All that is healing and positive...BUT...

1. It's clear he is still very depressed. After he visited me he went to get drunk and had a big downer after that and didn't go to work for several days. He find talking about this stuff very hard and painful and draining.

2. Because of the above he decided he is not ready to come off the medication and has gone back on them, which has (unfortunately) returned him to a numb emotional state where he is hard to talk to normally. He says he likes this as he feels confronting these emotions too hard.

3. He did a LOT of blustering about his divorce. He wanted to "kill" the friend of his who ran off with his wife, who "stole his life and child and home" and he says he still loves both me AND her. He said he is consumed with sadness that they are not a family any more and that he finds family events (weddings etc) sad because she is not with them. He also said he is very angry that his ex in-laws are no longer part of his life etc.

Now, point 3 was especially hard for me to hear.

His first marriage was a very sad one. When I found him he was SO miserable and lonely. He was (and still is) quite scared of her, could not talk to her and she was SO mean to him. She treated him like utter crap so I can't UNDERSTAND why he still has feelings. I feel SO heartbroken that as Mrs Darcy suggested he is still hung up on that woman and his "old" family after spending 4 years with me, being engaged to ME and it's so hard to understand.

I asked him who he loved more and he said he loved us both equally, but with her, the family ties and the fact that she had been with him from age 17 for 16 years meant he felt very close to her family and this loss was very hard for him to accept. He did say that if they had not shared a child he would not give her a second thought.

I don't know what I am asking for here, but maybe just some comments. Feeling very low and these explanations have been both good and bad.

Do you feel better after that conversation? Did you have hope of reconciliation?