Trying to move on...

For the last few months I've been posting in the Getting back together section, but now I feel like it's time for me to move here, this will be my first step in admitting that it's really over for good. We are not getting back together, and we never will. It's still hard for me to accept that, but I can't live in denial anymore. It's been really helpful to write down everything, I got some great advice, also I've been reading other people's threads and that helped a lot too, so I'm going to continue doing these things but in the Healing section.

I don't want to write much about my story, anyone can read it, although it's really long and boring and pathetic, so...

I'm having some extremely difficult days again but I'm trying to get it together... I guess the first thing that I would like to ask here is, is it normal to still be in this much pain over the break-up?

We broke up in September 2012, but we had contact, meetings, and even casual sex up until last December. I only stopped contact with him this year in January. I stupidly sent an e-mail to him about a month ago and since then we had some contact again, which is the reason why I am feeling so awful now.

Anyway... it's been a total of almost 2 years since the break-up and I'm just starting to feel like something is seriously wrong with me that I still feel this way about him, that I still haven't moved on. I know we had contact and stuff but even with that, 2 years is a really long time.

But if I only count the time since I went no contact, well that is 6 months too, which is not that short either. So, what is wrong with me? Do you think it's normal that I still haven't moved on completely? Because even without that e-mail and everything that's happened since, I doubt I would be much better. I sent that e-mail because I couldn't take it anymore, I just missed him so much, I was thinking about him all the time. I don't know if this will ever go away...

I guess I just want to feel normal, that everyone goes through the same thing and it's this hard for everyone, not just me, and I'm not that messed up. Or maybe I am...?

Now I am back to no contact and I will stay that way, I forward all his e-mails to the trash, and I'll find a way to block his phone number too. But I can't imagine how I will get through this. And here comes my other question: how can you stop all the thoughts? I have no idea what to do, even after all this time, he is the first thing on my mind every morning and it makes me feel so sick, I have to get up. I'm thinking about our memories constantly. Believe me, I don't want to, but I can't seem to stop it. There are better days and then worse days, but in general it's still awful and sometimes I really feel like I can't take it anymore. Of course when I have something to do it's better, but I can't do something all the time, and also these thoughts can come in all kinds of situations, no matter what I do or where I am... for example, I am a teacher and even during class, he often pops into my head. Nothing shows on me, I keep explaining whatever it is I am talking about, but on the inside I start to feel awful, I can feel it in my stomach. I have no idea what to do with these things. Do I have no other choice but to wait, a few more months or years, and hopefully by then they'll be gone? It's like a prison I can't get out of...

Wish I could just erase everything from my mind about him.

Two years really isn't a long time when you are still having contact AND holding out hope for a reconciliation.

People seem to fear going through the long, painful process of letting go. But if you don't, you'll stay stuck as you are.

Welcome to the right forum.

You need to focus on your life. Do something crazy and exciting, something you always wanted to do. Focus on self-love and self-care. Get some therapy. With the right attitude and NC you will get over him. Nothing is wrong with you, you didn't move on before because you didn't try.

Hi Mathgirl

The prison you cannot get out of is a pretty good analogy really.

The problem seems to be that you were still seeing him and sleeping with him up until last December so you haven't properly broken up, have you? I am sure you kept these lines open in the hope that he would get back with you but the problem is that when someone ends a relationship with you - they are on a totally different page from you. You are no longer their priority and when you continue to make yourself available like this you just become an easy option. All this while, I guess you have been hoping you will be back to how things were.

That is why things are so painful and dark still.

If you were together for 2 1/2 years then it WILL take some time to get over things. Cutting all contact is the best thing you can do. Accept that it is over - that he is not coming back.

I know it sounds easy but can be as hard as hell. But also consider that you were not born joined to the hip with him. You were ok before him and you sure as hell will be fine after him.

Take proper time to grieve the relationship but also recognise when you have good days and reward yourself for them. Hopefully it will not be too long before you laugh and then kick your own ass for wasting so much of your time and emotions on someone else.

It is a great move to get onto the correct forum as the good Ms.D says. Hang around and if you feel weak and are wanting to contact him - post here instead.

I promise it will get easier - just keep walking forward darling.

Thanks everyone.

It's a little bit better today but I still have the urge to contact him. Hopefully it will go away in a few days.

Today I've been reading through a lot of threads and on one hand, it makes me incredibly sad that there are this many people who got their heart broken... but on the other hand, it's really good to know that I'm not alone, and everyone goes through the same thing. I can see that getting over someone can last for many many months or even years for a lot of people, so I'm feeling a bit better about myself.

As for the replies above, well yes we were in contact until last December, but during the second half of last year or so, it was not that much really. And from his point of view, we were definitely broken up all along, he was fine, he was meeting new girls etc, while I was telling myself that it's no harm to exchange a few words every now and then. Not sure what I was thinking. And the sex, seriously... after each time, I was like, well it's no big deal, I'm just having fun, it's just sex... that mindset always lasted for a day or two, and then I had to realize that it affected me much much more than I thought it would. But it didn't stop me from repeating it. I don't know how anyone can be this weak as I am.

But since the beginning of this year, I feel like I have really tried. I don't know if it still looks from the outside like I haven't, because if it does then that's sad... I made a list in February of things I wanted to do in the next few months, and I did them more or less. I really tried to do a lot of things for myself, but I still couldn't get him out of my mind, and eventually I contacted him stupidly.

I understand that as long as I don't let go of the idea of us together, I can't even begin to move on, but I don't know how to do that. I tried to tell myself over and over again that this is over, I am not going to contact him again, he is a jerk who is not worthy of my love, and I will find someone better, and so on and so on... I know all these things, but I can't feel them, if that makes sense... I know I won't be with him again and I shouldn't be with him anyway, but knowing these things doesn't make the desire for getting back together go away. How does one completely let go of all hope? I am really having a hard time with this.

I remember every little thing that happened to us, but the strange thing is, that the positive stuff is so much more intense... we had a lot of bad times too, possibly much more than the good times, we fought a lot, did really crazy things, so it was far from a healthy relationship. And during these bad times I know I felt incredibly low. Now, I remember these things, that yes they happened, but I don't feel them, I don't feel anything when I think about them. In contrast, when I think about the good times, I can still feel everything, how incredibly happy I was, how much I loved him, and it hurts so so much. I don't get it. Why does it work this way?

And yes I had a life before him, but the problem is that I have never ever been even close to feeling the way I felt with him. I have always been a bit of a depressed person, sometimes it's worse, other times it's okay, and I can enjoy things but still, I was only really genuinely happy with him. I had relationships before him, but I never felt this way. It was like he made me come alive. This is what I miss and I'm afraid I'll never feel like that again. And this is why the thought that I once had a life without him, doesn't really help.

I will find a therapist in the upcoming weeks, although I have to say that I am having doubts if it's going to help, we'll see. 2-3 years ago I was in therapy for 6 months but it did nothing for me, in fact I was better when I stopped going and paying a lot of money, and started to do all the work myself to get better.

Glad you are feeling a bit better

It doesn't sound like there is anything wrong with you at all - but it does take a chunk of time to start feeling really good about yourself. The sucky part is that it is rarely linear so you can be doing pretty good and then hit a bump in the road that will set you back. And the first time you hit one of those bumps you will be convinced that there is something wrong with you - that you have made no progress at all. But the bumps will be further and further apart.

At the moment you are emotionally invested so still looking at the relationship with rose tinted glasses - you are idolising all that was good and choosing subconsciously to block the stuff that was not so good. As time goes by and those glasses come off you will have a much more balanced view of what the relationship was really like.

I know that at times it will feel like you are not making any progress but that is because progress will be slower to start with. You might find it really useful to start a journal of your progress. That way, it is easy to look back and see that actually - yes - you are making good progress and actually, that can help to kick your ass a bit further forward! The other helpful thing is to try to view this as if it was your very best friend going through an identical situation to this. You care for them and love them to bits but you are not emotionally invested like they are. What advice would you give your friend?

Look after yourself - be kind to yourself - allow yourself to have a cry once in a while and try to keep walking forward eh?

Thanks for your reply

What I don't get though is that I am fully aware of everything that is against us. And it's not just a few things. It's a lot. And it was a lot during the relationship too. I saw all these things, I can't say that I didn't, I just chose to ignore them. It was a neverending cycle: he behaved like a jerk, I felt terrible, but then I started to minimize it, and eventually I could explain it away and forgive him, not that he cared what I was thinking...

By the end though, it became a bit more complicated, because I did some pretty bad stuff too (not cheating or lying or anything like that but still I'm not proud), while he became somewhat more relationship-material and there were some really nice things he did for me. So by the end of our relationship and since then, I just can't decide what I am really thinking about him. Seriously. I don't know how bad was the bad stuff he did, how bad it was what I did, what I should think,... it's so confusing. I know we are both good people but we both clearly have issues.

I think I've been holding out hope for reconciliation mostly because I've been feeling like all these issues could be just solved... which is probably not the case, but you know, in my mind it's possible... I have this fear that he is now all ready for a serious relationship (just not with me), and he will be super normal and loving with his next girlfriend.... I can see he changed a lot and I have changed a lot too and this is why I keep going back to the idea of trying again, you know? It probably wouldn't work even with these changes, but I just can't be sure... and it just sucks to know that he probably won't be as much of an ass to his next girlfriend as he was with me especially during the first few months of our relationship...

I know I'm just torturing myself with these thoughts but I can't help it. It would be good to know he's still behaving like an idiot with girls, but sometimes it feels like he's like that just with me, but he's treating others well.

During our last round of e-mails, he told me he was in love with a girl and they can understand each other so well, they don't even have to say anything and they can communicate without misunderstanding. It's hilarious because they only had a few dates, but yeah, I'm sure it's love and they are meant for each other (they are not together though, he didn't say why, but I guess the girl wasn't this excited about him). Of course I didn't ask for that piece of information so it's quite disgusting that he had to shove it in my face, referring to the fact that we often misunderstood each other and he thinks that we don't have anything to talk about (said it half a year ago, said it again now). We did have communication problems but to say you don't know what you could talk about with someone you'd been with for years... unbelievable. He's acting like we never had good conversations or common interests or something.

My point is with this, is that I actually agree with him, that we are not the kind of people who can understand each other from a word. Yet it hurt me so much that he said that, it was like he was disrespecting what we had, thinking it was bad, and I felt like I wasn't good enough, that something must be wrong with me while that other girl is soo much better... I know it's ridiculous, but this is how I feel. I guess lot of what I've been going through can be traced back to this - that I don't feel good enough. I'm looking for validation from him but obviously he's not gonna give it to me and I just feel worse. Kind of hard to get out of this cycle when you have so little self-esteem.

Not sure where I was going with this post, lol, just writing down random thoughts, I don't know if it makes any sense.

No problem - and it is good to come on here and blurt it all out.

After a breakup, almost everyone goes though self esteem issues. The same rotten questions run around your brain - you are not good enough, there is something wrong with you - EVERY other girl is better than you! I imagine his poor behaviour helped you along that path too.

You two are still pretty young and still growing in maturity and experience. Everyone grows at a different rate and it sounds like he was still pretty immature and not knowing how to treat you. And when you put up with poor treatment then all you do is validate it in his mind.

Ok - so you did some bad stuff too but it sounds like that was you trying provoke a reaction in him and probably hoping to give him a taste of his own medicine? But you are mature enough to admit those behaviours and that you are not proud of them.

Look - you will have thoughts about him dating someone else - how perfect they will be together - how wonderful and rosy it all is in their garden for a little while. Don't fall for that old chestnut though because it is a stoopid trick of your mind when it is in this fragile state. All relationships take work if they are to survive beyond the honeymoon stage - give and take - MUTUAL RESPECT.

Sometimes this stuff is all about timing. If you are both at differing maturity levels and one of you is a radiator (you) whilst the other is a drain (him) then it doesn't matter how much you want it to work - it just wont. Who knows - if you met later on in life then maybe it would be a different story but you just wont know and cannot linger on those thoughts.

I have to say that it is totally unclassy and immature of him to tell you about any new relationship. If it was going as well as he said then he wouldn't be bothered to tell you about it - would he? It just sounds like another dig at you and your self esteem. That is another reason why it is so much better not to have any contact whatsoever. It never does YOU any good.

You sound like a super girl and you need to look at all the good things about you - don't focus on bad stuff you may have done that sound totally out of character and provoked by him.

Look out for you and I promise it will get better. Honestly - it really will. Do you want to go back to someone who treats you badly? To someone who cares so little about your feelings? Who doesn't cherish and RESPECT you? Who does not think you are the best thing since sliced bread? Who cannot wait to be with you?

If you release yourself from this crappy situation then you WILL find someone who does think you are truly wonderful.

Keep walking forward darling - day at a time - baby steps for now and for goodness sake show yourself some kindness too

During our last round of e-mails, he told me he was in love with a girl and they can understand each other so well, they don't even have to say anything and they can communicate without misunderstanding.

 

Of course I didn't ask for that piece of information so it's quite disgusting that he had to shove it in my face, referring to the fact that we often misunderstood each other and he thinks that we don't have anything to talk about (said it half a year ago, said it again now). We did have communication problems but to say you don't know what you could talk about with someone you'd been with for years... unbelievable. He's acting like we never had good conversations or common interests or something.

I agree it was a jerkish move for him to tell you about this girl. At the same time, he's offering a lesson you should take note of.

You are talking about resolving issues. He's talking about having a natural ability to understand each other. A relationship with almost any two people can work if both are willing to compromise enough. But compromise can be exhausting. And a lot of men would prefer women with whom they feel more comfortable with ... then THOSE women are the one.

Being the "one" for some guys is special status. Again ... you can work hard and compromise with friends, co-workers, even family. But your life partner should be a safer space.

I'm not saying he's right in saying what he said to you. But I think this gives you a better understanding of why he's not with you and not going to marry you.

Thanks for the kind words

It went something like this: for the first few months of our relationship, he did nothing. And I literally mean nothing. He didn't take me out, didn't even try that hard to see me, when we did meet, he basically didn't say a word to me. I was the one who tried everything to communicate with him, while he easily went days without contacting me. And I was an idiot enough to stay with him after this... I just didn't get it, because before we got together, he seemed really interested, you know? I tried to tell him how this is not okay for me, tried to have discussions with him, but he barely responded. Later he said that he can't explain why he was like this and he realized that he'd been an idiot back then. Whatever.

After like half a year, he really fell in love with me (or so he said) and then things changed, he tried more, he listened to what I was saying, but still it wasn't all that much... And it turned out he'd been lying to me about something for the whole time, which obviously broke my trust in a major way. And then, instead of trying to make it up to me, he went to visit his (girl) friend who lived in another city and spent the night there, without telling me!!

So yeah, a lot of what I did later was a consequence of all the things he'd done before, and yes, often I tried to provoke a reaction from him, because he just didn't seem to care at all.

BUT, I am a very insecure and jealous type of person, and I often behaved like an idiot in my previous relationships too, where the guys treated me much better than my ex (although I wasn't as in love with them as I was with him). So I don't know.

Later he really did change and did so lovely things for me and I feel like after the first half of the relationship, it was me who often made things worse. Nothing was good enough for me, I was nagging him constantly, I was being jealous without any reason, and so on, I think you can imagine... And I really regret it. But occasionally he still behaved like an ass... I don't know, he's so strange, sometimes it's like he doesn't have feelings, he doesn't know what empathy is... but then other times he was really sweet and understanding with me. I was confused all the time and I still am. I can't figure him out, I never could.

What you write, that maybe if we met later in life, things would be different - this is what's killing me. During our last conversation he said too that if we met only now, then maybe something could happen, and he believes that I have changed and he has too, but it didn't work out between us so he will never want to try again. But I don't get it, if he acknowledges that we've both changed, then what difference does it make, that we already know each other and not just meet now....

The times when he was sweet with me always made me believe that he was perfect for me, despite all his flaws and all the stupid arguments we had. But then he always stopped being so nice, but I don't really know anymore if that was all him, or if I was the one who achieved that with my behaviour...

I do realize though that he's never respected me enough and hasn't given a crap about my feelings in a long time. And I know I deserve better than that, and there were guys who treated me so much better but somehow I lowered all my expectations because I loved him so much.

I just don't understand how I was supposedly the love of his life and everything, yet he doesn't care about me at all anymore. And fine, we are broken up now, but even during the relationship he was often like that. And this just made me even more jealous, like thinking he must be so much nicer to others, to that girl friend of his...

When we were talking last week he asked me how I was (not by himself of course, I asked him first and then he asked back). I tried to write some things that's happened to me lately, I wrote how my colleagues told me to go see a doctor and have a blood test because I don't look so good. He responded NOTHING. You would think that he cares at least a bit if I am sick, but no. (Nothing's wrong with me by the way, but still.)

Sorry for rambling again. I'm gonna stop with these kinds of posts and focus on going forward but I still feel the need to vent.

I agree it was a jerkish move for him to tell you about this girl. At the same time, he's offering a lesson you should take note of.

 

You are talking about resolving issues. He's talking about having a natural ability to understand each other. A relationship with almost any two people can work if both are willing to compromise enough. But compromise can be exhausting. And a lot of men would prefer women with whom they feel more comfortable with ... then THOSE women are the one.

 

Being the "one" for some guys is special status. Again ... you can work hard and compromise with friends, co-workers, even family. But your life partner should be a safer space.

 

I'm not saying he's right in saying what he said to you. But I think this gives you a better understanding of why he's not with you and not going to marry you.

I can accept that he told me that there's someone in his life - after all, I was forcing myself on him once again. But why he had to add that he's in love and they understand each other so well... that was only to make me feel bad.

I get what you're saying, and as I said, I fully agree with what he said about us, that we were lacking that natural ability. I just never understood why we couldn't understand each other better. On paper we should be perfect. We are both very intelligent, one of the main reasons why I fell so in love with him was that he was so smart (it's not exactly easy for me to find a man who I can look up to in this department - I'm doing my phd in maths, so, you know, not to sound too braggy but I'm not exactly stupid). We are both interested in science, we went to the same university to study the same thing, we have similar hobbies, we are both into rock music, we have a similar sense of humour, I could go on. And, even more importantly, we have similar personalities, too, and we share the same values.

Yet we don't really get each other. I don't know why.

And I fully get it, that he wants to be with someone with who they get each other. I want to be with someone like that too, obviously. But I always thought, that we can make this work. We can get to a point where we really understand each other. And it got better with time, but it never really happened.

I have a best friend, who is a guy, with who we really can understand each other from just a word or a look, and it's been like that since the beginning. That is what I want in a relationship, too, and I tried so hard to achieve this with my ex but I guess it was a mission impossible. I just always thought that the problem was with him. Because the things he did, he said, the way he phrased them, they were not only strange for me but for everyone in my environment, they didn't get it either, how he could think that was okay. I often felt like after something he said, that a normal person would never say something like that to the person they're in love with... it was just so weird and now I believe that he never did that on purpose, that he really thought there was nothing wrong with it. I understand it now, that most of the time, I was misunderstanding him. But I still think that most people would have misunderstood these things too in my place.

I don't know. Somehow we are different in the way we communicate.

But it still hurts and makes me angry when he tells me that he cannot talk to me. I have tried and tried to have deep conversations with him. I expressed all my feelings and thoughts to him on a regular basis, and he always just said a few words. I don't think this is my fault and I don't get it, why couldn't he say something, what he was thinking. I came to the conclusion that he is just not really capable of having these really meaningful conversations. I have no problem having these types of conversations with my friends. Whatever. Maybe he really just can't talk to me for some reason and he can to other people. This again makes me wonder what is wrong with me... but looking at the facts, probably there is so much more wrong with him, so I should stop thinking about it.

You need a wake up call. Stop behaving like a doormat and be the woman you are. You don't love him. This is all seems like an obsession or an addiction to that person.

I have decided that from now on, I'll try not to think too much about the past, about the reasons, the what-ifs... Instead, I will try to post a positive thing at least once every couple of days. Positive thing such as something that I have learned from this relationship, something why I am better off without him, something that I am doing right now for myself, something that I am happy about,... things like that.

To start it, I have to say that I really learned a lot about myself and my behaviour. The guy I was with before my ex, tolerated way too much from me, I could basically do or say anything, he still stayed with me and loved me. That was not good. He treated me so much better than my ex, but still, it somehow made me think that I should be able to get away with these things in a relationship. Well, no. My ex, he didn't treat me right, but he sure taught me that I should change in a couple of things. It is not okay to criticize every little thing all the time. It is not okay to be jealous without any reason, and to say all those disgusting things I said to him when he was talking to a girl. So yeah, things like that. I have changed a lot in these things and hopefully I won't make the same mistakes again in my next relationship. Also, I am behaving better to friends, too, I am more careful with how I talk to them.

I learned a lot of other things about myself too, about my insecurities, why I am the way I am... so I guess I should be thankful for all this.

Actually I am proud of the way I handled when he told me about this girl he likes now. A year or two ago, I would have been very sarcastic at the least, would've told him my not-so-nice opinion, or even worse, would have said that well then he can go and f--k that b---h. (Sorry.) Now I just told him that I accept that he likes someone, and it's good that they understand each other so well, I hope he will find what he is looking for, and that I don't want to interfere with this thing at all. Not even one sarcastic word. And I wasn't faking it either, I was sad and a bit hurt, but I didn't feel like I want to smash both their heads against a wall and tell them where to go.

You need a wake up call. Stop behaving like a doormat and be the woman you are. You don't love him. This is all seems like an obsession or an addiction to that person.

You're right about that. (Although I really did love him and possibly still do to some degree.)

But it really is like an addiction that I have to quit.

Hopefully this was the last time I behaved like a doormat.

You're right about that. (Although I really did love him and possibly still do to some degree.)

But it really is like an addiction that I have to quit.

Hopefully this was the last time I behaved like a doormat.

Why don't you deal with your insecurities? Do you go to a therapist? What for do you love him for? Love yourself and try to live without all that drama. It seems like you almost enjoy it. Also, there are a lot of smart guys out there and believe me they can attract you without a PhD.

Why don't you deal with your insecurities? Do you go to a therapist? What for do you love him for? Love yourself and try to live without all that drama. It seems like you almost enjoy it. Also, there are a lot of smart guys out there and believe me they can attract you without a PhD.

I try to deal with my insecurites. I'm doing a lot of mental work and slowly but I am improving in things. I don't go to a therapist yet but I'm planning to.

There were a lot of reasons why I loved him, not that love can be or needs to be explained. If you think I didn't love him well fine but that doesn't change the fact that I really did, with all my heart.

He doesn't even have a college degree, let alone a phd... It's not the paper that matters for me but his brain. And I haven't come accross many guys who were that smart AND I was attracted to them.

Yes I have noticed that it's almost like I enjoy the drama, like I enjoy finding things I can be upset/depressed about... when in reality I would really like to be just happy. I'm just someone who overcomplicates things and overthinks everything and I don't know how to stop doing that.

I really encourage you to go into therapy, it helped me immensely. I meant why do you still love him now? You shouldn't love someone who clearly doesn't care about you. Ask yourself why you are addicted to drama, there are some underlying issues that you need to fix and a good therapist will help you with that.

I really encourage you to go into therapy, it helped me immensely. I meant why do you still love him now? You shouldn't love someone who clearly doesn't care about you. Ask yourself why you are addicted to drama, there are some underlying issues that you need to fix and a good therapist will help you with that.

I had a bad experience with therapy before, maybe I just picked a bad therapist, I don't know. And I don't think a therapist could say anything new to me, I am thinking so much about myself and everything all the time. I would just need some really good tools to cope with my insecurities and my anxiety. I have read hundreds of articles online though, and even a book about managing stress. But I will go to therapy again, I have decided this, so we will see.

I'm not sure how I feel about him anymore... I mean, the reasons why I loved him in the first place are still there, he's the same person, if anything he is a better person since, but yeah, he doesn't care about me and treated me poorly. I don't know. I just really miss what we had.

Just a little update.

After my last post I had a pretty good week, I was actually surprised because I was feeling better than before this whole mess happened. It was like I finally got over him, I don't think I have felt like that since the breakup. But of course, these last couple of days it's been worse again.... I don't know why this keeps happening... My mind always goes back to those thoughts about him and us and it's just so frustrating. I know there are ups and downs and healing is not linear, but I'm getting really tired of it. It's like I need to be reminded constantly how much of an idiot he is or I just forget it again, lol.

Well I guess I just have to be happy that overall I am getting better, however slowly. I noticed that some mornings he is not the first thing on my mind anymore, which is great but then of course the moment I realize this, I start thinking about him again.

Anyway. I am trying to keep busy, made a lot of plans for the upcoming months. I'm talking more to friends, I'm going to the gym again, I'm writing my dissertation... I'm going on a vacation soon, and I have plans for another one, I hope I can make that happen.

Sometimes everything seems good but then this empty feeling inside of me comes back and I guess my mind tries to fill it with memories of my ex and it just gets worse. Ugh. I hope I will meet someone someday who will make me question what I ever saw in this guy... although I still don't have much faith that I will ever find love again, but hopefully I'm wrong.

Hey mathgirl and great to hear your update.

You will keep having those crappy little set backs for a while yet. They suck big time, that is for sure, and I know only too well just how annoying and frustrating it is that they have to keep on popping up in our heads. Give it a bit more time and you will start to get angry and then be able to laugh at yourself for wasting so much of your time and emotions on something that wasn't all that great in the end.

You are doing all the right things - meeting friends, going to the gym, writing your dissertation, planning holidays - keeping busy.

It is just a natural fear that we all have that we will never find love again but soon you will see what nonsense that is. I know it is hard not to think this way but just how many millions of decent men are walking this earth?

Soon you will realise that there are some very positive advantages to being single. You can do what you want, see who you want to see, please yourself. You will likely find that some of your coupled up friends are jealous of you.

Try to remember that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you whatsoever - we all go through these crappy stages. But hey - you are starting to see the positives - good for you - you ARE getting there.

Keep walking forward - eh?

Thanks for your reply, Clabs.

Well I've been single for a while now and there are a few advantages but overall it's not so great, I miss someone to love, to share my life with, and I'm pretty sure my coupled up friends aren't jealous of me - if anything, I'm jealous of them. Sometimes I can't help but wonder why I don't deserve what they have... even though I know it doesn't work like that... but they are so lucky that they found that special someone.

Yesterday and today was quite bad too... I was at the gym today but even there I couldn't stop thinking about him. I had the urge to contact him but I didn't, instead, I looked up old emails... not to him (I deleted those a long time ago), but to my best friend. I was pretty sure that I just had to click randomly and I would find emails where I was complaining about my ex, writing about how horrible he was to me... and I was right. Now I'm copying the worst ones out and I'm going to read these over and over again... it helps...

I just really don't know how I can forget about these things all the time... Why I only seem to remember the good stuff... My mind makes him out to be this amazing great guy that I drove away because I was awful... When the reality was that we both made mistakes but ultimately it was him who couldn't handle a serious relationship, and who didn't treat me right.

I am shocked once again to realize what I tolerated from him, how often he spoke to me like I was worthless... I don't even know anymore if he ever really loved me... probably not.

And to see how miserable I was... Incredible, how I can act like he was the best thing that ever happened to me and I was so happy, when in reality, I was very low very often... For months I couldn't sleep, I was very anxious, I was depressed... And of course I am not the happiest person on earth now, but it's still much better than that, I really have to remember all those bad times, instead of just focusing on how happy I was when every once in a while he behaved like a decent person...

It was a toxic mess that I don't need and I deserve so much better.

I just always have these thoughts that what if he will be a much better boyfriend to the next girl... and it sucks... and I do think he learned a lot from our relationship, but I also think that once he will have a serious girlfriend again and problems will start to appear, he won't be able to handle those either. Whatever, I know I shouldn't care at all and I try not to. I just can't seem to stop blaming myself for my share, and wonder, that maybe if I was different, he would have been better to me, he would have loved me more...

And I know it's a stupid thing but I really hope that one day he will realize how awful he was to me and regret it and maybe even apologize...

Oh well. He is not the man I need and I couldn't imagine spending my whole life with someone like him anyway, I mean the real him, not the one I often imagine in my head... this is what I need to remember...

I wasted 4 years on someone who wasn't worth it and I feel so stupid

I wasted 4 years on someone who wasn't worth it and I feel so stupid

 

 

You didn't waste anything, you gained lots of experience from this. You're now more mature than you were before you started that relationship.

You didn't waste anything, you gained lots of experience from this. You're now more mature than you were before you started that relationship.

 

That's true - thanks. Still, I wish I had given up earlier.

Hi mathgirl

While you are still in this somewhat fragile state, those crappy emotions that you are going through will race through your brain. But the fact that you are going through these waves of emotions will hopefully help to show you that you are a caring and loving individual and not some cold fish

You currently have a distorted view of things - that his life is all roses whilst yours is rubbish, how sickeningly happy all your coupled up friends are, that perhaps you do not deserve to be happy, that you are not good enough, that you will never find love again - meh! It is like looking at your life through a dirty cracked mirror.

The main thing is that you recognise that this relationship was not good for you. Relationships like that suck away your self esteem and leave you feeling pretty worthless and not good enough for anyone else. Keep on reminding yourself of the bad parts of the relationship. And remind yourself that YOU enabled this bad behaviour by putting up with it, which does neither of you and good.

Just keep trying to walk forward darling because you ARE doing the right thing. It will seem like you have wasted time and I guess you have in the sense that you did not wake up and smell the coffee sooner rather than letting a poor relationship drag along. 3Tears is right though because you HAVE learnt something here.

Hopefully, your next step will be anger. Anger at him for treating you so badly, and then hopefully even more anger at yourself for putting up with it. And the stage after that will be when you laugh at yourself for allowing yourself to waste so much time and energy on someone that really was not worthy of you.

Chin up eh?

keep the no contact! im going through the same thing, had to change my phone number. sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do for YOURSELF and nobody else. you got this!!! and you are NOT alone at all!!!!