Dwelling on who you once thought they were ..

I find my toughest struggle going through this healing process is thinking back on how good things once were, a time when he seemed to really love and care about me. But he's not that person anymore. It's kind of like I'm mourning a death. Anybody ever feel this way? Any advice?

Like virtually everything in life, nothing is constant. People change. It sucks I know, I sometimes ponder what happens if she changed back to who she was when she was with me, the guy she's with must be very happy.

Yes, and this is a normal part of dealing with it because it is a 'loss'. Therefore you will experience all of these thoughts/ emotions.

As well, confusion, denial, anger, lonliness etc for a while. It's hard to work on accepting and then healing from this loss.

All takes time..

Chenille, he was always the person he is now. A cheater and liar. You were in love with an illusion, not the man he is.

I don't think I agree you with there. If the OP's ex was in fact that it, then the OP, including myself, would constantly question and doubt ourselves of how we could have attracted and been so intimate and trusting of this type of person, for so long. I believe my ex was a good person for so long, until she changed. I think what the OP is asking is she can't help but thinking what if her ex reverted back to the good person he was when they were together. I maybe wrong but that's just how I perceive things.

Chenille, he was always the person he is now. A cheater and liar. You were in love with an illusion, not the man he is.

That is true. They don't just morph into who they are, they were always like that.

I don't think I agree you with there. If the OP's ex was in fact that it, then the OP, including myself, would constantly question and doubt ourselves of how we could have attracted and been so intimate and trusting of this type of person, for so long. I believe my ex was a good person for so long, until she changed. I think what the OP is asking is she can't help but thinking what if her ex reverted back to the good person he was when they were together. I maybe wrong but that's just how I perceive things.

Life is not static. It is forever changing. We find out something new about other people and ourselves with each new situation. Each experience is like unfolding, sort of like an onion. I know it is not easy to accept that they were not the person that they were because it is mind blowing that we were with them and it raises a lot of questions about ourselves. But yes, people have choices. They chose to be this person now. It does not mean they were not that person before. It just means they have chosen to be this person now. I am trying to accept that too with my ex. It does not invalidate the relationship I had with him it just means at the moment I am unable to be with him because the person he has chosen to become is not aligned with the direction I would like to take in my life.

Taking this viewpoint is even more important because we have a child. I do not want to regret things. The truth is he said and did a lot of things that enabled me to trust him and believe in him then when we got pregnant and he could not handle the pressure of raising a child he just started acting like this.

I know for sure that if we had not had a child, we would still be together because I see now that he must preferred dreamland to the backbreaking task of getting on with real life, working, making hard choices, sacrifices. And that is okay. That is his path. It is just not mine, not anymore.

Chenille, he was always the person he is now. A cheater and liar. You were in love with an illusion, not the man he is.

You are ABSOLUTELY right!!

Have gone through those feelings myself. It's like a roller coaster of emotions.

My ex treated me like a princess, always made me feel so loved and cared for. Never had

an argument. I did see other red flags that kept me on my toes. The way he treated others

truly bothered me. He can easily disappear from loved ones lives if they say even one thing

that he doesn't agree with. I did that when I commented to him on the type of stuff he was

putting on his FB page (he's almost 50). From that point on I got the silent treatment and it led

to the ending of our relationship.

After things ended I found out about all of the compulsive cheating and lying, from day 1. Constantly

being sexually explicit with so many women.

I would have never guessed.

It's hard but I have to always remember who he really is, not who I thought he was.

Hang in there. Ride the waves and allow yourself to feel and grieve. I'm right there with ya!!

I feel like this too. My ex was and is a good person, and therefore it's hard for me to not focus on the good. I just need to accept I'm a good person, he's a good person, we had good times but ultimately we were not a good match together. Hopefully there is someone out there who will be for us all!

my ex was a good person, not a good partner

We seem to have something in common here. Facebook was BIG problem with us. He seemed to live a different life on there flirting with a whole bunch of girls, even texting them and cheated with one. Crazy how social media is these days.

I'm sorry but I still can't seem to comprehend this idea. I'm no psychology expert but people are not the same as they once were. By your logic, it would mean that people who have fallen into a sudden state of depression or major depressive disorder due to an event, then they have not changed but have always been a depressed soul. You cannot say that your ex has always been lazy and not a diligent person because his circumstances have changed. Yes, they chose to be this person 'now' and not the person we thought they once were. The question is will they ever become that person we fell for again, and if they do, and they are with someone else, how would that make us feel. Eh, I dunno anymore.

I'm sorry but I still can't seem to comprehend this idea. I'm no psychology expert but people are not the same as they once were. By your logic, it would mean that people who have fallen into a sudden state of depression or major depressive disorder due to an event, then they have not changed but have always been a depressed soul. You cannot say that your ex has always been lazy and not a diligent person because his circumstances have changed. Yes, they chose to be this person 'now' and not the person we thought they once were. The question is will they ever become that person we fell for again, and if they do, and they are with someone else, how would that make us feel. Eh, I dunno anymore.

It is possible that an ex can morph back into the person you fell in love with. Of course. Miracles happen.

But knowing what you know about them, why in the world of me would you still want to hang around throwing dice on your life?

Experiencing the same things at the moment. My ex constantly sent me lovely messages about the future and we spoke about it face to face a lot. Then bam out of nowhere its over and even after she still spoke of how she thought we'd be together forever. I don't want to delete the messages as they mean a great deal to me and I still love her.

I guess this depends on the relationship. Social media is something that is probably not good for my ex. From what I understand he was a liar/cheater before social media. It just gives another outlet to meet people easier. I guess I was lucky that I didn't find out about the cheating until about 2 1/2 weeks after we split. It still stung, but not as bad I guess.

When we look at who we thought they were, as opposed to who they are, we have to remove our rose colored glasses. Part of me started seeing and hearing things that I did not like and that were a turn off to me. I started questioning whether I could spend my whole like with someone like that, always having arguments with others, treating others badly, not motivated to earn a living, and so on. But then, he was probably the "kindest" man I have ever dated. Never once got upset with me, never raised his voice, was supportive. Thinking back, I'm sure there was a motive there. He was getting what he needed also. All I can say is thank goodness I have never let a man move in to my home with me (since my divorce). I think he was doing all the "wonderful" things for me around here because he thought it would be his home at some point to.

I think it turned out to be a blessing in disguise finding out about all of the cheating and lying afterwards. It takes me out of the position of hoping to hear from him, wanting closure, etc. There was no closure or proper break up and I was left to feel like the bad one for my comments to him about his Facebook activity, etc. I'm not even sure he knows that I know about the cheating, but it doesn't matter. It won't change who he is.