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Hi everyone,

 

My boyfriend and I broke up 3 weeks ago. I'm shocked to discover that he is on dating sites--I've been here heartbroken and devastated, hoping that we'd get back together, and he's already moved on. I don't understand what's happened.

We had a very tender relationship, so loving, but we also had a lot of complications. His family didn't accept our relationship because I'm not Muslim, and I think he was facing a lot of adversity but the problem was he would never acknowledge it to me even though I knew things weren't right and it was causing problems in our relationship. We were seeing each other fairly often, then it got to a point when I was seeing less and less of him. I talked to him about it, and told him that I wasn't happy with the situation and that I sensed something was wrong, and he seemed to understand but didn't give me any explanation as to why I was seeing him less. I asked if it was because of the family disapproving of the relationship, but he never admitted it to me. After I talked to him, things didn't change--I continued to only see him about twice a week, and I could sense that he had started to detach from me. I finally broke it off, explaining that nothing had changed since I talked to him and I sensed that he'd grown distant. He didn't even resist the breakup in any way, or try to explain himself, and he's made no attempts to contact me whatsoever for 3 weeks. I blocked him on Skype because it was just too painful to see his picture every time I turned on my computer. I came to discover a week ago that he is now on dating sites. How can he be on dating sites already? How can he get over the relationship so quickly? The strangest thing is he still has my picture on his Skype cover page. I contacted him and asked him to take it off, because I didn't feel comfortable knowing it was there when he was on dating sites. He texted back and said he was doing it right then (that's all he said in his reply), but it's a week later and he still hasn't taken it off. Why would he keep my picture there if he's already moved on to dating sites??

I am so confused about what's happened with him. We were so close, and I don't know what caused him to drift away. I have fragile moments when I want to contact him and tell him how hurt I am, that I thought we were so close. Then, it dawned on me that he could have been on the dating sites the whole time we were together, and I'm now wondering if I've ever seen the reality of this guy, or if it was all an illusion. I just can't seem to move forward, even though there's nothing to hold on to. He's made no attempts to contact me, and I know that this in itself should tell me all I need to know, but I'm stuck.

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To answer your initial question - some people don't face their hurt but prefer to bury it in others. It's not the right thing to do and it will eventually come back to haunt them.

 

However, in order to heal you need to stop thinking about him and his reasons and turn the focus onto yourself.

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It's quite possible that he really never was in the relationship knowing that you are not muslim and his family wouldn't approve. So he went for the ride, didn't really emotionally invest himself in you like you did him and that's why he's moved on so quickly. I agree with hodgeheg. Try to stop thinking about the why and start to focus on yourself. It's difficult but as time passes it gets easier. Go no contact as well. No point in staying in touch with him if he's already on dating sites.

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Thank you both for your sound advice. I know you're right. I don't understand why I'm finding it so hard to move on when it's clear that I should. I've been torturing myself, playing out what happened between us in my mind over and over again and trying to work out where it went wrong. Like you've both said, I need to focus on healing myself rather than wasting energy on him.

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Most dumpers have already processed the breakup and distanced themselves from you emotionally BEFORE they break up with you.

 

For you, this is something fresh and painful.... for him, he's had plenty of time to get used to the idea and was already moving on before it happened. So yeah, he's detached and ready to start dating now.

 

Did you ever know who he truly was? Well, you knew him as a person who was in love with you, but now his feelings have changed and so the way he treats you has changed as well. There's a change in his behavior toward you and his feelings for you.... but who he is as a person hasn't changed. You just knew one (very wonderful) side of him.... what you're seeing now is another (extremely sucky) side.

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Hi,

 

I can truly understand your pain, my ex informed me via a pm that he was intent on joining dating sites, only a few weeks after we broke up...

Now I can see he had as the previous poster suggested, processed our break up and already made the decision...

 

Initaly I was gutted, he didn't take my feelings into consideration, it was difficult adapting to just being friends..

Some people are simply immature emotionaly,they have no thought of how devastating their actions can be...

 

Now nearly a month on,I am relieved he has gone from my life, yes the pain takes time to heal,but everyday I am getting stronger...

You will heal, move on..

Don't even think about contacting this guy, stop looking at his photos, let him go hun..

You deserve and will find better...

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hi sharky988--thank you for making me see it from that angle. I was the one who broke it off, because I'd noticed that he was detaching from me, and I was seeing less and less of him. I'd spoken to him about it and nothing changed so I ended it. What you said really makes sense, because even though I officially broke it off, it was him detaching from me which caused me to finally end it. Now that I read your reply, I can see that he was showing signs of disinterest well before I broke it off.

nigirl--you have my sympathy too. it's so devastating, isn't it, when you have hopes of the relationship getting back together and then discover that the other person has already moved on. Thank you for the encouragement, and for telling me to not contact him, because I have weak moments when I start sending a text but then I think 'What am I doing?!' and cancel it.

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Hi Manuzza,

 

I find myself in a similar situation. My boyfriend of 9 months (4.5 years on/off) broke it off with me a week ago saying he spoke to his parents and has decided that he can't be with a non-muslim girl. And today, I discovered he is already seeing (and sleeping with) other muslim girls. It's devastating to learn because I have no idea if this was going on while we were still dating or not. Regardless, it's been a week - how could he forget so quickly? I thought he loved me; he shed tears when breaking up with me. And today, he so cooly professed he likes this girl... it's like his criteria was religion and that's all. He chased the first girl that happened to be muslim.

 

I initially asked a lot of questions, cried, felt pity for myself... but you know what? This was my push to cut contact completely which I haven't been able to do. The wounds are still fresh and I have no idea when they will heal. But I just want you to know, that you're not the only person out there. And you can message me anytime if you want to talk We will get through this; I know it.

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nsj0711--thanks for sharing that. I read yesterday that this is how guys often deal with breakups, by starting dating immediately, whilst women tend to hibernate and mourn the relationship.

 

star554--thanks for being so sweet and supportive. it's very comforting to hear that you have been in a similar position and that you're getting through it. what's so strange is that my ex isn't looking to date Muslim women--he's on sites where there are only non-Muslim women. if the problem with our relationship was that I wasn't Muslim, why has he gone onto sites looking for other non-Muslim women? This is what makes me think that maybe he's just looking for 'casual' relationships until his marriage to a Muslim is arranged, which I have this feeling is going to happen soon. It's upsetting to think that maybe that is what I was to him, just a bit of fun.

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Manuzza, in my opinion, if you think too much about this you'll only hurt yourself. Why am I saying that? Because I'm going through the exact same thing - so admittedly, I don't have that much experience yet. It was tough.. I'm not gonna lie. And seeing the other girl in his bed yesterday - gosh that image has scarred me for life.

 

And for you, seeing his face on that dating site. But here I am... second day into NC - and I feel strong and proud! We gotta remind ourselves that we deserve better - we shouldn't just accept what they throw at us. Truth is people who genuinely care about you just don't have the ability to do this.

 

And surround yourself with THESE people because they are actually worth your time. My friends are all in a different city but they've been checking up on me non-stop! It's so nice to know that you're loved and these people I know will never drop me the way he did! And I'm sure you have people like that in your life. This guy, as much as it hurts, was yesterdays news. The less you think about what he has done, and the more you think about where you want to be in a few months, a few years, the more happy and motivated you will be. Be strong! You will get through this.

 

And PLEASE don't accept the abuse I accepted. I was told two years ago that oh we can never get married so let's end it. That should've been the red flag that would've prevented me from wasting another 2 years. But when he came back, when nothing better came along, I took him back with open arms. And this time something that he considers better did come along, and he's over me like we were a one night stand. Well, I say, who needs or wants people like that. People that don't appreciate what they have and look elsewhere because they constantly hope there is something better/easier out there.

 

If he doesn't consider THINK you're worth it, it's HIS issue! Take this as a learning opportunity and move forward. It's what I'm doing and you know what, I KNOW it will get better.

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thanks star554, very comforting words and very encouraging. I've been no contact for nearly a month now (apart from when I texted him and asked him to take my pic off his Skype!) and I have to say that in the last couple of days, I've noticed a major shift in my feelings. I was feeling bad about myself before--because of him joining the dating sites so soon, I felt rejected and like there was something wrong with me because he got over me so quickly. NOW instead, I'm feeling disgusted with him and the way he's behaved, which is a major move forward for me because I'm not turning it on myself anymore! You know what I've found comforting in all this--reading other people's stories about heartache after a breakup, because it makes you realise that you're not alone, that there are sooo many people out there going through the same thing right now. It's also helped when I've thought about how I've had my heart broken in the past, and I did survive it! When I think about those past boyfriends now, I feel detached from them, and so I know that one day, I'll feel like that about this guy too.

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