Let's be honest, do people ever change?

I'm JUST now realizing that my ex has used me for sex and dropped me like a hat for another girl. I'm JUST now realizing, that I have issues emotionally which caused me to react in a such a harsh way (begging, etc.). I am JUST now realizing that I need to work on myself heavily and see I need to change.

Now, will people like him ever change is what I'm thinking...Who who have caused wrong to others, and of course anything along those lines..

Any thoughts?

You shouldn't worry about him changing. He may, if he wishes to, he may not. Concentrate on what you can control - you and your behaviour.

I went through pretty much the exact same thing. And you know what? I went through something like this with the same guy about 3 years ago, got dropped for another girl. It was the worst point in my life back then because it had never happened before and I spent every single day for the next month in tears. He told me when we got back together that he'd never ever let me feel like that again. And yet, here I am, three years later... dropped for another girl in the blink of an eye. So that being said, do people change... no. They don't.

I think they have the potential to but only if they are at least willing to acknowledge they have a problem... and if they're as hard headed as I think your ex might be (like mine is) then no... I have no hope of them changing.

That's not to say that their changing effects us or not... but that's my 2 cents.

I would advise to not worrying about whether others can change. I think it is possible that they may but there is one problem: we have no control over them. I do believe it is possible for me to change though, and that is what I focus on. So I say, don't worry about if THEY can change, focus on changing yourself. I want to make myself happy, that way I'll never need someone else to be part of the equation. My future love will be a complement to me, not a vital ingredient.

For the most part, I don't believe that people change. In some cases they do, but most don't. The reason why you shouldn't be concerned though is that if he has indeed changed AND wants to be with you (or some other woman) and actually wants to settle down, then he will. He will do what he can to make it happen.

That's why you shouldn't concern yourself or wait around for someone to change. If they will, they will, and they will make it known to you.

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People can change their behavior. They can't change their character.

Exactly. And if they don't change who they are deep down, they will just revert back to old behaviours. People can only keep up a facade for so long.

Sure, just as we each can change if we want to, so can anyone else if they want to. The thing is, others do not change according to our calendar--so it makes no sense to take your eyes off your own paper.

Sure, just as we each can change if we want to, so can anyone else if they want to. The thing is, others do not change according to our calendar--so it makes no sense to take your eyes off your own paper.

I guess it's like a movie script..

People can change their behavior. They can't change their character.

They can change both.

They can change both.

I agree with that as well. There are a lot of kids that weren't the same as they were in middle school then they are in high school...

Or maybe I'm missing the point.

I agree with that as well. There are a lot of kids that weren't the same as they were in middle school then they are in high school...

 

Or maybe I'm missing the point.

Well, they changed their behavior. Character is who they are at their core. We are born with most of our personality, as scientists learned after mapping the human genome. If it were possible to significantly change one's character/personality, we could cure sociopaths, psychopaths, etc.

Character can change over time, especially if you are talking middle school kids who grow into high school kids. Actually, I don't feel that's a good comparison, as middle and high school kids are still growing their brains and thus, their personalities. It's not the same if you are talking about an adult changing his/her character. Middle school kids are AWFUL, IMO. Many have sociopathic traits, going by my experience with them. That's because they aren't fully formed in their personalities. I wouldn't trust a middle school kid to do the right thing because their moral centers are usually not all there yet. The vast majority DO change when they get older though.

If you are talking a full adult changing his/her character? Yes it's possible. But it's something that can only happen over time, with the desire to change, usually after having a lot of affirming experiences. You can't just snap your fingers and change.

Well, they changed their behavior. Character is who they are at their core. We are born with most of our personality, as scientists learned after mapping the human genome. If it were possible to significantly change one's character/personality, we could cure sociopaths, psychopaths, etc.

If someone is committed to lasting and permanent change and the catalyst for such is an internal motivator then they can succeed at changing their personality/character.

YES this.

Having just ended a relationship with a good man who would like to be different, I can attest to this; more importantly, having been through significant change myself. It is HARD and ALL ENCOMPASSING. If someone can look fearlessly at themselves, it can work. It takes time. And it feels dangerous, for some reason. If life is going well, change is hard to accomplish without upsetting the apple cart.

CAN people change? Absolutely.

Does it happen very often? I don't think it does.

When we wish for someone to change, three things work against us: (1) It got bad enough that we are wishing for change, and yet even still they remain unchanged, (2) Change takes more time than we have, and (3) If we hang around while the change is happening, we are likely inhibiting change.

I think the disagreement comes from differentiating between behavior and personality. What is a behavior vs. personality trait or disorder? After reading Mapping the Human Genome, I've come to understand (at least as far as science knows today) that much of our personality is genetic. We can't change our genes…yet.

Of course a lot of our personality is genetic but that doesn't mean that people (namely, adults) can't change their character. Especially when people undergo certain experiences and trials in their lives. The brain does change. It is not set in stone. Yes, there's a lot that we are born with but that doesn't mean that we are static.

My mom had 5, knew each of us well, and said we were the same from the day we were born for the rest of our lives.

I am crazy extroverted. I will not become an introvert. I have mannerisms and thought patterns that suddenly made sense when I visited the country of my grandparents' origin, though I am not the slightest bit surrounded by that culture now. Certainly I inherited a vast array of traits, and I see this pattern true with my own two children.

I have changed dramatically though, in terms of clarity of values, ability to handle responsibility... a whole variety of skill sets that lead to different judgment, different decisions, different opportunities, friends and romantic partners.

Those things feel like change to me, even as the "crazy" part of me remains in tact.

This all reminds me of a very serious study about personnality, derived from the Briggs-Myers personnality profiling system (MBTI).

It demonstrated that, with age, people tend to naturally evolve and become the exact opposite (personnality-wise) of what they were when they were young and youg adults.

It holds true for me, for example.

I've been classified an INFP in MBTI some years ago and nowadays, I slowly evolve to a more "ExxJ" type, it's really baffling (for those who know about this, for the others, a small research on Google will help you : MBTI).

So I tend to think that people evolve, yes, in ther personnality type and characteristics. However, what's really important for me are values and those, whether we like it or not, are much stronger and stick much longer in our mind.

Those are the things that stay. The rest evolves.

I've had a pretty strong personality since I was a little girl. Dominant, strong-willed, tendency towards solitude but still work okay with others...yet I'm pretty introverted but maybe not with my very close inner circle. To outside people that I don't know though, I seem more reserved.

Being the oldest child definitely solidified my traits.

I find as I get older, I'm getting more "refined" (I'm much more diplomatic than I used to be) but the core traits are not changing. And in my experience, that has been true for many other people. I don't think I've ever encountered someone who did a 180 from how they were when they were younger to when they were older.

The sole exception being those who have been abused or have undergone a horrific, traumatic event(s).

change happens over time. some people are changing all the time though, especially as they observe their own partners, they change with them. Some changes happen through conscious effort. Other changes happen spontaneously. Nothing is too static. The real question is if one is waiting for somebody to change. That, unfortunately, cannot happen in an instant or in a short duration. And this seems to be the crisis in most breakup situations where one partner is waiting for the other to change. Some want their ex partners to change their minds and take them back. Others who are more cautious seem to want their partners to change so that they can agree to take them back. Some are even willing to change themselves to be with their ex partners. But in all this, what I find is that more often than not, change does not happen instantly in most cases. Which is, however, not to say change does not happen. Life teaches us all lessons. And to really be in a position to know what these lessons are, it takes time and distance.

the short version of what I just wrote is -- step away from a tough situation and let time pass and do not seek to control the other. Keep distance.

We should embrace change, and try to change whenever it is possible.

It takes a strong will or certain events in order to make this change possible but change is also a measure of growth.

Some people refuse to grow, it's certain, or are unable to grow for many reasons and they are the ones I feel some kind of pity for...

"To improve is to change, to be perfect is to change often" - Winston Churchill