Jump to content

Recommended Posts

I have spent a lot of time on this forum these past weeks. I find it comforting to know that there are others out there right now going through this. Thought it was time I add my story. So here goes:

 

It’s been almost three months since my boyfriend broke up with me and I would have expected to be past this type of pain by now. But I still wake up every morning with a literal aching heart and have started every single day by crying at the realisation that he’s gone.

 

When I met this man I had just come out of a ten year on and off relationship with my former ex, a man I actually consider to be one of my best friends, we could just never seem to make it work as a couple. We have a daughter, and enjoy being parents together, even though he has now moved on to a new relationship in which he seems happy.

 

When I met my new ex, the one that has my heart shattered, I felt like I had never had such a strong connection with anyone. He was charming, sensitive, thoughtful and kind. Not to mention incredibly good looking. I couldn’t believe my luck. I fell deeply in love and felt like I had finally come home somehow. And so, it seemed, did he. Early on, he talked of moving in together, but since we both have children, I thought we should take things slowly. We started going out in February 2013, and were crazy for each other all of last year.

 

At the beginning of this year, I had some personal struggles, mainly career issues, but I became stressed and frustrated, probably pretty self absorbed and perhaps quite negative for a few months, while trying to get a handle on things. I always made clear that my feelings for him were solid however, I just needed to get through this difficult time.

 

Around April, I felt that I was ready to seriously commit, and proposed that we should move in together. I also said that I wanted more children, something he had several times said he wanted with me.

 

After this, things changed. In hindsight I can see that he became slightly distant around this time. He started spending time with a colleague of his, a woman he considered a friend. As I have several male friends myself, I really never thought to be jealous of this, I was so confident of what he and I had together.

 

In April, he broke up with me. It came completely out of the blue for me. Just the day before he had told me how much he loved me, and that he wanted to grow old with me. He now said that he had too many personal issues to work with to be in a relationship right now and that he wasn’t feeling good about himself.

 

I was devastated. Couldn’t sleep or eat. Seven days later, he called, asking me to take him back. He said that he had made a mistake and that he wanted to make things work with me. He also said that he wanted us to move in together. I was overjoyed.

 

We were back on. Started to look for houses together. Then, two weeks later, when I was on my way to look at a place for us, he called and said that he couldn’t go through with it. His feelings for me just were not strong enough. This, again, came a day after he told me how much he loved me.

 

This time, I really felt like my whole world fell apart.

 

But. I let him be. Didn’t talk to him for two months. I still harboured hope however, that in time, he would resolve his issues and we would find our way back to each other. I was convinced that our feelings for each other were much too strong for us to not wind up together.

 

After said two months I texted him, just to say I was thinking about him and wished him well. He replied that he was so happy to hear from me and wanted to meet up. I took this as a good sign. I called him to arrange a meeting, and about twenty minutes in to the phone conversation, he drops the bomb. He is with his colleague now and has been since a few weeks after our breakup.

 

I have been through some hardships in my life. But never have I been through anything like this kind of pain. It is all consuming. I can not stop thinking about him. My mind constantly plays scenes over and over again. The way he used to look at me, the way he held me, the way he made me feel. And now – the way he makes her feel.

 

And I can’t stop blaming myself. Wishing I had moved in with him when he first wanted to, wishing I had done and said so many little things differently. Asking myself what she has that i don’t.

 

I understand that these things happen. That his feelings for me changed. But the notion that I still barely can function, while he is happily in love with someone else is almost more than I can take.

 

I am a fairly confident and positive person, independent and successful in my career. Never would have thought that something like this could tear me apart in this way.

 

How long before this level of pain subsides? I am struggling to keep my head up for my daughter’s sake, but I really would just like to disappear.

Link to comment

You just gotta keep moving. Its a damn shame that you got played like that. My ex did pretty much the same thing but we were together for a VERY long time. The morning that she left me she told me that she loved me and everything seemed fine. She did not come home that night and was with this other guy. Never saw it coming.

 

Bottom line is, I can relate. Just keep moving and try to find the little things in life that make you happy or make life easier right now. Ice cream? A jog? A good movie? Swimming? Whatever you can handle that will keep you busy. Not to take your mind off it but just to switch up the pace constantly.

 

Its sucks. It hurts beyond belief. But you know as well as I do that it gets better over time. There is no argument there. just try to keep your chin up and keep moving!

Link to comment

Thanks for reading and thanks for replying. Sounds like you took a really hard hit yourself. How long did it take for you to get over it? Did you keep in touch with her?

 

Really hope this is rock bottom, can not imagine things getting any worse. And move I must.

Link to comment

Right now, playing the coulda, woulda, shoulda game will only make you feel like utter crap. Try to banish these thoughts as much as possible.

 

3 months is not a long time... you're probably still dealing with the fall out of your ten year relationship, and now this pain is being compounded with that. It's very easy to let a break up drag you under. Keep taking things day by day -- it's the only option you have.

 

Unfortunately, there is no set time limit on this. The pain can linger for many, many months. I know we all come here looking for positives and hope and things to make us feel better, but the reality is that this pain can stay with us far longer than we believe it should. All you can do is ride the wave of emotions and hope it ends sooner than later. You'll also have relapses, so be aware of those and deal with them accordingly. You can give yourself loads of time to heal and then discovering some truth of their new life - as you did through your conversation with your ex - can set you back many steps.

 

I wish I had something more positive to say, but this is the grim reality we face post-break up. Right now, try to focus on your daughter and finding one thing each day that makes you feel good -- a hike, a walk, exercising, time with friends, etc.

Link to comment

Before I even got to the part where you said he'd gotten together with this other woman, I thought, he's probably seeing multiple women and not being truthful about it. He could have been dating both of you all along and you just didn't know it. That kind of 'i love you' one day followed by 'i want out' the next is frequently a sign of someone who is having an affair and can't make up their mind and is conflicted about the whole situation.

 

The truth is it is BETTER you found out about his lack of commitment before you moved in and melded your children together and would have to rip them apart again. If he was wililng to start takin up with this other woman while he was with you and then waffle between you for a bit, he wasn't really committed and may well be the type who needs a 'safety valve' of another person, and as soon as it gets too serious he bolts for the next one. And always keeps another woman on the back burner to allow him an exit plan where he doesn't have to be alone after a breakup.

 

So he wasn't your true love. If he was, he wouldn't be blazing off to be with other women when he's still with you. That's a simple and very important truth. He turned out to be NOT the man you thought he was, not as committed, not faithful, not constant. So you are still in love with who you THINK he was, not who he turned out to be.

 

So what do you do? You accept that he wasn't the man you thought he was. And he's the type to bolt rather than stick around, and even more likely the type to cheat. You just didn't realize it and were cold cocked by him bolting to be with the other woman. So you need to REALLY put these fantasies behind you, that he was your perfect guy etc. He APPEARED to be that guy, but turned out to be someone different. So time to really go total no contact with him, block him, don't communicate with him, don't allow him to drop into your life and annouce how wonderfully happy he is to have broken your heart (which he really is if he's so insensitive as to show up and announce this to you).

 

I would lay very good money down that he was cheating with this woman before he left you, and it didn't start a few weeks after he left, but obviously started BEFORE he left and was the reason he left. So he's a cheater, and you're better off without him. Time to recognize that and stop indulging in fantasies that he was your perfect guy. He just wasn't.

 

And DON'T try to be friends with him. Why should you try to be friends with someone who broke your heart (and most likely cheated on you)? Don't relieve his guilt and make it easy for him by staying friends with him. Be true to yourself! As in, this jerk broke my heart on no notice, ran hot and cold and jerked me around, and then ran off with the woman he was cheating with before he left me (either emotionally and/or physically, both equally unforgiveable). This is not someone to try to be friends with, or waste your life pining over because he is not worth it and didn't treat you with respect. Time to kick him fully to the curb and move on!

Link to comment

Guys, thank you so much for posting. It helps.

 

And what you are saying makes sense. It was an illusion. The person I was in love with doesn’t exist. I am just really struggling to accept this. Because the emotions are still so strong. I have genuinely never felt so close to another human being.

 

A big part of what I am feeling is shame. For some reason, when I wake up in the morning I can actually feel myself blushing. It’s like it feels so embarrasing to have put myself out there in this way. Like standing in front of someone, butt naked, being totally honest, because you think that they love you for everything you are, and you think that there is an understanding there on the deepest level. And him seeing all this and then choosing someone else.

 

My friends tell me to be mad at him. They are all raging at him. (Even his family members have contacted me, saying they think he made a mistake, his mother said she had never seen him as happy as when he was with me). But for some reason, I just can’t seem to be mad at him. Just sad that he didn’t choose us.

 

I am trying to put one foot forward. I work a lot. Read a lot. I have found that running is my best therapy. (Oh, the irony of being in the best shape of your life and your ex never seeing it…

 

A lot of my friends have said that it’s ”his loss” in the end. I couldn’t understand what they meant. I am the one in pain and agony, while he is happy with his young, gorgeous (I know, I have met her) girlfriend. But then someone said: It is simple mathematics. He lost someone that loved him unconditionally. You lost someone that didn’t love you at all. therefore – you didn’t lose anything. Hence – his loss.

 

I read somewhere that a broken heart is an open heart. I think that is true. It’s as if there are no filters anymore, every emotion and sensation seems stronger than usual right now. And time moves slower. Does that make sense to anyone?

 

And Destroyed - sorry to hear of your loss. When did it happen?

Link to comment

Getting mad at him -- taking him off the pedestal -- is another step in the healing process. It's when you can finally STOP being on "his side" in anticipation of a hoped-for reconcilliation, and say instead: no way, I wouldn't take that douche back if he BEGGED ME! This is why Anger is one the of the stages of grief... when you can get there, it helps move you towards Acceptance.

 

You'll get there. Three months is still early day. You've probably been through the worst of it, though -- I'd expect you'll start feeling better and better as the weeks go by.

Link to comment

Marlee, I think you're on the right track getting in the best shape of your life. You'll run into him one day. He'll see it.

 

After my ex left me (and after two years of crying every single day), I devised a plan of revenge. At that point, I didn't want him back. I just wanted to make him eat his heart out. I did a pretty amazing job of it, too. Like you, I got in the best shape of my life. Because I did, I had to get a new wardrobe and made sure I looked like a (short) supermodel every time I left the house. Invested in some fantastic accessories. Got my hair cut. Took cello lessons. Volunteered in my community. Threw myself into my job. Went out with friends. Joined some meet-ups. Just embraced my life and concentrated on myself.

 

My life was fabulous…except for my love life. But I wasn't lonely. I was having a blast.

 

Then, I met T, quite by accident. Whip smart, incredibly good looking, romantic (he reads to me in bed), compassionate, and a world famous artist in his field. We've been together nearly three years. And my ex says he thinks about me all the time. Blames me for being in his head. I became the one who got away.

 

Do I feel good about it? Sort of. I wish my ex happiness, but more than anything, I'm happy to be over the torment I felt.

 

I really recommend you do the same. Start living your life out loud.

Link to comment

I am so sorry you are going through this tough time. Being heartbroken SUCKS and there is no fast way to get over it. I wish there was!

 

Time does indeed go slower when you are heart broken. I want time to speed up right now so I can be at acceptance. You will get to anger, it just snuck up on me one day and I was pissed at everything!

 

It seems to be a trend here that the dumper says they love you one day and poof gone the next! I had the same thing happen. I have NO idea why we broke up, so that is the hard part for me, but I am learning that I will never get closure at this point.

 

Hang in there, post here as much as you need to. We all are going through it together.

Link to comment

I love that. We are all going through it together. That actually made my eyes well up. (Although - in fairness, just about everything does these days...) I wish I had posted here earlier. Here I am in London, and somewhere out there in the world, are people wishing me well. Gives me hope for humanity. I will keep posting. And I will do my must best to be there for you all. Thanks again.

 

And AutumnBorn – am going to print out your post and carry it with me. This is the way forward. (I also want a man that reads to me in bed!)

Link to comment

As I said, the mornings are the worst. Every single morning I wake up only to realize he is gone and I am struck by the grief all over again. And it doesn't seem to let up. I get through the days somehow, manage to think about other things for minutes at a time.

 

But the mornings.

 

And I dream about him every night. Last night I dreamt that I met him the street. And he looked at me the way he used to. And he said: "I miss you." Simply and sadly.

 

And then I woke up. I miss him so much that it's unbearable. I just can not grasp that this is happening. Read somewhere that the only thing worse than never having your dream come true is having it come true for a while and then be taken away. I feel that I had something beautiful and it was taken from me and I just wish it never happened.

 

When do the dreams stop? I realize it's my brain processing what happened, but it seems like since I think about him so much while awake, at least my subconscious could leave me alone...

Link to comment

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through Marlee. I too was having the dreams of my ex too, then I contacted him and well they all stopped! I wish time would hurry for us all so we can heal and get on with our lives. PS: sending you warm hugs from the land down under

Link to comment

Hey Flyer. Thanks for the hugs. Yeah, I wish I could just crawl under a rock and come back out in six months or so.

 

Out of curiosity - what did you say to your ex when you contacted him? Why do you think your dreams about him stopped then?

Link to comment

I had been thinking about contacting him all day. I went to gym class and forgot my phone and I got home and there was a text from him.

 

I basically just poured my heart out about my feelings and he apologised and said it was never his intent for this to happen for him to hurt me (I know he didn't intend on things working out like they did), and that he still feels the same (ie doesn't feel he loves me as he should at this stage of the relationship) For some reason that gave me some closure at that point. And then the dreams have stopped.

Link to comment

This was just recently, right? I hope you continue to feel that sense of closure and that you can keep moving forward. Everyone says there will be good days and bad days. (For me, just bad days and somewhat less bad days at the moment...)

 

But it's interesting that you stopped dreaming about him when you felt that you got closure. Has anyone else experienced that? I am almost afraid to go to sleep these days, as I am scared of all the dreams about him.

Link to comment

Hi Marlee. I'm glad you found this forum. It helped me a lot during my biggest bu. I relate to everything you describe. I even turned to running running running and got so slim. I loved that but it was a hard time otherwise. I could not stop crying, I could not sleep, I could not eat, and I had anxiety attacks for the first time in my life. It was AWFUL. And time DID seem to drag. Unfortunately, my ex did not allow me to heal. He kept coming back and played me like a yo yo over the course of a year and a half after he initially dumped me. And I stupidly allowed it. Hind sight is 20/20. NOW I look back and think: Wow! Boy, was I under some sort of spell? I read my posts from that time and feel embarrassed but very relieved that I don't feel like that anymore.

I wish I could fast forward this time for you, Marlee. I really do. Hang in there. Keep up the running. Take care of your health. Hopefully, you don't allow him to suck you in again. The only thing that angers me about my ordeal was I allowed my ex to suck me in again and again after the initial bu. Be aware. Be smart. Be strong.

Keep us updated regarding your progress.

 

*hugs*

Shal

Link to comment

You need to get angry. It is such an important stage before moving on. I pinned over an ex for give years until I woke up one day and saw his poor behaviour for what it was. I got sooooo upset sent him a bunch of messages. Then and only then was I free of him. He is not as magnificent as he appears right now but you need time to see that. Hang in there

 

 

A luta continua

Link to comment

Yeah was only Thursday week ago we broke up Marlee. Yes am having good days and bad days, I feel like I need more closure from him though. Perhaps in time that will come. Right now we both just have to find a way to get on with life. I have never taken a break up so hard. I had been in an on again off again relationship for 7 years that ended a few years back and I knew that he wasn't a good person in the end. But this one, I know is a good person.

Link to comment

I understand the pain you are in. Those first few weeks were nightmarish. I couldn't sleep or eat at all. So I guess I have come some way since then at least. How did the break up happen? Did he just up and leave? Were you living together?

 

I also had a long term on and off relationship before this one. And was initially scared that I would wind up in the same kind of on-off situation again with this new guy when he first broke it off. So I guess it's a blessing of some sorts that he left me for someone else. It has had me questioning my own actions however and has made me realise that I have an extremely difficult time letting people go. I get too attached, I think. But I also believe that my (latest) ex is a good person at heart. That's what makes this all so difficult. Thinking of the "Sliding doors" situation, wondering what could have been if only... Ugh! I am so sick of my own thoughts at this stage. Trying desperately to put things in perspective and accept that it just wasn't meant to be.

Link to comment

No we wern't living together. I had hardly seen him the weeks leading up to it either, so there was one red flag. But he would call me each day and text when he could, so I don't get why he was putting in that extra effort leading up to it. Anyway he basically told me he doesn't love me. He had told me a couple of months ago he did love me, so why the change of heart, I don't know. But the fact that he is going through his divorce, his finances are stretched, he has a son and a demanding job are probably varying reasons. I was wary going into the relationship with him, but he treated me so well in the beginning, like no other. I guess I fell harder than I thought I would.

Link to comment

It sounds like he had a lot on his plate right now, perhaps the timing was just off.

 

I have had break ups like that. When you're so overwhelmed with mixed emotions, it's hard to just leave or kick someone out.

 

I was having an okay today, but then all of a sudden the images of my ex and his new girlfriend started popping back up again. I know they are going on holiday together this week. (he told me when we spoke on the phone last). It is just beyond painful, as we were planning on spending this week together abroad.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...