Found naked pictures of "real" girls on my boyfriends computer.

I'm 24 and he 23. We've dated about 2 years and it was the best relationship I've ever been in, aside from the fact we could not talk our problems out civilly and healthily. Anyway, last Monday we were hanging out at his house and I asked him if he had any pictures of us from when we first started dating. He started looking through his computer files and I noticed a file that was named "Super Secret" and of course I asked what it was. Right away he deleted it BUT when he clicked on it the thumbnail of what was inside it popped up and it was naked pictures of girls. Not porn, real girls he probably knows. I was very calm and I asked him why he had it, who they were of. He couldn't give me an answer, he said "I don't know, I don't have a reason". After trying to talk to him about it and trying to understand the situation I got upset and left because he kept saying it wasn't a big deal, however clearly it was to me. I gathered my thoughts and called him shortly after I got home to try and talk about it again, because I knew there was a reason and I didn't want to give him time to feed me some bull story. Again, he said there was no reason and eventually started screaming at me so I got off the phone. Eventually he sent me a passive aggressive text message and eventually told me that the pictures were from his group chat with his friends, that they were girls they had been with..to which I asked why would you take your time to save and upload these pictures of girls your friends have been with? He said that, "I thought it would be cool to collect them" and they were from a long time ago and he forgot about them. Which he very well may have but he deleted the folder so I'll never know for sure. I just don't understand why it would take him hours to tell me that after claiming "he had no reason". Honestly, the worst part isn't even the pictures if he would have just said sorry and was genuine about it and didn't call me ridiculous and insecure and be completely dismissive and disrespectful of me and my feelings I probably would have stayed with him. He's furious I broke up with him because he thinks the whole thing is ridiculous and now he's off talking to other girls while I have to force myself to eat and get out of bed and shower and it's only been a damn week. Am I crazy? Did I overreact? Can I just skip though whole feeling ty part and feel better already? I'm not proof reading this so I apologize for the errors.

He's furious I broke up with him because he thinks the whole thing is ridiculous and now he's off talking to other girls while I have to force myself to eat and get out of bed and shower and it's only been a damn week. Am I crazy? Did I overreact? Can I just skip though whole feeling ty part and feel better already? I'm not proof reading this so I apologize for the errors.

And you're sure he's off talking with other girls? 100%? If this is the case, there's no reconciliation here, it's certainly time to move on..

If you aren't and you're simply assuming, then yes, perhaps this is what he means when he says you're overreacting. After dating 2 years, he will know you better than we will, and what constitutes overreacting with you vs what doesn't,

With that said... I don't believe you overreacted one bit. Whether they were girls he knew, saved porn websites in his history, or completely random fetishes he kept to himself, the very simple fact was that his "skeletons" came out the closet. He needs to step up and answer to them if he cares. "They were my ex's I saved way back." -- "They were girls I once flirted with." .. anything; and deal with the consequences from there (you feeling hurt, pissed off, etc.). As well, you don't want to start accusing, or giving him no time to talk or explain himself. Let him say what he must, and if "Ok" is all you can say before wanting to go overboard in rants, keep it to "ok" and continue to discussion at a later time when you've had time to let it settle.. but are you sure he has went on to talk and date other girls?

Thank you for your advice. I really appreciate it. I wouldn't go as far to he's dating and I'm only going off of what his social networks are showing me. However he's been liking pictures of girls on Instagram and one of them he told me used to have a crush on him. He's been talking to girls that that I've never heard about and he added a girl on Facebook who he used to have a crush on. Now it's very likely he's doing all of this to piss me off OR that's how he's coping with moving on. I removed him from all my social media sites because it was making it worse.

Thank you for your advice. I really appreciate it. I wouldn't go as far to he's dating and I'm only going off of what his social networks are showing me. However he's been liking pictures of girls on Instagram and one of them he told me used to have a crush on him. He's been talking to girls that that I've never heard about and he added a girl on Facebook who he used to have a crush on. Now it's very likely he's doing all of this to piss me off OR that's how he's coping with moving on. I removed him from all my social media sites because it was making it worse.

You need to stop stalking his social medias, in fact, you need to block him. This behavior is not gonna help you in either healing or "winning him back", its just going to cause pain. From what I seen here and in person, people usually go through a "phase" when going through a break up where they're trying to hit on every girl/guy they can (rebounds), trying to see if they can find someone who can help em' forget about their ex, others drink, etc...

Best of luck.

You're right. I don't want to win him back, I wish he was taking ownership of what he did and try to win ME back. By looks of it that isn't going to happen. I just don't understand how someone can claim to care about you so much but be so careless towards the person you love. Pride is a dangerous thing. I know I'm doing that the right thing, it's just accepting that it's actually over is the hardest part.

Pride IS a dangerous thing, you can say that again. I think some people's reconciliation don't happen because of pride, even if they know it could work for the second time around, even if they know their ex partners have worked in fixing their issues that led to the break up, they don't do anything just because they don't want to come back saying "I was wrong, I made a mistake".

...it was the best relationship I've ever been in, aside from the fact we could not talk our problems out civilly and healthily.

When you get into a healthy relationship, you will realize how crazy this statement is. I think a core element of a relationship is communication, including the kind that comes with disagreeing. You were lacking a really fundamental part, in my opinion.

It sounds like the relationship was troubled and the communication poor. I think you are better off now and I hope you feel better soon.

When you get into a healthy relationship, you will realize how crazy this statement is. I think a core element of a relationship is communication, including the kind that comes with disagreeing. You were lacking a really fundamental part, in my opinion.

Agreed. This has been a growing and learning experience for you, mic. You're hurting now, but you'll be better prepared for knowing what you want in the future, which will contribute to your happiness. Just give it a little bit of time and you will heal and move on and find that you've grown as a person because of this.

eventually told me that the pictures were from his group chat with his friends, that they were girls they had been with..t

If this were even remotely true it would be so freaking creepy I'd run for the hills. But of course you and anyone else reading your post knows it's not. If it were only that he'd had have confessed early on. Nope sorry hon, the reason the communication is bad is because he's hiding things. That's it, that's all. He was hiding things and your communication will always be crap, because he is terrified of getting caught and then gets angry and turns it around on you when he does indeed get caught. Like he just did. With a file full of naked pics of real women.

You need to realize you dodged a very big bullet. Let him be some other girls problem and ten to one those girls he's off with now are the ones he already had naked pics of. He isn't talking to them, because you broke up, he was already talking to them beforehand. He's just POed that you caught him and broke up with him, because chances are he's got the mentality that he's the only one who can walk away.

And if this is true:

it was the best relationship I've ever been in, aside from the fact we could not talk our problems out civilly and healthily

My advice--go get some counseling or find a way to boost your self-esteem, because it's beyond sad that you think everything you've described here is the best relationship you've ever been in. Most of us would label it the worst or one of the worst at least. Good on you for breaking up with him, now get yourself back and realize it wasn't good. It was a lie and there were likely red flags you missed beforehand. With time and distance you will come to realize that and wonder what you ever saw in this joker. What a sleazeball he is.

I agree with Flash^^

If he's off now jumping on to other gals, then let him. Yes, it could be a 'vent'. Then let him vent.

Who knows, he may just end up 'regretting' all he's doing now, soon enough.

You don't need that, he is doing now.

Leave him be to do his thing. If he wants you back, he knows how to find you.

As for the pics? Yes, he could have forgotten about them there, as you two were together for 2 yrs. I have lots on my pc too. Don't recall what's all in my pics/files either. It happens.

If they were old ones he'd forgotten about why would he have them labelled secret? He's not to be trusted.

You're absolutely right. I've been hopeful it would change but it hasn't. He actually called me about 2 hours ago. It didn't go very well. He still didn't think he did anything wrong, he thought I "attacked" him and he still thinks the sole reason for the break up is because of the naked pictures. He was so cold and harsh about it all. Eventually he did apologize for having the pictures, and acting the way he did. Yet I still feel that he doesn't fully get it. He said he wants to be alone and he needs to work on himself. I said that he worked so hard to get me (because he did) and he lost me so effortlessly. Needles to say that pissed him off and he got of the phone. I didn't know how to take that but I didn't mean to upset him I was venting. Yet I can see how that would be hurtful to hear.

Why do I still hope he'll come over and try to win me back? Even when I know it's too late.

It's so hard to let go.

Thank you everyone for your insight. It has helped much.

If what makes you hold value in a relationship is your naked body, you have bigger issues than pictures of other girls on his computer.

I'll also say this. Every girl I've met, every girl I've been with, every girl I know has a treasure box somewhere full of old notes, diaries, pictures and other momentos. I intrinsically understand that these boxes are hallowed ground, AKA, place I am not to ever, and I mean Ever under no circumstances go looking through. And if I do go through it, I'm looking at a slice of them, under a microscope, in a way they'd probably be embarrassed to know someone saw them.

So when you go through his computer, you're looking at a slice of him. You can either learn to appreciate him for who he is or you can just not look. Yes, looking at lots of other girls are a part of who he is. And if your body is what gives you value in a relationship, you need to back yourself up to the starting square and re-examine what actually matters in the first place.

I totally get what you're saying. To be honest, the pictures aren't what made me leave him. It's the fact that I let him know it upset me and he treated the situation as if I was wrong for getting upset. He was dismissive of the fact that it bothered me and called me ridiculous and insecure. If he had apologized to me and showed me he was genuinely sorry instead of shrugged me off, I would probably still be with him.

That's like me reading something in your diary about other boys you like, and then getting upset about what I read and letting you know it made me upset, and then ME getting indignant when you berate ME for going through your stuff and being ridiculous and insecure.

Which is exactly what it is.

Learning to deal with the things about your partner that make you upset is a skill you'll just have to learn, or every time you run into stuff you don't like, your relationships are going to end. Not because of what you saw, but because of how you choose to react to them.

Okay well to be fair, I didn't "go through his stuff" .. he was on the computer showing me pictures of us and I saw it and brought it up as most people would. So, if I was snooping and with the intentions to FIND something like that, you'd have a point. However, that isn't the case.

First of all, this...

every girl I've met, every girl I've been with, every girl I know has a treasure box somewhere full of old notes, diaries, pictures and other momentos

you are hanging out with a lot of strange girls, Lonewing. most girls I know delete everything they had from their ex when they get serious with somebody else. maybe teen-age girl do all that you described...

Now, OP. I think you should go your separate ways. Great relationship SHOULD include honesty and the ability to solve problems and conflicts, yours doesn't have that. I know boys/men have these types of folders, but not while in a serious relationship (clearly he is not serious) and not when they have to lie about.

First of all, this...

every girl I've met, every girl I've been with, every girl I know has a treasure box somewhere full of old notes, diaries, pictures and other momentos

you are hanging out with a lot of strange girls, Lonewing. most girls I know delete everything they had from their ex when they get serious with somebody else. maybe teen-age girl do all that you described...

Or maybe they're just good at keeping it hidden from you. Either way, I find it a terrible waste to expect someone to so completely throw away the past like that. Maybe history means nothing to you, but every step and stone we pass becomes a part of who we are and a part of who we become.

Respecting each other's personal spaces, no matter how personal or private you think they are [HIS computer is HIS personal space, for crying out loud] is a huge component of any relationship, if you can't do it there's always going to be issues.

Part of the respect that builds trust is knowing that even if the other partner sees something, they aren't going to freak out about it. You freak out, that trust is shattered, gone, forever, and the hiding simply becomes more developed. What he learned is that she can't handle him seeing other girls naked pictures. What she learned is that he collects pictures of girls naked. Perhaps it's a good development for the both of them.

I don't consider myself a prude, but I get creepy feeling from reading the post. I know it's probably not to different to what is in a lot of magazines, but I would be wondering how he really came to have those photos. I don't think you should as him anymore. I just get a bad feeling which I can't really explain.

It is not about the pictures as I've already stated. Did they upset me? Absolutely. For me, were seeing those pictures break up worthy? NO. Was completely disregarding my emotions, and not taking ownership for the simple fact that it did hurt me, and turning it around on me because "i'm ridiculous and insecure" instead of apologizing like a decent human being like he's don't so many times, screaming at me and making me feel so small, is that worth breaking up for? YES. What you're saying holds absolutely no value to the situation because for whatever reason, you're so focused on the fact that I invaded his privacy, like I sat on his computer and was looking for it which was NOT the case as I've explained. My god you remind me of him.

But it IS about the pictures, it's entirely about how you reacted to them.

You were looking through his space - even if it was with him there with you. Does he have a responsibility to make sure his personal space suits your emotional securities? I'm not on board here, I do believe if you look in any person's personal space, there's always going to be things in there that will be sensitive. So while the appearance of those pictures most certainly hurt the image you had of him and your relationship, I don't exactly see why he would apologize for it.

Screaming at you is unacceptable, always is - there's no good reason for it. But if pictures of other girls makes you feel your value diminish, that's something in your personal inventory worth looking into.

Either way, if he's that good where lots of girls send him nudies, he's no loss to you and you're no loss to him...

Lone wing, OP did state that it wasn't the photos which upset her, it was the way he treated her. I get what she has said.

He claimed that the photos weren't sent to him by the girls - they were girls his friends had been with ICK. There's a good reason to NEVER let ANYONE have a photo of you naked. If his "friends" do indeed share naked photos of their girlfriends, that's a massive disrespect of another persons privacy.

You should probably know this, then...

If you share a nudie pic with one boy, bro-code states it will be shared. It's why if we ever found out our girl was sharing nudies with other boys, [akin to a girl finding her bf has a bunch of nudie pictures from other girls], it's really not fair because we'll simply upload our collateral to the web. If you had a collection of dic pics, I know I myself would simply laugh. No, it's not a fair fight...

I have been introduced to a guy's new girlfriend as "hey check out what I'm getting tonight!" and the picture being not of the girl's face but a full shot of just her breasts. It was quite fun to see them together later, as she transitioned from GF to wife, but some things are never unseen. He got himself a terrific looking woman...and she got herself a piece every girl wanted... astounding about how that latter part goes, no?!

Don't ever send pictures of yourself naked to ANYBODY. The only one who might need to see you that way professionally is a doctor who will ask to see you in person and go form there. If you do take pictures of yourself naked and give them out, expect that whoever received them is not only keeping them for themselves into perpetuity [good ones go into the spankbank, bad ones go into collateral heap], but they are also sharing them with their friends, Especially after the break up or when they're done screwing around with that particular girl.

Pictures are mild compared to video. Don't Do Naked Webcam crap, period. Don't EVER make a sex tape, because there are more than a ton of sites out there dedicated to the "See My Ex!" genre of home porno tapes. Expect that the tape will end up on the internet within two years. Yes, you can sue to get the tape removed, but you're looking at the insurmountable task of stopping the mirrors of the mirrors of the mirrors as they bounce your bountiful body all over the internet. You can read horror stories written by the women who have tried [and failed] to get their sex tapes removed from the internet. All he has to say is that he was hacked or his computer was stolen, either way, no matter where he ends up, you're on the internet for good.

It is indeed a massive disrespect of another persons privacy to share such personal property. How your personal property is treated, though, depends entirely on the person holding that property and what you mean to them. The respect starts with the owner of the body, though; respect yourself and DON'T SHARE YOUR OWN NAKED PICTURES! If you don't respect yourself enough to not take those pictures, why should he have the respect to not do what you have already done and share them again? If you think you have to use your body to get this boy or to keep that boy interested in you, you have some serious work to do when it comes to relationships. If you want to be treated like a naked girl on the internet, take the nudes, pose on web cameras, engage in sex tapes and send them out, in no time at all you too may become the next great international amateur porn star.

Lonewing, you speak the truth.