Mother-in-laws and loyalty to their children

So - this happened a long time ago, but it still kind of bugs me to this day. I don't have a ton of experience dealing w/the mothers of my partners for various reasons (one long-time ex was not on speaking terms with his mother, one's mother had passed away, etc) and I'm wondering... was this normal?

Many years ago, I was shopping at the mall with my BF at the time and his mother. I think it was around Xmas. Now, this BF was in the process of a very nasty custody battle with his ex, so, at my own insistance, we were keeping our relationship a little quiet as far as his ex and kids were concerned. I had met everyone else in his life... I just didn't want to be the cause of MORE disagreements with his ex. Not until custody was settled.

When we went to walk by one particular store my ex piped up (out of nowhere) and told me how he really, really did not want to go into this one particular store. This was fine - I had no intention of going into that store and didn't think anything of it - but then he went on and on to explain how the manager who works there knows his ex, and how she is a gossip, and how she would stir trouble, etc. Now... in my own life and experience, I find that when people tend to give you great big stories out of nowhere - an over-explanation when you weren't even caring about it in the first place - there is usually more to the story. I was just about to say something about it and inquire further when his mother jumped in and said "Oh yes, she is a gossip". Fine, I thought. She has no reason to lie, right?

Well, shortly after we broke up, I came to find out that he was pursuing this girl from that store pretty heavily. I am now confident that his mother was 'covering' for him in that moment... and actually... I feel a little betrayed by her. I thought we got along famously.

I have a couple more examples, but I do know that she 'covered' for him a couple of times and backed up his not-so-true stories.

In retrospect, I do remember her saying to me once (about his ex's mother) that "Mothers are always loyal. They will always have their child's back even when the child is wrong. A mother will always defend their child." I remember saying "Really?? Because when I am wrong, my parents are usually the first people to point it out and they will let me flap in the wind until I correct my behaviour. THEN they will say "I told you so" while giving me a hug and helping me to pick up the pieces".

There is NO way that my parents would have 'covered' for me if I was crushing on some other guy while in a relationship. Quite the opposite, actually. They would throw me right under the bus and tell my bf about alllll the time I was talking to that guy and how we appeared to be "close" or whatever. I guess my parents' philosophy is - if I don't like the truth coming out - I only have myself to be mad at. They wouldn't 'cover' or lie for me in any way. No way, no how.

So, I guess my question is - while every mother-in-law will be different - what is the lesson I should take from this? In your experience, are more mothers like his and I should take their words with a grain of salt? Or do you generally trust mothers until given a reason not to otherwise?

Not everyone is like this. Yes, family comes first for the vast majority of people but no, not everyone is going to condone immoral and harmful behaviour. I think it's pretty sick actually that her idea of "family" is so strong that she's happy to cover for him and stand by while he cheated on you and potentially exposed you to diseases. Disgusting. I would even say, I don't think people like this actually care about their family members. They have such blind loyalty that they let their relatives do bad things and hurt others. If you really loved someone, you'd stand up for what's right and push them to be better people, not smile and standby as they bulldoze over others.

In the future, I would just be aware that SOME people are like this. And you should take everyone's words with a grain of salt from the beginning until you know their character. You really shouldn't trust anyone off he bat. Trust needs to be earned.

Yeah... to be fair, I don't think he was cheating - I think he was just holding a flame for her (and she knew it).

Actually, I'm fairly certain that the girl rejected him (because she knew his ex and there was general drama). She started dating someone else shortly afterwards instead. But... I know he tried.

But I agree. I found that definition of the roles of family a little disturbing.

It is disturbing, cheating or not.

Trust me, not everyone is like that. I know my parents wouldn't stand by that at all and would chew into me because they expect better of me and want me to be a good person. Your ex's mother cared more about "blood is thicker than water" nonsense than she cared about her son being a decent human.

In that particular scenario, what should she have done? Ratted him out? What an awkward position to be in. Myself, I would have not said a word and then privately told my son to get it together.

I think it's a lot to expect someone to get involved in that way. However, condoning it is another story and that's disturbing. I don't like that mentality, that someone's baby can do no wrong. However, you don't have to publicly chew out your adult child either to take a stand for something.

In my experiences, I'd say I've had about half/half. I had one ex's mother, I didn't even know if she liked him after awhile because she would tell me EVERYTHING. In response to a compliment about her son, it would be, "Well, that is true at times BUT..." Just a bit weird, lol.

In that particular scenario, what should she have done? Ratted him out? What an awkward position to be in. Myself, I would have not said a word and then privately told my son to get it together.

Yeah... I didn't really expect her to rat him out or anything. I more would have expected what you would have done. Just keep quiet and keep out of it. Have a sudden need to shop in a store or something. lol! Let me have my valid concerns.

... but, it was more like she saw that quizzical look on my face, saw that I had doubts about what he was saying and went out of her way to quelch them. I guess I just figured that if she went out of her way to make that explanation (without being asked)... yanno... it probably had merit. But... I guess that was wrong!

I know that I can be too trusting at times... and I'm kind of braced for it... but from mom? lol! That one threw me for a loop.

Cheetarah - yes, I guess it was good that she liked him at least! lol!

I wouldn't have expected her to rat him out in front of you but to purposefully cover for him? That's disgusting.

I think it's different when it's a mother in law as opposed to your boyfriend's mother. When there are legal ties -and especially when there are grandchildren involved, you might experiences some distinctions in general. Having said that I don't think this has anything to do with a mother's loyalty to her children and simply more to do with this particular person's parenting style. Maybe she always did that when he was a child and never stopped. Reminds me of a 4-year old who threw his shoe at me the other day and was harassing my son and the parent said "let him be 4. He just dropped the shoe". Same thing. Most parents I've encountered wouldn't hesitate to make the child apologize.

Also since this was a boyfriend not a spouse his mother might not have considered that you two were exclusive -some people distinguish between marriage and dating/bf/gf when it comes to dating or pursuing others.

I agree with Fudgie about the balance that this person should have struck.

Maybe she always did that when he was a child and never stopped. Reminds me of a 4-year old who threw his shoe at me the other day and was harassing my son and the parent said "let him be 4. He just dropped the shoe". Same thing. Most parents I've encountered wouldn't hesitate to make the child apologize.

I think that explanation is pretty bang-on.

Thanks. This thread is making me feel better.

Also since this was a boyfriend not a spouse his mother might not have considered that you two were exclusive -some people distinguish between marriage and dating/bf/gf when it comes to dating or pursuing others.

That's actually true of my mom. She considers engagement to be commitment. She thinks it's not a biggie if I or a partner see other people prior to that.

Batya makes a good point. I don't agree with the mindset "anything before marriage is not really committed" but there ARE people out there who feel that infidelity prior to marriage isn't a big deal. I've even come accross men who feel that way in terms of women. "Well, she has a boyfriend but she isn't married/engaged, so she's fair game". I don't agree, because how is anyone going to get to marriage when they keep cheating on each other all the time, but some people do seem to have that viewpoint.

Also since this was a boyfriend not a spouse his mother might not have considered that you two were exclusive -some people distinguish between marriage and dating/bf/gf when it comes to dating or pursuing others.

That's actually true of my mom. She considers engagement to be commitment. She thinks it's not a biggie if I or a partner see other people prior to that.

Wow - that's pretty shocking to me. Do you think that's a generational thing? Or just a thing in general?

I don't think we ever talked about stuff like this (so I wouldn't know her viewpoint). But... I mean... she knew we were fairly serious - talking all the time, making long-term plans, staying at each other's homes, etc.

It's not infidelity to them if they don't view it as commitment.

I'm not sure if it's generational or just a thing. I have to say I do tend to hear that more from people around her age(60s) than I do people my age.

My mother always tells me when I'm wrong hahaha. And she has done so in front of my husband's face. She wouldn't do it in front of somebody who is not a family member though. She would talk to me privately afterwards.

And it would depend on what my son was wrong about. Some things I would say in front of a girlfriend and some things I wouldn't. But if I felt he was wrong I would definitely talk to him about it later.

So, I guess my question is - while every mother-in-law will be different - what is the lesson I should take from this? In your experience, are more mothers like his and I should take their words with a grain of salt? Or do you generally trust mothers until given a reason not to otherwise?

I would say don't read anything into his mother's comment "Oh yes, she is a gossip". In fact, I would not look for drama with mothers of partners, or mother-in-laws. It's a classic set up for a relationship of conflict, but I'd look instead at the fact that you both care for the same person, and thus must have some traits and values in common, and focus there. As far as red flags go, pay attention to your partner and your gut. And assume that with family members, family comes first. What is expressed between them in public is not always what is expressed between them in private. My parents were somewhat like yours, would not gloss over or hide things, but would give me The Look rather than say anything outright, although I would not gossip with them over who I have a crush over.

Now ,my mother-in-law if my husband murdered somebody in front of her face she would say he didn't. She's loyal to the death to her children whether they are 100% wrong or hundred percent right. Her children can do no wrong, ever. A bit annoying I must say.

Did his mother refer to you as her daughter in-law?

Well, you're assuming she covered up for him. The woman in the store could very well be a giant gossip queen, and that's all she knew. I really doubt that guy and his mom were swapping lust stories!

My MIL, I haven't spoken to her since 09/2011. And my hubby didn't speak to her for a long while as well. Lately, she's been acting much more sane, and collected, so they've begun speaking again. Keep in mind, she spent close to two years, emailing him, texting him, calling everyone, relatives, stalking me at my office and our home, leaving 4 minute long messages about how he was a piece of sh**, and that we were in a cult, and I brainwashed him. Yeah. So, not always. Some moms are awesome. Some moms are lame!

Oh, and my mom whines about my two brothers all the time!

Did his mother refer to you as her daughter in-law?

No, and I would never have referred to her as my mother-in-law in real life either. I used the term in this post for simplicity.

I really doubt that guy and his mom were swapping lust stories!

Yeah... they were disturbingly close, though... although, that's a whole other thread. lol! He told her LOTS of stuff I would never EVER tell my mother. And... you don't really have to talk to your parents about "lust". You can just talk too much about a person in general or gush when talking about them for your parents to know that... yanno... you might be smitten.

No, and I would never have referred to her as my mother-in-law in real life either. I used the term in this post for simplicity.

 

 

 

Yeah... they were disturbingly close, though... although, that's a whole other thread. lol! He told her LOTS of stuff I would never EVER tell my mother. And... you don't really have to talk to your parents about "lust". You can just talk too much about a person in general or gush when talking about them for your parents to know that... yanno... you might be smitten.

I don't find it the least bit simple to refer to a boyfriend's parent as an "in-law" - at least to me it comes accross that you had elevated expectations of your role in your boyfriend's parents' life. I get that "boyfriend's mother" is more of a mouthful but since you were posting about your expectations about her behavior towards you that is the impression it gave.

It sounds like in that particular situation you were dating a person with an unhealthy attachment to his mother.

The lesson you should take away from this is that there is always his story, her story and the truth...and sometimes, meeting that other person turns out to be a great revelation in and of itself...