Clingy and suffocating girlfriend

Hi everyone,

I've been in a relationship with her for 9 months now. Those 9 months have been full with ups and downs, but mostly filled up with good times. I must say that this is the first time that I really try to work on my relationship, to improve it and to find solutions to any conflicts. Our strength as a couple is our communications as we never leave an argument unsettled. We still have a lot to learn tough.

I wanted to talk about something that's bugging me for quiet a few weeks now. We've always been very close since the start. I think there never was a single day where we didn't message each other. We don't send full letters to each other but sometimes just a very small message like "sleep tight x". However, this starts to feel like an automatism to me. I've come to the point where I send some of the messages not for myself, but just so she would feel great. I know what she wants to hear. To me, sending this messages doesn't serve a purpose anymore. It's not even an expression of love anymore.

Of course, She doesn't feel this way and to her, it's a good way to show you care. I responded by saying that you can care allot about someone in much different ways.

She used to be jobless and this was putting allot of pressure on us. I was thinking about my work and projects while all she had in mind was me. THANKS God she found a job and things are going better. We see each other 2 days every week and it's fine like that for now. I even want to see her more often sometimes. But she keeps calling me allot and as to be expected, we don't have allot to tell each other anymore. Every conversation becomes a repetition of the previous one. I brought up the issue and she always feels a bit angry or dissapointed. As in: I don't love her as much as she does love me.

And she is completely right ! I don't love her as much because the amount of love she has for me is not sane. It becomes more of an obsession rather then love. Or that's at least the way I feel about it because she doesn't think she's obsessed with me. It's just that I have this terrible feeling that everything in her life is about me. Me, me, me. She doesn't seem to have allot of other plans besides having a life with me. I don't see relationships like that. She's just a part of my life, but she's not my life. I have other friends, interests, occupations that don't involve her.

I her defense, I must say that she does HUGE efforts in order to change. She got a job, she's ok with seeing each other less, she leaves me more space when I ask her to do so. She really does her best. But somehow, I can't help but think that she does all this to *please* me. I wish she would just do this because it was her deepest conviction, because it is the right way to handle. I wish she wouldn't have to feel bad about this and that she could try to be as sane as I am.

The way I see things right now, is that there is a positive evolution. But what is the key for her to become less suffocating ? More communication ? More distance ?

Right now, she said she'll send less messages but she just wants a good night sms every night. The only thing she asked. Can't help but feel annoyed by this. But if that's the compromise that has to be made ....

Any thoughts on this ?

Personally, I think that the hardest part about 'clingy' is that once you feel it, it's a little hard to shake. Even when the behaviour has been brought back into your comfort-zone range.

Of course, I think this is unreasonable:

She really does her best. But somehow, I can't help but think that she does all this to *please* me. I wish she would just do this because it was her deepest conviction, because it is the right way to handle. I wish she wouldn't have to feel bad about this and that she could try to be as sane as I am.

You asked for something... she is giving it to you... but you want her to WANT the same thing as you?

I don't think that you will find the perfect person. Most people will either be a little more aloof than you would like or a little more clingy than what you would like. But - it sounds like she is being reasonable and listening to you. You are finding compromises. You send one text at night to make her still feel loved and "in touch". In turn, she backs off a bit.

Personally, I would keep going with things as the "new normal" for a while and see where that leads. It's possible that she will get a bit clingy again and this will cause more strife. Maybe she is not a good match. But... if you are generally happy and this is the only issue... and she is genuinely working on it... it sounds like you have a good thing going.

I would see it through for a bit.

I think you are just not into her anymore, and I think she needs to have someone whom enjoys her and appreciates what she has to offer and that is her love, because I feel you finding her messages annoying extremely telling in what path you are on, and it is definitely not the same as her.

The bottom line is I don't think you are the one for her and vice versa. As it seems you are wanting to go backwards in regards to wanting distance to get her to not become suffocating, like for real ?? Let her find a man that would crave her love.

The fact you say she is not sane because of the different ways she expresses her love,and the fact you can't be bothered to send a caring sleep tight text, really you sound uncaring and she deserves someone who is not annoyed at hearing from her. When someone has found the right girl or guy they can be themselves and won't find her suffocating because they will both be on the same page and path.

I agree that texting and calling everyday might get a bit much if you have not much to say. Could that be the problem? That you are running out of things to say and perhaps have less in common than you thought initially.

I don't think she sounds clingy, she backed off when you asked. I think RedDress is spot on in that most people will be a bit more aloof or more clingy than you, I have found the same thing myself. I find the clinginess actually start to bother me only when I start to grow apart with the person.

I can understand how you feel it suffocating that her world seems to revolve around you while you have other things going on in your life. It can be suffocating when they want to see you and talk to you more than you want to see and talk them. You could suggest some activities or interests she could take up, but at the end of the day you can't change her if that's who she is, and you'll have to just accept her as she is or leave her. Again, I myself didn't find the suffocating behaviour suffocating until (and I didn't realise this at the time) we started growing apart and I actually wanted to see him less.

The last time I dated anyone, phone text and social media didn't exist. I'm quite pleased about that and would hate the idea of having to learn what to do/what not to do with it if I was dating. OK, that's the narcissistic bit out of the way!

My wife and I are both clingy but I would suggest that we're not extremely so. OK there's times when one of us might find the other suffocating or alternatively feel we're not getting enough attention. The good thing is that we're on the same page. By contrast my daughter and her boyfirend are very indpeendent and that works too.

I'm not totally convinced that your girlfriend is being obsessive. It could be that she tends to centre herself on her latest bloke. That's no bad thing in itself but of she is doing it to constantly seek re-assurance then it is an issue that she needs to sort out. Looking at your age, I would suggest that you take a long honest look at you and her. Do you think there is any possibility that if you moved to the next level or at least started taking steps towards it that she would feel more re-assured? If so, it will probably not be an issue. However, I'm inclined to think that she is seeing marriage and children as one of her life's goals. Again, that is not a bad thing in itself but it might not be what you want now or in the foreseeable future.

I'm concerned not that she is "too clingy" but you are clearly not on the same page. Whilst "dumping her" would upset her very badly, I would suggest that if you do not have any intention of staying with her long term, it would be kinder to set her free to find someone else who might.

Good luck.

Once you perceive someone else as clingy and not sane, it is very hard to change your perception of the person. See all that she has done to compromise based on your needs. But ultimately you want someone with a different mindset and that's just not her.

I think you are the kind of guy who would go bonkers over a pretty lady who is not that into you, providing a bit of challenge.

You need to ask yourself if you can see yourself marrying this girl in the long run. If not then best to let her go.

Those are some strange conclusions you make here. I think you have misunderstood what I said.

Let's make it clear. I absolutely love my girlfriend and I care about her. In fact, the reason why I post here and why I have all those conversations with her about this is because I care about us being together. So you shouldn't try to second-guess that, or put my intentions towards her in question. It is as I say. I'm trying to find a solution to a problem.

I'm really happy with all the love and attention she has to offer. This is just one aspect of it I don't like. It annoys me because I feel the daily messages and phone-calls are losing their value. It annoys me because I get the feeling that she can't live without me for more then two days. It annoys me because I don't want to be her single goal in life, just a part of it that makes it all better.

Does this mean that there is no love ? Does this mean that we're growing apart ? Hell no ! I don't have this feeling at all. I just want to avoid future problems that might result from her attitude. Too much love kills the love. We all know that. Eventually, the honeymoon phase vanishes away. Is that bad thing ? I think not, that's how thing goes and we make the best out of it.

Eventually, I think that expressions of love and affection can be less "in the face". It can be more subtle, more romantic. I don't feel the need to tell her on a daily basis how much I miss her and how much I love her. I can show that in other ways. Lot's of people think that is the most important thing but if think about it, people can tell you any kind of bs they want. What counts in the end, are, one's actions and to a lesser extend, their words.

I think I'm just annoyed by hearing every day what I already know. It makes everything less exiting

Once you perceive someone else as clingy and not sane, it is very hard to change your perception of the person. See all that she has done to compromise based on your needs. But ultimately you want someone with a different mindset and that's just not her.

I did not say that she's not a sane person. I said that her *attitude* is not sane. It's not sane because I think it's the basis for a negative way to approach a relationship. Because I believe that people should not only live for their partner but also for themselves. I want my gf to be able to live without me, to live more for herself. I think she'll only hurt herself if I become the central point of her universe. There is so much more to life then just me. I want her to understand that. This can be changed. She just has to understand that.

I used to be like her. I know what it eventually does with you. I don't want her to be like that.

I think you are the kind of guy who would go bonkers over a pretty lady who is not that into you, providing a bit of challenge.

Not at all. I don't like to play games, not do I see relationships as challenges. I wouldn't waste my time over some lady that doesn't want me. I know what I'm worth.

You need to ask yourself if you can see yourself marrying this girl in the long run. If not then best to let her go.

In the long run, I don't see myself with another person. We have plans to live together in September. We talk allot about kids.

Funny how having issues with certain aspects of someone's personality automatically implies a possible breakup to certain people. There seems to be less and less will to work on a relationship nowadays.

Don't take this personally, it's just that I know what I want to achieve with my girlfriend. So I don't need any suggestions on breakup I'm just looking for an efficient way to communicate with her on this subject.

You are right, maybe I'm being to harsh. It's just that when something annoys me, I really have to tell her about it otherwise it silently grows into greater frustration.

She does allot of effort and I will tell her that again this evening. Maybe I should do more effort to recognize her effort Maybe I'm just blowing this out of proportion. I just don't like calling every day because I simply don't have something to tell her every single day. It also feels like stuffing myself with the same kind of food every day over and over again. You finally get an indigestion.

Some people will tell me that I'm just not "intense" enough for her but that's bs. Some people aren't intense in that way ( it's only the superficial part of love anyway ) but can still be more caring. In the long run, this kind of intense love expression tends to wear off. Very intense relationships don't last very long, because once the intensity wears off with time, the lovers will be left disappointing and will seek the intensity elsewhere.

I'm mostly doing this for her. Like I said, people who make their relationship the central point of the universe tend to finish sad, dissapointed and very dependent on the other partner. I know what this does to you, I don't want her to be like that.

The last time I dated anyone, phone text and social media didn't exist. .

Lucky you. I think social media and more omnipresent communication made people less trustful and more insecure.

You said that "she doesn't seem to have a lot of other plans other than having a life with me".

If her world revolves around you, that's a problem. I don't think it's particularly healthy on her part (one NEEDS to have interests/goals/a life outside of a relationship) but I'm of the opinion that clingy, partner-centric people should be with other clingy, partner-centric people.

And you know what, it doesn't really matter if she is actually clingy or not. You feel suffocated. And that's really all that matters here. It's in your thread title. I don't feel it's my or anyone else's place to tell you whether she's actually being clingy or not...go with what you FEEL. Because it's so subjective! Some people think talking everyday is clingy, others don't. The point is, you feel suffocated, and she feels like you don't fully reciprocate her feelings. I'm thinking you two are just incompatible.

Also, here's the thing with social media: insecure people will be insecure with it. Social media doesn't make secure people insecure. It's a tool. It's all about how you use it.

Funny how having issues with certain aspects of someone's personality automatically implies a possible breakup to certain people. There seems to be less and less will to work on a relationship nowadays.

 

Don't take this personally, it's just that I know what I want to achieve with my girlfriend. So I don't need any suggestions on breakup I'm just looking for an efficient way to communicate with her on this subject.

I admire you for wanting to work on the relationship and I take my hat off to you. Your answers to other posts have established one thing: you ARE going to make a long-term commitment to her by moving in together. In that way you can forget anything I said about setting her free to find someone else long term.

However, I DO have some concerns:

1. Given the reassurance that you do have longer term plans with her, I would have expected her not to cling so much, as she should be feeling more secure

2. Where a married (or co-habiting) couple are on different pages, regarding clinginess and independence, it can cause huge problems. I know this from personal experience

3. I'd be very wary of entering a long-term commitment with anyone if the relationship needs a lot of work. This doesn't mean I'm fickle or I'm not prepared to work on a relationship BUT if there's a lot of work that is needed at the start, it will only get worse as you grow older and the longer you stay together. Unfortunately, people change. In 20 years time neither you nor your girlfriend will be the same any more. Even if you are, the world around you will change and new challenges and problems will rear their ugly heads. Some are predictable like dealing with the loss of a parent or parent-in-law but other issues (like major illnesses or redundancy) will jump out from behind a wall and hit you. I'ev known a few people who have married thinking "I'll change him or her". You won't. Trust me on this

Good luck and hope you make the right choices.

If you don't want to talk to her daily and can compare that to indigestion, I do not think you should move in with her. You'll be seeing her every morning and every night, and talking to her for much of that time.

If you don't want to talk to her daily and can compare that to indigestion, I do not think you should move in with her. You'll be seeing her every morning and every night, and talking to her for much of that time.

Yes, this. Even couples who can't get enough of each other can get sick of each other when first moving in. You are already feeling suffocated - moving in will NOT help.

People show love differently, some are more independent than others and don't need constant communication, while others need lots of it or they feel unloved.

At the very least, you two have completely different styles when it comes to relationships. Seeing your partner twice a week and a bit of texting every day is hardly clingy to me, and you would prefer even less contact than this! Well, any less contact and what you have is a dating situation, not a relationship between two people who are planning to move in together soon. Besides, if you think you're having too much contact now, how are you going to feel when you live together? If I were you I would not take that step, you are far from being ready to live with her.

I think you are just trying to avoid admitting even to yourself that she is not "the one". You want to believe that what you're dealing with is a problem within her, if only she was less clingy, if only she wanted less contact, things would be awesome. But if after 9 months of being together you are complaining of her being clingy, suffocating, and wanting to see you at least twice a week and to text daily (which is the norm for most relationships), the issue you're dealing with goes beyond her being needy. When you're with the person you love, you want more contact, not less. She would never annoy you, and you would find her little quirks endearing. It's true, she should definitely have a life outside of you, and if she sees you as her only source of happiness that puts indeed lots of pressure on you. But this is who she is, this is how she expresses her love. She doesn't need a ton of friends, she doesn't feel inclined to take on a hobby, all she wants is more time with her boyfriend - some women are like that. You can't change her. Yes she may try to hold back and pretend to be ok with less of everything, just to make you happy, but it doesn't mean she's happy or that this is what she wants. So it's up to you to decide if you are 100% sure you can live with someone like her, or if you'd be better off letting her go and meeting a woman who is more independent and who has the same relationship style as you.

I'm not trying to tell you to break up with her; all I want you to take from what I'm saying is that you have to decide if you'd be happy living with her as is, and to understand that you cannot truly change her. You either accept her the way she is and go on doing things you don't really want to do (i.e. the nightly texting) just to reassure her and keep her happy, and don't complain about it, or you let her go so she can meet a guy who would not even dream of going to sleep without saying good night.

this can be a major problem in relationships. You only see her two days a week, and already she is annoying you with what you perceive as 'clinginess'.

People have to be compatible on multiple levels for a relationship to work. And the concept of intimacy vs. distance can cause a lot of problems if one person is a dependent personality type and the other is independent and likes to do their own thing and have multiple interests.

There are some women where all they dream about is having a home and family and having their world revolve around their spouse and children. They don't particularly want to work (other to to earn some money to furnish or buy a house or something for the family) and are not career oriented. They see it as noble and appropriate to focus only on their husband and kids and home.

so if you're an independent guy, and she is only working to please you, and tries to revolve her whole life around you, while you are the type to have other fish to fry beside her and resent going thru the motions of constantly stroking her and paying attention to her or spending time with her in order for her to feel good, so there could be a chance you have a deep incompatibility there.

I have a friend who was going thru a hard time in his life due to a bitter divorce and custody fight, who met and dated a woman who was an elementary school teacher and very home and family oriented and had a couple kids from a prior marriage. While he was in this tough time, her attention and nurturing felt welcome to him because she was a warm counterpoint to his witchy ex-wife whom he was fighting in court. But he was an exceedingly independent person by nature, gregarious, needed lots of people and things to do etc. and was always on the go. I remember seeing them together and warning him that he might find her comforting now, but I thought once he was past this tough time, she might not be a good match for him because of their personalities and focus.

But I learned very soon after that it was 'too late', as in she got pregnant 'accidentally on purpose and he felt obligated to marry her. But as predicted, where before he married her he said he was doing it because she was 'self sacrificing and takes good care of me', within 6 months of the marriage he was absolutely miserable and saying the problem was she was 'dependent and irresponsible' because she was expecting him to fall into the role of being the center of her world with her constantly demanding his presence and expecting him to be joined at the hip to her and not wanting to do anything unless he was involved with her. That marriage ultimately ended in another divorce because he felt absolutely suffocated by her once he had recovered from his initial bad situation and what he perceived as her being self sacrificing was really her focusing all her attention on him in order to get him to focus all his attention on her.

So you have to be very careful that your personalities mesh here, and also be very careful with birth control (bring your own condoms) because dependent/clingy women can force a 'surprise' pregnancy in order to set up the situation they want, which is you yoked to them and the family and homelife that they want rather than having a career/life of their own outside the home/family environment. So as 'sweet' as she may seem, she may try to force your hand with a baby if she thinks you are getting away or are not paying enough attention to her.

So I think the answer here is to try to spend MORE time with her to see if you find her more and more annoying or not. and if you find her focus on you annoying or start to get bored with all the time you spend with her, you probably shouldn't marry her because this job of hers may only last long enough for her to get pregnant and tie you down (or try to) to get the life she wants where your world revolves around her because you are forced into that role because she is pregnant with your child.

And you should have more talks with her about how you are an independent person, and this is not a case of who loves whom the most, but a case of differing perspectives of independence/autonomy vs. how much couples time and interaction between you as a couple is necessary for each of you to be happy. And you need to have more discussions about her expectations here in terms of a life together. As in, does she want to have no career and quit her job and raise babies at home? will she expect you to earn all the money? will she object if you go out and do other things without her a few times a week (or as often as you feel you will probably want to do)? Will she be able to tolerate the amount of 'space' and independence you will need to be happy?

btw, don't assume her 'intensity' will wear off if she is a dependent person whose goals are to have a marriage and family and no career. Her world WILL revolve around you and the home. Some people just prefer a life where they play second fiddle to someone else rather than being the center of their own worlds. That can be very smothering for someone who is independent. And she might find a traditional guy who is perfectly willing to make most of the decisions and support her while she doesn't work as long as she is a good cook, housekeeper, mother and caretaker. You just may not be that guy.

So rather than operating from the perspective that 'I love her and will hammer this square peg into a round hole no matter what', you need to really stop and analyze this conflict in light of the differences in your personalities and approach to the world, and whether or not that gap is too great to be bridged or not. And you need to spend MORE time with her to determine whether you only love her when you have a situation that sets up enough independence to let you be comfortable (i.e., not living together, not married, only seeing each other a couple times a week), when eventually this will have to proceed to a live-in relationship/marriage when her attention on you might drive you bonkers if it is 24x7 and the only escape you have is work. So you need to keep an open mind and investigate this more before deciding which way to go.

And do NOT see her as a fixer upper project where you will get her to stop revolving around you. Sadly, that is a personality characteristic to be dependent vs. independent, and her personality is not going to change just because you want it to.

No matter how you slice it, you sound like you want to change her. That's a pretty pointless proposition to me. As Greta said, you can't change her.