Why exes who were cruel and hurtful, end up happy with someone else?

I have been in love twice in my life. The first guy, which was 10 years ago, cheated on me with many different people, through the entire relationship, and I didn't find out until a few months, after the breakup. I was young and naive. He was my first love/high school sweetheart. It was difficult for me to believe that he could do such a thing because he treated me right, better than anyone ever has (during the relationship). After the breakup, he lead me on for 4 years, while he continued to see many other people, and he started to get mean towards me. (long story.) He was also the person to hurt me the most. I finally managed to get over him 6 years ago. I had hoped that karma would get him, and I strongly believed that one day he'd feel the pain of being heartbroken, and I doubted that he would find happiness any time soon, because he didn't deserve it. He met a woman about 10 years ago, who he fell in love with, but they were just friends. They met during the time that he was my boyfriend, and she was a lot older than him, which is probably why they remained friends, until he reached adulthood. Every couple of years I'd find out that they were getting closer and closer, until they became a couple. 10 years later, they appear to be very happy. They might be engaged or married, (I did some snooping, I know, bad.) They travel everywhere, both university graduates, have good careers. The woman seems lovely. She's attractive, has many artistic skills, very intelligent, kind, and works with different kinds of children. She seems amazing and they both truly do look happy.

Here comes the bitterness in me: It's not fair. Though I am over him, I don't want him to be this happy. He never received the heartbreak of a karma that I hoped he'd get. He cheated on me, lead me on for years and made fun of me to his friends because he had me waiting, stood me up sometimes. He was so cruel, and played mind games with me. He'd have me believe that we'd be together again, but to just give him time to think. I honestly thought that I'd never fall in love again.

6 years later, now, I'm in love, and I wasn't looking for it. If anything, I didn't want to fall in love again. I'd date a lot, but the feelings were never strong for anyone. Break ups didn't hurt as much and I'd get over them pretty quickly, without effort. My motto was to have fun and not get attached. I had my share of friends with benefits. The seeing different guys, and partying was a side effect to the heartbreak.

When I met this second guy, after a few months of talking, I changed my way of thinking. Our emotional connection was so strong and we understood each other and connected on a whole other level. I ended up falling in love. I'm not sure how he felt about me, but he'd often say that he was getting attached and that he'd never felt that way for anyone before. Long story short, things didn't work out because he showed his true colors. He's the most evil person I have met and I'm working on getting over him. If the first guy was a cruel joker, this guy is the devil.

I know that I only have control over myself, but I can't help but to wish him the same heartbreak. I don't want him to be happy so soon because it's so recent. I have been checking his social media sites, and it seems like he might be moved on.

So two loves failed, both cheaters. I sometimes wondered if things were my fault, but I was faithful and treated them right. I was not overly clingy either. The snooping around happened after the break ups. I keep beating myself up wondering why me? Why do they get to be happy with someone else, with no remorse over what they did to me, or without bad karma as in a heartbreak. It's just not fair. They get to live happily, while I'm here, feeling beat up and run down, over how bad they hurt me. And yet still, I believe that not everyone is bad, and that one day, when it's my time, I'll be happy too. I don't have unrealistic hopes, because I know myself as a person, and I know that I couldn't play with someone's emotions, how they did with me. So I believe there are others out there who feel the same way as myself, and aren't out to emotionally hurt others.

Don't worry. Time wounds all heels.

Ok, the first boy was 15 years old, yes? Teenagers are notoriously mean. Teenagers most of the time change into very different adults. I absolutely CRINGE at things I said and did as a teenager. I would never dream of doing today. Does someone deserve a life of misery for something they did as a teenager? No.

The second guy? Well there are asshats everywhere. There are also nice people everywhere. However if you are stuck on being miserable as to why karma is not biting people in the ass you won't even find the nice people. You won't even see them.

She seems amazing and they both truly do look happy.

Unless you actually live with them or know the woman personally, you don't know if she's amazing and you don't know if they're truly happy. Pictures do not always tell the whole story.

Ok, the first boy was 15 years old, yes? Teenagers are notoriously mean. Teenagers most of the time change into very different adults. I absolutely CRINGE at things I said and did as a teenager. I would never dream of doing today. Does someone deserve a life of misery for something they did as a teenager? No.

 

The second guy? Well there are asshats everywhere. There are also nice people everywhere. However if you are stuck on being miserable as to why karma is not biting people in the ass you won't even find the nice people. You won't even see them.

I know we were young. I was lead on up to almost age 20. I really should let it go but that young girl in me was so hurt and she got to watch him never receive that karma, instead, he received something much better. Maybe I wouldn't be as bitter, if this hadn't happened to me a second time. It reminds me of the first love and in a way, I feel like i'm re-living the worst years of my life with this second guy who had me see things in a positive light, for it to just be crushed again. The fact that it's over is not what hurts, it's the fact that they enjoyed torturing and playing with me and I never deserved any of it. Yet, they get to be happy with someone else, like if they deserve to be happy.

Okay ,but you're still not getting my point. You are now continuing to torture yourself. Does that make sense at all? If you put as much effort into yourself being happy as you put into wondering if they are going to get karma you would be a way happier person today.

Okay ,but you're still not getting my point. You are now continuing to torture yourself. Does that make sense at all? If you put as much effort into yourself being happy as you put into wondering if they are going to get karma you would be a way happier person today.

You're right Victoria66. There were times when I was happy. But being the Curious George that I am, I felt the need to check up on them once in a while, cuz I wanted to know that I was happier. But even when I was happy, their lives were so much better than mine, there was no comparison. I know that I shouldn't compare. I am so bitter, I know. Yes, I am torturing myself, I wish changing this was easy.

After all these years you are still keeping tabs on guy one? For your own sake and sanity you really need to learn to forgive and let go like right now. Also, nobody can ever string you along unless you let them. So own your part in this and let go. Forgive him and forgive yourself. Stop checking on either of them, stop giving them another thought and focus in being happy yourself and living your own fulfilling life. I rarely say this, but you might actually benefit from seeing a therapist and working out why you get so stuck and how to let go.

You're right Victoria66. There were times when I was happy. But being the Curious George that I am, I felt the need to check up on them once in a while, cuz I wanted to know that I was happier. But even when I was happy, their lives were so much better than mine, there was no comparison. I know that I shouldn't compare. I am so bitter, I know. Yes, I am torturing myself, I wish changing this was easy.

Life isn't a contest.

The only way to change is to stop holding your life/happiness against someone elses' --- especially an ex.

After all these years you are still keeping tabs on guy one? For your own sake and sanity you really need to learn to forgive and let go like right now. Also, nobody can ever string you along unless you let them. So own your part in this and let go. Forgive him and forgive yourself. Stop checking on either of them, stop giving them another thought and focus in being happy yourself and living your own fulfilling life. I rarely say this, but you might actually benefit from seeing a therapist and working out why you get so stuck and how to let go.

I know it's embarrassing. I do need a therapist. And I am also to blame because like you said, I allowed it. I have to keep reminding myself that others do not have control over me. I rarely feel like I'm in control.

Life isn't a contest.

 

The only way to change is to stop holding your life/happiness against someone elses' --- especially an ex.

I must feel this need to prove that I am worthy. For some reason I didn't feel worthy after things ended.

That is where you have to stop letting other people dictate yourself worth. Yourself worth is not dictated by other people but by you.

That is where you have to stop letting other people dictate yourself worth. Yourself worth is not dictated by other people but by you.

This is something that I need to learn how to do. I lived in an abusive home for 20 years, my dad being the most abusive and I was also bullied for years in school, so this might have a lot to do with how I feel about myself.

This is something that I need to learn how to do. I lived in an abusive home for 20 years, my dad being the most abusive and I was also bullied for years in school, so this might have a lot to do with how I feel about myself.

Yes ,of course it has to do with how you feel about yourself and that is why you need therapy and this is not going to get any better unless you do so. And if you come from an abusive family you go out into the world looking for dysfunction because that feels normal to you. So if you want the chance at a normal partner please seek out therapy for yourself so you can have the criteria to choose a healthy partner.

We don't get to decide what another person "deserves." That's just a fact of life.

What we do get to decide is what we deserve - and reach out for it.

I can tell you from personal experience that holding people at arms length and being afraid to get attached to them hurts you more than it hurts anyone else. Locking your heart away makes you a different person... and not in a good way.

Pain is a part of life. Continuing to suffer from long ago pains is optional.

Perhaps karma is speaking to you and you are not listening. Two guys, both cheaters. What is the common connect? You picked them both and they turned out to be bad apples.

Take this time to learn the lessons that those two relationships tried to teach you. What red flags did you ignore? What childish fantasies do you sign on for before you truly knew who they were? Why did you hold on for so long when your intuition was trying to tell you to get out.

This is what you should be focusing on instead why didn't they get their comeuppance. These were life learning experiences that it sounds like you still have not learned from and could be destined to repeat. Raise your standards in what you look for in a guy. What warning signs will be a deal breaker in the future? How will you gauge a man's true standards instead of just relying on his pretty words and gestures?

Guys like this can hide their true nature for awhile but they also give warning signs if you know where to look. If you convince them that you are naive and will not protect your own best interests, that is like giving them a blank check to take you for ride.

Come on love, you can't think like that. Karma has a true sense of humour. If you wish people (even those who deserve it) the very worst it comes right at you instead. Your job is to embrace the pain, learn from it, be done with it and wish your exes luck on their journeys. Your job is not to advocate to the gods vengeance on your behalf. It does not work like that love...

If you heal and let them be you will see, you will end up just fine.

I had an ex who treated me so poorly. I let him go and then his life started to really mess up. I gloated over it and when it was time I let it go. I really do not wish him bad. I hope to God he finds what he is seeking.

What stuff in your life makes you feel worthy? What activities/work/hobbies/people make you feel good about yourself?

I understand your thoughts and it is this common adagio of life. But what can you do. Sh*t happens. This hasn't got much to do with them any more but your own happiness which is the most important thing here. When you hold on to pain it only hurts you sadly. The pain doesn't reach them in some magical way. It sucks, I have been there too. But moving forward from this I suggest you focus on self love and how you can be authentic and real to yourself and needs. Because those guys are gone in the past now whereas you finding love for yourself will last forever. So work on that. And do speak to someone, it's not a bad thing, I sure wish I did when I was younger but saw it as weakness then. You have a chance starting now to find more love and acceptance in yourself and not feel like a reject. Who knows why they did what they did. That is their own path. Try and focus on yours. And I think you will find more inner strength then.

Ah it seems you don't understand what karma means. Karma has nothing to do with revenge. It is really about the idea that actions have consequences ... or cause and effect. There is no positive or negative placed on either. So if you have a headache then the effect is that you will take medicine.

I think it would be useful for you to realize that people create both their own happiness and their own misery. For you that means the misery you are feeling is entirely due to your thoughts.