We set a break up date...Opinions and suggestions please...

Hey everyone, I stumbled accross this site and everyone looks real helpful so I figured I'd seek some advice here.

So My girlfriend and I of almost 3 years have decided to end it next month after our coed softball season is over. Were both not happy and we tried to make it work since we both still love each other deeply. The reason I'm not happy is that I am the affectionate type of person, I love touching and holding hands, kissing and fooling around and talking about anything and everything with her. She is still afraid to open up and not at all affectionate and cant talk about things. She says its hard for her to do that and its easier for her to just avoid a conversation and let it brew in her mind then to hash it out with me. We don't fight a lot or even have that many things to really talk so in depth about often, its just that when we do nothing ever gets accomplished. She says that although she knows she still loves me she doesn't think we click like we used to and its getting to be too much.

The biggest problem is her obsession with family. They're all very close which is great and all love me and treat me so well, but her mother is extremely needy. My girlfriend is 23 and the youngest of four and her parents are almost 60 and her dad is still working; her mother is retired. All the kids live within a mile of the parents with their partners and my girlfriend lives at home (with no plans of moving out at all) Her sister leaves her kids with the mom every day all day while she works and does nothing to help her out, so my girl feels bad and helps her mother with her sisters kids. Her mother also makes my girlfriend feel guilty every time she isn't there to help, so we spend a lot of time just sitting in her living room, even a weekend getaway is a tribulation. She even changed her work schedule to be more convenient to help babysit!! Her mother also guilts all the kids into being constantly visiting or in contact and if they aren't around enough she gets upset and has them all talk to the person shes upset at, I can explain more if needed.

Before her sister had kids she was fun and we would do things and talk about future plans but as soon as she started being caretaker everything stopped and all we talk about are the babies and what she has to do to help. Again I dont want her to ignore her family and hell I've even done my fair share of helping and being there for them but she makes no room for me in her life and even asking her to come to my house feels like I'm twisting her arm. So here we arrive at the decision to break up. I know she can be the girl I fell in love with again but the more I push her to have a life with me involved the more she pushes back. And I tried telling her this but she just cried and said she knows but cant change it.

We're keeping things normal, since we do still love and care for each other, but knowing the end is coming is making me think everything over again. I dont want to leave her but I know to be happy I need to, or at least get some space to think. So any advice from anyone who had a similar experience would be greatly appreciated. I can elaborate if needed because there is so much more behind the scenes but thats the gist of it.

Thanks for your time everyone.

Unfortunately, this is who she is and her toxic family will always be a huge part of who she is. Since that's not working, you are correct about wanting to move on and should. A desire to disentangle herself from family and live her own life has to and can only come from within her and that may never even happen or may only happen years down the road. Right now, she is not ready and no amount of talking, loving you, etc. is going to shift her. At 23 she is just not yet matured or grown up enough. So let it go.

I agree, I come from a toxic mom, and I am 37 and just now learning to stand up for myself and set boundaries. Not to say it will take your gf that long, but as you said, she has no plans to move out, and her mom makes her feel bad if she doesn't help with stuff that isn't really her responsibility. So I think breaking up is for the best.

That's what everyone keeps telling me so thank you for reaffirming. I get along with her family too and her brother and his girlfriend have become our best friends to do things with so it really sucks. I know the whole problem stems from her mom's need to constantly be involved in her kids lives and sisters neediness. I just wish she could see how much its gonna hold her back in life, and how its ruining what would have otherwise been an amazing relationship. I'm just still so in love with her and it kills me to see her so wrapped up in her moms and sisters wants and needs that they've become her own. GAHHHH!

It's not going to be easy. You've been together a few years, and you love her family. When you break up with her, it's probably easiest, at least in the beginning while healing, to break up with them as well. But you know in your heart this is the right thing to do.

I agree, I come from a toxic mom, and I am 37 and just now learning to stand up for myself and set boundaries. Not to say it will take your gf that long, but as you said, she has no plans to move out, and her mom makes her feel bad if she doesn't help with stuff that isn't really her responsibility. So I think breaking up is for the best.

What was your mother like if you don't mind saying? All I hear from her and her siblings is "I feel bad" all the time. I can see its even starting to effect one of her brothers girlfriends too.

It's not going to be easy. You've been together a few years, and you love her family. When you break up with her, it's probably easiest, at least in the beginning while healing, to break up with them as well. But you know in your heart this is the right thing to do.

I do I just wish there was a way to make her see without offending her or them. Its been exhausting just trying to keep it together. I work a 50-60 hour week and every weekend were doing family stuff and cant even relax or be alone together. If she misses a visit from one of her sibs, who live down the street, its like she missed some grand party and it puts her in a bad mood. I cant explain or understand it. I'm super close to my family too but I can still breathe and do things. Frustrating is an understatement.

Also how can I get through this period of suspended relationship until we break up...I still see her and kiss her and we still say I love you and every time its like a reminder that its gonna be over soon, but I'm on the team with her family and my families business is sponsoring it so I cant walk away until its over.

My mom grew up in an alcoholic family where her dad drank and beat her mom. My Mom and most of her siblings are drunks or drug addicts. Mom has been sober over 10 years but not healthy because she stopped gogn to AA pretty quickly. My mom plays the victim very well because she doesn't know any other way. Unfortunately, because I was raised like that, i catered to her victim mentality. I bent over backwards for her. She woudl nto go places because she "didn't feel well." She became a hermit after my Dad died in 2011 and it got really bad, a lot worse, after that.

My Mom loves me but is very unhealthy mentally. She hasn't done the work she needs to do, and it kept me very unhealthy mentally. I finally realized how much i hated myself in 2012 and did a lot of work on my self-esteem, which helped, but this year is when I finally had enough of my Mom. I moved in with my parents after my divorce for financial reasons. After my Dad died I stayed because I felt I NEEDED to take care of my mom. All I did was enable her. I finally moved out after she helped push another good guy out of my life (in all fairness I take a lot of responsiblity for the braek up as well because I kept him in the dark about my family dynamic because of shame).

It's a very unhealthy dynamic. I don't know what your gf's situation is, or what her mom's past is like, but they definitely sound unhealthy.

Feel free to ask anything. I'm a pretty open book.

I think it's important that families be close, but it sounds like her mom takes it to a whole new level. My mom tries to guilt my brother into being closer with her, but my brother is 7 years younger than me and somehow came out of our childhood with healthy boundaires. He has always been a straight shooter and tells my mom she is a drama queen (because she is), and then my mom tells me how her heart breaks because my brother isn't closer with her. The fact is we woudl both be closer with her if she did the work she needs to do.

I do I just wish there was a way to make her see without offending her or them. Its been exhausting just trying to keep it together. I work a 50-60 hour week and every weekend were doing family stuff and cant even relax or be alone together. If she misses a visit from one of her sibs, who live down the street, its like she missed some grand party and it puts her in a bad mood. I cant explain or understand it. I'm super close to my family too but I can still breathe and do things. Frustrating is an understatement.

You can't make her see. She has to want to see, and she's not ready to. She may not be ready to for a long time. You can't understand it because your family has healthy boundaries. You said you love and enjoy your family but you arent' made to feel guilty if you miss a visit like her family is/does. It's a hugely unhealthy family dynamic, but until your gf sees it and desires change, there is nothing you can do.

Also how can I get through this period of suspended relationship until we break up...I still see her and kiss her and we still say I love you and every time its like a reminder that its gonna be over soon, but I'm on the team with her family and my families business is sponsoring it so I cant walk away until its over.

Why do you have to continue? Can't you end it now and just quit the team? Cut all contact with her and her family until you've healed, or forever? WHy is that not an option?

Wow its actually very similar, thank you for sharing. From what I gathered about her mom, her dad was also a heavy drinker, and her brother passed away from drugs. Although my girlfriends mother was never a drinker, she definitely suffered from her dads. But she definitely is playing the victim and all her kids are stuck in her grasp in that way. I will say that one of her sons is getting married and he moved out and twenty minutes away and that is the constant complaint in the house as of late. She blames it on the fiancee and is constantly saying that this is his home not there. Every time my girlfriends dad says something in his sons defense she just yells at him or stops talking.

Her mother is very mean to her dad, and her sister to her husband, and my girlfriend to me more and more often, and they all sound exactly like the mother. Even her sisters husband made a comment about how they all talk to us the same way, which didn't go over well at the dinner table, but it made me think.

My girlfriend is carrying the brunt of her family so I dont think she'll ever be the victim like her ma or helpless like her sister, but I would hate to be talked to like that, especially in front of kids if we were to have them.

I'm talking myself more and more out of this as I type, so thank you for giving me an outlet and again for sharing. What made you finally see what your mother was doing?

Why do you have to continue? Can't you end it now and just quit the team? Cut all contact with her and her family until you've healed, or forever? WHy is that not an option?

My parents paid a lot of money to sponsor and my moms fiancee is on the team with us and her brothers and sister and their SO's. Its only two more weeks and I thought it would help ease out of things honestly.

After working on my self-esteem two years ago I started to realize that my Mom's drinking when I was a kid, and the way she is now, had a huge impact on me and how I live my life and function or act/react. Someone on this site told me about link removed. When I read the laundry list, I was like OH WOW, that is SOOO me. Growing up with my Mom the way she was made me codependant and an enabler. I catered to my mother's unhealthy mental health.

I lost a few good boyfriends because of her. Like I said, I take responsiblity as well, because I never had healthy boundaries. The most recent guy I dated was black. I'm white. He was a WONDERFUL man to me. Treated me and my son well. My mom's disapproval was based on his race. She keeps letting her white trash drug addict sister back into her life, but couldn't accept a good man in my life because he was black. But even when I dated white men, she got so scared and insecure, knowing the longer the relationship lasted, the stronger it got, the more likely it would become that she woudl "lose me" to them. Logically she wanted me happy, but selfishly she wanted me single because then she would never "lose me".

I finally said to myself enough is enough. I'm taking year off of dating to finish working on myself, I'm attending ACA meetings to take care of my own dsyfunction, and then when I'm ready, watch out! LOL

If you've never been an alcholic, you can't understand why an alcoholic keeps drinking. And if you've never been in a dysfunctional family, you won't understand why the dysfunctional family functions as it does.

What made you finally see what your mother was doing?

 

Damn, thank you again for sharing all this. I see her mother as doing the same. She's likes me and her other brothers girlfriend because we arent trying to pull them away from her, which is why she complains about her other brother who's getting married. I'm sorry to hear about your mother interfering in what sounds like a great relationship over racial things though.

 

As for dysfunction my family is as dysfunctional as you can get. My grandpa on my dads side is a full on alcoholic, my parents are divorced but still run a company together, my dad suffered a nervous breakdown that left him with severe memory loss and was out of commission for a year and even went missing for a few weeks, we almost lost everything and were homeless which stressed out everyone, I'm the oldest of three, one of which is getting married this year, the list goes on but I really just wanted this to work because I want some stability in my life I can turn to when the "dysfunction junction", as we call it, starts up heavy. I'm never gonna settle for anyone but I really do love her and wanted it to work so well, but instead shes just making everything worse for me stress wise.

 

I feel also like she let me down because early on we had some road bumps in terms of whether we wanted to get into a relationship or not, her being the hesitant one, and she said yes. Then i felt like she got comfortable and safe and stopped trying.

It sucks......there's no way around that. And until your gf is ready to say enough is enough to her mom, it won't change. That's a cold hard fact.

It sucks......there's no way around that. And until your gf is ready to say enough is enough to her mom, it won't change. That's a cold hard fact.

 

I guess we'll just have to see what happens after the breakup. Maybe my not being around will help her realize. I plan on having no contact and if she contacts me I'm just gonna tell her I need more time. But I wont hold my breath. Thank you again for talking, it helped to hear it from the other side of the spectrum for sure. I'll keep on top of this thread and update how things go and end up.

Good luck to you! The bottom line is if you are not happy, then it's time to move on. And it sounds like you're not happy.

Here's an update, opinions please.

So we're nearing the end of our relationship (about another week and a half) and things are better now than they've been in a while. I think the stress of maintaining our relationship is gone and now were just having fun and enjoying having someone for the last bit of time. Of course its messing with my head a bit but I know it still has to end, I just wish it could have been like this the whole time and maybe it wouldn't have gotten so far off track.

We've talked since my last post about keeping in touch after the fact, she wants to and I told her I don't know how I feel about it at this time. I've always been the more emotionally invested one so it would be hard for me to casually keep in touch or get together without dragging myself over the coals. I plan on going through with the NC rule and seeing where I stand. We also talked about seeing other people, she said she doesn't plan on it for a while, and I know its true since she doesn't leave her house unless her family has something to do. It kinda made me feel weird though. I told her the same, but in all honesty I am kinda looking forward to meeting new people and getting some excitement back into my life.

I just started doing stand up comedy and I'm loving it so I know the options for meeting people will be there, but I'm still confused and I don't know how I'll feel when the reality hits me. I still love her and I will miss her but I wont miss how I feel a lot of the time.

Part of me still sees us getting back together down the road, maybe after she matures a bit and wants to live a life not attached to her mom and sisters hip, but time will tell.

So anyone dealt with something like this before, is this normal, am I thinking clearly? Anything will help, feel free and be honest.

Thanks again for your time.

It's impossible to remain friends if one or both people still want the relationship and have the emotional/romantic attachment. Remaining friends right now is not a good idea. Now maybe a few months down the road, once you've both healed and gotten over the relationship, things might be different.

I don't recall how long your relationship was right now, but there's no hurry for you to jump into a new one, so no reason to be thinking about that right now. Once you've gotten some distance from this relationshpi and worked out your emotions after the break up, you can start focusing on that. But for now I'd just focus on dealing with the emotions of the break up.

Read up on rebound relationships. You don't want to jump into something until you are healed from this break up.

We've been together about 2 1/2 years, and you're totally right about the rebound thing. I read up on it and I guess I'm just trying to think of quick ways to get over this when it ends. I'm in such a weird place right now and I'm sure she is too but she still cant open up about it. Another odd thing is we've been a lot more physically intimate with each other lately, more than we were when things were great, I'm doing back flips in my head I don't know what to think, although I know whats going on now isn't going to help us in the long run.

It gives me the jeebies just seeing that you guys have a break up date planned out, its like knowing the exact date of your death.

How are you not stressing out!?

It gives me the jeebies just seeing that you guys have a break up date planned out, its like knowing the exact date of your death.

 

How are you not stressing out!?

Believe me I am stressing out. It's almost numbing. I'm torn between making the best out of the time we have left and just wanting to save myself the inevitable anguish and distancing myself now. No one has any idea as far as I know except my brother and he just told me he cant even tell were breaking it off because of how we act around people. This is a weird situation and its not gonna end as peacefully as we both thought, and I think she knows it too. But were gonna cross that bridge when we get to it I guess. Gahhh...

Believe me I am stressing out. It's almost numbing. I'm torn between making the best out of the time we have left and just wanting to save myself the inevitable anguish and distancing myself now. No one has any idea as far as I know except my brother and he just told me he cant even tell were breaking it off because of how we act around people. This is a weird situation and its not gonna end as peacefully as we both thought, and I think she knows it too. But were gonna cross that bridge when we get to it I guess. Gahhh...

Best of luck man, its takes a lot to do what you guys are doing. Keep us updated!

Another update...

So we talked again about keeping in touch after the breakup. I caved and said I thought it would be ok. I'm not going to be the one to reach out first, I'm going to stick to not having any contact for a bit to clear my head. I'm already trying to get things in order for when we break up to keep myself busy and off thinking about it as much as I see myself doing. Still confused about the whole setting a breakup date thing and how its gonna go, or if she'll miss me as much as I'll miss her. But it's getting close to the time when we'll know, and we're really squeezing every last intimacy out of the last bit of time.

Gonna be a tough one. More updates to come, thanks for showing interest and support everyone.

You're a braver soul than I.

If I knew there was a date certain for ending a relationship then she'd become nothing more to me than a FWB and I'd be out searching for her replacement, which would ultimately serve as a means to accelerate the end.